Welcome to another edition of Puntabulous Guest Debates! Today I’d like to welcome Casey from the awesome blog Moosh in Indy (who I think looks like the equally awesome Becki Newton from Ugly Betty, right?) And no, she isn’t the Moosh, her incredibly adorable daughter is the Moosh, who Casey says: “Carries a shovel around to help out with my early grave.”
TODAY’S TOPIC: COOKIES VS. BROWNIES!
Casey: Go ahead, search the word “cookie” on Amazon.com. Over 75,000 results. Search “brownie”? A paltry 17,000 results. And that’s being kind. Google the word “cookie” and you’ll get 92 million results (yeah, you heard me, MILLION. As in ninety two MILLION results.) And what? Oh. 9 million for “brownie” *snort* The googling amazonians have spoken. Cookies kick brownies crusty edged trash.
Craig: I’m afraid to break it to you, but Google and Amazon are actually just websites. You see, they’re made up of computer code, and countless lines of Zeros and Ones. It’s all very complicated. I wouldn’t expect you to understand. But my point is that they’re not people. They can’t eat cookies and brownies for themselves. If they could, they would surely come alive and tell you how much more awesome brownies are with all their moist, warm, wonderfulness. And by all means, do not mock the crusty edge of brownies. They are the best part!
Casey: Well honey, your website is FULL of zeros and ones who just happen to love cookies. And speaking as a culinary genius I must now break it to you that I could easily produce a cookie that embodies every so called desirous attribute your precious brownies have. You want warm and moist? I’ll give you warm and moist. You want a crusty edge? I’ll give you an infinity of a crusty edge. WITH a warm moist wonderful center. Cookies are all that and a batch of dough.
Craig: Speaking of “batch of dough”, it sounds all fun and yummy to eat cookie dough, and then BAM! Twenty minutes and fifteen “taste testings” of raw cookie dough later, you’re feeling queezy and regretting ever making cookies in the first place. But after you make brownies there’s a nice little reward waiting for you called “licking the spoon”. No, “licking the spoon” isn’t the latest dance craze, or a metaphor for masturbation. It’s a gooey preview of the yummy goodness waiting for you after the brownies are done baking!
Casey: Is it my fault that you have a weak stomach? Excuse me, has anyone ever heard of “Brownie Spoon Ice Cream”? * crickets chirping* How about cookie dough ice cream? WHOA, WHOA! Don’t all cheer so loudly, you’ll give poor gurgle tummied Craig a complex. Brownies come in one variety sweetheart. One. Sure you can add stuff in, but it’s still a chocolate square masquerading as something more. Personally, if I’m going to be monogamous to one man for the rest of my life, I don’t feel the need to be monogamous to a single chocolaty baked good. You can take the brownie out of the pan but you sure can’t take the boring out of the brownie.
Craig: Sure, yeah, brownies only come in one variety. But that’s because they’re so unbelievably awesome that they don’t need anything else to distract you from the fact that they suck the way cookies do. Where would chocolate chip cookies be without the chocolate chips? Where would oatmeal raisin cookies be without the raisins? Where would [insert delicious item here] cookies be without the [insert delicious item here]? Bleck. My mouth just turned dry and bland just thinking about it. I think you get my point. Wait, did I just agree to the fact that brownies only come in one variety? Silly me! I forgot about brownie’s sexy little sister known as blondies! Well she’s home from cheerleading camp and she’s ready to give me a delicious taste explosion in my mouth!
Casey: OH BUT CAN YOU IMAGINE? You pledge your love to a brownie and all you’ll ever get for the rest of you life is the same old brownie. Sure, the brownie could go blondie, you could maybe even put a little frosting on it, but it’s still just a brownie. You can’t take the same old brownie to every party and expect people to be impressed. Cookies allow you to MIX IT UP! Cookies allow for VARIETY! And after all, isn’t variety the spice of life? And while I didn’t want it to come to this, a nasty brownie isn’t going to look any different than my really good brownies. Brownies rarely, if ever, stand out. And I don’t know about the rest of you, but when I’m faced with a table full of questionable drone brownies I’d rather saunter on down to the guaranteed goodness of my cookies rather than risk putting a bland piece of garbage brownie in my mouth.
Craig: Just because people say that “variety is the spice of life” doesn’t mean that variety is the spice of life. It’s just one of those meaningless things that people say like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “I love you”. Besides, I prefer to think that variety is the spice of “Oh my god! Why did I try that? I should have stuck with what I knew would be delicious rather than experimenting with something new and unknown!” Yeah, you might see a pretty little cookie with frosting and sprinkles, and it might be the sexiest little cookie on the block, but haven’t you heard of the phrase: “Don’t judge a book by its cover?” Except when it comes to ugly people, I really think that’s an excellent phrase that should be taken seriously. Brownies may not be the prettiest girls at the bake sale, but has anyone ever had a bad brownie? They simply don’t exist. Why take the chance of having a bad cookie?
Casey: Craig, first of all, I love you. And if I were a little closer I’d give you a big hug, and a cookie, because you obviously have some cookie/love issues. Maybe it all stems back to a painful cookie experience you’ve suppressed. Has this ever come up in therapy? Maybe you’ve been salving an open wound with the wrong balm. While your love of brownies may be true and unwaivering, maybe your inability to see the benefits of other forms of baked goods is what’s holding you back in life. Brownies are good, but brownies can’t heal. Branch out, find a new love, and like making out, you may find something you never knew about. How about we just call cookies: “baked good Kama Sutra”.
Craig: I don’t think cookie Kama Sutra is such a good idea. Everything seems new and fun for a while, but then when it’s all over, you’re picking chocolate chips out of strange places and it burns when you pee. Besides, I don’t know about you girls, but I’m pretty sure guys would rather stick it into a pan of warm gooey brownies than a tin of hard, rough cookies. Ouch! And I can’t speak for all men, but before I stick a pastry in my mouth, I think to myself: “But would I fuck it?” If the answer is no, then by all means, put the cookie down, and put your pants back on. And don’t try and diagnose me with some post-traumatic cookie issues! What do you think? My parents shot cookies at me with some sort of batting cage ball-throwing device? Although that might explain my aversion to batting cages.
Casey: My, my, this all turned so dirty. And all we were trying to debate was whether it was better to have a little cream in your Oreo or a little frosting on your brownie. GAH! Look what you’ve done to me! If doing a pan of brownies is your thing, then you deserve to win this debate, and all of the Google weirdos that are going to come looking for brownie fetish boys. But if you care to be open to the unending bliss and happiness that is cookies in all their variety and tasty glory, come, I welcome you. And I’ll even leave a pan of those nasty things you call brownies in the guest room. You know, in case you get lonely.
Craig: First off, you’re the one that got this debate all dirtified by bringing up Kama Sutra. And it’s not my fault for pouncing on the fact that brownies are better in bed than cookies. I’m like a debating cheetah. I see an opportunity and I pounce on it! Rarr! I’m afraid to say that you’re the tasty baby zebra in this scenario. And brownies are the sexy Blanche Devereaux to your cookies mannish Dorothy Zbornak. African wildlife metaphors along with Golden Girls metaphors? Is there nothing I can’t do?! I attribute it to the brain food brownies.
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So who do you guys think won?
Be sure to head over to Casey’s blog: Moosh in Indy!
Think you could do better? Send me an e-mail with a topic you’d like to debate with me! If you’ve previously sent me a topic, and I never got back to you, or if we haven’t started the debating process yet, send me a reminder! I’m very forgetful! For more Puntabulous Debates CLICK HERE!
