Puntabulous

Welcome to another edition of Puntabulous Guest Debates! Today I welcome Dave who runs the blog Life on the C-bus. It’s blog that’s dedicated to the advancement of the local music scene in Columbus, Ohio. Today we’ll tackle a topic that has plagued me since my first elementary school gym class.

TODAY’S TOPIC: TO WORK OUT, OR NOT TO WORK OUT? THAT IS THE QUESTION!

Dave: I’m a gym rat. I’ll admit it. I head to the gym for an hour every day (sometimes twice if I’m feeling particularly manic). I push the iron, pull the cable, and crunch those abs. But word has it that a certain poor, frail writer of the Puntabulous feels that working out just isn’t where it’s at. But I beg to differ. And we’re not talking bodybuilding — men grunting with their ‘roid-ravaged, testicularly diminished bodies, popping veins, and metaphorically screaming for attention — we’re talking working out. Pumping iron. Getting fit. Looking good on the beach. Reason #1: Mental health. Not only do most studies point to the positive mental health benefits of exercising, but there’s another aspect that affects it even more that needs to be strongly considered: Having the strength to open that end-of-the-day Budweiser as effortlessly — and quickly — as possible.

Craig: Oh no! You poor bastard! You’ve admitted your fatal flaw, and it was only your opening statement! How tragic! I mean, Budweiser?! Do we even need to continue this debate? Obviously Budweiser drinkers are lacking in the brainular area, so it’s clear that you make terrible choices in all aspects of your life. Your choice to work out is no different. You say that working out is good for your mental health, but what about your brain health? Instead of working out, don’t you think your time would be better spent reading a book? Taking a class? Watching a documentary? I know that’s the kind of stuff I like to do right before opening up a bottle of Yuengling. Who cares if I have to use a bottle opener?

Dave: ::sigh:: Craig, Craig, Craig. Are you not aware that Dancing with the Stars isn’t a documentary, learning how to play Mario Party isn’t really a class, and that Star Wars novel you’re reading is only a book in the sense that it has a cover, some form of written text, and more than 20 pages? Yeah…sounds like you’re brain’s working overtime there. And the fact that all of these activities require you to be sitting still completely lacks any irony whatsoever. Leading the droll, untoned existence that is clearly your life would need a Yuengling or two. Or three. Or five. I’ll be sure to alert the Flat Butt Society of America that you’re considering membership. I, on the other hand, actually have the energy to get my well-shaped butt off the couch and do something, like taking a walk, coaching soccer, or hitting the mosh pit at a rock concert. You, however, would likely have a tough time surviving the mosh pit of a Neil Diamond show.

Craig: Oh yes, let me center my life around surviving a mosh pit. By all means, moshing ability is the keystone of all that is good and wonderful in our lives. And what’s so good about having a nice butt? There is no evolutionary advantage to having junk in your trunk; it’s strictly aesthetic. It’s like someone approaching you in a bar and say: “Hey baby, nice appendix!” Those people are morons. And I don’t know about you, but I try and surround myself with people who aren’t superficial enough to care about the roundness of my booty. Me and my friends have better things to do than compare butt prints at the beach. Besides, when I go down (LOL!) in a plane crash, who do you think people are going to eat first? A skeleton draped delicately in pale meatless skin? Or the hunky slab of man beef who would go awesome in a honey-glazed Jack Daniels sauce. That’s what I thought. I’ll have mine medium-rare please.

Dave: I’ll take the fact that you want to eat me as a compliment. But all innuendo aside, let’s get back to our argument. Do you realize that due to tighter FDA regulations and closer congressional scrutiny towards CIA and FBI operations, Inadvertent Atomic Human Structural Alterations affecting strength have decreased by a whopping 87% since 1969? And Mutagenic Unnatural Selection in the U.S. has decreased by 79% in the past decade alone? Not to state the obvious, but this means that no self-respecting modern superhero can maintain his muscular status without working out. There’s a reason why Doctor Octopus is a villain and not a superhero — he simply decided that working out was “too hard.” And without a cut body — or spontaneous muscular regeneration — he fell into hero ruin and found that the only way he could get page time was to become an evil nemesis. And that’s gotta be a blow to your self esteem. And even if you don’t have superpowers, if you have muscle tone you can can still be a superhero. Hell, Dick Grayson faked it for decades.

Craig: I’m pretty sure half those words you just used aren’t real. Besides, you’re not the only person who can make up words and statistics. Did you know that the 1978 study of Human Lazification Gobledeegook proved that people who work out are unhappy and will die 17 times sooner than people who don’t work out? And if working meant getting bitten by a radioactive spider, having millions of dollars at your disposal, or coming from a different planet, by all means I would have started working out years ago! But in the real world, working out requires a lot of just that: work. It’s not fun. People who say that working out is fun are either kidding themselves or haven’t lived their life in my shoes; the shoes of a man who can work out all he wants and still be stuck in this lanky body. People who like working out only like it because genetics gave them a head start. There, I said it. The secret is out! People who like working out are faking it. Their only job is to maintain the body that genetics gave them; a much easier job than building muscle from scratch.

