Mar
5
This is the story about when I woke up in Speonk. Speonk is a magical little town on the Isle of Long. But you see, I was actually supposed to wake up stay awake until I arrived at Central Islip, which as luck would have it is also on the Isle of Long. Now if you look at it in the grand scheme of things, Speonk and Central Islip aren’t too far away from each other:
If you look closer, they still aren’t too far from each other:
Even closer, they still aren’t too far from each other:
But if you look on the Isle of Long Rail Road map, they appear to be a bit further than originally anticipated:
Now if I do some quick math:
I come to the conclusion that Central Islip and Speonk aren’t even on the same line as each other.
Now I’m sure you’re currently asking yourself: “But what happened, Craig?”
And I would say: “That’s a very valid question, dorkus. I think what happened looked a bit like this:”
Kinda.
But then it looked a bit like this:
And eventually it looked a bit like this:
Except I’m a boy.
And all the while my parents looked like this:
Because we planned on me getting a bit tipsy, so they were gonna pick me up on this:
Whereas we already know I ended up on this:
So when I was gently woken up at the last stop (which as you can guess is in a town called called Speonk) by someone who looked like this:
I had to call my parents with the cell phone that had 34 missed calls and mutter incoherently about needing to get picked up in a town a half an hour drive away with a funny name that sounds like the noise a donkey makes:
Now this is where I give a special shout out to all my fellow passengers for not disturbing the cute passed out drunk guy who’s phone was ringing off the hook because his parents have waited for over an hour at the correct wrong train station.
And the next weekend I had to treat them out to dinner for making them worry so much about where their incredibly sober talented son was, because my mom was envisioning me in a place that looked remarkably like this:
Imagine having to climb all those stairs to get to heaven? I’d be like: “Dude, I just died! What makes you think I’m in the condition to climb all these stairs?” And Saint Peter would be like: “Oh, I’m sorry. Are the stairs too much work to get to the magical place where all your grandparents and old pets are, and clouds taste like peanut butter ice cream? Because you could have easily taken the twirly slide down to hell if you’d like.” And I’d be all like: “Oh man! I love twirly slides!” And he would just shake his head and wave me in. THE END.
March 5th, 2008 at 7:52 am
Craig, Craig, Craig… I hardly know what to say, except now I know why my husband was laughing so much when he read your blog this morning.
March 5th, 2008 at 7:56 am
I’ve had a horrible past few days. This made me laugh out loud. Not an LOL laugh out loud, but an actual, true-to-life laugh out loud. Like with sound. Not quite a guffaw, but more than a giggle.
So for that — thanks for getting on the wrong train.
March 5th, 2008 at 8:01 am
Craig, how many times has your mother told you that you cannot navigate public transportation using a map of the galaxy?
No more Star Wars for you mister. Now go to your room.
SK
March 5th, 2008 at 8:02 am
Great story Greg, keep letting us peak into the life of you New Yorkers, I can’t imagine how you do it. The only train I ride is the 8:15 cattle transporter that I hop on like a hobo to get to the town over yonder on the weekend.
March 5th, 2008 at 8:30 am
I love how Speonk sounds. Speonk Speonk Speonk Speonk.
Something like that happened to me when I was 18, although no alcohol was involved, and my folks made me clean the garage as punishment.
March 5th, 2008 at 8:31 am
You are, BY FAR, my most favorite person. EVER.
I was actually just on Long Island not too long ago for a choir trip and stayed around Ronkonkoma and sang in Commack. Too bad it wasn’t in Speonk.
March 5th, 2008 at 8:38 am
Your problems were started by a busty German woman and you were woken up by Nick Nolte? And plus you get to visit parts of your state you never knew existed!!!
Wow…why can’t I have an exciting adventurous life like you do???
HUGS….
March 5th, 2008 at 9:01 am
Funny story, but Your Mother tells a MUCH funnier version of the whole train debacle. Maybe you should get her to do a guest posting on her side of the story.
HUGS from the Bug and the Bear!
March 5th, 2008 at 9:58 am
Hahahahahaha! The math image was the best part of the whole thing.
March 5th, 2008 at 10:44 am
If you had an embedded mp3 player, you could have Led Zeppelin as a soundtrack for the last panel.
