Welcome to another edition of Puntabulous Guest Debates! Bossy of I AM BOSSY fame has stepped up and offered her debating services to my humble little Puntabulous. Holler! Bossy is awesome. Her suggestion for a debate topic? So simple yet so genius…
Chocolate vs. Vanilla. Let the battle begin!
Bossy: Clearly chocolate is the best flavor because chocolate is associated with romance. For instance, what do you give your loved one for Valentine’s Day? A box of chocolates. A box of vanillas? Not so much.
Craig: A wise man once said: “Love stinks! Yeah! Yeah! Love stinks! Yeah! Yeah!” As does romance and anything to do with romantic gestures. That’s why vanilla is is the far superior flavor! Besides, if someone really loved you they’d give you nice healthy vanilla yogurt, not fatty bad-for-you chocolate! And yogurt is just the beginning! Vanilla is the most versatile (hee hee) of all flavors!
Bossy: The most versatile of flavors? Right because there’s vanilla and…vanilla. You want to talk versatile than you have to talk chocolate. You got your milk chocolate and your dark chocolate. You got your semi-sweet chocolate, your unsweetened chocolate and your bittersweet chocolate. You’ve got your 25% cacao, your 35% cacao, and your 70% cacao. And, hello Mr. White Bread? A little thing Bossy likes to call White Chocolate.
Craig: Puh-lease! White chocolate is just chocolate’s ghetto way of trying to be vanilla. And all those different kinds of chocolate, all sound like uh…chocolate. Vanilla is totally the slutty prom queen of flavors while chocolate is the chubby tuba player. Vanilla extract has an alcohol content! You can get drunk off of vanilla! What’s cooler than that? Do I have to remind you of those dorky Ovaltine commercials? “More Ovaltine please!” Ugh, those commercials make me want to punch a baby penguin.
Bossy: You get drunk from vanilla? Wow you must be really churchy. In which case Bossy would like to introduce you to a little thing she calls Dopamine. When you eat chocolate, the bioactive agents contained within increase the brain’s level of serotonin, producing mild stimulation and the release of the calming, mood enhancing dopamine. That would be chocolate. Vanilla just makes your farts smell like sugar cookies.
Craig: Um, you say that as if farts smelling like sugar cookies are a bad thing? And what’s so bad about being churchy? I believe it was baby Jesus who once said: “You who favor vanilla over chocolate shall be welcome into the kingdom of heaven when my dad thrusts the Earth into a realm of terror for America’s acceptance of gays.” Or something like that. So when we get up to heaven there’s gonna be two lines, one for vanilla lovers and one for chocolate lovers. Or as St. Peter will refer to them as: “White Line” and “Colored Line”. Yay segregation! Vanilla power!
Bossy: But those who prefer chocolate don’t have to wait their whole whitey lives for St. Peter and that gate thingy, because eating chocolate is like heaven on earth. And lucky thing, because those who eat chocolate will live longer. There’s only one flavor that has the potential to lower blood pressure and cholesterol and reduce the risk of blood clots. And that flavor? Ding ding ding! Chocolate! Meanwhile Vanilla is good for… um… looking it up and… oh, here it is: Nothing.
Craig: I love vanilla. It makes me happy. You say vanilla is good for nothing. Following this logic, my happiness means nothing to you. I therefore declare this debate a personal attack on myself and upon my character. I can believe nothing you say. Perhaps you really love vanilla and are just saying you don’t to make me feel bad. Why would you do that? Why Bossy? Why? Now I’m sad. Quick! I need comforting. Someone get me some vanilla ice cream damn it! Better yet! How about a swig of ye olde vanilla extract! Ahhhh, sweet, sweet comfort.
Bossy: Oh, sorry, you were saying what? Bossy couldn’t hear you above the sound of the weepy violin. Bossy is pained that the truth of vanilla is making you so sad. Do you know what always works for Bossy when she’s in need of comfort? First she takes a nice ceramic mug and puts it on the counter. And then she takes some milk and mixes it with her favorite chocolate syrup in a pan over a medium flame and voilà : Hot chocolate. You could always, um, take your, eh, and mix it with, uh, right, well—you could always eat your mug.
Craig: Oh, and what will you be putting in your hot chocolate? Is it…(dramatic pause)… marshmallows?! And do you know what a key ingredient in marshmallows is? Do I even need to tell you? Fine, I guess I do. (After all, people who prefer chocolate aren’t all that smart.) It’s vanilla! And as everyone knows, drinking hot chocolate is just an excuse to eat marshmallows and enjoy their vanilla goodness. Aw, I’m sorry my arguments are so awesome. Feel free to borrow my violin. You need it more than I do.
