Mar
14
This is the story about when I got my first hickey. This romantic tragic story takes place at the Long Island Game Farm, which looks a bit like this:
So apparently “Game Farm” is a fancy word for “Crappy Petting Zoo”. I don’t know why they would even call it a “Game Farm”. There are no games like this to be had:
Seriously, if I landed on Box 87, I would flip over the table and run from the room screaming. And you would so not be allowed to play with my Power Rangers anymore.
Now I know you’re probably thinking that I was approximately this many years old when I got my first hickey:
But in reality I was approximately this many years old:
Except I’m not a lesbian.
Now don’t worry! This isn’t a story about how some random creepy dude took me to a secluded area in a petting zoo and gave me a hickey when I was 4 years old. That is a much scarier story that doesn’t exist. And besides, if this were a scary story, I would have wet my pants by now.
The situation started off a bit like this, with me being completely adorable as usual:
But then one of the pigs put its snout on my arm and inhaled like some sort of crazy vacuum cleaner and the situation started to look like this:
Excuse me while I blow your mind: “If a pig’s snout is so much like a vacuum cleaner, why are pig pens so dirty?”
Back to the story: People think pigs are cute and innocent like this:
But they are really evil and ugly like this and force themselves upon lady pigs and four year old human children:
And their surprisingly powerful snouts work like this:
Which answers the question: “If pigs had superpowers would they use them for good or for evil?” Because this pig’s super suction snout was most definitely used for evil.
So my arm was stuck to its snout for what seemed like:
But in reality the whole situation was probably over in a matter of:
And even though my first romantic experience was incredibly short (even shorter than they are now!) when the pig let go, I had something on my arm that looked remarkably like this:
And as I’m sure you can imagine, I was just as tough then as I am now, so the whole experience made me look like this:
And while I call this “The Story of My First Hickey” it should really be called “The Story of Why I Love This:”
And when I become a rich and famous children’s book author, this will be the wacky story I tell on all the talk shows I go on. But then again, rich and famous authors aren’t really brought on that many talk shows because people don’t recognize their faces, and TV is all about ratings, and if people don’t recognize your face in the previews for said talk show, they probably won’t watch. And if there’s nothing else on TV, they’ll probably just read a book instead. Maybe even the one that you wrote. Oh the irony.
March 14th, 2008 at 4:41 am
Just lie to Oprah’s face. Then you’ll be famous.
March 14th, 2008 at 5:31 am
I take it, then, that you that you weren’t a big fan of Charlotte’s Web.
March 14th, 2008 at 6:04 am
At long last, the epic of the Puntabulous Porcine Puckerer. You made me wait too long.
And on top of that, a great moral to the story: Velma’s feet are far too small to let her play Chutes and Ladders while kissing bacon.
Or was it simply “Don’t inhale.”…?
March 14th, 2008 at 6:44 am
Funny you should mention hickeys, because this past weekend…
March 14th, 2008 at 6:45 am
Wait a second. “First hickey” implies that others followed. I think I’d like to hear those stories.
March 14th, 2008 at 6:54 am
Hilarious!
March 14th, 2008 at 8:52 am
So are we gonna see SuperPig, with his Super Snout Suction in an upcoming episode of Super Viagra? As the villain, of course!
And honest to God, when you wrote “If a pig’s snout is so much like a vacuum cleaner, why are pig pens so dirty?”, I thought it read “pig penis so dirty”.
Bad Polt! Bad.
HUGS…
March 14th, 2008 at 9:04 am
This I’ve never had happen to me. I did once have a duck clamp down on one of my fingers and refuse to let go, but I’ve never been snogged by an amorous pig.
March 14th, 2008 at 9:40 am
My first hickey came at the hands of an Atari joystick. Hmmm…um. Well, the rubber part that covered the actual stick. Okay, this is not really being explained well. Anyway, I though it would be funny to stick that part to my forehead…not realizing that it would leave a mark. Yep, hickey in the middle of my forehead.
March 14th, 2008 at 9:46 am
Oh Craig, you have outdone yourself yet again. HILARIOUS. Although, I’m sure the pig hickey was a very traumatic experience and not so hilarious at the time. But you certainly made my morning, so bravo!
March 14th, 2008 at 10:09 am
Damn funny this is! And I would recognize you! And even watch too, even though I already know what story you’re going to tell.
March 14th, 2008 at 11:00 am
So it’s true, homosexuality is a lot like bestiality. All those Republican assholes were right! Craig, I’m ashamed of you. Stop looking at the gerbils like that.
