Puntabulous Guest Debate

Welcome to another edition of Puntabulous Guest Debates! Today I’d like to welcome a very special guest, someone I’ve known my whole life, and is my certified awesome movie-going partner: my cousin Michelle!

TODAY’S EDITION: WHICH IS THE BEST MUPPET?!

Michelle: Of all the Muppets that I have loved (and there have been many) I have to say that Cookie Monster holds the dearest spot. I still recall the first time we met ‘neath the Christmas Tree and locked eyes to googly eyes. I remember seeing him in all his gluttonous glory on Sesame Street. Cookie embraces life to the fullest- with unabashed enthusiasm & gusto. He’s completely unapologetic about his desires. Cookie lives entirely in the moment, the Now. Big, blue, furry - with a heart as big as well… his appetite, he is without a doubt the best Muppet ever.

Craig: Let’s see…yup…blue…furry…googly eyes. That sounds about right. Wait a second! Cookie Monster?! Don’t you mean Grover? Because obviously Grover is the best Muppet ever. What does he have that Cookie Monster doesn’t, you ask? Besides a bottom lip, Grover is also the proud owner of a normal, healthy appetite. You said it yourself, Cookie Monster is a glutton! That’s one of the seven deadly sins! Right up there with Greed, Lust, and Evolution! You know what isn’t one of the seven deadly sins? Being completely adorable. And having a bottom lip. How does Cookie Monster eat all those cookies without a bottom lip anyway? Creeeepy!

Michelle: So what if Cookie is a little overweight? He’s never hidden the fact that he is a monster. He’s the only Muppet who calls himself Cookie Monster, unlike other monsters I could mention. He’s big and proud of it! The Muppet equivalent of Queen Latifah. Not only does he make Obsessive Compulsive disorder seem normal, he makes it seem good! Furry, blue… even adorable, I’ll grant you but droopy eyed Grover does not have Cookie’s very distinctive googly eyes. Cookie has opposable thumbs AND he has opposable eyes - 360 vision, able to see around and behind him at any time. Plus, who doesn’t love a sinner? Cookie makes us feel better about our own imperfections, our own foibles. Grover is uptight, a worrywart and can’t hold down a job. Grover has is-sues.

Craig: GASP! How dare you use my love of Queen Latifah against me! Besides, no one should be proud to be a monster! Would we favor Osama Bin Laden if he called himself Osama Bin Terrorist? “Oh, he’s not bad! At least he’s proud to be a terrorist!” Grover doesn’t refer to himself as a monster because he’s working to get past his monster ancestry. He’s practically the next step in the evolutionary chain! He’s the golden retriever to Cookie Monster’s untamed rabies-infested wolf. Cookie Monster is like one of those Bengal tigers that people keep as pets and then one day turn on their owners and eat them. You know how many kids have lost their hands while trying to feed Cookie Monster cookies? Me neither. But I’m sure it’s a lot!

Michelle: Craig, Craig, Craig…you have to look at the WHOLE monster. Sure he has this wild and a bit crazed side, but Cookie Monster also has an incredibly civilized, cultured, and sophisticated side. He’s a very well rounded monster and no! I don’t mean his physique. He’s a painter, an inventor… note particularly his duty as host of MonsterPiece Theatre. With long red robe, lounging on his velvet chair with classical music playing in the background, Cookie is the very picture of elegance - tres debonair! His introductions of “Chariots of Fur”, “Me, Claudius”, and “Monsters with Dirty Faces” show true wit and panache. When the Muppets went to the Met, they named the special: Don’t Eat the Pictures. Surely, the people at Sesame Street, wouldn’t have done that if they didn’t have complete faith in Cookie as a spokesperson. What has Grover done that can beat that?

Craig: MonsterPiece Theater? Seriously, does Cookie Monster have to keep throwing his monster-ness in our faces? He can be a monster all he wants behind closed doors, but I can’t stand it when he insists on throwing his deviant monster-like behavior in my face! It’s simply unnatural! But you’re right, Grover hasn’t done anything quite like MonsterPiece Theater. You know why? Because he’s too busy saving lives. He is a superhero after all! I mean, you have heard of Super Grover right? It’s right up there with Superman, Batman, and Wonder Woman. I heard they even wanted to give him a spot in the Justice League, but Aquaman filed a discrimination against lame superheroes with useless powers lawsuit and took the last available spot. And granted, a name like Super Grover isn’t exactly the best way to maintain a secret alter-ego, the important thing is that he’s out helping people! He helps lost children, resolves conflicts, and even fixes computers! Is there nothing he can’t do?!

