GUEST POST: The Monster Awards

Everyone remembers my cousin Michelle right? She’s the one that kicked my butt in the “Which is the best Muppet?” debate. Well I asked her to do a guest post for me, and she was kind enough to oblige! Enjoy!

After enjoying Cloverfield so much, it got me thinking about other great monster movies. There are plenty more but I’ll confine myself to the ones that most easily come to mind. If I were to give awards it would go something like this. By the way, Cloverfield would probably get most dizzying yet effective.

#1) Scariest ‘monster’ movie: Jaws
Not really much to say since the movie speaks so well for itself. It still holds up after all these years even though they didn’t have the technical FX that we have today. This was one that scared me to the bone and thrilled me to no end. I was definitely afraid of that shark and loved the characters so much that I still cheer at the end, despite being such an animal lover.

#2) Coolest monster that I didn’t want to die: The Host
Okay, so it’s also the ugliest monster if you look close enough at it, but I still love it. In the opening scene it comes barreling down the pier, and gives you a look at the entire monster right away, breaking every tradition of hiding the monster. I’d say this movie is the antithesis of Jaws. Both because it was at its best when it showed the monster and because I did NOT want the monster to die. So what if it ate all those people and terrorized children? We made it after all and it just wanted to survive. My only problem with this movie therefore is the end. Like King Kong, I turn off the DVD for the last 10 minutes.

#3) Movie from my childhood: Godzilla vs. Mothra
Every Sunday morning while I was growing up they would show a Godzilla movie at noon. There were only so many of them so even though there was no such thing as video, I saw it a gajillion times. Of course the FX are extremely outdated now but I still have a soft spot for this one. The horrendous dubbing didn’t even bother me at the time, considering that Sesame Street and The Muppets were my other TV mainstay. Godzilla was a monster that was (most of the time) okay to cheer for, he was in fact the good guy saving Japan from many other monsters. No worry here about Godzilla dying, he will in fact be back to save the day again. Runner up: Godzilla vs. The Smog Monster.

#4) Movie that should have been lame but was actually good: Primeval
What you say? A movie about a giant crocodile is actually good? Yup. Unlike Lake Placid (which I also enjoyed) this movie takes itself and it’s croc seriously, with surprisingly good effect. There are many obvious tributes to Jaws throughout which are very scary, though the barrels have been replaced by a GPS locater. Dominic Purcell proves that he can actually act outside of Prison Break. Orlando Jones is great as the sidekick. The movie also has a second bad guy, a human called little Gustave who is responsible for more carnage than even big Gustave. And without being preachy, Primeval does manage to pose the question who is really worse, the human monster or the crocodile? I found myself terrified of the crocodile and at the same time rooted for him, especially at the end.

#5) Best TV series that was supposed to be a movie: Surface
Without any question, this is far and away the best made for TV monster movie of all time, containing a scene which made me jump and scream so much I had to rewind it and watch it over and over. This time the tributes are to both Jaws and ET, since the creators are both Spielberg fans. It has a cute baby creature that I absolutely fell in love with, and the large (let’s just say a bigger boat won’t help here!) scary adult creatures. The mystery surrounding the creatures is extremely intriguing. I’m still angry that the show was canceled. However, the makers knew ahead of time that the show was going to be canceled so they were able to come to some kind of creepy resolution.

#6 & #7) Most cute, adorable and deadly: TIE: Night of the Lepus and Black Sheep
The people that thought up these movies are seriously twisted and I adore them for it. Black Sheep although extremely bloody is definitely meant to be funny. It lets us see a world where the overwhelming flocks of sheep that New Zealand is known for, turn on the caretaker humans (a la The Birds). These sheep are MAAAAD! It contains many laugh out loud moments including: Our heroes make their way in the dark, hear a BAAAAA! and scream as if they’ve seen the shark from Jaws; A sheep attacking the driver of the truck in a fight that rivals Indy’s in Raiders of the Lost Ark. The only thing that I didn’t like was the were-sheep storyline. I prefer my sheep pure.

Night of the Lepus (’72) on the other hand was made in the ’50’s tradition where radiation induced giant creatures (think Them!) ruled and was meant to be serious. The trailer and poster for the movie tried to keep the monsters a secret but the fact that they are cute and furry giant killer bunny rabbits is what makes this movie such a bizarre delight. The blood and fur don’t fly quite as much as in Black Sheep but those bunnies do have a nasty bite. It’s a B-movie by all means yet the scene of the giant bunnies coming over the hill to destroy the town is something wonderful to behold.

#8) Best Game of Hide and Seek with a Monster: Alien and Aliens
Aliens - they’re here, they’re there, they’re everywhere! Most memorably and disgustingly ‘hiding’ inside John Hurt’s chest, the Aliens are the best at Hide and Seek. The first one is often compared to a haunted house in space because you really don’t want to know what’s around the corner. You would think something that big and ugly would be impossible to hide but nooooo! They were just as sneaky in the sequel, secreting themselves in the hive like caves. And remember those nimble little face-huggers tormenting Ripley and Newt when they were trapped? But the real prize goes the Queen Alien who was able to hide on the escaping ship for a last game of hide and seek with Newt before one of the greatest fights (Womano et Alieno) in movie history.

#9) The “What the Hell is it?” award goes to the smoke monster in Lost.
Okay, so Lost isn’t really a monster TV show like Surface but it does contain what has to be one of the most original and perplexing monsters ever. First, it made itself known with a loud roar and crashing trees. It also killed the pilot by violently throwing him into tree trunks. To add to the mysterious nature, we also learn that it can project flashes of a person’s life to them. When Locke first encounters it, he says that he’s looked into the heart of the island and that it’s “beautiful”. The next time however, it not only scares him, it tries to drag him into a hole. When we finally get a look at it, it turns out to be long moving column of black smoke, which begs the question how can smoke physically drag a person and pummel them to death? It makes loud clinking chain like noises. Russo said that it was the Island’s security system (Ceberbus or Cynothoglys?). And now that we’ve learned that (possibly) time on the Island passes at different speed than the real world (think Star Trek: “Wink of an Eye”), maybe smokey exists in yet another speed? Whew. Apologies if you have no idea what I’m talking about. I love this show and will be so sorry when it ends.

#10) Monster so real it made me cry: T-Rex in Jurassic Park
Mom likes to tell people that I could name all the dinosaurs when I was only two. Needless to say I was super excited to see Jurassic Park, and although I enjoyed the beginning, I have to say I was disappointed at our first glimpses. The baby Velociraptor and Triceratops seemed too puppet-like and the Brachiosaurus seemed too computer generated. Then came the T-Rex. Real tears streamed down my face because this one was utterly, completely there. He could have squashed the car, eaten the kids, whatever. All that mattered was that for the first time I felt like I was actually seeing a real live dinosaur. If I ever met Stan Winston and his genius team, I wouldn’t know how to thank him for making me believe. Yes, Michelle, there really is a dinosaur.

What are some of your favorite movie monsters? What monster awards would you give out?