Welcome to another edition of Puntabulous Guest Debates! Bossy of I AM BOSSY fame has stepped up and offered her debating services to my humble little Puntabulous. Holler! Bossy is awesome. Her suggestion for a debate topic? So simple yet so genius…
Chocolate vs. Vanilla. Let the battle begin!
Bossy: Clearly chocolate is the best flavor because chocolate is associated with romance. For instance, what do you give your loved one for Valentine’s Day? A box of chocolates. A box of vanillas? Not so much.
Craig: A wise man once said: “Love stinks! Yeah! Yeah! Love stinks! Yeah! Yeah!” As does romance and anything to do with romantic gestures. That’s why vanilla is is the far superior flavor! Besides, if someone really loved you they’d give you nice healthy vanilla yogurt, not fatty bad-for-you chocolate! And yogurt is just the beginning! Vanilla is the most versatile (hee hee) of all flavors!
Bossy: The most versatile of flavors? Right because there’s vanilla and…vanilla. You want to talk versatile than you have to talk chocolate. You got your milk chocolate and your dark chocolate. You got your semi-sweet chocolate, your unsweetened chocolate and your bittersweet chocolate. You’ve got your 25% cacao, your 35% cacao, and your 70% cacao. And, hello Mr. White Bread? A little thing Bossy likes to call White Chocolate.
Craig: Puh-lease! White chocolate is just chocolate’s ghetto way of trying to be vanilla. And all those different kinds of chocolate, all sound like uh…chocolate. Vanilla is totally the slutty prom queen of flavors while chocolate is the chubby tuba player. Vanilla extract has an alcohol content! You can get drunk off of vanilla! What’s cooler than that? Do I have to remind you of those dorky Ovaltine commercials? “More Ovaltine please!” Ugh, those commercials make me want to punch a baby penguin.
Bossy: You get drunk from vanilla? Wow you must be really churchy. In which case Bossy would like to introduce you to a little thing she calls Dopamine. When you eat chocolate, the bioactive agents contained within increase the brain’s level of serotonin, producing mild stimulation and the release of the calming, mood enhancing dopamine. That would be chocolate. Vanilla just makes your farts smell like sugar cookies.
Craig: Um, you say that as if farts smelling like sugar cookies are a bad thing? And what’s so bad about being churchy? I believe it was baby Jesus who once said: “You who favor vanilla over chocolate shall be welcome into the kingdom of heaven when my dad thrusts the Earth into a realm of terror for America’s acceptance of gays.” Or something like that. So when we get up to heaven there’s gonna be two lines, one for vanilla lovers and one for chocolate lovers. Or as St. Peter will refer to them as: “White Line” and “Colored Line”. Yay segregation! Vanilla power!
Bossy: But those who prefer chocolate don’t have to wait their whole whitey lives for St. Peter and that gate thingy, because eating chocolate is like heaven on earth. And lucky thing, because those who eat chocolate will live longer. There’s only one flavor that has the potential to lower blood pressure and cholesterol and reduce the risk of blood clots. And that flavor? Ding ding ding! Chocolate! Meanwhile Vanilla is good for… um… looking it up and… oh, here it is: Nothing.
Craig: I love vanilla. It makes me happy. You say vanilla is good for nothing. Following this logic, my happiness means nothing to you. I therefore declare this debate a personal attack on myself and upon my character. I can believe nothing you say. Perhaps you really love vanilla and are just saying you don’t to make me feel bad. Why would you do that? Why Bossy? Why? Now I’m sad. Quick! I need comforting. Someone get me some vanilla ice cream damn it! Better yet! How about a swig of ye olde vanilla extract! Ahhhh, sweet, sweet comfort.
Bossy: Oh, sorry, you were saying what? Bossy couldn’t hear you above the sound of the weepy violin. Bossy is pained that the truth of vanilla is making you so sad. Do you know what always works for Bossy when she’s in need of comfort? First she takes a nice ceramic mug and puts it on the counter. And then she takes some milk and mixes it with her favorite chocolate syrup in a pan over a medium flame and voilà : Hot chocolate. You could always, um, take your, eh, and mix it with, uh, right, well—you could always eat your mug.