Bossy: You’ve heard it here first: on the planet Craig, marshmallows contain vanilla. Meanwhile for the rest of us, marshmallows are produced from a combination of sugar, egg whites, gelatin, corn syrup, dextrose, corn starch, tetrasodium pyrophosphate, and gum arabic. Which, yum, kind of reminds Bossy of vanilla. Also? Do you know how vanilla is harvested? The vanilla pods are plucked from their happy vine while they are all green and odorless and then they are sent off to slaughterhouses where their vegetative tissue is killed—this can be death by sun, by oven, by hot water, or by deep freezing. Bossy never knew Craig was so violent, but she thinks maybe there’s a mood enhancer that would help this predicament and—oh, it’s chocolate.
Craig: First off, the planet Craig is awesome. It is filled with hard bodies in loin cloths cooling me off with giant leaves and hand-feeding me grapes. Secondly, check out THIS recipe for marshmallows created by non other than Martha Fucking Stewart and shown on Oprah. Just try and defy Martha and Oprah! They will cut you! But wait, you must be right because you have a magazine and have built empires based upon just your name alone. Riiiiiiight. That’s what I thought. Vanilla rules, chocolate drools.
So who do you guys think won? Even if I lose, I think I deserve a consolation prize for freakiest picture for my vanilla ice cream picture. I look like Bilbo attacking Frodo in Rivendell for the One Ring. Okay, that was a dorky reference, but come on! It’s totally fitting!
Think you could do better? Send me an e-mail with a topic you’d like to debate with me! For more Puntabulous Debates CLICK HERE!
BOSSY wins by a knockout! Sorry Craig…but she also IS one. A knockout that is…
I will call it a draw… you both make very valid points, though I cannot believe Bossy did not point out that chocolate mixes sooo much better with peanut butter… but again, it is a draw… can yall debate again… i enjoyed this soooo much… started my day off with a smile (and the need for some kind of sweet treat or buzz or something)…
Sorry Craig, you lose this one. I mean, how popular was the ‘Vanilla Rain’ internet video? I rest my case.
I took notes during the debate!
I myself prefer vanilla – 1 point Craiggers
Photo of cute doggy – 1 point Bossy
Craiggers Jesus quote – 1 point Craiggers
Bossy lookin all virginal – 1 point Bossy
Craiggers turning the debate into a personal attack (a very Faux News, Republican thing to do) – 1 point Bossy
A REAL violin – 1 point Bossy
Craiggers 5th photo is just so flaming gay I laughed out loud – 1 point Craiggers
“Planet Craig” hat (where can I get me one of those????) – 1 point Bossy
Craiggers playing the Oprah/Martha card – 1 point Craiggers
Final total: Bossy 5, Craiggers 4. Bossy wins…which is really sad, considering I like vanilla a LOT more than chocolate….
HUGS..
This is the most amazing entry I have ever read in my entire list. No Joke.
I actually say that you won, because I’m biased and like Vanilla a lot more than chocolate. But then I do love my hot chocolate in the winter, so maybe Bossy won. And both your pictures were amazing. Especially the one with the violin. That was Bossy’s picture? Hm, I just don’t know who won. But great entry!
Fucking hilarious.
By the way … chocolate.
Hilarious!!! I give the edge to Bossy on this one, but the ice cream pic really was the highlight for me. lolol.
‘Fraid I have to go with Bossy for overall tone and content, but that Jesus quote rocked.
Oh, thank you. Thank you thank you thank you for assembling this debate.
I don’t think I could chose between chocolate and vanilla. I would be bereft, though, if there was no such thing as a vanilla candle.
Vanilla makes farts smell like sugar cookies?
That is enough for me.
GO VANILLA!!
All this virtual flirting is making me sick. Bossy, don’t you have a husband?!?
Personally, I’m all for the chocolate vanilla swirl.
Chocolate rules vanilla drools.
Bossy wins by a clothespin and a KitKat.
It’s a shame you have a two party system, though–what about the strawberry fringe vote? It’s a Neopolitan world, baby, and don’t you forget it.
ebony & ivory should live together in perfect harmony.
can’t we all just get along?
team= black and white ice cream soda.
Pretty evenly matched on “text wittiness”, but I have to give it to Bossy hands-down on “photo creativity”. Actually, on the re-read, Bossy has the edge there too. Too bad, because I prefer vanilla over chocolate 98% of the time.
This made me laugh, Craig. Although sorry to say I think chocolate and Bossy win, if only for the violin photo.
Oh, my. That was a good one… again. You were both hilarious and Bossy has upped the ante on pictures. The violin cracked me up.
What an AWESOME debate..it was JUST like a tennis match.
I’m thinking that vanilla SHOULD have a edge..it’s used in MANY recipes and then there is French Vanilla Ice Cream.. BUT Bossy clearly won the debate. Dark Chocolate, Hot Chocolate and Bossy’s pictures made her the clearn winner.
It’s not so much that chocolate won..Bossy won.
(ps…I just REALLY want a Special Dark right now..dipped in peanut butter)
I’m gonna have to go with Bossy FTW. When it comes to ice cream or yogurt I like vanilla best, but Bossy’s arguments were very convincing. She got you with the marshmallow thing.
