Puntabulous

Puntabulous Guide to Surviving the Future

Wormholes are common and frequently bring unsuspecting citizens of the 21st century into the 31st century. That’s why I’m here. Your friendly neighborhood guide to the future. My goal is to help you understand and be able to fit in with the futuristic society of the future.

Today’s Edition: The Politics of Tomorrow!

In the year 2297, human civilization reached a crossroads. We could either continue fighting with each other, or reach a peaceful resolution. Since no one remembered why started fighting in the first place, we decided to make nice with each other. We lived in glorious peace for centuries. That is until the Culcari (Praise be with Them) invasion of 2681. Since humanity had stopped fighting wars with each other, our civilization completely forgot how to defend ourselves. It was an easy victory for the Culcari (Honor Them with your sacrifices). Looking back, world peace was probably the worst thing that happened to us. If you ever happen to make it back to the past, be sure to punch someone of a different religion, just to keep things going.

Now in the year 3000, humanity is ruled by our Culcari Overlords (May the blood of Their enemies fill the streets) who rule from their orbiting spaceships. It is not the will of our Culcari Overlords (A pox upon the house of anyone who wishes Them harm) to impose their values upon humanity. While they rule with a just and iron fist, it pleases them to leave humanity’s values and laws in place. These values and laws may have changed since your time, so let us quickly review the most basic principles of human law.

Voting: Since it is rightly assumed that you agree with the wisdom of our Culcari Overlords (May Their teeth never know dullness) voting is no longer necessary.

Universal Language: When humanity (hereby known as “the infidels”) attained world peace in 2297 and a single united government was formed, it was decided that English would be made the official language of Earth. Not because everyone agreed that English is a superior language, but because Americans wouldn’t have it any other way.

Gay Marriage: It was a warm Spring day in 2401 when God came down to the infidels and declared that he approved of Gay Marriage, and that his name is Bob. Since opponents of Gay Marriage couldn’t use God as an excuse any longer, they admitted that the real reason they opposed Gay Marriage is because gay sex is icky. Luckily that reason didn’t hold up as well in court.

Abortion: Abortion ceased being an issue of contention when human evolution took the next logical step and women developed stinging vagina tentacles making sex completely impossible except for the most masochistic men and lesbos.

Gun Control: When the infidels reached world peace, all guns and weapons of mass destruction were incinerated and there was never any violence ever again. LOL! Just kidding. Without guns, criminals started using crossbows, axes, swords, catapults, spears, fists, stakes, maces, machetes, rapiers, and throwing stars. While still destructive, these weapons were useless against Culcari (Let the laserburns on our backs be a reminder that They truly love us) armament.

Corporal Punishment: If there is one thing that our Culcari Overlords (May Their children be birthed through the painful, deadly, and highly illogical process of bursting through the chests of infidels) have taught us, it is that the life of an infidel is meaningless. If one of these infidels is guilty of a crime, they are killed immediately. Unless of course that crime is something that pleases the Culcari (May They ravage our women while we are forced to watch and comment on Their massive junk), such as some sort of booby trap involving a banana peel, glue, and tortilla chips. Our Culcari Overlords (To know Them is to know the face of Bob) love slapstick.

There we have it. Go forth, you tiny insignificant infidel!

THE YEAR 3000 | Craig | May 12, 2008 5:18 am

21 Comments

By Andy McEntee, May 12, 2008 @ 5:38 am

Wait, are you saying that women don’t already have stinging vagina tentacles? Good to know. I’m gonna have to go out and find some bitches tonight. Thanks Craig.
By Dave S., May 12, 2008 @ 6:12 am

The Culcari (May Their eyes shine favorably upon us as they delve with knife and fork) sure are swell!

Excuse me for a moment — I have to go kick a Buddhist.

Or maybe Oprah.
By Brett, May 12, 2008 @ 7:44 am

Is this an excerpt from your children’s book?
By Craig, May 12, 2008 @ 7:50 am

Andy: Have fun! Spread your seed!

Dave S: That was a good one! I was having a hard time thinking of more of those damn things, I’m impressed!

Brett: LOL. No, I’ll let parents teach their children about stinging vagina tentacles. This is another book I’m working on though.
By Dave S., May 12, 2008 @ 8:04 am

Always here to impress you, Craig.

