Nov
28
Welcome to another edition of Puntabulous Guest Debates! Bossy of I AM BOSSY fame has stepped up and offered her debating services to my humble little Puntabulous. Holler! Bossy is awesome. Her suggestion for a debate topic? So simple yet so genius…
Chocolate vs. Vanilla. Let the battle begin!
Bossy: Clearly chocolate is the best flavor because chocolate is associated with romance. For instance, what do you give your loved one for Valentine’s Day? A box of chocolates. A box of vanillas? Not so much.
Craig: A wise man once said: “Love stinks! Yeah! Yeah! Love stinks! Yeah! Yeah!” As does romance and anything to do with romantic gestures. That’s why vanilla is is the far superior flavor! Besides, if someone really loved you they’d give you nice healthy vanilla yogurt, not fatty bad-for-you chocolate! And yogurt is just the beginning! Vanilla is the most versatile (hee hee) of all flavors!
Bossy: The most versatile of flavors? Right because there’s vanilla and…vanilla. You want to talk versatile than you have to talk chocolate. You got your milk chocolate and your dark chocolate. You got your semi-sweet chocolate, your unsweetened chocolate and your bittersweet chocolate. You’ve got your 25% cacao, your 35% cacao, and your 70% cacao. And, hello Mr. White Bread? A little thing Bossy likes to call White Chocolate.
Craig: Puh-lease! White chocolate is just chocolate’s ghetto way of trying to be vanilla. And all those different kinds of chocolate, all sound like uh…chocolate. Vanilla is totally the slutty prom queen of flavors while chocolate is the chubby tuba player. Vanilla extract has an alcohol content! You can get drunk off of vanilla! What’s cooler than that? Do I have to remind you of those dorky Ovaltine commercials? “More Ovaltine please!” Ugh, those commercials make me want to punch a baby penguin.
Bossy: You get drunk from vanilla? Wow you must be really churchy. In which case Bossy would like to introduce you to a little thing she calls Dopamine. When you eat chocolate, the bioactive agents contained within increase the brain’s level of serotonin, producing mild stimulation and the release of the calming, mood enhancing dopamine. That would be chocolate. Vanilla just makes your farts smell like sugar cookies.
Craig: Um, you say that as if farts smelling like sugar cookies are a bad thing? And what’s so bad about being churchy? I believe it was baby Jesus who once said: “You who favor vanilla over chocolate shall be welcome into the kingdom of heaven when my dad thrusts the Earth into a realm of terror for America’s acceptance of gays.” Or something like that. So when we get up to heaven there’s gonna be two lines, one for vanilla lovers and one for chocolate lovers. Or as St. Peter will refer to them as: “White Line” and “Colored Line”. Yay segregation! Vanilla power!
Bossy: But those who prefer chocolate don’t have to wait their whole whitey lives for St. Peter and that gate thingy, because eating chocolate is like heaven on earth. And lucky thing, because those who eat chocolate will live longer. There’s only one flavor that has the potential to lower blood pressure and cholesterol and reduce the risk of blood clots. And that flavor? Ding ding ding! Chocolate! Meanwhile Vanilla is good for… um… looking it up and… oh, here it is: Nothing.
Craig: I love vanilla. It makes me happy. You say vanilla is good for nothing. Following this logic, my happiness means nothing to you. I therefore declare this debate a personal attack on myself and upon my character. I can believe nothing you say. Perhaps you really love vanilla and are just saying you don’t to make me feel bad. Why would you do that? Why Bossy? Why? Now I’m sad. Quick! I need comforting. Someone get me some vanilla ice cream damn it! Better yet! How about a swig of ye olde vanilla extract! Ahhhh, sweet, sweet comfort.
Bossy: Oh, sorry, you were saying what? Bossy couldn’t hear you above the sound of the weepy violin. Bossy is pained that the truth of vanilla is making you so sad. Do you know what always works for Bossy when she’s in need of comfort? First she takes a nice ceramic mug and puts it on the counter. And then she takes some milk and mixes it with her favorite chocolate syrup in a pan over a medium flame and voilà : Hot chocolate. You could always, um, take your, eh, and mix it with, uh, right, well—you could always eat your mug.