Dave: You want to talk lanky? How about 5′11″ and 127 pounds? That was me before working out. I had friends who had lap dogs that weighed more than me. Talk about starting from scratch. (And the Human Lazification Gobledeegook study was published in 1979, not ‘78 — it would help your case more if you’d get your made-up facts straight.) And it’s truly amazing — what with all your “brainular activity” — that you actually put together the idea that working out is indeed actually work. And I wholeheartedly agree with you. But work is a good thing! I built a 25-foot deck on our house — didn’t know how to do it, just got a bunch of books out of the library and got started. It was a hell of a lot of work. But, damn was it cool to see the finished product and that I did it myself. How rewarding is that? Working out is the same way. And what’s the alternative? Sloth. Yeah. You wanna turn into that ugly thing? Be featured on Animal Planet’s “Earth’s Laziest Mammals LIVE” now playing at 1pm, 3pm, and 5pm at a Paramount Park near you? Just remember to get manicured before trying to get into a club. That is, if you can find the energy to peel yourself off that couch.

Craig: Wow that’s great. You built a deck. Can we get back to our debate about working out please? Because building a deck is great and all, and I would love to build a deck someday, but you know what I don’t want to do someday? Build a deck, then go work out. Because the way I see it, life is too much working out as it is. Run around like a lunatic getting ready for work in the morning. Burned 407 calories! Sweat like a maniac as your drive to the train station, hoping not to miss your train. Burned 549 calories! Run around your office building like a crazy person begging people to do their work so you can do your work. Burned 625 calories! Doing all that bending to kiss your boss’s ass. Burned 75,914 calories! I’d have to eat a whole Thanksgiving dinner, and a few baby Native Americans just to gain back all those calories I burned off! The thought of going to the gym and burning off even more calories seems unnecessary, unhealthy, and ungodly!

Dave: You burned 75,914 calories kissing your boss’s ass? I think that’s what’s ungodly. If you’d work out, get all buff, then he’d be scrambling to get to your ass. And I’m sure that would burn far less calories. Not to mention saving your dignity. And the cost of a therapist. Okay, time to haul out the big guns. Let’s start by quoting David Stensel, author and senior lecturer at the School of Sport and Exercise at the UK’s Loughborough University: “The health benefits from minor fitness improvements are staggering.” Staggering. Not simply “notable” or “important,” but staggering. And a 17-year study of 30,000 men recently published in the International Journal of Cancer (the disease, not the astrological sign) showed that exercising just once a week lowered the risk of developing advanced prostate cancer by 36%. And exercising more lowered the risk even further. I don’t know about you, but I like my prostate. We go to movies together. We hang out all the time. It would be sad to be apart.

Craig: Well I’m glad you and your prostate are such good friends. Do you guys hold hands too? Be sure to wash them afterwards. I on the other hand like to have real people friends. You know, those people who are people and not compound tubuloalveolar exocrine glands? But you probably don’t have real friends because you’re either at the gym, or talking about going to the gym. As a man who is vehemently against working out, I’ve noticed that twinkle in people’s eyes when you ask them what their plans are for the evening or weekend and they say they’re going to the gym. It’s a twinkle that says: “I’m going to work out because I’m better than you. What are you going to do? Go to the bar with friends? Watch TV? Go to the park with family? Ugh, how disgusting of you. Don’t you know about your blah-bitty-blah prostate?” That twinkle isn’t a good twinkle. It turns people off and makes you look conceited. That’s why no one likes you. But hey, at least you have your prostate, right?

Dave: That hurts, Craig. That really hurts. That “twinkle,” as you call it, isn’t conceit, it’s a tear in my eye as I think of your life being cut short due to your lack of concern for personal well-being. You’re a friend and the thought of a Craigless world would be too much to bear. Hold on, excuse me for a second ::sniff-sniff:: ::achooo!:: Oh, wait, my mistake, those teary eyes are just a cold. But one that I’ll get over in a day or so due to exercise purging my system much quicker than your’s can. (And prostates don’t have hands, by the way. Is that another example of your “brainular activity”? Just asking, because, y’know, I’m sure it’s really helping your argument.) But let’s get to my final point to this debate and one that you just might not be able to surmount: Does this look like a 40-year-old body to you?

Craig: Yes, yes, we’re all very impressed. Bravo. I’m not questioning the outcome, I’m questioning the means. Is the amount of time and energy put into working out worth it? Okay, so let’s say working out does increase your life expectancy. What happens if you get hit by a car and die? (Knock on wood!) In that split second before you start sprinting down the dark tunnel with the light at the end of it, slapping the hands of all your dead relatives along the way, as if you just got picked to be a contestant on The Price is Right, aren’t you going to think to yourself: “I wish I didn’t spend so much time at the gym!”? There are literally millions of better things to do with your time than working out. And look at your first statement: “I’m a gym rat.” Don’t you think if working out was good, you would have said something like: “I’m a gym stallion”? I think rat sums it up perfectly.

So who do you guys think won? Try not to let Dave’s abs affect your judgment!

Be sure to head over to Dave’s blog: Life on the C-bus!

Think you could do better? Send me an e-mail with a topic you’d like to debate with me! If you’ve previously sent me a topic, and I never got back to you, or if we haven’t started the debating process yet, send me a reminder! I’m very forgetful! For more Puntabulous Debates CLICK HERE!