When you’re a kid, you debate which superhero would win in a fight. As a Batman fan, I always had to justify my choice by saying that he could outwit that silly goody two-shoes Superman with his superior intellect and gadgets.
But we’re not kids anymore. So the question is now: “Which superhero would you most want to bang?” To help you make your choice, I’ve developed this handy guide to the members of the latest incarnation of the Justice League and the pros and cons of making sweet, sweet love with them. Sorry Aquaman, once again, you lose.
WHO: Superman
WHY HE’S GOOD IN BED: He’s the typical good guy, so he’s probably really considerate of your feelings and puts your pleasure before his. And they don’t call him “the man of steel” for nothing, so there’s one embarrassing problem you won’t have.
WHY HE’S BAD IN BED: But we’re not talking about marriage here, we’re talking about banging. Are you sure the all-American good boy is the way to go? And you have that whole “faster than a speeding bullet” business to consider.
WHO: Batman
WHY HE’S GOOD IN BED: Batman doesn’t have any superpowers, so he spends plenty of time in the gym building up that perfect physique. Besides, who doesn’t love the bad boy? Plus bats are nocturnal, so if you dim the lights, this is one man that will come alive… with passion!
WHY HE’S BAD IN BED: Batman can be pretty dark and creepy. Are you sure you want to climb in bed with all that baggage? With all his parental issues he could end up a sobbing mess while crying out for his Mommy.
WHO: Wonder Woman
WHY SHE’S GOOD IN BED: It’s a known fact that if you place hundreds of beautiful women on an exotic island together, they’re going to practice making out with each other. So Wonder Woman has plenty of experience under her golden belt.
WHY SHE’S BAD IN BED: I said it was island full of beautiful women. Put a penis in front of her and she has no idea what to do. Besides, bad girls don’t wear star spangled panties. They might as well be made out of stone, because you’ll never get into them.
WHO: The Flash
WHY HE’S GOOD IN BED: He’s the youngest member of the Justice League, so he’s eager to please and has the energy to make it an all-nighter. If you like the jackhammer technique, he’s your man.
WHY HE’S BAD IN BED: Younger doesn’t necessarily mean better. While he may physically have the energy to make it an all-nighter, that doesn’t mean he has the stamina to make it an all-nighter. He could get it, do his business and be done in… well… a flash.
WHO: Green Lantern
WHY HE’S GOOD IN BED: You know what they say: “Once you go black, you never go back.” SIDENOTE. Plus if you’re familiar with the history of the Green Lanterns, you’ll know that they usually don’t become superheroes until later in life, so he wasn’t always saving the day. He’s had plenty of time to get around and learn some technique.
WHY HE’S BAD IN BED: He only says he’s using his power ring to make a forcefield condom around his John Stewart, but how would you ever know if he’s telling the truth?
WHO: Hawkgirl
WHY SHE’S GOOD IN BED: Have a taste for the more exotic? You haven’t had sex until you’ve driven a woman to start shouting bird calls in the heat of passion. And Cosmo says it can be kinky to involve feathers in your foreplay, so if that’s the case, she’s certainly your girl.
WHY SHE’S BAD IN BED: Um, what’s foreplay? Plus Hawkgirl isn’t all that popular and lives in Wonder Woman’s shadow, so I’m sure she has a lot to prove to the world, which means only one thing: she’s a real bitch in bed.
WHO: Martian Manhunter
WHY HE’S GOOD IN BED: He’s a shape-shifter, so essentially you can have him change into anyone you wish and live out your inner-most fantasies.
WHY HE’S BAD IN BED: He’s still trying to understand human society, so he’d probably ask you loads of annoying questions during it about your feelings. Plus he’s an alien, so sex with humans might take some practice before he gets good. Unless he’s one of those anal-probe aliens, which in that case, you may be in luck (you know, if that’s your thing).
So what do you say readers? Which member of the Justice League are you bringing home tonight?
Most likely Green Latern or Flash.
I’m scared of what Krytonian sperm might do since it’s unlikely Superman has ever masturbated and we have no idea if they’re going to become little flying bullets of death or not. I don’t have the patience to hold Batman while he sobs through the night. Wouldn’t know what to do with Wonder Woman or Hawkgirl (their hair?). And I don’t know what I’d do if Martian Manhunter lost control of his shape-shifting and going intangible during crucial moments.
Hawkgirl and the Bat.
Hawkgirl has a lot to prove so will work harder. Plus, when the Bat starts to cry, she will bark out orders to him to keep him focused.
Wonder Woman all the way. I mean, c’mon, the whole ‘tie me up/tie me down’ thing with that little lasso of hers? Man. Oh, wait — there’s that annoying truth thing. Okay, maybe not. Because if she’s not good, you’re in a shitload of trouble…
Green Lantern. I’m a sucker for jewelry. And I like the idea of an energy condom. Sounds hot.
David: As long as it’s not the Alan Scott Green Lantern — his ring wouldn’t work on wood…
Justice League, Schmustice League! When I was a kid watching the cheesy repeats of the 60′s Batman show, I never got that funny feeling in my tights until Robin was on screen. Give me a Hot sidekick anytime!