Craig: Oh, and what will you be putting in your hot chocolate? Is it…(dramatic pause)… marshmallows?! And do you know what a key ingredient in marshmallows is? Do I even need to tell you? Fine, I guess I do. (After all, people who prefer chocolate aren’t all that smart.) It’s vanilla! And as everyone knows, drinking hot chocolate is just an excuse to eat marshmallows and enjoy their vanilla goodness. Aw, I’m sorry my arguments are so awesome. Feel free to borrow my violin. You need it more than I do.
Bossy: You’ve heard it here first: on the planet Craig, marshmallows contain vanilla. Meanwhile for the rest of us, marshmallows are produced from a combination of sugar, egg whites, gelatin, corn syrup, dextrose, corn starch, tetrasodium pyrophosphate, and gum arabic. Which, yum, kind of reminds Bossy of vanilla. Also? Do you know how vanilla is harvested? The vanilla pods are plucked from their happy vine while they are all green and odorless and then they are sent off to slaughterhouses where their vegetative tissue is killed—this can be death by sun, by oven, by hot water, or by deep freezing. Bossy never knew Craig was so violent, but she thinks maybe there’s a mood enhancer that would help this predicament and—oh, it’s chocolate.
Craig: First off, the planet Craig is awesome. It is filled with hard bodies in loin cloths cooling me off with giant leaves and hand-feeding me grapes. Secondly, check out THIS recipe for marshmallows created by non other than Martha Fucking Stewart and shown on Oprah. Just try and defy Martha and Oprah! They will cut you! But wait, you must be right because you have a magazine and have built empires based upon just your name alone. Riiiiiiight. That’s what I thought. Vanilla rules, chocolate drools.
So who do you guys think won? Even if I lose, I think I deserve a consolation prize for freakiest picture for my vanilla ice cream picture. I look like Bilbo attacking Frodo in Rivendell for the One Ring. Okay, that was a dorky reference, but come on! It’s totally fitting!
Think you could do better? Send me an e-mail with a topic you’d like to debate with me! For more Puntabulous Debates CLICK HERE!
November 28th, 2007 at 8:47 am
BOSSY wins by a knockout! Sorry Craig…but she also IS one. A knockout that is…
November 28th, 2007 at 8:58 am
I will call it a draw… you both make very valid points, though I cannot believe Bossy did not point out that chocolate mixes sooo much better with peanut butter… but again, it is a draw… can yall debate again… i enjoyed this soooo much… started my day off with a smile (and the need for some kind of sweet treat or buzz or something)…
November 28th, 2007 at 9:14 am
Sorry Craig, you lose this one. I mean, how popular was the ‘Vanilla Rain’ internet video? I rest my case.
November 28th, 2007 at 9:27 am
I took notes during the debate!
I myself prefer vanilla – 1 point Craiggers
Photo of cute doggy – 1 point Bossy
Craiggers Jesus quote – 1 point Craiggers
Bossy lookin all virginal – 1 point Bossy
Craiggers turning the debate into a personal attack (a very Faux News, Republican thing to do) – 1 point Bossy
A REAL violin – 1 point Bossy
Craiggers 5th photo is just so flaming gay I laughed out loud – 1 point Craiggers
“Planet Craig” hat (where can I get me one of those????) – 1 point Bossy
Craiggers playing the Oprah/Martha card – 1 point Craiggers
Final total: Bossy 5, Craiggers 4. Bossy wins…which is really sad, considering I like vanilla a LOT more than chocolate….
HUGS..
November 28th, 2007 at 9:31 am
This is the most amazing entry I have ever read in my entire list. No Joke.
I actually say that you won, because I’m biased and like Vanilla a lot more than chocolate. But then I do love my hot chocolate in the winter, so maybe Bossy won. And both your pictures were amazing. Especially the one with the violin. That was Bossy’s picture? Hm, I just don’t know who won. But great entry!
November 28th, 2007 at 9:32 am
Fucking hilarious.
By the way … chocolate.
November 28th, 2007 at 9:38 am
Hilarious!!! I give the edge to Bossy on this one, but the ice cream pic really was the highlight for me. lolol.
November 28th, 2007 at 10:08 am
‘Fraid I have to go with Bossy for overall tone and content, but that Jesus quote rocked.
