Jan
14
Every group has them. The token nerd. The unsung hero of the group. The characters who’s toys linger on the shelves well past the heroic leader being sold out. Well I’d like to take a moment and recognize these heroes of my heart, these heroes of my soul… these heroes of my brain.
WHO: Billy the Blue Ranger from Mighty Morphin Power Rangers
WHY IT SUCKS TO BE A NERD: The only good thing that ever happened to Billy was getting the best color uniform. (Although that only happened because red is almost always mistakenly perceived as the best color and therefore given to the leader of the group.) But that’s where his luck ran out. The rest of his time was spent delegated to staying back at base and “investigating” the problem. Red Ranger: “Billy! You stay here with Alpha 5 and try and find a vaguely scientific solution to the giant monster problem we’re having, while me and the Black and Green Rangers go gang bang that sweet piece of Pink Ranger ass.”
STRAW THAT BROKE THE NERD’S BACK: Being given a Unicorn ThunderZord. Um…gay!
WHO: Brainy Smurf from The Smurfs
WHY IT SUCKS TO BE A NERD: Who confused the terms “Brainy” and “Know-it-all Asshole”? Granted “Know-it-all Asshole Smurf” isn’t exactly children’s show appropriate (and more importantly takes too long to say) he gives us true brainy folk a bad reputation.
STRAW THAT BROKE THE NERD’S BACK: Nerdiness is often mistaken for gayness. You should have seen Brainy Smurf and Vanity Smurf at the Smurf Christmas party. Smurfin’ awkward!
WHO: Donatello from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
WHY IT SUCKS TO BE A NERD: I couldn’t even find a good picture of Donatello from the 1980’s cartoon, so I had to use this group shot, which says a lot right there. He also got stuck with the girliest color headband (Tinky Winky anyone?) and the lamest weapon. Splinter: “Let’s see, two samurai swords, two nunchucks, two sai, and oh, uh, here’s a stick Donatello. It’s a little broken in the middle so you might want to tape it back together.”
STRAW THAT BROKE THE NERD’S BACK: Being voiced by Corey Feldman in the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 1990 movie. But at least it wasn’t Corey Haim.
WHO: Perceptor from Transformers
WHY IT SUCKS TO BE A NERD: Let’s face it, the whole point of the show was to sell toys. And when those were sold out they made the 1986 movie and killed off all the old characters to make room for new toys. But the evil (genius) marketing was never more evident than the creation of Perceptor, a character who could turn into a microscope. That’s right: a microscope. The toy just happened to be a real working microscope, perfect for wedgie victims everywhere. Check out the Perceptor toy commercial!
STRAW THAT BROKE THE NERD’S BACK: Everyone: “OMG! Optimus Prime is dead! Who should replace him?” Ironhide: “How about Ultra Magnus?” Ultra Magnus: “But I’m just a soldier, not a leader!” Perceptor: “How about me?” Everyone: “LOL!”
WHO: Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from The Muppets
WHY IT SUCKS TO BE A NERD: Here’s another nerd that was segregated to a back room somewhere secluded and forgotten. Did any of his experiments even work? I think things just exploded around him. Plus he’s constantly being upstaged by his cuter, funnier assistant Beaker. Me me me me me me! He cracks me up! I mean, sorry Doctor.
STRAW THAT BROKE THE NERD’S BACK: His eyes! Where are his eyes?! Oh the humanity!
WHO: Velma Dinkley from Scooby Doo
WHY IT SUCKS TO BE A NERD: She’s short, frumpy, and of course, wears glasses. Lord help her is she loses those glasses. She turns into a blind fool screaming: “My glasses! I can’t find my glasses!” Bitch please! If you can’t find your glasses, you need more help than glasses alone can provide.
STRAW THAT BROKE THE NERD’S BACK: Fred and Daphne’s relationship was a constant reminder of her forbidden love. But for which one? Let’s just say that there’s always been that certain… shall we say: jinkie se quoi that lets the audience know that Velma is on the right side of gay. (Yes, I’ve used that joke before, but I love it.)
