Puntabulous

Hey that rhymes! Every group has one. The brutish thug that helps you out of a tight spot. They may not be the smartest bulb in the toolbox, but they’re certainly the strongest. Their means might not be the suavest, but their ends are worth the collateral damage. Here’s an easy guide to understanding the various forms muscle can take:

WHO: Chewbacca from Star Wars
ABOUT: George Lucas modeled Chewbacca after his dog Indiana and the way he would sit next to him in the passengers seat of his car while he drove. And then obviously the name Indiana turned into Indiana Jones. Seriously, why don’t I have a dog? They’re like little crapping money machines! Except money brings joy to peoples’ lives while dogs are just annoying.
WORK OUT REGIMEN: Peeing. It’s a huge production. And then Han has to put a towel on the copilot’s seat because the hair stays wet forever. Don’t ever get me started on the dingleberries.

Chewbacca: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrgh
C-3PO: He made a fair move. Screaming about it can’t help you.
Han Solo: Let him have it. It’s not wise to upset a Wookiee.
C-3PO: But sir, nobody worries about upsetting a droid.
Han Solo: That’s ’cause droids don’t pull people’s arms out of their sockets when they lose. Wookiees are known to do that.
Chewbacca: Grrf.
C-3PO: I see your point, sir. I suggest a new strategy, R2: let the Wookiee win.

WHO: Jayne Cobb from Firefly and Serenity
ABOUT: In the television show Firefly, Jayne’s intentions were pretty mysterious. Was he a good guy? Was he a bad guy? Unfortunately Firefly was canceled and we never got to find out. But then Serenity came out and we got a solid conclusion to all most of our questions. It may not have happened exactly the way Joss Whedon (or I) wanted, but at least Jayne turned out to be a good guy.
WORK OUT REGIMEN: Dodging cancellation. Good luck Chuck! I’m referencing the awesome TV show he’s currently on, not the crappy Dane Cook movie. Is calling it a “crappy” Dane Cook movie redundant?

Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: Jayne, how many weapons you plan on bringing? You only got the two arms.
Jayne Cobb: I just get excitable as to choice — like to have my options open.

WHO: Private Jenette Vasquez from Aliens
ABOUT: She is one tough cookie. But if she caught you calling her “cookie” she’d kick your ass. The woman who played Vasquez is Jenette Goldstein. She played a character (and I use the term liberally) named Irish Mommy in Titanic. From Private Vasquez to Irish Mommy. Talk about a versatile actress! I heard she was even Phylicia Rashad’s understudy in A Raisin in the Sun.
WORK OUT REGIMEN: Beach Volleyball with Admiral Cain, Xena Warrior Princess, and Velma from Scooby Doo.

Hudson: Hey Vasquez, have you ever been mistaken for a man?
Vasquez: No. Have you?

WHO: Gimli son of Gloin from The Lord of the Rings
ABOUT: First off…Gloin? Seriously, I love saying that. Gloin, Gloin, Gloin. Okay, moving on. Gimli was a great little character in The Fellowship of the Ring, but after that he kind of toed the line of buffoonery. “I know! Let’s have him burp! That’s so original and edgy!” That being said, his contests with Legolas were really well done. And who doesn’t love rooting for the little fat guy?
WORK OUT REGIMEN: Running for hours and hours on top of ridges and other various mountains to inspiring orchestral music. Speaking of, why did they always have to run along the tops of the mountains? Seems like more work.

Gimli: Certainty of death. Small chance of success. What are we waiting for?

WHO: Worf from Star Trek
ABOUT: 175 episodes of Star Trek: Next Generation, 102 episodes of Star Trek: Dee Space Nine, 4 movies, and not a single headbutt. I mean seriously? What’s the point of having that awesome forehead if you’re not going to headbutt anyone? I’d go around headbutting everyone I saw. He came pretty close in Star Trek: First Contact when Captain Picard called him a coward. Instead he just said: “If you were any other man, I would kill you!” which I enjoy saying at least once a day in my best Klingon accent. Nobody gets what movie I’m referencing, so they just kinda think I’m an asshole. But then again, I admitted to wanting to headbutt everyone with my hypothetical Worf forehead, so maybe they’re right.
WORK OUT REGIMEN: Not practicing headbutting apparently!

Lt. Commander. Data: He must have died in his sleep.
Lieutenant Worf: What a terrible way to die.