Puntabulous

Welcome to another edition of Puntabulous Guest Debates! Today I’d like to welcome Jon from GayCondo, an awesome blog run by two queer couples in Portland, Oregon who live together with their three cats and three houseplants.

TODAY’S TOPIC: WINE VS BEER!

Jon: MMMmmm wine! The delicious nectar of the cultured class! A fruity ambrosia of pure enlightenment! Truly it is the alcoholic beverage of the gods! Oh wait, I mean of god, singular. That’s right, wine is the blood of Jesus/God. (as I understand it, they are somehow mystically the same person). Can you imagine beer as blood (hello anemia!) Truly wine is a heavenly delight!

Craig: “Cultured class,” huh? Are all wine drinkers as elitist as yourself? Because I for one am a fan of the People’s beverage. Beer! Wine may be born from the blood of baby Jesus, but beer is born from the sweat and tears of the working class! Besides, who wants to drink blood anyway? Um, vampire much? And the blood of Jesus no less! But I guess that makes sense. After all, the cultured class (read: upper class) only got there by sucking the life (read: blood) out of those that came before them (read: Jesus).

Jon: I assume that by “the people” and “the working class” you mean “the poor”. How interesting, the poor drink beer… I wonder if there is some causational graph on the internet somewhere that may add a new perspective on the subject… Oh yeah, there’s this. That’s right, poor people are more likely to be OBESE! I wonder why? Could it be that a pint of beer has: 15 grams of carbs and 200 calories, while a 6 oz glass of wine has only 1.4 grams of carbs and 120 calories? That’s right, drinking a couple of beers at a party is like eating a mound of sandwiches, and everyone know that pretty girls don’t eat a pile of sandwiches at a party. Oh, and they also don’t fart from a puffy carbonated belly.

Craig: First things first: farting is hysterical. To me, farting is like that Janet Jackson song “Anytime, Anyplace”. So don’t try and use farting against me. Your efforts are futile. Besides, pretty girls DO eat a pile of sandwiches because they just throw it up a few minutes later anyway. That’s why pretty girls drink beer too. Beer leads to burping, and a good solid burp is practically halfway to a good solid vomit. And poor people are only obese because they can’t afford personal trainers or plastic surgery. It’s a shame you’ve resorted to picking on the poor and fat of this world to make your arguments. As the wise Anheuser Busch once said: “Give us your poor, your fat, your huddled masses longing for a cold one.” You can keep your rich, snobby wine drinkers. Beer drinkers throw better parties anyway.

Jon: I may sarcastically jest about the poor and overweight, but it is just in light fun. Devil’s advocate if you will, dear Craig, you however have tread on truly offensive ground. Insulting and devaluing the experiences of those with eating disorders is just sick, sick, sick. Why just open any issue of Jane, Cosmo, or Teen Vogue, flip to page 173, and there it is: a serious article detailing the very tragic truth about those living with this terrible demon. Oh, and while on the topic of “vomiting”, “parties”, “beer”, and “girls with eating disorders”, only one scenario comes to mind: dumb straighty college parties. Wanna get laid Craig? Well it’s only gonna happen at one of those parties with a developmentally stunted, drunk, closeted oaf who punches you in the neck after he cums (oh, and you Craig will not be cumming in this scenario, you’ll maybe be dead from a collapsed trachea). Wine drinkers, however, are all fags. It’s a fact. Mention “viennese actionism and it’s relation to the postmodern body oriented performance art of early 1970’s New York” at a wine party, and you’ll get fucked by, like, 15 guys by the end of the night.

Craig: Wow. I’m speechless. Is this a debate about beer vs wine? Or a debate about the dangers of letting punchy straight guys experiment on your ass? (Which you appear to be an expert on the ins and outs (and ins and outs) of.) My neck is far too delicate for such activities, so I will leave that up to you. Besides, us beer drinkers aren’t getting drunk enough to let our ass become the playground for future ex-gays. After all, the alcohol content in an average beer is 5% while the alcohol content in the average wine is 11%. And one serving of beer is an astounding 12 ounces while one serving of wine is a meager 5 ounces. So us beer drinkers can drink and drink and drink, and be social and laugh and have a grand old time all night long. Wine drinkers on the other hand have 2 glasses and are completely wasted, lying in a corner drenched in their own pee, and probably crying.

Jon: Okay. Let’s actually do the math here… According to the numbers you have given above, a serving of wine has .55 ounces of alcohol, and a serving of beer has .6 ounces! AND BESIDES!! Who has a “12 ounce” serving of beer? Last I checked Craig, most beer is served in a pint glass. Which is 16 ounces, which is .8 ounces of alcohol per serving versus the .55 for wine!! HA! And have you ever known anyone (Patsy and Edina excluded) to chug wine? No, people take delicate sips of wine. Beer drinkers however, like to get totally wasted and vomity doing “keg stands” like boorish thugs! You know who else are thugs? Nazis. And where are Nazi’s from?? Hmm… let me think… GERMANY!!! Now why does mentioning Germany make me feel like there is some sort of deeper connection going on here… Oh, that’s because the biggest beer drinking orgy known to man is the German Oktoberfest (read: Nazifest). Maybe they will invite your hero Janet Jackson to perform this year. I hear that her career is so over, she’s willing to perform anytime, anyplace… including stupid Nazi chug parties.

