Puntabulous

The Story of an Awesome Guy

This is the story of an awesome guy. You know the guy I’m talking about. He’s ridiculously good looking, and loves animals, and always votes, even for those stupid non-November elections that people hardly remember.

The guy who was captain of their high school football team. He was quarterback and still managed to score like 20 homeruns during every game. It’s like that Bugs Bunny cartoon where he plays all the positions, he’s just that awesome. Wait, am I mixing up my sports again?

If that weren’t enough, he was also an honors student. And he’s the kind of guy that everyone likes because they’re also really nice and humble. And at graduation everyone cheers really loudly when their name is announced.

And people like me are right behind them in the alphabet so it’s even more noticeable when no one cheers for me and all you hear is the clack clack clack of my dress shoes as I cross the stage. And I’m already self-conscious about my dress shoes because they sound like high heels when I walk and the whole not cheering thing makes it even worse.

And afterwards my sister tries to make me feel better by saying that Captain Awesome’s applause was so big that it almost sounded like people were clapping for me also, but it was only because of the slight overlap in name calling. At the time it makes me feel better but now that I think of it “There were plenty of people cheering for you, you just didn’t hear them from all the way on stage.” would have worked better.

Anyway, back to this awesome guy. He goes on to marry his equally awesome high school sweetheart. Did I mention that they were Prom King and Queen?

Of course they were. Don’t you just hate them?

He went to one of those fancy colleges that looks like a castle and has a cool mascot like a Dragon, Tiger, or Ninja, while I went to a state school that still has the same 1970′s furniture since it was built and our mascot was a Bearcat. Seriously, what’s a Bearcat?

So they got married when his girlfriend got pregnant because he was all noble like that and dropped out of college so they could get married and he could get a job and support them. And of course she was one of those annoying pregnant women that hardly gains any weight and still manages to do yoga and shit.

After the baby is born they form this perfect little family. And most nights when the baby cries he’s all like “Don’t worry honey, I’ll take care of the baby, you took care of him all day while I was off working for the man.” And you just want to puke.

And he’s ridiculously good at taking care of the baby in the middle of the night. Like that “Baby Mine” scene from Dumbo, which may or may not make me cry.

And then in the morning he’s off to work. He hates his job. He says his boss is evil. But it pays well and the important thing is being able to take care of his family. Did I forget to tell you that he’s a stormtrooper?

Oh, I’m sorry. Does that change your opinion of him? Because it shouldn’t. He’s still an upstanding guy. He always purposely missed shooting the rebels because he was secretly rooting for them. He’s not sure if that’s the same reason why his coworkers never hit them at ridiculously close range either. He would have joined the rebellion but he needed the health benefits to take care of his family.

Then one day as he was silently cheering on the rebels while aiming at the wall behind them, he was shot by some chick with cinnamon buns on her head and fell down a deep chasm that served no logical purpose.

Amazingly he survived, because he’s even awesome at falling down deep chasms that serve no logical purpose. Is there nothing he can’t do?

As he laid there paralyzed, all he could think about was his family. About how much he loved his wife and son. And how he didn’t want his son to grow up in a galaxy full of daddy issues without a father. He struggled for days to gather the strength to pull himself to the nearby escape hatch. Hunger, thirst, and pain nearly overtook him, but the love of his family kept him alive. Just as his fingers grasped the controls to the escape hatch:

The End.

STORIES | Craig | May 22, 2008 5:20 am

33 Comments

By Howard, May 22, 2008 @ 6:58 am

Oh, you just made my roundup. Hi-freakin-larious.
By David, May 22, 2008 @ 8:24 am

You need help.
By Avitable, May 22, 2008 @ 8:35 am

That was awesome! I saw where it was going once he became a stormtrooper, but that didn’t affect the awesome hilarity.
By Dave S., May 22, 2008 @ 8:43 am

I find it amazing that written history so often leaves out the important figures, rendering the historical narrative less relevant and therefore creating an artificial disconnect between the distant past and the present. I, as well as the many Puntabulous readers, appreciate the time and effort you’ve shown in delving deep into the annals of of this important time and showing us that we too need to see the significance of those that have fallen before us into inexplicable deep chasms.

(Damn, I *so* needed a good laugh this morning. Absolutely awesome.)
By polt, May 22, 2008 @ 9:18 am

Ya know, I often wondered what exactly the story was behind that Stormtrooper Leia shot. Thanks for clearing that up.