March 5th, 2008 at 11:10 am
Dear Craig, I have two children. All I can is, in the Putting Your Parents Through Hell department, you are a rank amateur. I mean, no broken bones? No blood? And you were missing, what, a couple of hours at most? Pathetic. Funny, but pathetic. And I’m with ChickyMama, I want to hear your mom’s version.
March 5th, 2008 at 11:41 am
Oh, almost forgot re my previous comment: how many police officers were involved? All these things are the basic building blocks for scaring the parental units.
March 5th, 2008 at 12:05 pm
Well at least you slept through Mastic.
Oh crap, do I owe them an apology now?
And shame on your for making your parents sit at the Central Islip Station, just how many times did they have to refuse an offer of “Refreshing Crack” at a great price?
I doubt your debt is paid with just one dinner, this kind of guilt hangs on untill the very end.
March 5th, 2008 at 12:21 pm
Craig, your creativity frightens me.
And makes me still feel like a lame blogger…
Le Sigh…
March 5th, 2008 at 12:42 pm
Oy! You crack me up! The incredible, state-of-the-art graphics just MADE this post, btw. How could Mom and Dad be angry with such a talented son? Maybe you should invest in a personal GPS system so they can find you wherever you go? WHAT AM I SAYING? So sorry, delete that. Noone wants their parents to know where they are, when they’re out getting hammered, or otherwise privately engaged.
March 5th, 2008 at 12:58 pm
I’m all about the twirly slide too!
March 5th, 2008 at 1:09 pm
Alright, math drawing + Unexpected Nick Nolte face = my stomach hurts given how much I’m laughing… And I hear there’s a funnier version of this episode from your mom ? Come on, let’s hear it !
March 5th, 2008 at 1:10 pm
Hilarious! But probably not so hilarious when you were woken up at the end of the wrong train line. I’ve almost fallen asleep on the el in Chicago here, but then I’d probably wake up at the end of the line, but with my shoes and purse missing, so I’ve forced myself to stay awake. Be thankful you still have your shoes!
March 5th, 2008 at 1:13 pm
and his purse
March 5th, 2008 at 2:49 pm
During the Atlanta Olympics, I was a volunteer at the Welcome Center at the airport, south of Atlanta. So. I had to take the MARTA train from the top of the north line all the way south. For the Olympics, you had to transfer at the Lindberg station. Well, I fell asleep one evening while on the train and instead of transferring and getting home to Alpharetta, GA, I ended up in friggin’ Doraville on the northeast line. Never again….
March 5th, 2008 at 5:57 pm
Sue - If I remember correctly (the way Craig’s Mom tells it), the entire Suffolk County Police Force was searching under every rock and drunken Irishman. Quite amuzing, nonetheless.
March 5th, 2008 at 6:00 pm
And now I want peanut butter ice cream.
Your parents must be very cool (and so proud!).
March 5th, 2008 at 6:24 pm
Ha ha ha. And that story right there sums up exactly why I don’t take public transportation. Well, that and because we don’t have any that runs around where I live….
March 5th, 2008 at 7:01 pm
Having been awakened in Port Jeff when the intended destination was Ronkonkoma, I understand your predicament. At least you got Nick Nolte waking you up instead of a big hairy guido who reeked of cologne offering to drive you home…
March 5th, 2008 at 9:11 pm
Oh man, I want to hang out with drunk Craig! An go to Oktoberfest again! Lastly, slide ftw!
March 6th, 2008 at 1:26 am
This kind of thing wouldn’t happen to you if you drunk-dialed me. While notorious for falling asleep on the F-train, I have never EVER slept on a commuter railroad. We could be get-home-safe-buddies.
March 6th, 2008 at 3:23 am
I don’t know. Maybe I’m a perv. A real kinky guy. But for some reason I totally thinks nerds like the guy in pic number 6 are total babes! Like I want them to just unzip and do it with me in full nerd regalia! Am I a sicko?
PS: this may partly explain why I like this blog so much (nerd fetish in the house!)
-jon
March 6th, 2008 at 4:22 am
Hilarious story, graphics perfect. So, Craig went Speonking?