January 14th, 2008 at 6:32 am
Hehehe love it! And love the new layout/bannery thing you’ve got going on there
Interesting spelling of “Je ne sais quoi” aussi hehe
Keep up the good work! xx
January 14th, 2008 at 9:27 am
Who cares about the unicorn thunderzord?? Billy was and always will be my favorite. I’ll never forget running around the school yard pretending to be him. Like come on, he also had a triceratops zord, now that was COOL. lol
January 14th, 2008 at 10:14 am
What about Marcy from the Peanuts I can’t believe you left her out. The Yin to Peppermint Patty’s Wang, I mean Yang.
January 14th, 2008 at 11:09 am
you are too funny. this is a great post.
January 14th, 2008 at 12:20 pm
Simply awesome. The oppression of nerds has gone on long enough!
January 14th, 2008 at 12:22 pm
jinkie se quoi just made my day
what about Shy Violet from Rainbow Brite?
I probably just super gayed myself but she definitely falls into the Velma category of nerd-dom in the cartoon world…
January 14th, 2008 at 12:41 pm
I’m wondering if the reason Dr. Honeydew’s experiments never worked was due more to his NOT HAVING EYES than to any incompetence on his part. And surely, of the two, Beaker was the bigger loser? Still, good to see the estimable doctor trotted out, for any occasion!
January 14th, 2008 at 1:49 pm
So let me get this right…
you know Velma’s last name?
coughcough NERD! coughcough
;-P
January 14th, 2008 at 2:54 pm
Great banner craig. I love this entry…i was totally geeking happy to read it. Billy the Blue Ranger was my 1st crush that’s how i knew i was gay and they used to call me Velma in middle school cause if u took my glasses i couldn’t even see to grab them back. Aw….the memories
January 14th, 2008 at 4:04 pm
Poor Velma is so nerdy she didn’t even make it into your photo. But with a name like Velma she never really stood a chance, did she?
January 14th, 2008 at 4:52 pm
You’re an effing genius!
January 14th, 2008 at 6:00 pm
You forgot Corky from Life Goes On.
Yes, completely insensitive, but funny.
January 14th, 2008 at 6:41 pm
What about the entire cast of Reboot? They live in a fracking computer for crying out loud and dish out more nerd puns than a linux convention discovering happy hour for the first time.
The challenge would be selecting the token nerd from them.
January 14th, 2008 at 7:30 pm
I had NO IDEA that Velma even had a last name!
January 14th, 2008 at 9:00 pm
Know-it-all Asshole Smurf - HA!
January 14th, 2008 at 9:31 pm
Well said.
Sigh, The professor from Gilligan’s Island was my fav. Guy got no respect!
January 14th, 2008 at 10:14 pm
HAHA! I had a Perceptor. It was a swank toy…sadly, I did not hold onto it.
January 14th, 2008 at 11:01 pm
OMG… LOL @ Jozet!
January 15th, 2008 at 12:51 am
Ha!!!!!
This is one of the funniest things I’ve EVAR read!!! That’s why we love you here, Craig. Nerd powah.
My submission: Professor Frink.
January 15th, 2008 at 1:54 am
Funny stuff Craig, and love the new banner.
January 15th, 2008 at 2:12 am
Billy was awesome, hands down. Those other nub rangers would have died if he didn’t figure out what was going on.
January 15th, 2008 at 11:10 am
Did you forget Pidge and Chip from Voltron? Pidge got his degree in science, according to Wikipedia.
January 15th, 2008 at 11:29 am
Nice new banner..I love that you have the same sweater in 3 different color patterns..
Did you know that it was the Smurf’s 50th Anniversary yesterday?
I love Velma..she was my favorite..
January 15th, 2008 at 1:08 pm
The funny thing is Billy was the only one to overcome his nerdom. Remember he learned “martial arts” and used contacts so he was no longer the uber dork he was in the beginning!
And poor Velma…so many problems with her. Its funny because in every photo drawn from when the show started always had everyone clustered together and Valma off to the side lol.
January 15th, 2008 at 4:16 pm
i loved brainy smurf!
January 15th, 2008 at 6:03 pm
Oddly, I always thought DONATELLO the hottest of the TMNT, though Raphael was obviously the ’sex-symbol’…