Michelle: Landing would be nice. Correction: Landing without crashing into anything or anyone. And you’re right, Grover doesn’t even try to maintain a secret identity. He wants everyone to know he’s SUPER Grover. A little narcissistic aren’t we? Did you ever listen to his theme song? “Smarter than a speeding bullet”. That’s comforting. As for helping people, just listen to the piteous sighs of the poor children when they realize that it is Super Grover. I’ll give him an E for effort but an M for mucking things up. The children always end up solving their own problems, while Grover honestly believes that he has helped them. They have another word for that too: delusional. As I said, Grover has issues. Cookie Monster on the other hand has dedicated his life to teaching children the alphabet, on his exceedingly informative letter of the day segment. What kid doesn’t know the timeless classic “C is for Cookie”? And what is it that causes Grover to talk so formally - he refuses to use a simple contraction. Cookie always gets straight to the point - “Me want Cookie.” Perhaps Grover’s cape is a little too tight.

Craig: One person’s “delusional” is another person’s “optimistic”! Grover has such a positive attitude, that he can’t help but think that his valiant (read: very valiant!) efforts are doing good. And while he might not be directly helping people, his attempts to help them give them the push they need to solve their own problems! And what’s so bad about not using contractions? One does not need contractions when they are making valid points! And what is so bad about speaking with a little flair? If everyone spoke as bluntly as Cookie Monster, English teachers all over America would be out of a job since Romeo and Juliet would be reduced to a single line: “Me no like love.” Although I guess they would be busy enough trying to teach their students the rest of the alphabet. If we left it up to Cookie Monster to teach our children their ABCs, we’d have an entire generation of children reciting the CCCs! What a Completely Careless Calamity that would be!

Michelle: If Grover is such a successful super hero - why does he have to work at so many other jobs to supplement his income? Did you ever think of that? Waiter, Door to Door Salesman, Elevator Operator. Will the real Grover please stand up? Besides, Grover can hardly even call Sesame Street his home anymore. He has spent the last few years traipsing around the world - what is he trying to be - the prodigal Muppet? Contrary to popular belief, Cookie Monster has not limited himself to the letter C. He has gone through the entire alphabet on Sesame Street. Admittedly, he always ends up eating the letter of the day but it just makes the lesson that much more memorable, ingraining itself into little children’s brains until the end of time. The song “C is for Cookie” is also indicative of Cookie Monster’s magnificent musical ability. Along with other songs, he has not one but two disco classics: “C is for Cookie Disco Mix” and “Me Lost Me Cookie at the Disco”. Watching Cookie, perform is like watching any true artist - James Brown, Aretha and Queen Latifah! That monster has soul! What songs can Grover lay claim to?

Craig: What’s so bad about having loads of different jobs? It shows a thirst for new challenges! For adventure! For snazzy new uniforms! And look at all those jobs: Waiter (serving people), Door to Door Salesman (giving to people), Elevator Operator (helping people get to and fro). Not only is G for Grover, but it is also for Giving. He has devoted his entire career(s) to helping people! Maybe that’s why his eyes are so “droopy”. It just goes to show how the burden of all those years of service have affected him. Kinda like, um, let’s see, Frodo and the One Ring! He is a shell of his once former greatness! But he continues to persevere! To put on a happy face for the sake of the children! It’s only a matter of time before Gollum… I mean Cookie Monster mistakes his finger for a furry, blue cookie and bites it off!

Michelle: Well, there you have it - who is better: A whole, very well rounded Muppet? Or a shell of a former Muppet? I think the choice is clear. Furry, blue, embracing life and his monsterness, enthusiastic educator, distinguished host, disco diva, a true cookie connoisseur! I didn’t even get to mention that he is a master of disguise and an outstanding game show contestant. He always manages to “Beat the Time” with mere seconds left. So what if he eats the prize? He’s earned it! Lastly, Cookie Monster is still with me, still my friend after all these years. He now visits my Godson Patrick, who gives him hugs, kisses and yes - cookies! (And he hasn’t lost a digit yet). Me say Cookie Rules!

Craig: Well Patrick is my Godson too! So there is only one reasonable thing we can do: Use him as a weapon against each other! I’ll be sure to give him a new Grover toy for every occasion! Birthdays! Christmas! St. Patrick’s Day! Flag Day! By the time Patrick is 10 I will have brainwashed…I mean shown him the true path of Grover awesomeness! And how can he not see the truth? Grover is lovable, giving, and most importantly a superhero. Not a crazy-eyed overeater with a penchant for talking like a caveman, like someone else I know. And there’s still that issue of a bottom lip. I’m pretty sure he’s the only Muppet to have a lip, which also makes him an excellent kisser. Um, not that I know from personal experience or anything, I’m just assuming.

So who do you guys think won? These pictures were so much fun to make! We hope you folks liked them!

Think you could do better? Send me an e-mail with a topic you’d like to debate with me! If you’ve previously sent me a topic, and I never got back to you, or if we haven’t started the debating process yet, send me a reminder! I’m very forgetful! For more Puntabulous Debates CLICK HERE!