Craig: The math in your last statement makes my brain hurt, but let’s just assume you’re wrong. Besides, out of the two of us, only one of us was on their High School Math Team. That’s also a very wide brush that you paint your evil little pictures with, isn’t it? All Germans are Nazis? Does that also mean that all Muslims are terrorists? And all blondes are dumb? And all Star Wars fans are 35 year olds who live in their parents’ basements, blogging all day, while their parents yell at them for having a crappy job, when all the poor guy wants is to catch his big break and write the next big science fiction epic? Geez. What an insensitive bastard you are! And let’s get one thing straight: Beer doesn’t make people do keg stands; people make people do keg stands. Should we blame beer because there are stupid people out there in the world? And anyone knows that if you’re gonna play a game with beer, it better be Beer Pong and Flip Cup: The two best games known to man. Not only are they fun and challenging, but they’re also team-building! I’ve woken up many a college mornings with a sore throat from cheering on my Flip Cup team while waiting anxiously at the end of the line for my turn to flip. What game can you play with wine? Guess the Year? Snooze!

Jon: First things first, “beer pong”? Don’t you mean “germ covered plastic ball in a cup I’ll drink from” game?! Oh, and also, I didn’t need to be on the dorky high school math team, I was bred for math (interesting side note: my mother is a highly respected/published mathematician. She began drilling complex math theories and equations into my head when I was about four. So no, I wasn’t on the lame math squad in High School, I was too busy getting laid for being super hot/awesome)! Speaking of math, did you know that according to a study done by The Annals of Internal Medicine, wine drinkers are 1/3 less likely to die over a period of time than beer drinkers! Another fun factoid: studies have shown that the flavanoids in wine slow the aging process AND help in the prevention of Alzheimer’s! So when you, dear simple Craig, are a dementia zombie or dead with all your beer drinking frat buddies, I’ll be 95, wrinkle free, and discussing postmodernism at weekend wine tasting forays in France with all my Beaujolais loving friends! (PS: if you didn’t get that last statement, let me translate it into “beer talk” you may understand: “I’ll be a 95 year old straight dude, and be discussing NASCAR at afternoon keggers in Milwaukee with all my Bud Light chugging buddies.”)

Craig: You’re a dick. Wait wait wait. Let me translate that into “wine talk” for you: You’re a douché. Where did this misconception that beer drinkers are brutish NASCAR watching morons come from? Go to any bar in New York City at 6:00 PM and it will be covered wall to wall with men and women in expensive business suits with beers in their hands discussing the hard days they had at their big-time, money-making, stress-inducing, world-changing jobs. And did you know that beer is the oldest known alcoholic beverage (yes, even older than wine!) and dates all the way to the Ancient Egyptians? You’ve heard of them right? They’re the geniuses who built the pyramids. And scientific studies have shown that moderate usage of ANY alcoholic beverage is associated with a decreased risk of cardiac disease, stroke, and cognitive decline. So it’s not just a wine thing. You know what is just a wine thing? Sulfites. Otherwise known as sulfur dioxides. Otherwise known as the stuff that spews from volcanoes. But I guess you missed that lesson in high school Earth Science class since you were too busy getting laid. I, on the other hand, was in class, learning, and saving myself for marriage.

Jon: Well, it looks like the dementia has already set in! Examples:

1. You have the delusion that you are some sort of doctor, because you think you know more about medical science than all of the researchers at The Annals of Internal Medicine, a leading medical magazine. Geez.

2. You live in some sort of magical dream land where Ms. Bradshaw and Co. haven’t taught us that all New Yorkers drink Cosmos and other mixed drinks. (side note: many wines are blends, and therefore “mixed”… sort of)

3. You pathetically believe anything National Geographic tells you. Egyptian geniuses? I don’t think so Craig. They “wrote” by drawing pretty pictures. You know who else does that? Children… and retarded people.

4. You think volcanoes are anything but wonderful land machines. You know what sulfites created? Every island on the planet. I’ll make sure to let my Filipino friends know you would rather have there culture sunk to the bottom of the ocean. (beer drinkers are so racist…)

5. You think any smart person worth laying “saves” themselves for marriage.

Precious, precious Craig. Wine is divine! It keeps you classy, beautiful, young, and thin! What does beer do besides make you fart and get you date raped? Oh, and for all you wonderful Puntabulous readers out there, in case I haven’t swayed you to my side just yet, I have left the best for last. I present for you one of the best TV moments of all time.

Craig: Best TV moment of all time? Puh-lease. Every beer commercial ever created is the best TV moment of all time. Remember that sexist (read: hysterical) Miller Light commercial that caused quite a stir a few years back? Amazing! Even those annoying “Wassup” Budweiser commercials started quite a phenomenon when they spawned a series of parodies including this completely adorable Milk parody played out by a bunch of toddlers. Would a wine commercial ever be so groundbreaking? Do they even have wine commercials? Oh that’s right, wine drinkers probably aren’t watching TV to see the commercials anyway. They’re too busy having their hoity toity (wine talk for: “we’re better than everyone else”) parties where they talk about how smart they are were in college and continually try and one-up each other with their fake geniusness. Beer drinkers on the other hand are all about love and friendship. Whether we’re cheering each other on during a fast-paced game of Flip Cup; meeting at a local bar to discuss our long and fruitful days at work; or gathering around the television for a Battlestar Galactica Potluck Dinner; beer drinkers are all about community. A community where everybody knows your name.

So who do you guys think won?

Be sure to head over to Jon’s blog: GayCondo!

Think you could do better? Send me an e-mail with a topic you’d like to debate with me! If you’ve previously sent me a topic, and I never got back to you, or if we haven’t started the debating process yet, send me a reminder! I’m very forgetful! For more Puntabulous Debates CLICK HERE!