Puntabulous

Sorry I don’t have a more exciting update for you today. My brothers and their families are in town and staying with us, so I won’t have much time for updating the old blog. But it’s been so much fun, and we’ve been spending most of our time drinking, swimming, and making up games involving a ball being thrown at your head while jumping off the diving board. Also, I’m super excited because I got a Wii console! I only got three games: Wii Sports (which comes with it), Super Mario Party 8 (which I didn’t open yet, and only got because I wanted a “party” game for my family to play while they’re in town and the clerk recommended it, so if it sucks, let me know so I can take it back before I open it), and Lego Star Wars (which you would have to pry out of my cold dead hands). I’ll be looking for more games, so if anyone has any suggestions, I would be happy to hear them. Keep in mind I don’t have any friends, so they should be primarily one player games.

After viewing my 1000th video post, Steven commented that I sound like Lauren Bacall. Not knowing who this person was, I had to do some investigation to see if the allegations were true. I found this clip from the 1973 TV movie musical called Applause. I can’t say for sure if we sound alike, but I can tell you that she is my new hero. Look at the way those gays throw her around at the end! And those legs!

Okay, here is a clip of her talking. It’s this awesomely cheesy coffee commercial. Again, I’m not sure if her voice is like mine, so I’ll leave that up to you to judge. But watching this clip is worth it, just for the “Mmmmmm” she gives towards the end. She sounds like the pedophile Herbert from Family Guy!

And for those of you who are completely uninterested in me and/or Lauren Bacall, I give you this:

Netflix #31 - 1408 - Suggested by Michelle and Dave S.

I don’t watch scary movies much, but when I do, I usually really like them. Perhaps because I’m easily scareable? Probably. Anyway, I really liked 1408. No big scary monsters or serial killers. Just a hotel room scaring the poop out of me. John Cusack and Samuel L Jackson were awesome. I loved Samuel L Jackson so much, especially his delivery of the line: “It’s an evil fucking room.” Classic! There was a sequence towards the end that took you out of the movie (if you’ve seen it, you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about) and lasted a bit too long, and it was hard to recover from. But other than that, I’d definitely recommend this if you want a scary movie to watch.

Netflix #32 - The Ten - Suggested by Robin and Josh

Yes! Yes! Yes! I loved this movie. It’s from the makers of the movie Wet Hot American Summer, which is one of my favorite movies ever. As a sidenote, I like to test potential boyfriends (HA!) with Wet Hot American Summer to see if they’re worthy (HA!) of me. If they don’t don’t like it or don’t laugh at all the right parts, they’re out! Anyway, The Ten isn’t as good as Wet Hot American Summer, but it’s still awesome. It’s a collection of 10 loosely related short stories hosted by none other than Paul Rudd, each one dealing with a different Commandment. Each of the stories just had the most random humor, you really need to see it to appreciate it. For those of you who have seen it, I think my favorite story was Gretchen Mol’s trip to Mexico. Oh and Kerri Kenney (who plays Deputy Trudy Wiegel from Reno 911) was in it! What more do you need?

The Incredible Hulk

Let’s start this review by saying that no adaptation of the Hulk character could ever compare with those of Batman and Superman (not Spiderman because the Spiderman movies sucked major ass). So now that we have that out of the way, The Incredible Hulk was the best movie the Hulk could be. This may sound like a backhanded compliment and that I didn’t like it very much, but that’s not true. I really liked it. It’s just that it can’t compare with the Batman and Superman franchises due to the nature of the character. There’s just not that much to him. Yes, I’m sure the Hulk comics give the character loads of depth, but those are books. They can do that. But I really enjoyed it. Edward Norton was awesome as usual, and the action was all top notch. People complain about the CG Hulk, but it didn’t really bother me that much. It wasn’t any different than Transformers. And I really don’t think makeup could have done the job. Does anyone remember the awfulness of the Juggernaut from X-Men 3? Oh, and every time Liv Tyler opened her mouth, the audience laughed. She’s so awful. In a recent interview in Entertainment Weekly, she complained about being considered too “ethereal” because of her role as Arwen in The Lord of the Rings. Hey Liv, you know what might make people stop thinking of you as ethereal? If you stop whispering all your lines!