November 28th, 2007 at 10:08 am
Oh, thank you. Thank you thank you thank you for assembling this debate.
I don’t think I could chose between chocolate and vanilla. I would be bereft, though, if there was no such thing as a vanilla candle.
November 28th, 2007 at 10:11 am
Vanilla makes farts smell like sugar cookies?
That is enough for me.
GO VANILLA!!
November 28th, 2007 at 10:14 am
All this virtual flirting is making me sick. Bossy, don’t you have a husband?!?
Personally, I’m all for the chocolate vanilla swirl.
November 28th, 2007 at 10:14 am
Chocolate rules vanilla drools.
November 28th, 2007 at 10:23 am
Bossy wins by a clothespin and a KitKat.
It’s a shame you have a two party system, though–what about the strawberry fringe vote? It’s a Neopolitan world, baby, and don’t you forget it.
November 28th, 2007 at 10:25 am
ebony & ivory should live together in perfect harmony.
can’t we all just get along?
team= black and white ice cream soda.
November 28th, 2007 at 10:37 am
Pretty evenly matched on “text wittiness”, but I have to give it to Bossy hands-down on “photo creativity”. Actually, on the re-read, Bossy has the edge there too. Too bad, because I prefer vanilla over chocolate 98% of the time.
November 28th, 2007 at 10:39 am
This made me laugh, Craig. Although sorry to say I think chocolate and Bossy win, if only for the violin photo.
November 28th, 2007 at 10:41 am
Oh, my. That was a good one… again. You were both hilarious and Bossy has upped the ante on pictures. The violin cracked me up.
November 28th, 2007 at 10:43 am
What an AWESOME debate..it was JUST like a tennis match.
I’m thinking that vanilla SHOULD have a edge..it’s used in MANY recipes and then there is French Vanilla Ice Cream.. BUT Bossy clearly won the debate. Dark Chocolate, Hot Chocolate and Bossy’s pictures made her the clearn winner.
It’s not so much that chocolate won..Bossy won.
(ps…I just REALLY want a Special Dark right now..dipped in peanut butter)
November 28th, 2007 at 10:55 am
I’m gonna have to go with Bossy FTW. When it comes to ice cream or yogurt I like vanilla best, but Bossy’s arguments were very convincing. She got you with the marshmallow thing.
November 28th, 2007 at 11:07 am
Uh, Bossy. Chocolate. Period (hell-OOOO! Women prefer chocolate!).
That was hilarious, btw.
November 28th, 2007 at 11:13 am
I bow to Bossy and her valiant defense of chocoloate. . .chocolate is for lovers. . .and those without lovers. . .vanilla is a blank slate to put chocolate on. . .huzzah for chocolate!
November 28th, 2007 at 11:15 am
Okay, well I, too, think that chocolate is heaven on earth. Did you know that chocolate effects the brain in the same way as pot AND kissing? You can’t beat that with a little limp vanilla bean! So Bossy totally wins.
But I am giving you extra points for THIS comment: “Secondly, check out THIS recipe for marshmallows created by non other than Martha Fucking Stewart and shown on Oprah. Just try and defy Martha and Oprah! They will cut you!”
Because I fell out of my chair laughing when I read it. THERE’S two people I’d like to see debate.
November 28th, 2007 at 11:20 am
Dude, I never know you’re a Pez dispenser!
Just flip your head backwards and a candy pops out.
November 28th, 2007 at 11:25 am
I am totally printing that photo of you drinking vanilla from the bottle and framing it and hanging it in my kitchen.
Totally.
Because I thought I was the only one.
November 28th, 2007 at 11:31 am
Ummmmm…Chocolate. But you both win in the most “hilarious debate ever!” category.
November 28th, 2007 at 11:37 am
Bossy wins this debate in theory thanks to creative picture taking and prop usage (I did take a shine Craig getting drunk on vanilla,) but I’d sooner vote Republican than vote for chocolate over vanilla. The marshmallow point was a good one, but not applicable to the vegetarians. Vanilla is the deliciousist, hands down.
November 28th, 2007 at 11:41 am
Wonderful debate! both sides were so cool, so calm, so collected, so…outta their minds!!! Fun to read, though I am still bossy’s girl and am on the side of Chocolate (though I do love a nice Bourbon vanilla – it turns my husband on when I bake with it). But then Chocolate IS a Girl’s Best Friend, not those stupid, over-priced white thingys.
