Apr
28
My Fellow Americans,
I come to you not as a super famous blogger with dozens of readers around the world. I come to you as just an average man, with an average dream. A dream that I have kept hidden deep within my soul. Why is it so hard for me to have an average dream? Isn’t this America? The land of the free and the home of the brave? We Americans are free to pick so many things in our lives: the neighborhoods we live in (sorta), the schools we go to (maybe), and our president (not really). But what is the one thing we can’t pick?
Our noses.
I don’t say “we can’t pick our noses” because I think we shouldn’t pick our noses. Nay! I say “we can’t pick our noses” because I mourn the fact that we can’t pick our noses. Yes I know, picking your nose is right up there with wearing white after Labor Day, teachers giving homework over Christmas break, and farting in the library. But why? What’s grosser? Sitting across from someone with a booger in their nose while you’re trying to eat your cobb salad? Or walking passed someone discretely picking their nose in the privacy of their own office? I’m going to assume you all shouted “A!” And I’m going to be like: “How did you know the choices were A and B, and not 1 and 2?” And you’ll be like: “What?” And I’ll be like: “Huh?” And then there’ll be awkward silence for a while.
But seriously. Say I’m driving on my way to a date. What? Oh, okay, fine. Suspend your disbelief for a moment. Ready? Good. Say I’m driving on my way to a date. I feel a booger. You can’t possibly show up to a date with a booger, can you? Absolutely not. So being the good driver that I am, I wait until I get to a red light to pick it. Why should I feel self-conscious picking my own damn nose in my own damn car? Why should I worry about the car in front of me looking in their rear view mirror and seeing me dig for gold? It’s not like I’ll ever see them again. But society makes me fear getting caught taking care of business! Why?
Now I know what you’re thinking. “Picking your nose is gross and childish!” Why? What is so childish about it? We all have boogers. Picking your nose isn’t like farting. It’s not intruding upon your sense of smell. Or taste. Unless you eat my boogers, which if you are, shouldn’t we be focusing on your disgustingness and not mine? That’s what I thought. Oh and blowing your nose doesn’t help get rid of boogers, so how about we dispel that rumor here and now.
I don’t come to you with this plea because our awesome receptionist at work walked passed my office and caught me picking my nose. And not because she walked passed, then backwards walked back to my door and exclaimed “Busted!” which is pretty awesome because seriously, who has the balls to do that? I come to you because I want to live in a world where we shouldn’t be ashamed of the dried mucus built up in my our noses. It’s a natural process! Like clipping your fingernails or hating Amy Winehouse. So how about we don’t hide it anymore? How about we pick our noses proudly and without shame? Because I swear by the light of Saint Godwin, if you think we should hide our bodies natural processes, you’re no better than the Nazis.
Thank you.
April 28th, 2008 at 6:20 am
Good speach. It’s about time someone did something about the shame surrounding nasal relief.
April 28th, 2008 at 6:49 am
Hear hear! Semi-public extraction of dried and/or gelatinous nasal mucus should not be a stigma.
Though your argument lacks visual references.
Dave S.
April 28th, 2008 at 7:15 am
I have people who do that for me.
April 28th, 2008 at 7:28 am
3 things:
Your receptionist is *awesome*.
Tears Dry On Their Own is a good song (but Winehouse is a whack job).
I support your right to pick freely, but sometimes the things I’ve pulled out frighten even me and are best kept to the privacy of the bathroom or at least home (allergies suck).
April 28th, 2008 at 8:23 am
Well my AP Bio teacher told us that the reason we shouldn’t do that is because by picking your nose, you are pulling out nose hair and boogers, taking away the body’s natural defenses…
Like boogers are there so that crap doesn’t fly into your nose and kill you apparently.
April 28th, 2008 at 9:38 am
Uh, so even though you were busted, how’d the date go?
April 28th, 2008 at 10:26 am
I was picking my nose during that whole speech. I’m so glad my office door is locked.
April 28th, 2008 at 10:57 am
It really shouldn’t be stigmatized. This behavior is not only beneficial, but a common relief mechanism for our species.
April 28th, 2008 at 11:14 am
I think this is the first time I’ve ever been glad there’s been no photos in one of your posts.
And I wish i had a receptionist like that. I wish I had a receptionist, period. BUt that’s another issue altogether…
HUGS…
April 28th, 2008 at 12:01 pm
My mother taught me that picking your nose was FINE..if you do it with a tissue!!
April 28th, 2008 at 12:03 pm
Well, as my grandma says: you can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can’t eat your friends.
April 28th, 2008 at 12:14 pm
Nicky: Obviously your AP Bio teacher is a Nazi. I assume she hates Starbuck also?
BeRightBack: I love you.
April 28th, 2008 at 12:33 pm
Kudos on the best use of Godwin’s law I’ve seen in weeks. We should start a nose-picker’s support group, and maybe a PFONP (Parents and Family of Nose-Pickers).
April 28th, 2008 at 1:03 pm
I was also raised by the school of tissue nose-picking.
I was with you all the way until you jumped the shark with the Nazi reference.
What’s green and gets shot down over Germany? Snotzis!
April 28th, 2008 at 1:08 pm
A) I find it more disgusting to have to listen to someone empty their nasal buildup into a tissue. Like a fart, that’s intruding on my senses.
B) There are a lot of people out there that like to watch people in their cars at intersections. Please, feel free to entertain us.
April 28th, 2008 at 2:27 pm
Craig - Hmm… I don’t know if he hates Starbuck, but he does love House! We spent a lot of time talking about how great and realisic the show is.
Derek - watching cars at intersections is seriously a great hobby of mine (and I don’t find lack of entertainment in that activity a lot of the time)
April 28th, 2008 at 2:41 pm
your receptionist is awesome
April 28th, 2008 at 2:51 pm
I actually thought watching people in other cars on intersections was an exclusively Icelandic thing, but now I see I was wrong.
-Kári
PS. Your receptionist is quite fab indeed.
April 28th, 2008 at 3:58 pm
Bah. You’re going to let ’society’ dictate what you can and cannot do? Where would it ever end then? If you have nasal blockage and manual removal is the only means available or necessary then have at it.
April 29th, 2008 at 9:55 am
BeRightBack:….I think it would actually depend on how close you were to your friend, if you could eat them or not.
HUGS….
May 4th, 2008 at 12:00 pm
Sorry. I got stuck on the date line.