Get Smart

Get Smart was my favorite movie of the summer. There. I said it. Yes, better than Iron Man, better than Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, and better than Sex and the City. Unless I was in some sort of euphoric state of being, which tricked my mind into thinking that everything I saw was ten times better than it really was, I loved every bit of this movie. The humor was great, the action was incredible (considering it was a comedy), and the story was interesting enough to keep things going. Let’s talk about the action for a minute. It was amazing. Some of the action pieces (I’m talking in particular about the final one) were more impressive than the overly computer generated jungle chase scene in this summer’s Indiana Jones. And then there was always the humor to add that extra touch of wonderfulness. Steve Carell was born for this role and I was thrilled that they didn’t make his character a moron. These days it seems like whenever writers try and do slapstick, they translate it into being a moron. But he wasn’t. He was obviously an agent for good reason. It’s just that bad (and wonderfully silly) things kept happening to him. So for now, I proclaim Get Smart the best movie of the summer. Until The Dark Knight comes out.

Keep your recommendations coming!

So I come home one day to find a small box on my front steps. “What a nice box!” I thought to myself.

But one can never be too careful so I had my bomb-sniffing snail Argyle check it out to make sure it was safe.

When he deemed it safe, I opened it up to reveal baked goods! And lots of them!

And not just any baked goods! Super Viagra and Vagina Girl baked goods! Seriously! Look at them! They are incredible! From the M&M eyes, to the Fruit Roll-Up capes and the Twizzler arms and legs, these cookies are a work of art!

They were so cool, I almost felt bad eating them! Almost.

Yum! Who knew Super Viagra would be so delicious?!

Wow! It’s a party in my mouth and Super Viagra is invited! “Wait your turn Vagina Girl! I’ll get to you in a minute!”

Yummy yummy in my tummy tummy! Say “Hi” Super Viagra!

But wait, something isn’t right.

Oh no. I don’t feel so good.

Oh god! No! They’re poisoned!

And then I died. Seriously. Did no one teach me not to eat food sent to me from strangers in the mail?

Okay fine. I’m not really dead. These spectacular and delicious (and not at all poisoned) cookies were the work of my favorite people Ξ_Heather and TwoPi from the blog 360, and of course their trusty sidekick Godzilla. They took some pictures of the cookie making process which they were kind enough to share:

Frankly, I’ll eat anything that has cream cheese involved.

When Godzilla isn’t mixing chaos and destruction, he’s mixing ingredients with his mixer of death.

A far cry from the flattening of cities he’s used to. But today he’s using his powers for good, not evil.

Godzilla would just like to clarify that just because he likes to bake, it doesn’t make him any less of a huge scary monster.

I can only assume that Godzilla used his radioactive fire breath to bake the cookies.

And only the delicate grace of Godzilla could decorate these cookies so precisely.

So yeah, these cookies are amazing! I can’t thank Ξ_Heather and TwoPi enough for their incredible present! The time and thought that went into these cookies is staggering and I’m honored that they would go through the trouble for little old me. Thank you very much guys!

Well what do you know! Today marks my 1000th post! Can you believe it? I’ve been blogging for a little under 3 years, 1070 days to be exact, and I’m up to my 1000th post. So on average I’ve almost blogged everyday! Isn’t that crazy? What could I have possibly talked about all this time? Apparently, some pretty crappy stuff, because in celebration of my 1000th post, I’ve made the following video to commemorate the 10 worst posts I’ve ever done. Enjoy!

The 10 Worst Puntabulous Posts from Craig McAnally on Vimeo.

Thanks to Avitable for the tech help!

Previously on The Puntabulous Adventures of Super Viagra and Vagina Girl.

For more Puntabulous Adventures of Super Viagra and Vagina Girl: CLICK HERE!
For the Super Viagra and Vagina Girl Team Store: CLICK HERE!
For the Super Viagra Store: CLICK HERE!
For the Vagina Girl Store: CLICK HERE!