And Yes, they were repeats. I may be old but I’m not playing the Mayor of Quohaug yet.
Wouldn’t work on wood…BWAHAHAHAHAH…Ah, Dave S., a funny man, with killer abs, who knows his comic books…you sure you wouldn’t want to venture to the dark side? At least for one night?
But back to the question as hand…GL! I do like me some black bald manflesh, and besides, his ring can make ANYTHING he can think of. I mean, other than the obvious toys, what if we decided we wanted a third, with say the Flash? Well GL could make a Flash…a glowing green one, naturally, but I bet he could make it fully functional as well!
HUGS…
What, no Zan and Jayna in this one? Though I suppose hot Gleek action would be astoundingly disturbing.
Hmmm, Wonder Woman and Hawkgirl are out as all I’d be able to do with them is gossip. Green Lantern is out since that picture makes me worry about radiation posioning. Batman would leave on a dime to go rescue someone from a mugger. Superman would leave on a dime to go rescue someone from falling over a waterfall; plus after Quest for Peace, there’s that radiation poisoning thing again. Martian Manhunter is out since anyone who has to show off that much body in their costume is overcompensating for something.
So I’ll take the Flash. If he has trouble controlling his speed, I’ll slip him some Ritalin or a roofie.
Y’know, if I could pick anyone from the DC universe, I kinda had a comic book crush on Terra from Teen Titans back in the day.
Or if you want to get really obscure, Alley-Kat-Abra had a great rack for a feline.
Did someone just use the word “rack”?
A feline rack….I think I’ve seen a pic of that on the internets.
Dave S.: Ooo, Terra, she was a little Lolita and had a mean evil streak. Plus she was crazy powerful too. Good choice.
And the Green Lantern comment about not working on wood made me spit take.
A feline rack…I’m think LOLCats must have something like that….
I don’t think I can participate in any superhero contest that doesn’t include Aquaman. Poor guy, dissed again.
I don’t know Heather, water is an excellent carrier of disease. You never know what you could be getting yourself into.
“I don’t know Heather, water is an excellent carrier of disease. You never know what you could be getting yourself into.”
Or into yourself!!!
Padumpump!!! Thank you ladies and gentlemen…Goodnight.
Luv Ya Craig, I promise no more stupid comments
Where are all my lady readers? (Besides Heather! I love you!)
Don’t you girls have an opinion about these hunky crime fighters?
Super Viagra’s kinda cute…
D’oh! I was just about to suggest another hero, but I read Craig’s note and realized I’m not a lady.
Not that I…um…didn’t realize that before reading his note.
Uhh…yeah.
I spend too much time here.
Superman here.
And if I was to ever venture to the dark side, I would have to say Hawkgirl.
WTF? These DC assholes aren’t worth my time. Give me a Marvel line up and I won’t be able to choose….Do I go with hunky, broody Wolverine? Shiny, muscle-bound Colossus (especially homo-Ultimate version)? The lithe Mr. Fantastic? Tony Stark? Spider-man? Northstar? Or do I go after the ultimate bear, Beast?
Why choose one?
But if I had to, I’d go with Colossus. I love tall guys
Batman.
Based solely on your reasons, I’d go with him… Well mostly only on your reasons. I also like to think that he’d be Christian Bale underneath his costume… lol.
Hmm. I think I might laugh with Superman in bed. Batman seems all dark, and that could be fun, although I’d much rather bone Robin. Flash could be fun…because you could train him. But the question is…if you teach him well, would he just be a flash-in-the-pan superhero…because teaching him stamina would take away his speedy trait?
Lady reader here. Definitely Batman. He’s the next best thing to a vampire but doesn’t suck you dry, well, not your blood. So the bad boy all the way although the Green Lantern has potential. He’ll be my back-up.
When’s the guide to banging sidekicks coming out?
You are awesome! I love you! This is the best post you’ve ever done. Thanx. Now get back to work.
Batman, something about the dark, sophicated, toned, (and rich, i can’t believe i put that) makes up for the parental baggage and Hawkgirl, more femine looking of the girls and I do have a thing for feathers. Dark yet steamy. wow, Im talking about who would i bang in comic land. Superman is too, i don’t know, squeaky clean i guess and most likely be a one nighter.
Since my boyfriend is obsessed with batman, and sometimes insists that he is batman (he does wear his batman belt buckle every day!), I’ll have to go with him. I like the dark and broody type anyway.
Batman
Batman. Love the dark side. And there are meds for that whole baggage thing so I don’t have to deal with it.
Maybe Batman and Superman, you know, both of them. Good cop bad cop like. Hum…
I’ve always wondered what Marvin the Martian would be like in bed.
Poor Aquaman…he’s such a crappy superhero, even with the hand of living water…
Brilliant.
Martian Manhunter, for sure. I like the shapeshifter idea, too, and the whole alien aspect might be fun!
Hal Jordan as the Green Lantern!