Every once in a while I get to the urge to do a celebrity blog post. This time I’m going to do some serious investigative journalism and find out what caused Britney Spears to all crazy on us.
I want to know how she went from this:
To this:
How did she go from this:
To this:
From this:
To this:
Let’s examine what happened between these two time periods, shall we? First she kissed Madonna. It was a big to-do!
Then she met K-Fed who was supposedly a backup dancer, but I’ve never seen him dance. And he had a pregnant girlfriend named Shar Jackson who was supposedly in a few episodes of Moesha, but I’ve never seen Moesha. Plus I think if people refer to you as “that girl from Moesha“, and you’re NOT Brandy, you need to work on your resume.
And then she got pregnant, and we were like “OH GOD! NO!” but then she looked hot in this cover so we were like “MAYBE!” because we’re superficial like that, so if people look hot, we think there’s a possibility of some normalcy.
But then she got pregnant again and looked like this. Definitely not glam:
But then there was that magical day where the news broke that her and K-Fed were getting divorced and we were all like “Yay! We got our Britney back!” Franky I was hoping that she would put up the kids for adoption and we could all pretend that the previous 3 years didn’t happen. “But think of the kids, you heartless bastard!” Oh shut up.
But then she shaved her head and we were all like “Shiiiiiiiiit!” and then we were like LOL! but then we went back to “Shiiiiiiiiit!”
But not like Natalie Portman…
..at all…
But at least she covered it up really well:
So what caused our little Britney to get all crazy on us?
I’ve concluded that it all started with Britney and Madonna’s post-kiss friendship. Remember their “Me Against the Music” video where they tried to milk the whole faux-lesbian thing for all it was worth(less)? Kinda like T.A.T.U. but without the angry Russians. In Soviet Russia, softball plays you!
As you know Madonna is very religious:
Madonna loooooves Kabbalah!
See her red string:
Now see Britney’s red string:
What is Kabbalah? I’m not sure, but I think Britney focused on:
So maybe Britney has a serious mental health problem and was on medication when she was like this:
And then Madonna taught her the joys of Kabbalah, and Kabbalah taught her the joys of not taking your medication, and being off her medication taught her the joys of doing whatever it is she’s doing here:
And where is Madonna now? Spreading her Kabbalah elsewhere and not being a friend and mentor to Britney Spears, that’s where!
And Britney only cared about Kabbalah for like, a day, so all she thought was: “Yay! No more medication!” and ran off to be all crazy and shit.
In conclusion: It’s all Madonna’s fault.
THE END
Am I the only gay guy who couldn’t stand her from day one?
Um… I mean… LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE! WAAAAHHHHH!
I’m with Jere, I couldn’t care less what happens to her. Christina has more talent in her little toe than Britney ever had.
LOL. poor brit tho. sure xtina had more talent but i was really into brit for a while… but now not so much.
You are very smart to make that connection. I always knew that Madonna was doing the devil’s work.
God I love that last picture. Britney needs to go away…forever…really.
While I hate when anyone gives a seconds worth of stage time to these knocked up, drugged up, Hollywood girls, well done. I think you found the true source!
Britney is far more entertaining now. But yes, it is about time that bitch Madonna gets blammed for something (anything). She clearly is a huge bitch, now there is a person I cannot stand.
This is a very good report – Madonna needs to go down. I love Britney.
Perfect! [sprayed coffee all over my keyboard when I got to the Jews for Jesus pic] We don’t need that fake-ass publicity whore Dr. Phil to explain Britney to us!!!
Why do I see Joan Rivers when I look at that last picture?
you are hilarious! isnt it always madonnas fault?
Craig, have you seen this picture? I think it’s my favorite:
http://tinypic.com/view.php?pic=85pb0ug&s=1
See, if it weren’t for the fact that these two kids are gonna be scarred for life, I’d be thanking Madonna. Britney’s a lot more entertaining to me now with the insanity than she was with the pop music.
(Photo credit goes to WWTDD, from the post “Calm Down Fatty”)
If there were any justice in the world, Bush would have reincarnated as a sewer rat and you’d be the premier celebrity blogger, not that doofus Perez. Oh, and I’d be filthy rich (as opposed to just filthy) and fabulously handsome – not just very handsome as I am now. Cough.
I think Madonna is like Dorian Gray, and Britney is the picture in her attic. Or that alien that stole all of Troi’s life-force one time on TNG. How else does she stay so young?
OhhhhKayyyyy! I don’t know that I agree with your theory of where Britney went wrong, but I can see that you have researched the topic thoroughly, so have at!
Doesn’t seem fair to blame Madonna, though fairness hasn’t stopped anyone from blaming her up to now. Doesn’t Britney’s trailer-trash roots count for just the tiniest part of her Return To Trash Mountain? And maybe for her abyssmal taste in punks who pass for men?
I did really like the double shot use of Britney on a bender in the car – too graphic a shot to pass up!
hahaaaaaaa. your logic is infallible.
Your blog was so much better without Britney.
OMG! I was thinking of joining Kabbalah & listening to Madonna! Thank you Craig for pointing out the truth. Phew…
But even though Britney looks terrible now, her new album is very good!