November 28th, 2007 at 11:54 am
Hands down, Bossy wins.
November 28th, 2007 at 11:54 am
Followed Bossy here, BECAUSE SHE TOLD ME TO! and was amply rewarded at 5:30 AM HST. Holy shit, THIS WOMAN WRITES FUNNY. Where’s the book? WHERE’S THE BOOK!?!?!?! Do you know what is on my bedside table??? Well, it is NOT a BOOK BY BOSSY! and that is just WRONG.
THE BIG BOOK OF BOSSY. Coming soon to a bedside table near ME! I HOPE!
November 28th, 2007 at 11:59 am
Sorry C man, Bossy wins. That shot of her as a nun vs you and ice cream, sorry dude. Choc rules.
November 28th, 2007 at 12:06 pm
Totally hilarious.. both of you. Beautifully done.
But chocolate always wins.
November 28th, 2007 at 12:28 pm
I startled my roommates when I busted out laughing. I think the white and colored line part was my favorite.
Well done!
November 28th, 2007 at 12:37 pm
As with all things, PunditMom must agree with Bossy! But excellent debate!
November 28th, 2007 at 12:45 pm
Holy Crap! Between the alcoholic vanilla,and the mood enhancing chocolate I feel so damn good I’m calling it a draw!!
November 28th, 2007 at 12:55 pm
If the Presidential Debates were this well thought out and presented, I might watch them! I vote both of you for President, but I want chocolate as the first lady!
November 28th, 2007 at 12:56 pm
Well, if God’s on vanilla’s side, then so am I. But it was a close one Craig, because I am so devastated that you would shun me like you have. Aw screw it, I’m a heathen and I’m for chocolate.
November 28th, 2007 at 12:58 pm
I usually put a teaspoon of vanilla extract in my hot cocoa. Does this make me one of the goddam independents that are throwing their votes away?
November 28th, 2007 at 1:07 pm
Dude. You’ve got nothing. Because Bossy is, well, the Boss. It was all over with the violin shot.
November 28th, 2007 at 1:22 pm
There are 4 food groups: Dark Chocolate, Milk Chocolate, White Chocolate and More Chocolate. The End.
November 28th, 2007 at 1:25 pm
Bossy is right… its chocolate all the way!!
Although you had a great argument for vanilla
November 28th, 2007 at 1:27 pm
P.S. Craig, you’re busted! I read your other debates and there is an incriminating picture of you eating CHOCOLATE ice cream in your Nicole Richie/Kate Bosworth debate. This is scandalous!
November 28th, 2007 at 1:33 pm
Lyssa- Oh crap! Let’s just keep that between ourselves, oh wait… are these comments public? Damn it all!
November 28th, 2007 at 1:34 pm
I always favor and choose vanilla but….
after Bossy’s argument ….
I may have to go to the dark side!
November 28th, 2007 at 1:54 pm
I’m not sure if I have ever laughed so hard.
Vanilla totally wins. Sorry Bossy!
November 28th, 2007 at 1:54 pm
Genius.
But white chocolate is an abomination.
Bilbo was the first thing I thought of when I saw that picture. Seriously.
I am part of Team Bossy on this one, though. Go Chocolate!
November 28th, 2007 at 1:59 pm
Who knew the chocolate vs. vanilla debate could make one laugh this hard??
I am all about the chocolate, and Bossy. Sorry.
November 28th, 2007 at 1:59 pm
Chocolate is the other food group.
Bossy wins!
November 28th, 2007 at 1:59 pm
Well. I have to confess my mind was made up before I started reading the debate because chocolate vs. vanilla? NO CONTEST. Of course, the winner is chocolate. But I was almost swayed by your photos and persuasive arguments. Almost. But then I remembered York Peppermint Patties. And. I’m back.
November 28th, 2007 at 2:11 pm
Clearly, you fell on your sword by taking the vanilla argument, which was a losing argument. And Bossy had a hot nun’s outfit which made me feel funny in my pants.
November 28th, 2007 at 2:11 pm
Sorry, Bossy wins, chocolate rules, vanilla trails behind!
