Puntabulous

Netflix #27 – Ghost World – Suggested by GoKitty

I really enjoyed this one. I liked it better in the beginning while the two main characters played by Thora Birch (from American Beauty) and Scarlett Johansson (from your wet dreams) were just wandering through life making random observations and judgments about the world around them.

But as the movie progressed I was disappointed to see the two characters drift apart. I understand why it had to happen. Hell, I’ve lived it happening. But it just caused the movie to lose it’s snap and sass. I was still able to enjoy it though, and overall I thought it was a good movie.

Netflix #28 – Kinky Boots – Suggested by Steven

What a cute movie! It wasn’t particularly great, but it was fun and cute. Plus it had one of my favorite Joseph Campbell archetypes: the wise drag queen. They’re like the wizards of the 21st century, or any character played by Morgan Freeman. Just like another great drag queen movie To Wong Foo Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar, the drag queen goes to a small town and saves the day.

The movie itself was pretty cliche and lacked the originality of To Wong Foo and I thought of a few things I would have done differently, but I knew going in that I was going to eat a warm gooey brownie, not fillet mignon. Another awesome drag queen movie? The Birdcage. A drag queen movie I haven’t seen? Priscilla: Queen of the Desert. I know, I’m a bad person.

The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian

First off, I absolutely love the first movie, The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe. So I was all prepared to immediately fall in love with Prince Caspian. Plus it helped that Prince Caspian was my favorite of the 7 books, right up there with The Silver Chair. (Why do people say that The Voyage of the Dawn Treader is the best book?) But did I fall madly in love with it as I expected? Sadly, no. It just didn’t have the same magic that encompassed the first movie. I think a large part of it had to do with the vast increase in human characters in Narnia. A lot of the movie was spent with the Mediterranean-seeming Telmarines, which made it seem more like a historical drama rather than a fun and whimsical adventure. But the battle scenes this time around were incredible, and I loved seeing Susan and Edmund getting equal battle time rather than staying on the sidelines and letting Peter have all the fun. Oh, and the mice were awesome. So did I love it? Yes. But it’s kinda like the Star Wars prequels. I loved it against my better judgment, just because I’m so attached to the universe.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

Oh what a joy it was to see Indiana Jones on the big screen again! The action! The music! The nostalgia! Yes, it was a bit over the top at times. Vine Swinging? Aw yeah! But I totally fell for it. Besides, everytime the action went over the top, you could tell that they knew they were going over the top so you could still enjoy it without being taken out of the movie. The action and humor were right up there with The Last Crusade, which I consider to be the best Indiana Jones. Towards the end, the movie could have used a bit more telling rather than showing (if you’ve seen it, you know exactly what I’m talking about), but its Indiana Jones, so how can it not still be awesome?

Keep your recommendations coming!

I was going to write a post titled The Puntabulous Guide to Craigs in Science Fiction but I ran into a little problem: I couldn’t find any. I need your superior knowledge and reseach skills to find me some characters named Craig in science fiction movies and television shows. Go, my pretties! Leave no stone unturned!

As you all know, I’m a huge sucker for Jewel. So needless to say I’m super excited about her new album Perfectly Clear coming out on June 2nd. She decided to go all country for this album which I think is really exciting. Here she is performing the first single “Stronger Woman” live at the Grand Ole Opry:

Wormholes are common and frequently bring unsuspecting citizens of the 21st century into the 31st century. That’s why I’m here. Your friendly neighborhood guide to the future. My goal is to help you understand and be able to fit in with the futuristic society of the future.

Today’s Edition: Marriage in the Future!

In your time, marriage was a sacred institution between and a man and a woman. The definition of marriage was the following:

marriage: the social institution under which a man and woman establish their decision to live as husband and wife by legal commitments, religious ceremonies, etc.

In the year 2401 when gay marriage was legalized, the institution of marriage started down a path of disintegration that would never be the same again. The definition of marriage became the following:

marriage: the social institution under which two people establish their decision to live as husband and wife or husband and husband or wife and wife or girly husband and butch husband or femme wife and diesel wife or anything inbetween and anything inbetween by legal commitments, religious ceremonies, pagan ritual sacrifices, etc.

After the gays came the polygamists in the landmark case McElroy v. The State of Utah of 2478. The polygamists fought their case impeccably. Not only was it found unconstitutional to prohibit willful adults from entering into a marriage of three or more persons, but by this point in history a two income family was no longer able to sustain a household, hence marriages of three or more were encouraged. The definition of marriage became the following:

marriage: the social institution under which two or more slightly willing people establish their decision to live as any combination of husbands and wives regardless of how creepy or gay any of the members may appear by legal commitments, religious ceremonies, pagan ritual sacrifices, etc.

Next came the zoophiles in the case Forberg v. The State of Wyoming of 2503. Activist judges deemed it unconstitutional to prevent a man or woman from entering into a marriage with a person or animal. Rather than changing the definition of marriage again, the definition of people was changed to the following:

people: any organism capable of making sweet, sweet love, regardless of how unsanitary it may appear to the untrained eye.

