Puntabulous

The Story of a Snake Wrangler

This is the story of a snake wrangler. Show of hands: Who knew the word wrangler had a W in it? LIARS!

But in this story, the snake wrangler is played by Diablo Cody, because I feel like she would totally have a wacky job like that when she was in college. Did she go to college? Maybe for a year or so, and then dropped out. I don’t know. Oh well. That doesn’t matter.

Anyway, this hipster snake wrangler has this lame job where she brings snakes to kids birthday parties and schools or wherever else her fat boss who is cheating on his wife sends her to. She hates kids though. Like, really hates kids.

Then one night she’s sent to a big giant theater. She enters through the back door and she ends up behind stage and everyone is going crazy. She assumes they’re all getting ready for a big scene. And she’s like: “Hello? I have the snake you ordered.”

And then somebody who looks like this is like: “Perfect! Paint her silver, she’s on in five!”

And the snake wrangler is like: “Whoa! What?!” And somebody who looks like this takes a can of spray paint and paints her silver.

And before you know it, she’s hanging up in the air with the snake around her neck and there are people SCREAMING.

Then she looks down and she sees Britney Spears!

This regularly scheduled post is interrupted for a brief moment to remember how awesome Britney Spears was that night. VIDEO EVIDENCE.

Okay, and then she’s on the floor, but she still has to wear that weird awkward diaper thing that they used to hang her from the ceiling because she never received the proper dance training to be able to take it off gracefully without dropping the snake or missing a beat to “I’m a Slave for You”, because even though she considers herself “edgy”, she still thinks it’s a pretty cool song.

And OMG Britney Spears is walking RIGHT TO HER holding out her hands. She guesses she’s supposed to hand the snake over to Britney. “May I call you Britney?” she jokes to herself. And Britney is like: “You’re not the girl from rehersal!” but she keeps going because this is her big moment to shine, and Justin is in the audience and he just broke up with her so she wants to be all: “Look what you’re missing out on bitch! Why don’t you cry ME a river?!”

So she hands the snake to Britney, even though her fat boss who is cheating on his wife always tells her not to let the kids hold the snakes. But it’s Britney Spears, she thinks to herself! And then HOLY SHIT she’s sees herself in a monitor! This is her big moment! “Too bad I’m painted silver! I wonder if anyone will recognize me?”

But her hipster friends are watching and they totally recognize her! “OMG OMG OMG!” they squeal. But they actually say the words “OH MY GOD!” because they’re actually talking in real life and not on the internet and it would be gay if you actually shouted “OH EM GEE!” And then they’re like “Why the fuck is she silver?”

Anyway, they tell people they’re only watching the VMAs to be “ironic” but none of them really knows what that means. But they’re secretly watching because they look like this on the inside and they totally love the VMAs and Britney Spears, and especially love seeing their hipster snake wrangling friend on TV, because how many times does that happen? Never.

Except maybe this one time. THE END

STORIES, TELEVISION | Craig | February 21, 2008 5:18 am

19 Comments

By David D., February 21, 2008 @ 8:20 am

Craig, I love you, but you’ve got to stop with the sugar-frosted cereal. Just saying.
By Eleanors Trousers, February 21, 2008 @ 9:50 am

It is first thing in the a.m. on a Thursday and I officially feel exhausted by this. And also, I am giggling on the inside.
By David, February 21, 2008 @ 10:36 am

Always knew “wranger” had a “w” because when I was a kid there were Wrangler Jeans, and the W was all done up like is was a rope. This is because I am older than dirt.

As much as I adored this post, I have to wonder just how much time you have on your hands.

And who in the world is Diablo Cody?
By Mark, February 21, 2008 @ 10:41 am

OH EM GEE Craig, I totally didn’t recognize you with the silver paint on.
By Alice, February 21, 2008 @ 10:45 am

ha, i knew about the W from wrangler jeans too. i am NOT older than dirt, though. unless dirt is pretty young. then i might be older than it.

i miss that brit. sigh.
By Sarah is Ok, February 21, 2008 @ 11:49 am

Are you on cold meds?

Oh em gee, you’re funny.
By polt, February 21, 2008 @ 11:51 am

Craigger, whatever you sprinkled on your Wheaties this morning was NOT sugar, hon. I think you better check that before you use it again, kay?

HUGS…
By piersgavestonjr, February 21, 2008 @ 12:33 pm

Do you use an irony board to be ironic?
By digkv, February 21, 2008 @ 12:49 pm

That was entertaining to say the least. Do you have to be drunk to understand it or something? or was it filled with so many inside references that outsiders are just lost.

David: Diablo Cody is the writer of Juno who is up for an Oscar.
By FDot, February 21, 2008 @ 1:37 pm

I like it. Kind of a stream-of-consciousness comedy.
By BeRightBack, February 21, 2008 @ 5:35 pm

This was fucking fantastic, Craig. I loved the Diablo Cody thing.

@David: checking out cowboy’s butts growing up taught me how to spell “Wrangler” too.
By john, February 21, 2008 @ 5:36 pm

Somebody’s Mom didn’t buy their pants at Sears. If they had they would have known about the W and perhaps even the alternate meaning of “husky”.
By Îž_Heather, February 21, 2008 @ 7:13 pm

I think this is one of my favorite posts ever — I’ve read it about three separate times today and keep laughing by the end.

Can’t wait to read more “background stories”.
By ChrisNJ1977, February 21, 2008 @ 9:21 pm

Entertaining! This reminds me ever so slightly of Kurt Vonnegut’s style. He would occasionally launch into a witty vignette of the back story of a bit character.
By JesÃºs, February 22, 2008 @ 12:31 am

i love uuuuuu!!!! xD
By Dave S., February 22, 2008 @ 6:55 am

Hey, I was thinking of Kurt Vonnegut, too!

Okay, not really.

But damn funny stuff nonetheless.
By Craig, February 22, 2008 @ 7:19 am

Hooray for positive responses to one of my most ridiculous posts yet!

FYI – Longest Vagina Girl cartoon in the history of Puntabulous on Monday. Seriously, it’s going to be huge. Two weeks in the making. Be excited.
By BOSSY, February 22, 2008 @ 2:38 pm

That was one of the most inspired things Bossy ever read. Bossy loves you to tiny bitty pieces! And then she sweeps you off the floor with a dustpan and throws you out the back door.