Perhaps in more ways than one.
By David, May 12, 2008 @ 10:12 am

What? Still no acceptance of Esperanto? How dark the future looks.
By Polt, May 12, 2008 @ 11:02 am

Hmm, I was expecting Evil Bunny to be involved in this somehow…….

HUGS…
By Ray Ray, May 12, 2008 @ 11:29 am

Awesome!
By David, May 12, 2008 @ 12:01 pm

Hopefully the eyes of the Culcari (May they never thirst, even in the desert of a thousand suns) are not offended by argyle!
By Craig, May 12, 2008 @ 12:05 pm

Can I just say that I love that people are commenting with more Culcari asides. Keep them coming!
By Nicky, May 12, 2008 @ 12:07 pm

Haha. Gay sex being icky IS why people are against gay marriage.

And speaking of your book (in earlier comments), haven’t you been on page 6 for a while?
*kick in the pants*
By FDot, May 12, 2008 @ 12:30 pm

Suprisingly, the 31st Century doesn’t sound all that much different from the 21st.

As to the Culcari Overlords (may Their Supreme Glory be reflected in our eyes that They have not yet gouged out), what is Their stance on Global Warming?
By Jere, May 12, 2008 @ 12:56 pm

Taxes: Even after world peace, the masses were divided about how to decide upon a fair tax system. The partisan debate may have eventually ended world peace had the Repub… er, Culcari Overlords (May their females–upon whom no infidel dare lay eyes–grow ever more radiant with the cloned cleavage of Jessica Alba) not arrived with their simple and just flat tax system of one virgin female, one cow, and one hillbilly with “a medically interesting” anus per village per year.
By Craig, May 12, 2008 @ 1:20 pm

Global Warming was created by the Culcari (May the heads of infidels be added to Their trophy rooms commemorating the other species of the universe that They have obliterated) in order to make the Earth habitat more suitable to their needs.
By Bill Chapman, May 12, 2008 @ 1:30 pm

Why would English be the universal language? I am not sure that English is as widespread or useful as people claim. I would like to argue the case for Esperanto as the international language.
It is a planned language which belongs to no one country or group of states.

Take a look at http://www.esperanto.net

Esperanto works! I’ve used it in speech and writing in a dozen countries over recent years.
Indeed, the language has some remarkable practical benefits. Personally, I’ve made friends around the world through Esperanto that I would never have been able to communicate with otherwise. And then there’s the Pasporta Servo , which provides free lodging and local information to Esperanto-speaking travellers in over 90 countries. In the past year I have had guided tours of Berlin and Milan in the planned language. I have discussed philosophy with a Slovene poet, humour on television with a Bulgarian TV producer. I’ve discussed what life was like in East Berlin before the wall came down, how to cook perfect spaghetti, the advantages and disadvantages of monarchy, and so on. I recommend it, not just as an ideal but as a very practical way to overcome language barriers.
By Craig, May 12, 2008 @ 1:35 pm

Bill: That’s really interesting. I never heard of it before you and David brought it up. I’ll definitely look into it.

As for saying that English would be the official language, I was just saying that because we Americans love English, and the idea of learning another language frightens us. Unless you’re under the age of 10.
By sue, May 12, 2008 @ 5:39 pm

Straight sex is icky too. Sex in general was created because the Gods have a wicked, nasty and above all messy sense of humor. And by Gods don’t even get me started on the ridiculous night of drinking among the Gods that must have been responsible for the creation of Aunt Flo.
By Dave S., May 12, 2008 @ 6:12 pm

Sex is icky only after. Before and during, it’s great and seems to make perfect sense. It’s only afterwards that you’re like, “Hm. That was weird.”

Kinda like Esperanto.
By Meee, May 12, 2008 @ 6:30 pm

Okay, that is no fair. Only gay people get to have sex? What’s up with that? I don’t want stinging tentacles or is it just a test to find a truly worthy man? Well, that might work, but I still think this is some kind of gay revenge plot to make sex icky for me. And besides, we have gay marriage in Canada so anyone north of that parallel should be exempt in some way.
By john, May 12, 2008 @ 6:37 pm

Craig: what ever you had for breakfast or dinner, you need to share.

Fdot’s comment about the Culcari Overlords (may the planets burst like soap bubbles in their awesome and terrible wake) made me laugh out loud.

Dave S.: You funny man.
By Crazy Lady in Vegas, May 12, 2008 @ 7:31 pm

All hail Bob!