You should have seen the celebratory parade that went through Cheyenne, Wyoming as thousands of zoophiles trotted with their loved ones to apply for their marriage licenses. It was magical! The singing — oh the singing! — was so joyous:

Old MacDonald had a farm,
E-I-E-I-O!
And on this farm he had a spouse,
E-I-E-I-O!
With a neigh neigh here,
Or a baa baa there,
Here an oink, there an oink,
Everywhere a wife wife!

What a disappointment it was when the animals didn’t have social security numbers or the ability to sign their names, making applying for marriage licenses impossible.

Finally came the pedophiles, however no case was ever brought to trial because everyone who tried was shot dead outside the courthouse. Apparently people don’t like pedophiles. Interesting.

By the year 3000 the institution of marriage was no longer in place solely for the reproduction of children. After nearly a 1,000 years of shooting men and women incapable of reproducing out of a canon into the sun, the sun became unstable, nearly forming a supernova, and it was decided that for the benefit of mankind, unfruitful men and women would remain on Earth where they would still serve some sort of purpose to society, like, as seesaw partners for fat kids or something.

In this more civilized time, the true meaning of marriage became evident: Love. We live a large portion of our lives searching for love, and until we find it, it’s like we’re searching for a piece of ourselves. Marriage is an institution in which we can celebrate this love. Now would be a good time to tell you that the definition of love was changed to the following:

love: the state of being where you are able to have sex with someone and still want to have breakfast with them the next morning, rather than just saying so the night before in order to get laid.

Go forth citizen of the future! Find love!

Teach Me Something Tuesdays will be back next week. Today I will show you some vacation pictures! As you know me, Robin, and Jenn went to Providence, Rhode Island for Memorial Day weekend.

They must have known we were coming.

Our first day in Providence can be summed up with the phrase: “Which hotel did we book ourselves at again?” So here is Robin figuring out that very question.

Here I am posing for a “candid” shot while Robin figures out where we’re staying. We both have our uses! Robin figures stuff out. Craig looks pretty.

And Jenn is the sensible one. Just not in this picture.

Here I am walking down the river that runs through Providence.

And what do you know! Aaron ended up meeting us there the next day!

The gang is all together! This was on Saturday night, when Providence held the Water-Fire event.

They lit over 100 fires down the middle of the river and played music and it was really pretty.

Here’s Robin and Jenn.

Me, Aaron, and Jenn. I’m not sure what emotions we’re all trying to convey, but I’m pretty sure they’re all different.

And I had lots of fun taking nighttime pictures with my new camera.

Lots of fun.

The next day we spent in Newport, Rhode Island.

Here I am as the kids say: “maxin and relaxin”. Wait, the kids don’t say that? Oh.

Here’s Robin breaking all the rules.

Here’s Jenn playing with a monkey.

We walked the trail to the top of some cliff by the beach. Here I am up top (LOL: top).

Here I am after I took some magic potion and towered over all the tiny mortals.

We found this tree that Aaron thought would be fun to climb. Here he is trying get up.

Then Robin tried.

Then Jenn tried.

Then Robin tried again.

And here they are. These pictures don’t really show the amount of energy it took to get on that damn tree.

Then we asked a passerby to take a picture of the four of us. But we didn’t want him to have to wait 20 minutes for me to make my way up there so I just stood there.

The End.

I’ll be in Providence, Rhode Island for the long weekend with Robin and Jenn.

Check out our previous vacations HERE and HERE. Unfortunately Aaron isn’t able to make it this weekend, but we’re planning a longer trip for later in the summer and the whole gang will be there!

This is the story of an awesome guy. You know the guy I’m talking about. He’s ridiculously good looking, and loves animals, and always votes, even for those stupid non-November elections that people hardly remember.

The guy who was captain of their high school football team. He was quarterback and still managed to score like 20 homeruns during every game. It’s like that Bugs Bunny cartoon where he plays all the positions, he’s just that awesome. Wait, am I mixing up my sports again?

If that weren’t enough, he was also an honors student. And he’s the kind of guy that everyone likes because they’re also really nice and humble. And at graduation everyone cheers really loudly when their name is announced.

And people like me are right behind them in the alphabet so it’s even more noticeable when no one cheers for me and all you hear is the clack clack clack of my dress shoes as I cross the stage. And I’m already self-conscious about my dress shoes because they sound like high heels when I walk and the whole not cheering thing makes it even worse.

And afterwards my sister tries to make me feel better by saying that Captain Awesome’s applause was so big that it almost sounded like people were clapping for me also, but it was only because of the slight overlap in name calling. At the time it makes me feel better but now that I think of it “There were plenty of people cheering for you, you just didn’t hear them from all the way on stage.” would have worked better.

Anyway, back to this awesome guy. He goes on to marry his equally awesome high school sweetheart. Did I mention that they were Prom King and Queen?