There’s a special kind of lady in the world that delicately walks the line of sporty and butch. They are the Tomboys. Being a tomboy isn’t easy and there are several rules that one must follow if they wish to become one. To help you understand these rules, I’ve enlisted the help of Kara “Starbuck” Thrace from Battlestar Galactica. The following are some basic rules that Starbuck has demonstrated throughout the series that will help guide you through the process of becoming a tomboy:

Rule #1: Let your hair dictate your mental state. One wouldn’t think that tomboys care that much about their hair, but they do! To be a tomboy you must either have short hair cut well above the shoulder, or wear it in a constant ponytail. Take Starbuck’s time on New Caprica for example. She let her hair grow long, and didn’t bother to keep it pulled back in a ponytail. What was she thinking? Suddenly she was a weeping, solemn mess, who fell in love with her cylon captor. Even when she got back to the Galactica, she wasn’t the same Starbuck we all know and love until she cut off her mane.

Rule #2: Have issues, and plenty of them! There’s gotta be a reason why you’re a tomboy. If you have no issues, then you’re obviously some sort of poser trying to make yourself standout from the crowd. So you should just put on your apron and get back to the kitchen where you belong. Real tomboys have issues. Perhaps you didn’t have a good enough relationship with your batshit crazy mother, so she wasn’t able to teach you the finer traits of being a good woman like wearing dresses and throwing poorly. This of course spiraled out of control and you were essentially damaged goods for the rest of your life, never being able to commit to anything. But that’s the sacrifice you have to make if you truly want to be a tomboy.

Rule #3: Hate on women. As a tomboy, all other women are threats to you. As you make your transition to full on tomboy, you will begin spending all your time with men, and you must sever all emotional connections with women. You will need to show your dominance over other women not by outsmarting them or outworking them, but by being a complete asshole to them. The notion that two smart, outspoken women can work together for a common goal is absolutely ludicrous. No one wants to see that. They want bitch fights. Possibly involving mud pits. As Starbuck has demonstrated with her relations with Kat and President Roslin, the only time you will be allowed to feel any kind of emotion for women is when they are on their death bed. Too late you say? Not for a tomboy!

Rule #4: Don’t be afraid to girl it up every once in a while. As a tomboy you will be required to wear a dress approximately one time a year, but only so everyone can make comments about you. When you wear a dress, you will be paraded around like some sort of show dog while people say things like: “Wow, you really are a girl!” or “Looking good, lady!” or “Show me your vagina!” Yes, it’s insufferable, but you have to do it. You will be required to smile and say things like: “Enjoy it while it lasts!” and possibly stumble in your high heels, because that’s what tomboys do. Get it? Because they don’t wear high heels often. Who cares if you’re the best viper pilot in the galaxy? High heels require coordination beyond your level of comprehension.

Rule #5: Sleep around…with men! Tomboys are not lesbians. I repeat, tomboys are not lesbians. But people will think you are. Just because you’re awesome at Pyramid Ball doesn’t mean you play for the Sagittaron Sapphos. If you are a lesbian, you are not allowed to be a tomboy. Please stop reading immediately and refer to Admiral Cain’s Guide to Eating Out, which isn’t written yet. Starbuck has slept with three separate men throughout the series, four if you count Zak Adama, whom she had “relations” with before the series takes place. She even slept with Gaius Baltar for goodness sakes! I bet you tried to put that out of your memory, didn’t you? But these are the lengths you will need to go through to prove yourself as a true tomboy rather than just your average, run-of-the-mill lesbo.

There we have it. Go forth, my minions! Be the best tomboys you can be! Just be prepared for people to hate you because these rules also make you a bit of an asshole.

1. Cell phones ruin pool parties. Remember the good old days when you could push people into the water at pool parties? Not anymore! Yeah, pushing people who already have their bathing suits on is fine and all, but the real joy is getting three of your friends to hoist up an unsuspecting victim and throw them fully clothed into the water. However these days, everyone has a cell phone in their pocket. So if you try and throw them into the pool, they become a thrashing mess screaming “My cell phone! My cell phone!” Not fun.

