Puntabulous

GUEST POST: The Monster Awards

Everyone remembers my cousin Michelle right? She’s the one that kicked my butt in the “Which is the best Muppet?” debate. Well I asked her to do a guest post for me, and she was kind enough to oblige! Enjoy!

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After enjoying Cloverfield so much, it got me thinking about other great monster movies. There are plenty more but I’ll confine myself to the ones that most easily come to mind. If I were to give awards it would go something like this. By the way, Cloverfield would probably get most dizzying yet effective.

#1) Scariest ‘monster’ movie: Jaws
Not really much to say since the movie speaks so well for itself. It still holds up after all these years even though they didn’t have the technical FX that we have today. This was one that scared me to the bone and thrilled me to no end. I was definitely afraid of that shark and loved the characters so much that I still cheer at the end, despite being such an animal lover.

#2) Coolest monster that I didn’t want to die: The Host
Okay, so it’s also the ugliest monster if you look close enough at it, but I still love it. In the opening scene it comes barreling down the pier, and gives you a look at the entire monster right away, breaking every tradition of hiding the monster. I’d say this movie is the antithesis of Jaws. Both because it was at its best when it showed the monster and because I did NOT want the monster to die. So what if it ate all those people and terrorized children? We made it after all and it just wanted to survive. My only problem with this movie therefore is the end. Like King Kong, I turn off the DVD for the last 10 minutes.

#3) Movie from my childhood: Godzilla vs. Mothra
Every Sunday morning while I was growing up they would show a Godzilla movie at noon. There were only so many of them so even though there was no such thing as video, I saw it a gajillion times. Of course the FX are extremely outdated now but I still have a soft spot for this one. The horrendous dubbing didn’t even bother me at the time, considering that Sesame Street and The Muppets were my other TV mainstay. Godzilla was a monster that was (most of the time) okay to cheer for, he was in fact the good guy saving Japan from many other monsters. No worry here about Godzilla dying, he will in fact be back to save the day again. Runner up: Godzilla vs. The Smog Monster.

#4) Movie that should have been lame but was actually good: Primeval
What you say? A movie about a giant crocodile is actually good? Yup. Unlike Lake Placid (which I also enjoyed) this movie takes itself and it’s croc seriously, with surprisingly good effect. There are many obvious tributes to Jaws throughout which are very scary, though the barrels have been replaced by a GPS locater. Dominic Purcell proves that he can actually act outside of Prison Break. Orlando Jones is great as the sidekick. The movie also has a second bad guy, a human called little Gustave who is responsible for more carnage than even big Gustave. And without being preachy, Primeval does manage to pose the question who is really worse, the human monster or the crocodile? I found myself terrified of the crocodile and at the same time rooted for him, especially at the end.

#5) Best TV series that was supposed to be a movie: Surface
Without any question, this is far and away the best made for TV monster movie of all time, containing a scene which made me jump and scream so much I had to rewind it and watch it over and over. This time the tributes are to both Jaws and ET, since the creators are both Spielberg fans. It has a cute baby creature that I absolutely fell in love with, and the large (let’s just say a bigger boat won’t help here!) scary adult creatures. The mystery surrounding the creatures is extremely intriguing. I’m still angry that the show was canceled. However, the makers knew ahead of time that the show was going to be canceled so they were able to come to some kind of creepy resolution.

#6 & #7) Most cute, adorable and deadly: TIE: Night of the Lepus and Black Sheep
The people that thought up these movies are seriously twisted and I adore them for it. Black Sheep although extremely bloody is definitely meant to be funny. It lets us see a world where the overwhelming flocks of sheep that New Zealand is known for, turn on the caretaker humans (a la The Birds). These sheep are MAAAAD! It contains many laugh out loud moments including: Our heroes make their way in the dark, hear a BAAAAA! and scream as if they’ve seen the shark from Jaws; A sheep attacking the driver of the truck in a fight that rivals Indy’s in Raiders of the Lost Ark. The only thing that I didn’t like was the were-sheep storyline. I prefer my sheep pure.

Night of the Lepus (’72) on the other hand was made in the ’50′s tradition where radiation induced giant creatures (think Them!) ruled and was meant to be serious. The trailer and poster for the movie tried to keep the monsters a secret but the fact that they are cute and furry giant killer bunny rabbits is what makes this movie such a bizarre delight. The blood and fur don’t fly quite as much as in Black Sheep but those bunnies do have a nasty bite. It’s a B-movie by all means yet the scene of the giant bunnies coming over the hill to destroy the town is something wonderful to behold.