Of course they were. Don’t you just hate them?

He went to one of those fancy colleges that looks like a castle and has a cool mascot like a Dragon, Tiger, or Ninja, while I went to a state school that still has the same 1970’s furniture since it was built and our mascot was a Bearcat. Seriously, what’s a Bearcat?

So they got married when his girlfriend got pregnant because he was all noble like that and dropped out of college so they could get married and he could get a job and support them. And of course she was one of those annoying pregnant women that hardly gains any weight and still manages to do yoga and shit.

After the baby is born they form this perfect little family. And most nights when the baby cries he’s all like “Don’t worry honey, I’ll take care of the baby, you took care of him all day while I was off working for the man.” And you just want to puke.

And he’s ridiculously good at taking care of the baby in the middle of the night. Like that “Baby Mine” scene from Dumbo, which may or may not make me cry.

And then in the morning he’s off to work. He hates his job. He says his boss is evil. But it pays well and the important thing is being able to take care of his family. Did I forget to tell you that he’s a stormtrooper?

Oh, I’m sorry. Does that change your opinion of him? Because it shouldn’t. He’s still an upstanding guy. He always purposely missed shooting the rebels because he was secretly rooting for them. He’s not sure if that’s the same reason why his coworkers never hit them at ridiculously close range either. He would have joined the rebellion but he needed the health benefits to take care of his family.

Then one day as he was silently cheering on the rebels while aiming at the wall behind them, he was shot by some chick with cinnamon buns on her head and fell down a deep chasm that served no logical purpose.

Amazingly he survived, because he’s even awesome at falling down deep chasms that serve no logical purpose. Is there nothing he can’t do?

As he laid there paralyzed, all he could think about was his family. About how much he loved his wife and son. And how he didn’t want his son to grow up in a galaxy full of daddy issues without a father. He struggled for days to gather the strength to pull himself to the nearby escape hatch. Hunger, thirst, and pain nearly overtook him, but the love of his family kept him alive. Just as his fingers grasped the controls to the escape hatch:

The End.

I took this picture yesterday after a particularly long and craptastic day. I was going to write a post detailing how miserable I was feeling, but opted to drink beer and browse youtube instead (hence the post below). Plus I figured I’d be feeling better today because I have the attention span of a flea and I never stay sad for very long, so if I posted a post about how miserable I was feeling, it wouldn’t make any sense because by the time you saw it, I would be feeling better, which I am. But I never pass up an opportunity to post a picture of myself and my philtrum is looking quite prominent, so here it is.

Okay, I realize about 1% of you will think this is cool, but here is a video of Megan Mullally (I know!) singing my favorite Decemberists song ever: I Was Meant for the Stage:

The lyrics can be a bit hard to decipher in her version, so here is the original version set to a video of some guy displaying 20 years worth of concert tickets. It’s pretty cool, there’s some great names in there.

LASERS

Today I’m going to talk about LASERs. Why am I writing LASERs like that? Because LASER is an acronym for “Light Amplification by Stimulated Emission of Radiation”. So writing “Lasers” is just plain silly because “Light amplification by stimulated emission of radiations” makes no sense. The first working LASER was made in 1960 by Theodore H. Maiman who was working at the Hughes Research Laboratories in Malibu, California, which is the best thing to come out of Malibu since Hannah Montana. Wait, you mean Hannah Montana came after the laser? And she posed for Vanity Fair like that? Oh my. Has someone informed the media of this?

To understand how a LASER works, you just need to follow the words of the acronym. A Light that is intensely Amplified is created when atoms are Stimulated and Emit photons, which is a form of Radiation. Wait, you still have no idea how a LASER works. I have failed. But I’m willing to accept that fact because LASERs are like, totally complicated and I can only do so much in the time alloted to me (there’s also that little fact that I don’t really understand them myself). How about this:

When the LASER was invented, it was referred to as “a solution looking for a problem” because they were like “Yay! We did it! Now what do we do with it?” Today, LASERs have a wide range of uses including guiding viewers’ eyes during a presentation, shining them in peoples’ eyes in crowded high school hallways, and picking actors’ noses at movie theaters. They also have useful uses. Now that I think of it, can a use be unuseful? Is that like an oxymoron or something? What? “Unuseful” isn’t a word? I guess that means nothing can be deemed unuseful. Sounds like Nicolas Cage still gets to make movies.

The idea for LASERs-as-weapons stems all the way back to the Greek god Zeus and his lightning bolts. There is also the legend that the Greek mathematician Archimedes created a mirror with an adjustable focus length that could be used to focus sunlight and set fire to invading ships. That’s kinda like a laser gun right? The laser gun as we know it today gained popularity in H.G. Wells’ The War of the Worlds which was published in 1898. It will still be a while before I can own my very own laser gun because the energy supply needed to power one is too large to be feasible. One of these days Nic. One of these days.

NOW TELL ME SOMETHING I DON’T KNOW.