Jan
2
Welcome to another edition of Puntabulous Guest Debates! Joining us today is the always fabulous and chic Suburban Kamikaze from the blog Suburban Kamikaze. As she says on her blog: Her address says suburbs, but her shoes scream “get me out of here…”
Her idea for a debate is something I feel very passionately about. One might even say I get all hot and bothered.
Summer vs Winter: Let’s get this party started!
Suburban Kamikaze: Don’t fall for what you see on the postcards Craig; winter is dirty, nasty and cold, and I don’t mean dirty and nasty in a good way. Do you know who came up with the idea of hell as a high-temperature kind of place? Well neither do I, but I can tell you who didn’t: anyone who ever lived through February in Chicago.
Craig: So you admit that Hell being a high temperature place proves the amazingness of Winter? Are you sure you’re not on my side of this debate? And while we’re on the subject of Hell, why don’t we bring up Heaven as well? (RHYME!) You know heaven, right? That place where all good people, I mean Christians, go when they die? That place way up in the sky? (RHYME AGAIN!) Do high altitudes mean anything to you? Well they do to me! Nice, brisk, refreshing, cold weather! It’s like winter all year round! There’s no better way to be rewarded in the afterlife than skiing with Jesus.
Suburban Kamikaze: I think maybe the altitude is a little too high in the Puntabulous corporate offices. There is absolutely no way that you will be doing any skiing with Jesus in the afterlife. For one thing, as any parochial school kid could tell you, the guy sports an all-over tan and hair down to his shoulders. He’s definitely a surfer. Speaking of sports, let me just throw out some statistics: I have been hit in the face with a lump of frozen water three times today already. That is an accuracy rate of 100 percent for my 12-year-old son, who only pretends that he is not aiming for my head. If I complain about the fact that my Wonderbra is now filled with snow melt and the side of my face is sporting a welt the size of a baseball, I am called a “bad sport”. When did hitting your mother in the face become a sport? I’ll tell you when: winter.
Craig: Don’t blame me for your son being straight. Maybe you should have raised him a little gayer and you wouldn’t have to worry about dodging anything. The way I throw, the snowball would surely have melted in the warm spring air by the time it reached you. Us gay kids always liked making snow angels and snazzily dressed snowmen instead. What can you make in the summer? A grass angel? Be careful of grass stains! A sandman? Good luck with that! Speaking of sand, it’s pretty much the worst substance on the face of the planet. But what’s worse than sand? Water THEN sand. And when does that happen? Oh right, the big summer hang out! The beach!
Suburban Kamikaze: Craig, I’m sure your snowmen were fabulous. But I am starting to wonder if maybe back indoors, in the closet perhaps, you were secretly studying the box scores and teaching yourself to make fart noises with your armpits. What else could explain the fact that you somehow failed to notice that in addition to sand and water, the beach is crawling with hard-bodied men wearing very little clothing?
Craig: Please. Who needs to go to the beach to see hard-bodied men wearing very little clothing when I already have them in the comfort of my own home on my computer screen? And at the beach none of the hard-bodied men say: “Hey dude, nice surfboard” “Thanks, but I’d rather be riding you instead” and then start making out. Speaking of getting naked in public. Outside of porn, it is socially unacceptable. In the summer, if it gets hot, you can’t just keep taking off clothes. So you’re stuck in sticky clothes being hot and miserable. But in the winter, if you’re cold, you can just keep adding clothes and get nice and cozy and warm!
Suburban Kamikaze: “If it gets hot you can’t just keep taking off clothes?” That would be news to the folks in South Beach, Craig, or even Fort Lauderdale, popular destinations for scads of actually gay men, as opposed to fans of the video game. I can sum up summer’s superiority in one word: “circulation”. It’s a good thing Craig, responsible for much of what makes life pleasurable, and like rum, it’s also better in the Bahamas. Do you know why your fingers start to burn and go numb when the temperature drops? It’s the beginning of what is known as “death”, Craig. But that doesn’t sell a lot of Currier & Ives prints, does it? Winter, on the other hand, is responsible for countless cases annually of what is now known as “seasonal affective disorder”. Which used to be known as the “winter blues” until Winter’s sleazy, high-priced, Washington lobbyists had it changed. They can call it what they want, Craig; nobody was ever depressed drinking mojitos under a palm tree.
