Mar
21
Sorry I don’t have time for a regular post today. This is a repost from last year. Enjoy!
Well folks! Easter is almost upon us! It’s that time of year when we commemorate the death and resurrection of Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. “How does the Bible say we should honor him?” you ask. With bunnies of course!
But just like God, the Easter Bunny is quick to anger, and we must fear him, so that he will not punish us with plagues, locusts, evil horsemen, or black jelly beans.
Here is a list of things you should not do that piss the Easter Bunny off:
1) It pisses the Easter Bunny off when he is not taken seriously as an actor. Charlize Theron, Nicole Kidman, and Halle Berry all won Oscars when they made themselves “ugly” for their roles. What did the Easter Bunny get? An Oscar? A Golden Globe, at least?!
No fucking way! All he got was a bit part in a crappy movie about teen angst.
2) NO, HE DOES NOT LAY THE EGGS, SO STOP ASKING!!!!
3) Also, his name is not Peter Cottontail, and he wants no fucking part of your bunny trail. He’ll hippity hop all over your ass, and then slap a bitch.
4) Do not try and trick him with carrots. He is smarter than you.
5) He hates that he is considered a commercial invention to promote Easter sales. If you need examples of his Biblical roots, look no further!
Moses parts the Red Sea… or did he?
The Bunnies of Sodom and Gomorrah:
At the crucifixion:
If you fail to observe any of the above rules, you are taking your life into your own hands. Don’t come crying to me when you have crappy candy in your Easter baskets.
YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!
March 21st, 2008 at 9:50 am
Donnie Darko’s not crappy!
March 21st, 2008 at 9:54 am
Oh it most certainly is.
March 21st, 2008 at 10:52 am
Black jelly beans–definitely the most evil revenge.
March 21st, 2008 at 11:19 am
As Anya from Buffy the Vampire Slayer would say … “Bunnies arnt just cute like everyone supposes” dumdiddydumdum!
as for me im a jewskimo, and mostly just enjoy the large amounts of pastel colored chocolates that are so cheap at this time of year!
March 21st, 2008 at 11:34 am
How did a rabbit even become a symbol of Easter? I can think of other animals that would do a better job.
And yes, Donnie Darko was a stupid movie. It didn’t work as well as the director thought it did.
March 21st, 2008 at 11:53 am
If I had know previous to this that the Easter Bunny would “slap a bitch” I probably would have built an altar to him in my closet.
March 21st, 2008 at 1:22 pm
What it really boils down to his need for a new PR agent. Let’s face it, the Easter Bunny has had it rough lately, with the consumerist society condemning him to have to deal with copyright infringement with “Reester Bunnies” and his likeness being used for everything from M&M’s and Palmer’s 6 oz. Peter Cottontail hollow milk chocolate bunny (a travesty of petiteness) to PEZ dispensers and the “pink nightmare” of ‘A Christmas Story’.
He needs a new image. One that kicks ass, takes names, and hides fanciful decorated eggs for children. An Easter Bunny ressurrection, if you will.
He needs a first-person shooter video game. He needs Hot Topic merchandise. He needs a song on the next Guitar Hero. He needs an 18+ membership-only website.
In essence: He needs a scandal.
March 21st, 2008 at 1:31 pm
You don’t like Donnie Darko? Wtf?!?! Donnie Darko is a great movie and worthy of debate.
March 21st, 2008 at 1:57 pm
Another Jew here.
I actually know that the bunny was incorporated into the Easter holiday mythos to encourage German pagans to give up their fertility festival of Oester by folding it into the Christian holiday. Oester celebrations involved rolling an egg over the crop fields in hopes of a better harvest, and the rabbits, well, you know how fertile they are.
I’ve never gotten an Easter basket because my ancestors capped Jesus’ ass.
March 22nd, 2008 at 4:38 am
Craig, how can you describe anything with Jake Gyllenhaal in it as “crappy”?
It makes me sad
xx
March 22nd, 2008 at 12:47 pm
Adding the bunny in the biblical scenes was pretty cute.
When I was young, my mother got me and my three siblings to go to sleep the night before Easter by telling us that if the Easter Bunny came and we were still awake, he would poke our eyes out with carrots.
March 22nd, 2008 at 1:39 pm
I love that movie. It’s the “Pi” of the new generation.