Craig: Oh, and what will you be putting in your hot chocolate? Is it…(dramatic pause)… marshmallows?! And do you know what a key ingredient in marshmallows is? Do I even need to tell you? Fine, I guess I do. (After all, people who prefer chocolate aren’t all that smart.) It’s vanilla! And as everyone knows, drinking hot chocolate is just an excuse to eat marshmallows and enjoy their vanilla goodness. Aw, I’m sorry my arguments are so awesome. Feel free to borrow my violin. You need it more than I do.
Bossy: You’ve heard it here first: on the planet Craig, marshmallows contain vanilla. Meanwhile for the rest of us, marshmallows are produced from a combination of sugar, egg whites, gelatin, corn syrup, dextrose, corn starch, tetrasodium pyrophosphate, and gum arabic. Which, yum, kind of reminds Bossy of vanilla. Also? Do you know how vanilla is harvested? The vanilla pods are plucked from their happy vine while they are all green and odorless and then they are sent off to slaughterhouses where their vegetative tissue is killed—this can be death by sun, by oven, by hot water, or by deep freezing. Bossy never knew Craig was so violent, but she thinks maybe there’s a mood enhancer that would help this predicament and—oh, it’s chocolate.
Craig: First off, the planet Craig is awesome. It is filled with hard bodies in loin cloths cooling me off with giant leaves and hand-feeding me grapes. Secondly, check out THIS recipe for marshmallows created by non other than Martha Fucking Stewart and shown on Oprah. Just try and defy Martha and Oprah! They will cut you! But wait, you must be right because you have a magazine and have built empires based upon just your name alone. Riiiiiiight. That’s what I thought. Vanilla rules, chocolate drools.
So who do you guys think won? Even if I lose, I think I deserve a consolation prize for freakiest picture for my vanilla ice cream picture. I look like Bilbo attacking Frodo in Rivendell for the One Ring. Okay, that was a dorky reference, but come on! It’s totally fitting!
Think you could do better? Send me an e-mail with a topic you’d like to debate with me! For more Puntabulous Debates CLICK HERE!
How can we split the banana on this one?
Okay, I do think Bossy wins. But I must say that you had her on the ropes with your Jesus quote.
I love chocolate and vanilla equally, but Bossy got me with the violin. Team Chocolate!
You almost had me with the marshmallow…but bossy wins.
For me, Bossy won with the line “Vanilla just makes your farts smell like sugar cookies.” I mean, what’s there to say after that?
you dum bitch
im ready to debate. bring it on.
i like chocolate. dark chocolate. but lately ive been devouring the vanilla. i dont like vanilla candles but bring me the rest!
Sorry, Vanilla Boy. Bossy totally owned you on this one. It may still be the drunk feeling I have from ingesting all of that chocolate, but she wins.
Bossy so wins!!!!
I love vanilla, and I’ve made a habit lately of making vanilla baked goods just to demonstrate the versatility and complexity of vanilla when properly used. That said, Bossy pwned Craigory like a red-headed step-child.
I have to say chocolate and Bossy for these reasons: I love chocolate, I never eat vanilla ice cream without chocolate on top of it, the aluminum foil Planet Craig hat is priceless, and the fact that I never would have found this site if not directed here by Bossy.
I’m going with Vanilla Craig.
Bossy should remember where the chocolate comes from – Cocoa Beans. She played her violin well for the vanilla beans, but Cocoa Beans are treated even harsher.
Sorry Bossy.
Even if chocolate weren’t the superior flavor (and it SO is), gotta go with Bossy as she has the most impressive headgear and props. But a worthy effort by both contestants!
Bossy is right. And hilarious. And prettier. Everyone knows prettier = winner.
Chocolate wins it all… Lovely debate though !
Well-reasoned debating there. Strong arguments on both sides. Hungry now. Must.Eat.Chocolate.
btw BOSSY rawks!
Chocolate all the way.
Next time I’ll send the chocolate pastilles to Bossy instead of you…
Sorry, Craig, but BOSSY proves once again why she is THE QUEEN OF THE BLOG!
The pictures were great. Bravo!
Listen, I just came to your blog for the first time, and I want to say that you are very funny and I will be back. That first. And also? Vanilla is totally my favorite. But Bossy kicked your ass. Sorry.
Bossy wins! This was awesome – will have to check out more of your debates!
Bossy wins – after all it’s pretty hard to beat chocolate – but what a great debate.
Since I am relatively new to both blogs I don’t have the pre-bias for one blogger over the other. So I’m coming in here neutrally…although I do slightly favor chocolate.