The best part of the whole post was that you had Natalie Portman, Your Wife in it. Perhaps you should stay to posts about her. Britney bores me to tears.
HUGS…
A very logical, well thought out, conclusion. Blame Madonna!
Hold on! Have we all turned against Madonna now, too? It’s so hard to keep up with what we’re doing?
Thank you!!! You put into words what I have been thinking in my head for the last two years!! *bows down* You make an awesome celebrity blogger.
You’re partly right. The end of Brit did begin with the Madonna kiss. But it was the kiss itself that had the most significance to what would follow. You see, Madonna is a pop vampire. She sucked all of the pop-ability out of Britney right there in front of a live audience. Need more proof? Guy Ritchie…’nuff said.
Brit is the shit… she need to keep her private life more private tho
You betchum, Red Ryder!
Madonna gave her the kiss of death to her career!
Tom
I love the first picture of her, so fresh and pretty. The last picture, well, she looks sort of like a young Tammy Faye. I think its the lips. Great post!
What does Kabbalah have to do with it, she ‘studied’ it (well turned up to a meeting) for all of five minutes. It’s interesting you bring Madonna into it, people forget Xtina was in that ‘fateful’ performance as well, and she didn’t go off the deep end.
No Brit, love her, but she is the only one to blame, she’s an adult not a child, if she’s got the brain power to learn those choreographies and perform them all over the world, then she’s got the brain capacity to not fuck up her life.
Madonna-schmadonna!
Britnay-schmitnay!
Are you off your meds guy? Are ya?
fun fact:
in Kabbalah tradition you aren’t suposed to start studying the Kabbalah until you are 35 or you may go crazy.
just putting that out there.
Amen!
and Ha! I love that picture too LOL
LOL… That was really funny. And hey, might be true! It’s Madonna’s fault!
The Arab Aquarius
Uh-ma-zing post, Craig!
I agree, all ‘Hollywood’ religions simply enhance insanity. Couch jumping on Oprah, marrying Tom Cruise, choosing an umbrella as weapon of choice…
I should do an expose on ‘Scientology’ and ‘Kabbalah’, their headquarters are mere blocks from my home. You’d have to save me if I got in too deep though, I like my hair…
You can compare Brit to Xtina all day, but in the end who is everyone talking about? Hint: it’s not the sane one.
Best celebrity blog post ever!
Funny how after Madonna kissed Britney her career went down hill but after Madonna kissed Christina she became more of a respectable artist.
It’s so funny how people are so Down and Out on Brit…yeah she’s got probs and prob always had them but damn….how would you feel if you were constantly stalked, harrassed, acussed of (how much bullshit), married a total loser (which i admit is her fault..but i also think he influenced her to drugs)who then fucks around and party while she’s home preggy only to break up with him and have to pay him money for a bullshit wedding, and then have to pay him money for that mistake and then turn around and have your kids taken away by that same said asshole loser and have to give him more money. I actually think he set her up. The whole thing was a scam created by he and shar(i think that’s it’s name) so they could make more money and a name for themselves..Unfortunatly brit fell for (what i hope was/is) the big cock. Did anyone notice how smoothly he and her got back together so fast… I’d say for two small time entertainers, they’ve just hit jack pot for “small time” living. I would hate to be in her place right now…But as for the break down thing..I don’t blame her one bit…I’m surprised it didn’t happen sooner. I hope she gets better, take her kids back, and turn around and fuck Kevin up for what he’s brought into her life.
Actually, I’ve never thought alot one way or the other about Britney. But I have to say, I kinda like her now. She has some depth to her character. I’m all about a crazy bitches on the edge!
I have never spent a full minute paying any attn to Britney until this post. Well done, blogger. Now I can move on to more important stuff in life.
This is simply hysterical. Thank you so much for this!
BRILLIANT celebrity post..that is hysterical. So..the act of faux lesbianism..can we say “it’s the gays fault”..Wait..let me get Pat Robertson on the phone and find out….
And he had a pregnant girlfriend named Shar Jackson who was supposedly in a few episodes of Moesha, but I’ve never seen Moesha. Plus I think if people refer to you as “that girl from Moesha“, and you’re NOT Brandy, you need to work on your resume.
It makes me sad when someone who does not know the whole situation makes comments.
Shar Jackson was one of the stars of Moesha, in fact I can not think of an episode she was not in.
According to reports her an Kevin were happy until he left her for Britney.
My question is this: What did Shar Jackson do to make your pick on her. The only think she is quilty of is not being Britney.
KNOW THAT FACTS BEFORE YOU PICK ON SOMEONE!!!
paparrazi and entertainment media pay her to be crazy. she’s making a killing.
Ahhhhh I just love that last picture and the one where she is beating the car with an umbrella.
Can you say “Train Wreck” kiddies??
Awwwww, look Craig – now you’ve got haters!
Leave Moesha alone!!!
No. Wait. Shit. I think I got that all wrong…
OK, I’m back. It should be:
LEAVE MADONNA ALONE!!!
Great blog i agree 100% it is all Madonnas fault
Im glad someone else finally noticed that that skeletor woman hasnt done anything good in a decade except kiss britney
It all make so much sense now.
BEST POST EVER.