Uh, Bossy. Chocolate. Period (hell-OOOO! Women prefer chocolate!).
That was hilarious, btw.
I bow to Bossy and her valiant defense of chocoloate. . .chocolate is for lovers. . .and those without lovers. . .vanilla is a blank slate to put chocolate on. . .huzzah for chocolate!
Okay, well I, too, think that chocolate is heaven on earth. Did you know that chocolate effects the brain in the same way as pot AND kissing? You can’t beat that with a little limp vanilla bean! So Bossy totally wins.
But I am giving you extra points for THIS comment: “Secondly, check out THIS recipe for marshmallows created by non other than Martha Fucking Stewart and shown on Oprah. Just try and defy Martha and Oprah! They will cut you!”
Because I fell out of my chair laughing when I read it. THERE’S two people I’d like to see debate.
Dude, I never know you’re a Pez dispenser!
Just flip your head backwards and a candy pops out.
I am totally printing that photo of you drinking vanilla from the bottle and framing it and hanging it in my kitchen.
Totally.
Because I thought I was the only one.
Ummmmm…Chocolate. But you both win in the most “hilarious debate ever!” category.
Bossy wins this debate in theory thanks to creative picture taking and prop usage (I did take a shine Craig getting drunk on vanilla,) but I’d sooner vote Republican than vote for chocolate over vanilla. The marshmallow point was a good one, but not applicable to the vegetarians. Vanilla is the deliciousist, hands down.
Wonderful debate! both sides were so cool, so calm, so collected, so…outta their minds!!! Fun to read, though I am still bossy’s girl and am on the side of Chocolate (though I do love a nice Bourbon vanilla – it turns my husband on when I bake with it). But then Chocolate IS a Girl’s Best Friend, not those stupid, over-priced white thingys.
Hands down, Bossy wins.
Followed Bossy here, BECAUSE SHE TOLD ME TO! and was amply rewarded at 5:30 AM HST. Holy shit, THIS WOMAN WRITES FUNNY. Where’s the book? WHERE’S THE BOOK!?!?!?! Do you know what is on my bedside table??? Well, it is NOT a BOOK BY BOSSY! and that is just WRONG.
THE BIG BOOK OF BOSSY. Coming soon to a bedside table near ME! I HOPE!
Sorry C man, Bossy wins. That shot of her as a nun vs you and ice cream, sorry dude. Choc rules.
Totally hilarious.. both of you. Beautifully done.
But chocolate always wins.
I startled my roommates when I busted out laughing. I think the white and colored line part was my favorite.
Well done!
As with all things, PunditMom must agree with Bossy! But excellent debate!
Holy Crap! Between the alcoholic vanilla,and the mood enhancing chocolate I feel so damn good I’m calling it a draw!!
If the Presidential Debates were this well thought out and presented, I might watch them! I vote both of you for President, but I want chocolate as the first lady!
Well, if God’s on vanilla’s side, then so am I. But it was a close one Craig, because I am so devastated that you would shun me like you have. Aw screw it, I’m a heathen and I’m for chocolate.
I usually put a teaspoon of vanilla extract in my hot cocoa. Does this make me one of the goddam independents that are throwing their votes away?
Dude. You’ve got nothing. Because Bossy is, well, the Boss. It was all over with the violin shot.
There are 4 food groups: Dark Chocolate, Milk Chocolate, White Chocolate and More Chocolate. The End.
Bossy is right… its chocolate all the way!!
Although you had a great argument for vanilla
P.S. Craig, you’re busted! I read your other debates and there is an incriminating picture of you eating CHOCOLATE ice cream in your Nicole Richie/Kate Bosworth debate. This is scandalous!
Lyssa- Oh crap! Let’s just keep that between ourselves, oh wait… are these comments public? Damn it all!
I always favor and choose vanilla but….
after Bossy’s argument ….
I may have to go to the dark side!
I’m not sure if I have ever laughed so hard.
Vanilla totally wins. Sorry Bossy!
Genius.
But white chocolate is an abomination.
Bilbo was the first thing I thought of when I saw that picture. Seriously.
I am part of Team Bossy on this one, though. Go Chocolate!
Who knew the chocolate vs. vanilla debate could make one laugh this hard??
I am all about the chocolate, and Bossy. Sorry.
Chocolate is the other food group.
Bossy wins!
Well. I have to confess my mind was made up before I started reading the debate because chocolate vs. vanilla? NO CONTEST. Of course, the winner is chocolate. But I was almost swayed by your photos and persuasive arguments. Almost. But then I remembered York Peppermint Patties. And. I’m back.
Clearly, you fell on your sword by taking the vanilla argument, which was a losing argument. And Bossy had a hot nun’s outfit which made me feel funny in my pants.
Sorry, Bossy wins, chocolate rules, vanilla trails behind!