November 28th, 2007 at 2:19 pm
How can we split the banana on this one?
November 28th, 2007 at 2:48 pm
Okay, I do think Bossy wins. But I must say that you had her on the ropes with your Jesus quote.
November 28th, 2007 at 2:52 pm
I love chocolate and vanilla equally, but Bossy got me with the violin. Team Chocolate!
November 28th, 2007 at 3:01 pm
You almost had me with the marshmallow…but bossy wins.
November 28th, 2007 at 3:07 pm
For me, Bossy won with the line “Vanilla just makes your farts smell like sugar cookies.” I mean, what’s there to say after that?
November 28th, 2007 at 3:10 pm
im ready to debate. bring it on.
i like chocolate. dark chocolate. but lately ive been devouring the vanilla. i dont like vanilla candles but bring me the rest!
November 28th, 2007 at 3:20 pm
Sorry, Vanilla Boy. Bossy totally owned you on this one. It may still be the drunk feeling I have from ingesting all of that chocolate, but she wins.
November 28th, 2007 at 3:28 pm
Bossy so wins!!!!
November 28th, 2007 at 3:57 pm
I love vanilla, and I’ve made a habit lately of making vanilla baked goods just to demonstrate the versatility and complexity of vanilla when properly used. That said, Bossy pwned Craigory like a red-headed step-child.
November 28th, 2007 at 4:13 pm
I have to say chocolate and Bossy for these reasons: I love chocolate, I never eat vanilla ice cream without chocolate on top of it, the aluminum foil Planet Craig hat is priceless, and the fact that I never would have found this site if not directed here by Bossy.
November 28th, 2007 at 4:29 pm
I’m going with Vanilla Craig.
Bossy should remember where the chocolate comes from – Cocoa Beans. She played her violin well for the vanilla beans, but Cocoa Beans are treated even harsher.
Sorry Bossy.
November 28th, 2007 at 6:09 pm
Even if chocolate weren’t the superior flavor (and it SO is), gotta go with Bossy as she has the most impressive headgear and props. But a worthy effort by both contestants!
November 28th, 2007 at 6:32 pm
Bossy is right. And hilarious. And prettier. Everyone knows prettier = winner.
November 28th, 2007 at 6:39 pm
Chocolate wins it all… Lovely debate though !
November 28th, 2007 at 6:47 pm
Well-reasoned debating there. Strong arguments on both sides. Hungry now. Must.Eat.Chocolate.
btw BOSSY rawks!
November 28th, 2007 at 6:50 pm
Chocolate all the way.
November 28th, 2007 at 7:08 pm
Next time I’ll send the chocolate pastilles to Bossy instead of you…
November 28th, 2007 at 7:34 pm
Sorry, Craig, but BOSSY proves once again why she is THE QUEEN OF THE BLOG!
The pictures were great. Bravo!
November 28th, 2007 at 8:43 pm
Listen, I just came to your blog for the first time, and I want to say that you are very funny and I will be back. That first. And also? Vanilla is totally my favorite. But Bossy kicked your ass. Sorry.
November 28th, 2007 at 9:38 pm
Bossy wins! This was awesome – will have to check out more of your debates!
November 28th, 2007 at 11:02 pm
Bossy wins – after all it’s pretty hard to beat chocolate – but what a great debate.
November 29th, 2007 at 11:57 am
Since I am relatively new to both blogs I don’t have the pre-bias for one blogger over the other. So I’m coming in here neutrally…although I do slightly favor chocolate.
Both made valid points. Bossy was totally winning with the rosary, violin pics and the lesson in how vanilla is harvested. HOWEVER, that having been said, Craig pulled out both the Martha and Oprah cards. Which kinda evens things out…omg, this is too hard.
I’m going to have to go with Craig simply on the fact that the ice cream carton he is trying to devour in one bite is Turkey Hill ice cream…and I would feel a little bad if my first comment on his blog was against him…
November 29th, 2007 at 1:12 pm
Craig wins! Vanilla rules – chocolate drools!
November 29th, 2007 at 1:58 pm
Bossy was (is) awesome, but perhaps she was TOO awesome? I sense that perhaps Bossy is being PAID OFF by the chocolate industry and is being fed arguments by their well-funded PR department.
