Monthly Archives: April 2008

PENCILS

Today we’re going to talk about the wild and exciting world of pencils! Wait! No! Come back! I promise I’ll make it amusing. Did you know that the word pencil comes from the Latin word “pencillus” which means “little tail”? Like, what the fuck? And did you know I got duped into taking Latin in college because it was called “Medieval Studies 101″ but then in itty bitty (which is approximately 15% smaller than teeny weeny) fine print it said “also see: Latin 101″ and on the first day of class all ready to learn about Knights and Wizards and Catapults, the professor was like: “To truly appreciate Medieval culture, you must first understand the marvelous language of Latin.” and I was like: “Say what?”

So anyway, the first pencils were used in Rome and were thin lead sticks. It wasn’t until the 1600′s when a huge graphite deposit was found in England that people started making pencils using graphite instead of lead. Since graphite is a lot softer than lead, it needed to be wrapped in something to keep it together, so it was usually wrapped in string or sheepskin to keep it from falling apart. This is the point of the post where I was going to say that they also make condoms out of sheepskin and warn you that while they do prevent pregnancy, they don’t prevent transmission of sexually transmitted diseases, but then I looked it up and it turns out that sheepskin condoms are made out of lamb intestines. Apparently lamb intestines aren’t sexy, and would ruin all marketing opportunities. Evidently the phrase “sheepskin” is orgasmic. Bah, Bah, Black Sheep indeed.

An Italian couple named Simonio and Lyndiana Bernacotti are credited with inventing the first wood encased pencil, used primarily for their carpentry business. Originally the wood was hollowed out and the graphite was inserted, but it didn’t take long for people to realize it was easier to cut the wood in half, and then glue it back together to encase the graphite, which is the same method used to this day. The wood-encased pencil spread throughout Europe, being manufactured primarily in England and Germany. Due to the Napoleonic wars in the early 1800′s, imports of graphite and pencils to France were ceased because no one liked them. This amuses me because I bet Napoleon had a very little tail, if you know what I mean. So France had to manufacture their own pencils by stretching their comparatively smaller supply of graphite by adding clay.

The primary wood used in pencil manufacturing is called Incense-Cedar, and is used because it is relatively soft, allowing it to be sharpened without splintering, and has a pretty smell (and who doesn’t love a fine smelling wood?). The tradition of pencils being painted yellow was started in 1890 by the Austro-Hungarian company L & C Hardtmuth Company and is thought to be inspired by the Austro-Hungarian flag which is simply yellow and black. Supposedly these pencils were of the highest quality, so other pencil companies painted their pencils yellow in the hopes of being associated with the high quality of the L & C pencils. And as they say: imitation is the highest form of plagiarism.

NOW TELL ME SOMETHING I DON’T KNOW.

THE DODO BIRD

People often call me a “dodo” and I’m like: “What does that mean?” So I look it up, and apparently “dodo” stems from the Portuguese word “doido”, which means “crazy”. And then I’m like: “That’s not very nice!” So to make myself feel better, I look up other translations, and I learn that the word “dodo” also stems from the Dutch word “dodaers”, which means “fat ass”. And then I go back to my cubicle and cry and cry and cry. Or they could just be referring to the bird of that name, which is often pigeonholed as being stupid. So either way, I lose.

The dodo is was a bird native to the island Mauritius in the Indian Ocean. The island was first visited by the Portuguese (who didn’t settle there) in the early 1500′s and then by the Dutch (who did settle there) in the late 1500′s. Oh yeah, the island was also visited by Arabs and Malays as early as the 900′s, but they’re not white enough, so history just pats them on the head and says “good job”. So that’s why we don’t know if the word “dodo” stems from the Portuguese word for “crazy” or the Dutch word for “fat ass”. Either way, the dodo is going to have some severe inadequacy issues to deal with. Oh, maybe that’s why people call me a “dodo”?

The dodo is was a flightless bird who’s lineage stems from that of the modern pigeon, which is a flightfull bird, generally in the direction of my head. Did anyone else know that dodos were a meter tall and weighed up to 50 pounds? Liar. That’s a lot bigger than I pictured in my head. Not that I picture dodos in my head when I should be working, and not crying.

Dodos, like most animals evolving in isolated areas, don’t didn’t have an innate fear of humans, so when humans came to the island, the dodos were all like: “Hey guys! Let’s get this party started!” and the humans were like: “Sure thing! There’s only one catch: you’re the party!” And when hungry white guys are coming at you with machetes, you finally start to envy your flightfull kin even though they have to live in New York City, which is uber-expensive and the subways always uber-suck.

Dodos are commonly used as an example of extinct species because their demise occurred during recorded human history and is attributed to human activity. Even if the humans didn’t kill them all, the pigs, dogs, and other animals that they brought along with them certainly didn’t help. For many years the dodo was regarded as being extremely stupid. This was the human’s way of saying: “We didn’t kill the dodos! They were so stupid! They practically killed themselves!” Because sometimes we need to lie to ourselves to make us feel better. After all, if shiploads of humans unloaded on an island full of adorable kitty cats instead, people might be calling me “pussy” instead of “dodo”.

Oh wait.

NOW TELL ME SOMETHING I DON’T KNOW.