Craig: Don’t even get me started on mojitos! Whoever’s idea it was to take perfectly good alcohol and add mint to it should be shot. If I wanted mint, I’d brush my teeth! And you act as if nobody ever suffers in the summer. Ever hear of heatstroke? If I look in my handy dandy home medical dictionary, it says heatstroke is “characterized by cessation of sweating, severe headache, high fever, hot dry skin, and, in serious cases, collapse and coma”. That’s right! A coma! Suddenly the winter blues don’t sound so bad! It’s like a fun jazz song! Shoobity shoobity shoo! My girl left me in the winter, I’ve got the winter bluuuueees! Yeah!
Suburban Kamikaze: You know what is also like a fun jazz song Craig? An actual fun jazz song. Maybe you have heard this one?
“Summertime, and the livin’ is easy,
Fish are jumpin’ and the cotton is high.
Oh yo’ daddy’s rich an’ yo’ ma is good lookin’
But Craig would prefer that the cotton all die….”
I don’t know what you have against fish and cotton Craig, but I can tell you this: If you are brushing your teeth with rum and sugar water, you are doing it all wrong.
Craig: Um, yeah, maybe I hate cotton. Maybe I hate cotton because it reminds me of 1800’s plantations. Maybe I hate 1800’s plantations because they remind me of slavery. But you know, if you like slavery, then yeah, by all means, cotton is awesome. I guess I just have a higher respect for humanity than you do. You know where they never had plantations? In the north. Where it isn’t hot and summer-like all year round. Just sayin! And yeah, fish is gross, because, well, you know.
Suburban Kamikaze: And who do you suppose was buying all that slave-produced cotton Craig? (Hint: blankets do not exactly fly off the shelves in Miami…) But your respect for humanity aside, Craig, I think we have gone a little off track. A discussion of the cotton trade would be relevant in a debate called “North vs. South, circa 1860,” but our assignment is “Winter vs. Summer.” Remember? (Maybe you should put a sweater on. Try to get your circulation going.) Along those lines, I will conclude with a few literary points. When novelist Edith Wharton produced her breezy tale of a young woman’s sexual awakening, she did not title it “Winter”. Can you guess what she called it Craig? When winter-logged Russian writer Leo Tolstoy took up the theme, the result was “Dreary, Vodka-Soaked Russian Woman Throws Herself Under the Train”. Now I am not saying that I am ready to throw myself under a train exactly. But it is no coincidence that the website and corresponding book of short stories I began in Miami, (“Suburban Happiness: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Tupperware”) evolved along somewhat darker themes. It’s cold here, Craig. That’s all I’m saying.
Craig: Yes. It is cold. But it’s a clean cold. It’s a refreshing cold. You come in from the snow, you pull off all your wet clothes and you enjoy a nice big mug of hot chocolate with marshmallows. And you’re happy. Summer makes you gross. You come in from the heat, you are a sweaty mess. You make lots of noises that sound like “Uuughghhhghhh” and you plop down on the couch until your body temperature levels itself out again. If you ask me, a snowball in the face every once in a while is well worth not having to make the “Uuughghhhghhh” noise ever again.
So who do you guys think won? Her pictures are incredible! The high heels in the snow are so chic! Be sure to head over to her blog: Suburban Kamikaze!
Think you could do better? Send me an e-mail with a topic you’d like to debate with me! If you’ve previously sent me a topic, and I never got back to you, or if we haven’t started the debating process yet, send me a reminder! I’m very forgetful! For more Puntabulous Debates CLICK HERE!
January 2nd, 2008 at 10:04 am
Dearest Craig
You are just to adorable, therefore you just have to win.
But, my oh my SK looks amazing in the snow and has a great argument…..
I am just jealous because I live in the land of perpetual STINKIN HOT tropics…..
I vote for a tie.
January 2nd, 2008 at 10:52 am
I forgot who was for which side by the end. I’m voting for the girl in the bikini sitting in the snow. If that’s you, then you win.
January 2nd, 2008 at 12:30 pm
happy new year…all the best for ‘08!
S!
January 2nd, 2008 at 12:59 pm
Hmm I agree with you, Craig. Even though its 18 degrees outside, I still agree with you
January 2nd, 2008 at 1:22 pm
I don’t feel that I can fairly judge this contest until I see Craig wearing a bikini and sipping a cocktail.
January 2nd, 2008 at 1:22 pm
i’ve got to go with SK. the picture of daniel craig erased any doubts i may have had.