#8) Best Game of Hide and Seek with a Monster: Alien and Aliens
Aliens – they’re here, they’re there, they’re everywhere! Most memorably and disgustingly ‘hiding’ inside John Hurt’s chest, the Aliens are the best at Hide and Seek. The first one is often compared to a haunted house in space because you really don’t want to know what’s around the corner. You would think something that big and ugly would be impossible to hide but nooooo! They were just as sneaky in the sequel, secreting themselves in the hive like caves. And remember those nimble little face-huggers tormenting Ripley and Newt when they were trapped? But the real prize goes the Queen Alien who was able to hide on the escaping ship for a last game of hide and seek with Newt before one of the greatest fights (Womano et Alieno) in movie history.

#9) The “What the Hell is it?” award goes to the smoke monster in Lost.
Okay, so Lost isn’t really a monster TV show like Surface but it does contain what has to be one of the most original and perplexing monsters ever. First, it made itself known with a loud roar and crashing trees. It also killed the pilot by violently throwing him into tree trunks. To add to the mysterious nature, we also learn that it can project flashes of a person’s life to them. When Locke first encounters it, he says that he’s looked into the heart of the island and that it’s “beautiful”. The next time however, it not only scares him, it tries to drag him into a hole. When we finally get a look at it, it turns out to be long moving column of black smoke, which begs the question how can smoke physically drag a person and pummel them to death? It makes loud clinking chain like noises. Russo said that it was the Island’s security system (Ceberbus or Cynothoglys?). And now that we’ve learned that (possibly) time on the Island passes at different speed than the real world (think Star Trek: “Wink of an Eye”), maybe smokey exists in yet another speed? Whew. Apologies if you have no idea what I’m talking about. I love this show and will be so sorry when it ends.

#10) Monster so real it made me cry: T-Rex in Jurassic Park
Mom likes to tell people that I could name all the dinosaurs when I was only two. Needless to say I was super excited to see Jurassic Park, and although I enjoyed the beginning, I have to say I was disappointed at our first glimpses. The baby Velociraptor and Triceratops seemed too puppet-like and the Brachiosaurus seemed too computer generated. Then came the T-Rex. Real tears streamed down my face because this one was utterly, completely there. He could have squashed the car, eaten the kids, whatever. All that mattered was that for the first time I felt like I was actually seeing a real live dinosaur. If I ever met Stan Winston and his genius team, I wouldn’t know how to thank him for making me believe. Yes, Michelle, there really is a dinosaur.

What are some of your favorite movie monsters? What monster awards would you give out?

LISTS, MOVIES, TELEVISION | Michelle | March 7, 2008 7:23 am

35 Comments

By BOSSY, March 7, 2008 @ 7:31 am

Bossy thinks the scariest monster movie ever was Fatal Attraction.
By Avitable, March 7, 2008 @ 7:55 am

Have you seen Feast? Surprisingly fun, given the low budget. Other good monster movies would be Dog Soldiers, Slither, and would Arachnophobia count?
By Brian, March 7, 2008 @ 7:56 am

Mothra FTW!

The scariest monster movie is “Martha, Inc.: The Story of Martha Stewart” starring Cybill Shepherd. *shudders*
By ExAstrisScientia, March 7, 2008 @ 8:00 am

Scariest monster I ever saw gave the last State of the Union Address.

As for the scariest movie monster I totally agree with you on Jaws. My dad took me to see it at the movies when I was 9. I cried and didn’t sleep for a week. I remember shortly after my dad had a vasectomey, not sure if the two are related but I can see my mom offering to preform the procedure herself, because he took a 9 year-old to see Jaws.

Thanks for the great post Michelle, come back anytime!
By Dave S., March 7, 2008 @ 8:20 am

Scariest for me: John Carpenter’s The Thing. Freaked…me…out.
By Luke, March 7, 2008 @ 8:37 am

Thanks for reminding me about Godzilla vs. Mothra Michelle. I also spent my weekends watching Godzilla when I was growing up and you gave me a great flashback! I feel like renting one of those movies this weekend! Night of the Lepus was one of my favorites, you made me laugh when I saw the picture, what a super movie…Great post!
By Brian F., March 7, 2008 @ 8:48 am

I can best answer this question in the form of a song:

Attaaaaaack of the killer tomatoes!
Attaaaaaack of the killer tomatoes!
They’ll beat you, bash you, squish you, mash you
Chew you up for brunch and finish you off for dinner or lunch!