Both made valid points. Bossy was totally winning with the rosary, violin pics and the lesson in how vanilla is harvested. HOWEVER, that having been said, Craig pulled out both the Martha and Oprah cards. Which kinda evens things out…omg, this is too hard.
I’m going to have to go with Craig simply on the fact that the ice cream carton he is trying to devour in one bite is Turkey Hill ice cream…and I would feel a little bad if my first comment on his blog was against him…
Craig wins! Vanilla rules – chocolate drools!
Bossy was (is) awesome, but perhaps she was TOO awesome? I sense that perhaps Bossy is being PAID OFF by the chocolate industry and is being fed arguments by their well-funded PR department.
Vanilla is CLEARLY above that because it is so good and pure and delicious.
So there.
Landed here from Bossy’s blog and I must say that I’m glad I did! I cannot resist a man in an argyle sweater!
Vanilla!
Love your blog!!!!!!!!
i’m pretty sure i’m peeing my pants from laughing so hard…
but seeing as how i’m chocolate and vanilla, I cannot choose
though, i have to totally side with Bossy because well, I’m a bossy stalker
Craig, you know I heart you, but Bossy wins. Hands down. Chocolate beats up vanilla any day.
I’m afraid it was a losing battle from the start, Craig. Chocolate is one of the most perfect substances on earth…vanilla is something you add to a cake mix…preferably a CHOCOLATE cake!
ROTFLMAO!!!
OK, you two. . .don’t make me drag out Paul McCartney & Stevie Wonder’s duet “Ebony & Ivory”!
LOL!
I think that the two of you ought to be exposed for what you really are: FLAVORIST! Willie Wonka had a dream, where chocolate and vanilla could live, side by side in harmony. Where little chocolate children could go to school with little vanilla children… where all flavors were created equal in God’s eyes. The truth of the matter is, there is no WWJE (What would Jesus eat?) because none of it is Kosher. Can’t we all just get along?
Still.. trying to… catch.. my breath. Laughed so hard! I don’t even care what side the debate fell to. It is all so funny. Husband and I laughing so loud the boy came to see if we were alright. We just looked at him and … laughed! My cheek muscles are sore.
Vuboq sent me here. All hail the fabulous vuboq. Craig, darling, I’ll be back.
As much as I love yer blog (now)- insert: genuflect, curtsy, bow bow) – I have to agree that you chose the losing argument from git go. Although, the pic of you chugging vanilla is almost as good as bossy in her nun hat.
You two should start a vblog; you know, for the kids!
XXKHT
Sorry buddy but chocolate wins so it is a default to Bossy on her getting the better debate subject.
BUT in the meantime here is another loyal Bossy fan that reads your blog! So you win too!!!
Pingback: Whitterer on Autism » Blog Archive » The Seven Deadly sins
Not only do I prefer vanilla, you have gained a new reader. Gosh damn why do the best men on the planet always have to be gay? You totally had me at the Mickey ears picture.
this is absolutely funny. i love chocolate still.
Strawberry RAWKS. Y’all are crazy.
Vanilla in it’s true form is the second most expensive spice ON THE PLANET. Behind Saffron.
And chocolate is massacred too, roasted and smashed.
Vanilla wins. Chocolate would be lost without Vanilla.
Craiggers automatically disqualified himself with the phrase “fatty bad-for-you chocolate”. PUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHLEASE!!!! EVERY study says chocolate is good for your endorphins, your heart, your penis and your vagina (as appropriate) … Bossy wins!!!
That said, I like vanilla too. It makes de-libich ice cream.
i heart bossy–chocolate wins!!
yep dats true
Oh Craig,
This is a very difficult thing for me to accept.
How could Bossy be so very, very wrong?
I no longer like chocolate, prefer vanilla, but never tell anyone that because they will think I am boring, and those are usually the stereotypes. I like vanilla is because it provides that wild floral scent, while chocolate is too fermented for me. Vanilla will always be the unbeatable original.
hi all.
I LOVE VANILLA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Great job, both of you. However, Vanilla will always win. It is the ORIGINAL flavor, and not only does it completley demolish chocolate alone, it can even play nice! Besides, While vanilla beans are murdered, choco beans are outright massacered. And, lastley, Vanilla used to be used in chocolate, to help mellow out the bitterness. Chocolate even tries to imatate vanilla-white chocolate
(JK)