January 2nd, 2008 at 1:34 pm
Anytime anyone shovels snow in high heels, they automatically win the argument in my book. Didn’t even have to read any further.
Although, may I second Jere’s opinion? I’d have to rethink things if Craiggers was in a bikini with a cocktail…
HUGS…
January 2nd, 2008 at 1:35 pm
Although I would really love to vote for you, I am violently opposed to Winter. It is currently 9 degrees outside here in southeastern Wisconsin and we have 17 feet of snow on the ground. Yes, 17 feet. Well, at least that’s what three feet of snow feels like to me. It’s a nice insulation anyway for the lovely northern plants that are slumbering in my garden, to be released from their winter death grip in only about four months. Why didn’t SK write about the wonderful freeze/thaw process that takes place from January to March for us northerners? The process that results in all that challenging black ice and tush-over-teakettle gymnastics? I would have loved to see her photo demonstrating that. Anyway. Please pick a topic that will allow me to vote for you next time. In the meantime, I have to shovel some snow and either hurt my back or fall on my patootie in the process. Summer wins.
January 2nd, 2008 at 1:38 pm
I hate choosing.
But I’ll admit that I think this woman is incredible and I am SO reading her blog after I leave this comment.
Happy New Year Craig
:)
January 2nd, 2008 at 1:46 pm
It’s freakin’ cold! Seriously!!!
I am sadly going to have to say SK won this one, because really I hate the cold and even with that I am going to have to go with her because really half naked men in the sun and surf. Even though you look adorkable in the hat and gloves.
January 2nd, 2008 at 2:06 pm
Craig Wins! I love the winter, it’s so fresh…you can cuddle to get warm, were in the summer you don’t even want to be near people for the fear of sweat and sticky skin!
January 2nd, 2008 at 2:07 pm
Sorry Craig but any mother of a 12 year old who looks that damn good in a bikini wins by a landslide. Oh, and the picture of Daniel Craig certainly helped win my vote.
Yeah for summer!
January 2nd, 2008 at 3:16 pm
As much as I love you, I have to go with SK on this one - Summer totally wins over Winter. I mean, would Daniel Craig ever be caught dead shoveling snow? Me thinks that a martini on the beach is much more appealing than 17 feet of snow any day!!!
January 2nd, 2008 at 3:45 pm
2 things;
1- ‘Summer Lovin’
2- December, the middle of winter is the break-up month. Summer wins.
January 2nd, 2008 at 4:13 pm
Tough call. I have to go with SK on this one because of the genius behind the bikini in the snow photo and unfortunately, thanks to you, now I’m going to always associate cotton with slavery! I USED to love cotton. No more.
Happy New Year!
January 2nd, 2008 at 4:33 pm
I love the debates! I also declare a tie, but I think it’s a 4 way tie with fall and spring too - there are advantages to being in the midwest, where all the seasons get equal time!
January 2nd, 2008 at 5:23 pm
Oh, Craig, this is a tough decision. I agree with you that winter is better than summer, and loved all your arguments. But Craig, the woman is shoveling snow in a little black dress and high heels! She’s sipping a cocktail in her bikini IN THE SNOW! She posted a picture of a reeeeeealy sexy half nekkid man! I give her high marks for the pictures, but you win for the argument. Besides, I really hate summer.
January 2nd, 2008 at 5:36 pm
As chic as she is and as good as her arguments are (and Daniel Craig almost had me there for a minute—I mean had my vote I mean had my vote for SK), I’m giving this one to you.
Because NOBODY who lives here in Eternal Summerland (perhaps also known as the 11th Circle?) could EVER vote for HEAT.
Julie
Using My Words
January 2nd, 2008 at 6:01 pm
Ok, sorry, but as soon as I saw the hot chick in a bikini, she won. And if I can get her OUT of the bikini, too, then I win. heh. Ok, we both win.
January 2nd, 2008 at 7:49 pm
Advantage: the photo of you pulling your hat on is adorable.
Disadvantage: Said photo wedged between Daniel Craig in a Speedo and a woman willing to sit in snow in a bikini for the win.
A solid effort, but Suburban Kamikaze for the win.
January 2nd, 2008 at 8:52 pm
Bossy doesn’t know who won, but she does know she’s throwing out all her clothes and going shopping with Suburban Kamikaze.