March 14th, 2008 at 12:30 pm
Sorry David, this is the only exciting hickey story I have. My second and last hickey came from my friend Emily in college when I told her I never got a real one. It was strictly business.
March 14th, 2008 at 1:03 pm
hey craig if you love bacon that much here’s a recipe you must try http://thepioneerwomancooks.com/2007/12/flashback_1981_-_holiday_bacon_appetizers.html
Mmm it’s full of such bacon-y greasiness so much that my pork eating sister refused to be in the same room when I ate them.
March 14th, 2008 at 1:05 pm
Wow that didn’t make sense. I meant non-pork eating sister: there that’s a lot more rationable. Also, you can bake the crackers at 350F for 40 minutes if you don’t have the 2 hours it takes to cook it, like I do.
March 14th, 2008 at 1:06 pm
Rolling!! That is hysterical!
We know how evil pigs are, that’s why I love when hubs relieves them of their misery and then we can bring them home and a)cook them underground hawaiian style b) roast them on the spit or c) make homemade sausage and stuff out of them. YUM.
SOOO glad you didn’t have the scary dirty many story, I got skurred for you for a minute
March 14th, 2008 at 2:23 pm
Isn’t your famous children’s author name going to be C.A. MeAnally?
I mean C.A. McAnally
March 14th, 2008 at 2:58 pm
Damn, sweetie! That’s the best blog photo essay I’ve seen in… well ever.
Loved it!
March 14th, 2008 at 3:10 pm
Man, I found your site a few weeks ago and you are hilarious! I still think “The Story About When I Woke Up in Speonk” is the best post ever, but this one was a close second.
March 14th, 2008 at 4:25 pm
Classy dame that I am, I will avoid all the hickey-related items and just ask you when you are planning on publishing? Because well-written children’s books are God’s true gift to mankind, and I am always on the hunt for new authors. I assume you will be illustrating as well?
March 14th, 2008 at 5:03 pm
Reminds me of when I was in High School and worked on a pig farm. No, we didn’t execute them just raised them until they were old enough to go on “vacation”. But anyway, if you’ve never reached elbow deep in a sow and pulled out a baby pig, i’d be more than happy to describe the experience.
March 14th, 2008 at 6:18 pm
Hi, sorry I haven’t been on here much lately.What a cute story! Noticed you changed everything on your blog looks good..also noticed you took off my blog name (boo hooo hoo)guess I don’t cut it huh? oh well..cute story anyway.
March 14th, 2008 at 7:58 pm
that was a terrific funny story. although the photo essay made is spectacular! loved it!
i need to learn how to do stuff like that for my less than a week old blog. hell, i am lucky i can get the damn post up. thanks for giving me something to strive for!!
March 15th, 2008 at 3:46 pm
Hey Sue, thanks for keeping it classy!
I’ll publish it just as soon as I’m done writing it. You can see a bit of it HERE.
March 15th, 2008 at 5:06 pm
A children’s book about elves should do well, and I liked what I read. But… my elf world-view (as an adult) is shaped by my favorite author, Terry Pratchett. Terry’s book “Lords and Ladies” is rooted in the darker folklore about elves. I recommend it, although maybe this book would not be your best introduction to Discworld. Look up Lords and Ladies on Wikipedia for a synopsis.
March 15th, 2008 at 11:46 pm
I happened to watch the movie Hogfather, based on Terry Pratchett’s novel ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hogfather ) this past Christmas. I really enjoyed the movie. I had become very skeptical of the concept of faith, as espoused by most “revealed religions”. Yet, I enjoyed Pratchett’s exploration of belief. He suggests that children’s belief in fairy tales conditions them to believe in justice and other noble notions that don’t always seem concrete later in life. If enough people believe in something it can become a kind of reality. The movie expanded my thinking a bit. I totally want to read more of his Discworld series!
March 16th, 2008 at 3:18 pm
Sounds like the pig got the short end of the stick.
March 16th, 2008 at 7:52 pm
Oops, I got my elves and my fairies mixed up again, just like I do with Tolkien. Lords and Ladies is about evil fairies, not evil elves. But I still recommend the Discworld novels to anyone, even though I recognize that they’re not for everyone. You won’t know until you try. What a dense, interesting world the Disc is, and Pratchett uses the Discworld to make fun of everything. My favorite book is “Guards! Guards!”. Plus, if any of you read Neil Gaiman, you might know that Pratchett and Gaiman collaborated years ago on a book called “Good Omens”.