Vanilla is CLEARLY above that because it is so good and pure and delicious.
So there.
November 29th, 2007 at 4:48 pm
Landed here from Bossy’s blog and I must say that I’m glad I did! I cannot resist a man in an argyle sweater!
Vanilla!
Love your blog!!!!!!!!
November 29th, 2007 at 6:58 pm
i’m pretty sure i’m peeing my pants from laughing so hard…
but seeing as how i’m chocolate and vanilla, I cannot choose
though, i have to totally side with Bossy because well, I’m a bossy stalker
November 29th, 2007 at 7:48 pm
Craig, you know I heart you, but Bossy wins. Hands down. Chocolate beats up vanilla any day.
November 29th, 2007 at 9:31 pm
I’m afraid it was a losing battle from the start, Craig. Chocolate is one of the most perfect substances on earth…vanilla is something you add to a cake mix…preferably a CHOCOLATE cake!
November 30th, 2007 at 12:48 am
ROTFLMAO!!!
OK, you two. . .don’t make me drag out Paul McCartney & Stevie Wonder’s duet “Ebony & Ivory”!
LOL!
November 30th, 2007 at 12:44 pm
I think that the two of you ought to be exposed for what you really are: FLAVORIST! Willie Wonka had a dream, where chocolate and vanilla could live, side by side in harmony. Where little chocolate children could go to school with little vanilla children… where all flavors were created equal in God’s eyes. The truth of the matter is, there is no WWJE (What would Jesus eat?) because none of it is Kosher. Can’t we all just get along?
November 30th, 2007 at 11:48 pm
Still.. trying to… catch.. my breath. Laughed so hard! I don’t even care what side the debate fell to. It is all so funny. Husband and I laughing so loud the boy came to see if we were alright. We just looked at him and … laughed! My cheek muscles are sore.
Vuboq sent me here. All hail the fabulous vuboq. Craig, darling, I’ll be back.
December 1st, 2007 at 1:21 pm
As much as I love yer blog (now)- insert: genuflect, curtsy, bow bow) – I have to agree that you chose the losing argument from git go. Although, the pic of you chugging vanilla is almost as good as bossy in her nun hat.
You two should start a vblog; you know, for the kids!
XXKHT
December 1st, 2007 at 4:11 pm
Sorry buddy but chocolate wins so it is a default to Bossy on her getting the better debate subject.
BUT in the meantime here is another loyal Bossy fan that reads your blog! So you win too!!!
December 2nd, 2007 at 2:46 am
[...] to be “I am Bossy” because I know that I’m going to love the pictures and have a “giggle,” hopefully at her [...]
December 2nd, 2007 at 10:26 am
Not only do I prefer vanilla, you have gained a new reader. Gosh damn why do the best men on the planet always have to be gay? You totally had me at the Mickey ears picture.
December 3rd, 2007 at 8:35 am
this is absolutely funny. i love chocolate still.
December 3rd, 2007 at 10:58 am
Strawberry RAWKS. Y’all are crazy.
December 3rd, 2007 at 12:03 pm
Vanilla in it’s true form is the second most expensive spice ON THE PLANET. Behind Saffron.
And chocolate is massacred too, roasted and smashed.
Vanilla wins. Chocolate would be lost without Vanilla.
December 3rd, 2007 at 9:23 pm
Craiggers automatically disqualified himself with the phrase “fatty bad-for-you chocolate”. PUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHLEASE!!!! EVERY study says chocolate is good for your endorphins, your heart, your penis and your vagina (as appropriate) … Bossy wins!!!
That said, I like vanilla too. It makes de-libich ice cream.
December 4th, 2007 at 2:12 am
i heart bossy–chocolate wins!!
December 5th, 2007 at 4:20 pm
Oh Craig,
This is a very difficult thing for me to accept.
How could Bossy be so very, very wrong?
December 21st, 2007 at 4:36 pm
I no longer like chocolate, prefer vanilla, but never tell anyone that because they will think I am boring, and those are usually the stereotypes. I like vanilla is because it provides that wild floral scent, while chocolate is too fermented for me. Vanilla will always be the unbeatable original.
June 8th, 2008 at 4:02 pm
hi all.