OK, so maybe they don’t qualify as monsters. In that case, my fave monster has to be He Who Walks Behind The Rows from the greatest horror movie series ever, CHILDREN OF THE CORN.
By Brett, March 7, 2008 @ 8:49 am

The Host is such a great movie!

Avitable mentioned Feast – and he’s right about that one. Fun and low budget. Don’t get that very often!
By Îž_Heather, March 7, 2008 @ 8:59 am

Yes, Godzilla! When my sisters and I were growing up (and my family had cable, so we had, like eight whole channels) the movies that we always ALWAYS looked for were The Wizard of Oz, Sound of Music, and Godzilla. King Kong was a bonus.

Alien and Jurassic Park were great. I did find the Velociraptors* scary, though, in part because I hadn’t heard of them before. And I think small monsters are scarier than large ones.

* My computer doesn’t like the spelling of that and keeps suggesting “Hypervelocity” and “Preallocators” which sound equally frightening.
By Miss Britt, March 7, 2008 @ 9:00 am

My favorite monster movie is The Devil Wears Prada.
By polt, March 7, 2008 @ 9:07 am

I don’t generally watch or like monster movies, but I gotta totally agree about Jaws. And your statements about Alien(s) was right on. Man, those Aliens movie scared that crap outta me! (not literally, thankfully)

Nice post, Michelle. Do you have your own blog?

HUGS…
By David, March 7, 2008 @ 10:00 am

I’m a total wimp and hate to be scared. Also, anything involving vampires terrifies me because you become powerless when they get inside your mind, so they just don’t kill you, you become complicit in your own demise.

As a kid I saw the Blob on TV after school on The 4:30 Movie (anyone? anyone?) during Monster Week and I nominate it as “Monster most likely to make me afraid to get my hair washed at the salon.”
By Scott-O-Rama, March 7, 2008 @ 10:19 am

As someone who hates spiders, Arachnophobia had me squirming in my seat the entire movie. I *still* have nightmares about that one.
By Dave S., March 7, 2008 @ 10:47 am

Live spiders don’t bother me. Dead spiders (inexplicably) give me the heebie-jeebies bigtime.
By Craig, March 7, 2008 @ 10:50 am

Dave S – Odd!
By Mike Lawson, March 7, 2008 @ 11:02 am

I hate monster movies…hate. Hate. I’m a pussy and I get all nervous watching them.

And I agree wholeheartedly with Jaws being the all-time scariest monster. What was so freighting about it was that it was border-line possible. It was a common fear to be unable to swim at the beach after watching that movie.

Good post.
By Howard, March 7, 2008 @ 11:20 am

I will still argue that the scariest movie is “Glitter”. Tee-hee.

I’m surprised you turned The Host off early. I thought it was one of the most beautiful endings to a “monster” movie ever. And so not Hollywood.

Thanks for the tip on Night Of The Lepus. I definitely need to go out and finding that one.
By sue, March 7, 2008 @ 11:27 am

1. Jaws is a great movie. It never scared me because it’s more than a monster movie.
2. I worked in a library for 10 years, which is how I know that I can’t even look at the cover of Jurassic Park without having a nightmare. It took me years to get up the courage to watch the movie, and I liked it. And of course had a nightmare. I woke up and thought “How the hell did that T-Rex get in my upstairs hallway?”.
3. Is Mothra the friend of children everywhere? I can never remember which was which.
4. You forgot an entire subset of monster films: the Sci Fi Channel original movies. A monster is required, of course, but also a cynical hero and an underdressed heroine. It doesn’t matter if everyone else is dressed in camo and that it takes place in a swamp or jungle, the babe is wearing a low cut sleeveless something (even if she has a PhD or something and is a smart scientist) and she never gets so much as a mosquito bite. My favorite Sci Fi original movie is Pteradactyl. The expedition spends the movie getting carried off by pteradactyls, and never never never figures out that maybe they should stick to the treeline instead of walking across a wide open meadow.
5. I know that technically it’s not a “monster” movie, but I thought I was going to to into labor during “Poltergeist”. I am pretty wimpy if something is more than a little scary.
6. Come back soon. Wear argyle if you think of it.
By Craig, March 7, 2008 @ 11:43 am

Sue – Were you pregnant when you saw Poltergeist, or is the movie even scarier than I imagined?
By FDot, March 7, 2008 @ 11:48 am

I completely agree with The Host–it was one of the few monsters I was sad to see die at the end.