January 3rd, 2008 at 1:29 am
I agree in principal - cold weather is much better than hot - but I have to say that between the pictures and the comments SK pulled out the win.
January 3rd, 2008 at 4:01 am
A picture worths a thousand words. & Suburban Kamikaze’s pictures are amazing. Also, how can you beat someone who is sipping cocktail, wearing a sexy bikini, & enduring - temperature with a smile on her face?
Suburban Kamikaze wins!
January 3rd, 2008 at 6:39 am
Craig while I prefer winter myself, I have to say Suburban Kamikaze wins this one.
January 3rd, 2008 at 6:48 am
Summer rules!
January 3rd, 2008 at 11:26 am
Though I think SK is hilarious, I’m going with Craig on this one, I HATE summer.
January 3rd, 2008 at 12:20 pm
seriously craig, winter? I expected better from you.
January 3rd, 2008 at 1:35 pm
Oh dear, I hate to do this, but summer wins. Hands down.
January 3rd, 2008 at 2:30 pm
Well Craig, I think your readers have spoken: they really want to see you in a bikini.
Sadly however, while sub-zero temperatures may have played to my advantage, the same does not hold true for men I am told…
Love the hat, but it was the Q-tip savagery that had me spitting out my peppermint latte.
SK
January 3rd, 2008 at 2:40 pm
Go summer! Also, SK gets extra points for being out in the horrible horrible winter without a coat on.
January 3rd, 2008 at 4:51 pm
Oh Craig! she got you hands down…the bikini did it..sorry…lol
January 3rd, 2008 at 5:21 pm
Tough, tough call. I personally like winter better, but SK sitting in the snow in the bikini….oh man, that was nearly impossible to beat. And mojitos beat hot chocolate anyday of the week.
January 3rd, 2008 at 5:33 pm
You insult the Mojito, you lose the debate. Sorry!
January 3rd, 2008 at 9:11 pm
Great debate, but there is not even a question of the winner - winter sucks ass!
January 3rd, 2008 at 9:24 pm
Oh, dude, she smoked you hard.
And if you ever want to have to Canada V America, or Your American City of Choice V My Canadian City of choice, OR for that matter Your American City V DENVER debate, I am so your girl.
January 4th, 2008 at 9:49 pm
Hmm. Since I am currently in my first real winter after 30 years of endless summers, I don’t really know who wins. So I will have to go with the pictures.
High heels in the snow were a definate plus, although I have done it and it’s not fun.
Daniel Craig always gets my vote when he’s in the little tiny swim trunks. I mean, are there any strait women who didn’t melt watching that movie?
I aspire to look that good in a bikini…
I loved the toile apron…
Craig, the skiing picture with Jesus and Amelian Earhart was clever.
You look cute in your hat.
And I like hot chocolate way more than mojitos.
I still have to go with SK. It’s was Daniel Craig. I was blinded by his rock hard…abs.
January 5th, 2008 at 12:17 am
Well, after it was 2 degrees the other morning, I’m going to have to go with SK. Because, well, nothing is LESS fun than rip-your-face-off cold.
But, when it is 100 and humid in August, I will definitely be on your side.
Us Chicagoans are finicky like that. It’s like the saying “If you don’t like the weather in Chicago, wait five minutes.”
January 5th, 2008 at 8:36 pm
Dear Craig…You skiing with Jesus, (and GOD too!)..almost had me, realizing that somewhere you might see the advantage of the 3-in -One.
However…
you lost. Your cute cup of mitten hot choc shows everything I despise..yes..I used a strong word like DISPISE about Winter.
Let me sweat and run inside in front of the air conditioner any day.
My driveway needs to be shoveled…come over and I’ll feed you Craig!
You can have hot choc, I’ll drink wine.
January 6th, 2008 at 3:34 pm
I’m with Craiggers…. partly because he’s adorable in the hat and gloves, and partly because I’m on a snowboarding trip right now. =)
January 6th, 2008 at 4:30 pm
I’ve got to give it to Suburban Kamikaze! One of the things you focus on is how great it is to COME IN FROM THE COLD when it’s winter, while SK keeps telling us why it’s so great to be OUTSIDE in the summer. Clearly summer is far better. Maybe if this were a debate of indoors vs. outdoors you would have had a shot.
January 9th, 2008 at 11:37 am
Speaking of snowmen…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RZ10SurBFR8
cheers!
SK