HUGS…
By FDot, May 22, 2008 @ 10:11 am

This story is a perfect illustration of why good is dumb.
By ryan, May 22, 2008 @ 10:16 am

did anyone else notice the outline of Brad’s schlong in those jeans?
By Derek, May 22, 2008 @ 10:46 am

Well awesome guy has one of those stupid, tiny, noise, fluffy dogs that irritates everyone. So he isn’t completely awesome.
By BeRightBack, May 22, 2008 @ 10:54 am

This is really beautiful, Craig.
By Amy @ Milk Breath & Margaritas, May 22, 2008 @ 11:29 am

Well, this was sort of depressing. You are fascinating Craig.
By Nick, May 22, 2008 @ 12:04 pm

Hmmm…Craig, is this why you only have 6 pages of your book written?

j/k babe
By Jere, May 22, 2008 @ 12:15 pm

I HATED that guy. He may have been awesome to everyone else, but to me he was the guy who totally ignored me and sometimes even made fun of me. I’m glad he was blowed up. I hope his whore wife becomes an alcoholic and his kid is a raging flamer by the time he’s 16 so that the ghost of stormtrooper awesome has to acknowledge how surface appearances are no substitute for being a genuine good person.
By Craig, May 22, 2008 @ 12:15 pm

I love the wide range of emotions this post is receiving from beautiful to depressing. It’s exactly what I was going for!

Yes, even an outline of Brad Pitt’s schlong just to top (LOL: “top”) things off.

And yes, it’s crap like this that keeps me from writing my book. Oh well. This is more fun anyway.
By Ok, Where Was I?, May 22, 2008 @ 12:45 pm

This is hilarious. Freakin’ hilarious. I so saw the “clack, clack, clack” as a scene in a movie. The Craig movie.
By justin, May 22, 2008 @ 4:30 pm

definitely awesome Craig. I have no idea what was going to happen next, each pane had me riveted to my seat with suspense.

At first I thought you got a boyfriend and was jealous.
Then I thought you might have had some issues with the story’s main character.
Then you might have had sister issues.
Then baby-rearing issues.
Then there was storm troopers and it was awesome.
By David D., May 22, 2008 @ 5:19 pm

It was all like that scene in Dumbo, which may or may not make me cry. I cried.
By Summer, May 22, 2008 @ 6:00 pm

I cried during that scene in Dumbo. My son just graduated from that same state school. Oh and loved your story.
By KÃ¡ri, May 22, 2008 @ 6:43 pm

I still have cramps in my abdomen.
By Îž_Heather, May 22, 2008 @ 7:37 pm

I want to say that I’m sorry you’re not able to write your children’s book because you have to keep writing posts like this on a daily basis just to appease the Masses but, well, I’m not.
By Nicky, May 22, 2008 @ 7:51 pm

That guy in the first pic is pretty cute.
By BOSSY, May 22, 2008 @ 8:59 pm

Bossy can’t concentrate on her previously intended comment: someone mentioned Brad Pitt’s schlong.
By atari_age, May 23, 2008 @ 1:33 am

(muted trumpet) WAH-waaaaaaaah

Oh lordy, that was good. It exemplifies… well I don’t know what exactly. Don’t be a schlub? Shit happens? The good die young?

Actually, the obvious one is the simplest, most literal, and least contemplative: Don’t work in the Death Star. OSHA really would have a conniption fit with that work environment. I mean, as if the no railings on the laser platform (h/t Robot Chicken) wasn’t enough to stress the point.
By Jami, May 23, 2008 @ 11:05 am

(Pssst … Howard sent me.)

You have done well, my young padawan.

The Brad schlong I can understand (although it might just be a wrinkle in his jeans) but what’s up with Angie’s old-lady hands?
By JT, May 23, 2008 @ 2:52 pm

I thought that guy just got fat and went bald. That’s what happened to them in my high school.
By atari_age, May 23, 2008 @ 4:00 pm

But, JT, isn’t this more satisfying?
By Lambira, May 24, 2008 @ 7:05 am

Hee.. didn’t see the stormtrooper thing coming. I have one of those superterrific guys that wound up my boss, and I wanted to hate him because he was so perfect, but damn if he didn’t win me over with his Captain Awesomeness.

Nice place ya got here. I shall return…
By Suburban Kamikaze, May 24, 2008 @ 7:37 am

I laughed. I cried. I totally missed the Brad Pitt outline. That’s how transported I was…

SK
By crunchy carpets, May 25, 2008 @ 5:30 pm

Like all the guys who worked for the Bond villians…did they REALLY believe in the plan for world domination or did the guy just offer GREAT benefits and a hot pension plan?
By Jason, May 26, 2008 @ 6:19 pm

I think everyone who reads your blog is wayyyy smarter than me. Who IS this awesome guy? I’m so confused………
By Christine, May 27, 2008 @ 7:34 pm

I totally missed Pitt’s pee-pee the first time ’round, I was so enamored with your brilliance.
By Reality Chick, August 4, 2008 @ 6:48 pm

Hmmm… This is the sad story of thousands of soldiers and fighters on the other side of the globe. Hilarious? Not really. Well put, though.