2. People aren’t as awesome as you. Yes, yes, I know. You’re awesome. You’re not the problem. It’s the other guy. But to everyone else, you’re the other guy. The guy who has to let his friends know which movie theater he’s in. Or the woman who calls her credit card company on the quiet train.

3. You are always reachable. We all know that the 9 to 5 is long gone. It’s more like 8 to 5, or 9 to 6. But now with cell phones it almost like you’re on duty 24 hours a day! We even put our cell phone numbers on our business cards! Our personal cell phone on our business cards! If you can’t reach me on my work number, I’m either not at work or I’m busy. Don’t call me on my cell phone. I hate to break it to you, but just because I gave you my business card doesn’t mean you’re my number one priority.

4. Text messaging makes you a bad speller. c hw annying dis is? y do ppl talk like dis? What is it about cell phones that makes us talk like why were raised in the wild? “me tarzan. me c jane l8r?” My sister Amanda is a middle school social studies teacher and she says that her students will sometimes forget what they’re doing and use text language in their essays!

5. Cell phones make you an asshole. You may appear to be a reasonable person. But if you have the ability to check your email whenever you want. You will do it. A lot. No matter where you are. No matter how many friends you’re surrounded by. The temptation is just too irresistible. Who cares if your friend is talking to you? The idea of spam building up in your inbox makes you wet yourself.

6. Cell phones make you a paranoid wreck. Yeah, you’ve read the reports that cell phones don’t really give you cancer, so you feel safe keeping it in your pocket. But you’ve also seen the reports saying that drinking coffee is good for you, wait no, its bad for you, oh wait, sorry, its good for you again. These people don’t know what the hell they’re talking about. And every time you get a text message, your leg starts to tingle.

Have any you’d care to add?

GayCities, a website focused on helping gay travelers know where to go and what to do, has been running a feature for Pride Month (there’s a whole month?) where they ask various members of the gay community about their pride. I’m not really an expert on this whole gay thing, but I was really excited when they asked me to be a part of it. Today they’re featuring me, so check it out!

1. I received my $600 check from the government the other day, which is fantastic. I won’t spend any of it though, and immediately deposited it into my savings account. Take that economic stimulation! When I went to the ATM across the street at work during lunch the other day, I pulled out a deposit envelope and found this behind it:

Cute right? But how did they know that I would be the one to pull out the revealing envelope? It seems risky to put “Beautiful” when you don’t know who will see it. What if I was ugly? (As if!) That would have been a disaster. I guess they lucked out. Anyway, it made my crappy day slightly better for like a second before I realized I left my ATM card up in the office. Blerg.

2. Read this genius post titled “The Very Strange Day of Miranda P. Stick” from Anne Nahm. You won’t be sorry. Me and Anne are totally best friends now. She just doesn’t know it yet.

3. I finished the final book in the Star Wars: Legacy of the Force series titled Invincible. I have to say, I was a little disappointed. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again, Jacen Solo just wasn’t evil enough. Nothing will be able to match the savagery of the Yuuzhan Vong, who were the major antagonists of the New Jedi Order series. That series will always be the pinnacle of the Star Wars: Expanded Universe novels. Read them! Now I’m back to reading Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal, which I’m almost done with. After that, I’m gonna start Philip Pullman’s His Dark Materials trilogy.

4. I’m about halfway through the first season of Babylon 5. It’s good, but the production values leave a lot to be desired. It started off a bit slow and random, but the episodes lately have made it a bit more apparent where they’re going, which makes it a lot better. Is it bad that I started off right away with Season 1 and didn’t watch the TV movie Babylon 5: The Gathering first? I assume I’m missing some background material, but they seem to be filling us in as we go along. I know there are a few movies, so if someone can fill me in on the movies, their importance in the overall story and when I need to watch them, I’d really appreciate it.