Black Sheep was a cool little film, got too silly toward the end, but who wouldn’t love scenes of marauding sheep?

Aww….no love here for the Gremlins?
By Jere, March 7, 2008 @ 12:03 pm

I’ve always loved the classic monsters done in sorta comic ways… Young Frankenstein, Teen Wolf, Teen Witch… but the best one might have to be the original Blacula. I’d give it the Best Monster That Becomes Porn award.

And the award for Best Monster Movie Where I Had Sex With My Date Instead of Watching goes to Nosferatu.
By Coty, March 7, 2008 @ 1:57 pm

Actually, the episode of Star Trek was “Blink of an Eye” from season 6 of Star Trek: Voyager.
By Chris, March 7, 2008 @ 1:59 pm

I’ve only seen Jurassic Park of those you listed. I’m not a big monster movie fan, but the scariest movie for me was the Blair Witch Project. I suppose that doesn’t count b/c the monster in that movie was their own mind? the empty basement? the camera?

Great post!
By Nate Reed, March 7, 2008 @ 3:45 pm

NIMROD!
By Suburban Kamikaze, March 7, 2008 @ 4:49 pm

What, no big spiders?
By Jake, March 7, 2008 @ 5:35 pm

Jaws scared me so much when I was little. True, I’m only 18 so I must have been 10 and younger when I saw it and this stuff would’ve scared any 10 year old.

And Jurrasic Park, to this day, is still one of my favorite movies.

And hello, Craig’s cousin!
By Thomas B., March 7, 2008 @ 6:57 pm

Thanks a lot Michelle, with this post I finally decided to watch Jaws ; I’d never seen it, can you believe that ? Well, I must agree with your review, despite the lack of modern special effects, it did scare the shit out of me till the end !
By Brett, March 7, 2008 @ 10:53 pm

You forgot about Elizabeth Berkley in Showgirls. Now that’s a monster movie.
By Jason, March 8, 2008 @ 12:48 am

I don’t so much get into monster movies, but I love your coverage! I am also enjoying the comments about those real life monsters that people are posting!
By Dustin, March 8, 2008 @ 12:50 am

Someone beat me to the “Glitter” joke

Scariest Monster That Wasn’t A Monster: The Fog in the ORIGINAL movie. Not that sad remake.

Scariest Monster That Haunted My Nightmare As A Child: The doll from Trilogy of Terror.
By Siegfried, March 8, 2008 @ 10:41 am

Completely agree with #8 on Aliens. That immortal line when she says “Get away from her you BITCH!” is priceless.
By Craig, March 8, 2008 @ 12:21 pm

Siegfried – I liked when Mrs. Weasley said it too
By Michelle, March 9, 2008 @ 3:58 am

Thanks so much to everyone for their kind and funny comments. To answer quick ones; I agree that Feast, Slither and Gremlins were all great. I forgot Snakes on a Plane too, another of my faves.

I’d have to do another whole post on vampire or ghost or dragon movies. Glitter ,Showgirls and anything out of the president’s mouth is just too horrifying for me though.

I had an epiphony one day when I reached down to squish a spider, suddenly I felt like the big scarry monter, so now I take them outside. But that still won’t get me to watch Arachnophobia a second time (shudder!).

Mom is the genius family geek member who remembered the original Star Trek episode Wink of an Eye and that is the one I meant. Voyager must have been inspired by it. Could swear there was a TNG too..

Thanks again everyone and thanks most of all to my brilliant, wildly talented cousin Craig for asking me. It’s an honor to be on such a witty site. I’d love to do another one sometime.
By Ella, March 10, 2008 @ 11:09 pm

What I want to see is a Puntabulous guide to women in red dresses, I remember once upon a time thinking it was a Matrix thing, but now they appear to be everywhere
By Flu-Bird, September 19, 2009 @ 3:40 pm

Theres a movie called THE BOOGANS these creature live under this old ghost town where a group of teens are spending this weekend these monsters unfasten this floor vent and grab somebodies little doggie. last year they made a movie FLU-BIRDS its about some troubled teens being stalked by these mutant man eating birds spreading this sickness, then theres one DANCE OF THE DAWARVES about these lizard creatures in SOUTH AMERICA