Puntabulous Guest Debate

Welcome to another edition of Puntabulous Guest Debates! Joining us today is Juliet from the awesome (and super fun to say!) blog Evolving Revolver. Her idea for a debate was RIDICULOUSLY genius, I couldn’t wait to get it on. And by “get it on” I mean debate, of course.

Martha Stewart vs. Oprah. Let the battle begin!

Juliet: Without a doubt, Martha Stewart could OWN Oprah. Really. How many people can go to prison and make a come back as hot as she? Oprah wouldn’t last one week in the clink. Without her personal trainers, dietitians and plastic surgeons she would inevitably eat too much and literally burst at her *ahem* seams. But Martha came out fresh as a daisy!

Craig: And by “come back as hot as she” do you mean host the worst season of The Apprentice ever? A season so bad that they only gave her one? Is that what you mean? Or are you referring to the god awful knitted poncho she wore? Because yes, Oprah would never come back as “hot” as that. Plus Oprah would never wind up in prison because she is such an upstanding individual! Hello?! They don’t send people to prison for building beautiful schools in Africa! Last I checked they gave out Nobel Peace Prizes for that, not orange jump suits and shivs!

Juliet: AHEM. Knitted ponchos are SO in, or haven’t you noticed? Especially ones you knit yourself from the finest organic fair trade alpaca wool. I would guess you wouldn’t know that, though, since you watch OPRAH and lord knows that she’s been wearing the same power suit since she was fat! No, no, no, Martha is classy. Martha is about the finer things in life. For instance the shiv she carried in prison: This is no ordinary shiv! Martha’s shiv was fashioned out of a vintage French chandelier, brought to her from her Summer home in Bedford by one of her very trustworthy Omnimedia. And that orange jumpsuit was made of 600 thread count Egyptian cotton.

Craig: Please! Martha could have whatever freaky-deeky shiv she wants! If Oprah ever went to prison (which would never happen because (as discussed) she’s so upstanding) she wouldn’t need a shiv for three reasons: A) People would be lining up around the cell block to be her Gayle… I mean bitch, and wouldn’t even think about harming her. B) If Oprah drops the soap, the soap picks itself up so she’s never vulnerable. C) She can kill people with the power of her mind. Not physically of course, just emotionally. Like she did with Stedman. And James Frey’s career. Who has Martha killed lately? A turkey? Ooooo! I’m skurred!

Juliet: Wait wait wait. Did you just admit that Oprah is a murderer? Of careers and emotions and souls! This is exactly why the plastic surgery miracle can’t be trusted!! And what’s with all that makeover every two months anyhow? She’s more stapled and stitched than Frankenstien’s monster! You know what all the nip / tuck is about? It’s a disguise. To mask her true identity as the devil. Her and her evil minion Dr. Phil are plotting to steal the souls of children and spoil all that is good and innocent in this world. She’s been trying to book a show with Martha for years now. She wants to do a segment on ritual sacrifice.

Craig: Let’s get one thing straight, of the two people in discussion, one of them has gone to prison, one has not. Oprah only uses her murderous (and ability to emotionally rip someone a new asshole) powers for good, not for evil. James Frey needed to be put in his place! He was a liar and a phony! Just think… Lindsay Lohan almost starred in a movie based on one of his books! Oprah saved us from another Lindsay Lohan movie! Thank you Oprah! What has Martha done for us lately? Mmmm, that shepherds pie she cooked me was really good. Oh wait, no, she just made it on TV. At least it smelt good! Oh wait, no, smell-o-vision hasn’t been invented yet. And speaking of getting stuff done, I wonder what Martha’s hair color really is?

Juliet: Craig. DARLING. I think you missed what I said. “OPRAH is the DEVIL.” As in, soul snatching, hell fire, pointy tailed corrupter of the honest and good. As in, Dante’s nine levels of hell she is at the very bottom gnawing on those people who couldn’t make it to heaven ( i.e. – those who don’t believe in all that is MARTHA!). Lucifer, Damien, Beelzebub, SATAN. Here, let me draw you a comparison:

Notice how her flabby thighs so closely resemble wings? And I don’t think I’m mistaken when I say that her pouf of black hair is covering up her horns. The evidence is undeniable. And you’re trifling on about jail? People don’t go to hell for embezzlement anymore. It’s just a thing you do, you know? Like noticing keenly that no one else is going to take the last slice of Chestnut Cake with Chocolate-Armagnac Glaze and helping yourself – because you wouldn’t want that to go to waste. Or haven’t we spoken yet about how much Martha dislikes waste?? She’s all for saving any poor, distasteful soul she can! That’s downright saintly!

Craig: Martha only dislikes waste because it proves that no one likes what she’s cooking! If her cooking was so wonderful, why would there ever be an ounce left over to go to waste in the first place? Who the hell wants Chestnut Cake anyway? And I don’t even know what the fuck Armagnac is. Oprah only eats wholesome American food, like pizza and cheeseburgers! Yeah, so her weight might fluctuate a bit, but it only acts as a symbol of Americana! When I see her body wrapped in fat, I envision that her fat is the American flag, and it is draped over her oh so eloquently. It brings a tear to my eye. Oh say can you see Oprah kicking Martha’s ass?

Juliet: Wait, did you just call all of America FAT? Because I think I can speak for all of America and take offense to that. And besides that is further proof that she is Satan because everyone knows that fat is the devil and if she is like this big wavy fat flag thing, then she is INDEED the devil!!! I think that you are going to have to concede that Martha Stewart is far superior to Oprah. Look at the facts: She survived prison with class and Egyptian cotton, she has an Omnimedia and is a bajillionaire, she’s being canonized as a saint – even Mother Theresa hasn’t been canonized! – and there is word on the street that Jesus (as in THE Jesus) was seen in her creme fraiche. She’s TOTALLY the God’s Chosen One. Whereas – I think I have pretty well supported – OPRAH is the devil and she eats kittens for breakfast, she makes America look fat and she’s terrifying in red spandex. C’mon Craig. I think we both know who wins this throw down.

Craig: Canonized, eh? Yes, I think it’s an excellent idea to shoot Martha Stewart out of a canon! I mean really? Who needs her? She cooks all that fancy stuff you’d never be able to cook in a million years, so you sit at home, sad and alone, thinking “Boy, I’ll never be able to cook like that. I suck. Mom was right, maybe I should just kill myself.” But then right as you’re about to throw yourself on your sword, your samurai-enthusiast roommate (who’s sword you borrowed to throw yourself on) changes the channel to Oprah. And you see Tom Cruise jumping on a couch professing his love for Katie Holmes, and you think: “Hmmm, maybe my life isn’t that bad after all. Thank you Oprah.”

So who do you guys think won? She did an awesome job with the Oprah/Satan diagram. Why didn’t I think to bring visual aids? Be sure to head over to her blog: Evolving Revolver!

Think you could do better? Send me an e-mail with a topic you’d like to debate with me! If you’ve previously sent me a topic, and I never got back to you, or if we haven’t started the debating process yet, send me a reminder! I’m very forgetful! For more Puntabulous Debates CLICK HERE!