Jun
10
SELKIES
Selkies are magical creatures from Irish and Scottish mythology. The word selkie stems from the word selch, which is a Scottish word for seal. The myth of the Selkie originated in the Orkney Islands, a cluster of islands off the Northern coast of Scotland, which are inhabited by seals. You see, Selkies are seals that can shed their skins and turn into beautiful men and women.
Like any good myth, there’s a heavy dose of misogyny. Selkie men are rugged and beautiful, and human woman can’t help but fall in love with them and cheat on their husbands with them. What is with women? Why can’t they just keep it in their pants? It’s the same old story. Boy meets Girl. Boy marries Girl. Girl cheats on Boy with Seal. Women!
On the other hand, Selkie women, while also beautiful, are the victims of human men and the danger that lurks in their loins. Because if a man steals the skin of a Selkie woman while she’s in her human form, she has to marry him. Many Selkie stories involve the husband hiding the Selkie skin so she can’t change back to her seal form and return to the sea. Eventually she bears his children (what’s a myth without rape?) and it’s usually the children who find the Selkie skin hidden away. After a rousing ballad of “Fuck this Shit” the Selkie woman takes back her skin, changes into her seal form, and returns to sea.
But all is not lost! The folktales often end with the Selkie woman returning to the shore to play with her children in the waves. However, the folktales leave out the part where the human male becomes an abusive drunk and beats his kids because they remind him of the Selkie wife who left him, and he still can’t believe he fucked a seal. But don’t worry kids! Mom will come play with you once in a while. You know, until she marries another Selkie, has normal Selkie children instead of filthy half-breeds, and doesn’t love you anymore.
NOW TELL ME SOMETHING I DON’T KNOW.
June 10th, 2008 at 6:48 am
Seal, the musician (who I assume is not a Selkie, because, let’s face it, Heidi doesn’t need to resort to some watery pimp to find a man. Well, that and Selkies are supposed to be handsome..) got his scars from a form of lupus. Seal, like Madonna and Cher actually has a last name: Olusegun.
June 10th, 2008 at 7:30 am
The first Dairy Queen opened in Kanakee, Illinois in 1938.
Surprisingly, DQ is considered one of the largest franchises in the world with locations in over 25 countries, including China, Malaysia, Cambodia, and Ireland.
Although first franchised in 1940, and now reaching over 4,500 locations in the U.S., it wasn’t until 2004 that DQ ran its first national advertising campaign.
The trademark tip at the top of each DQ soft serve cone — called the nipple around these parts — is officially known as “The Curl.”
Dave’s DQ fave: A small vanilla cone dipped in chocolate. Mmmmm…
[After a rousing ballad of “Fuck this Shitâ€...] Awesomely funny!
June 10th, 2008 at 7:54 am
The Holy Roman Empire, was neither Holy, Roman, or an Empire. (True)
AND Evil Bunny has invaded hair:
http://www.dlisted.com/node/26445/images/animlahair10.jpg
June 10th, 2008 at 8:15 am
Seriously what do you expect when you just leave your Selkie skin laying around?
June 10th, 2008 at 8:51 am
I actually knew about Selkies. I was a myth geek growing up. Do I get a pass for this week, or do I still have to come up with something new for you?
June 10th, 2008 at 9:09 am
If your F-PROT Antivirus Version 3 prompts you to upgrade, you should do that. If you don’t and decide to e-mail Technical Support (where I work) instead, I will send you a standard e-mail like this, telling you to do the same as the information box in the computer:
Hello Craig and thank you for contacting us.
This error message is appearing because you are running an out of date version of F-PROT Antivirus.
You need to upgrade to the latest version of F-PROT. You can download a 30-day trial from here: F-PROT Trial. If you already have a customer number, you can download the latest version from http://www.f-prot.com/download
Please do not hesitate to contact us again if you require further information or assistance.
Then you will go and update and maybe have problems with it and e-mail me again.
I love working in technical support. It’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Seriously.
June 10th, 2008 at 9:11 am
The first American movie to feature a toilet flushing on screen was Alfred Hitchcock’s Psycho.
I’ll even go the personal route today since people are always amazed when I say this:
In the 35 years and 1 month I’ve been alive, I have never drank even so much as a sip of coffee, in any of its varities.
June 10th, 2008 at 9:44 am
My grandma has called me a selkie since I was little. (we’re irish) I didn’t know selkies were hot…..I will now take it as a compliment instead of cussing her under my breath. Now if I can just get my uncle to stop calling me “Joe Joe the dog-faced boy”.
le sigh.
June 10th, 2008 at 10:15 am
FDot: Can I get an AMEN! Coffee (hot, cold, and in my parts ice cream and syrup for coffee milk) is just wrong.
I have tasted it and confirmed that it is the work of the Evil Bunny. I still can’t figure out how something can smell so good, yet taste so horribly, horribly wrong.
June 10th, 2008 at 10:25 am
FDot/John: But how do you stay awake all day? Do you take naps under your desk at work?
June 10th, 2008 at 10:31 am
Something I was informed the other day was weird as hell, and I had no idea: I’ve never been able to eat an apple at room temperature. They have to have been refrigerated for me to even think about it.
And now for a little history about the Orkneys:
Norway controlled the islands (more or less) until 1468, when King Christian I pledged them as part of his daughter Margaret’s dowry in her betrothal to James I of Scotland. The dowry never being paid, the islands have henceforth been variously associated with the Scottish crown territories.
June 10th, 2008 at 10:32 am
And also, props to FDot and John! I haven’t had a sip of coffee in more than three years (or any kind of caffeine, for that matter). Best decision I ever made!
June 10th, 2008 at 10:53 am
Interesting myth, throw in some inoperable “chick cancer” and Valerie Bertinelli and you got a Lifetime movie of the week.
Adolph Hitler was a vegetarian, and had only 1, and i repeat, ONE, testicle.
June 10th, 2008 at 11:22 am
Some historians think the original idea for mermaids started when sailors saw some manatees and assumed things they shouldn’t have. This is what happens when you spend way too much time at sea.
FDOT and John, you know what’s an abomination? Mocha flavor. It’s a crime to be sticking that in ice cream and frosting and mixing it with chocolate.
June 10th, 2008 at 12:17 pm
Craig: Some days are harder than others, but usually I just shake off the sleep and go.
Sue: Totally agree. I do my best to avoid mocha at all costs.
June 10th, 2008 at 12:22 pm
News that just broke this week – oestrogen applied directly to the penis may help prevent the spread of HIV.
So boys, it’s time to start lubing it up with female hormones. Maybe.
http://www.abc.net.au/pm/content/2008/s2265320.htm – which contains the awesome quote: “So my colleague, Doctor Andrew Pask and I applied some post-menopausal vaginal oestrogen cream to foreskins and did contact smears, which we examined under the microscope. And low and behold, the foreskin of the penis behaves exactly like the vagina of the female and responds within 24 hours to the local application of a very weak oestrogen, by thickening and keratinising.”
June 10th, 2008 at 12:24 pm
Dude, I am Not Worthy!!! You constantly amaze me with your knowledge…seriously. When I was a kid I used to read the Encyclopedia for fun. You remind me of myself back then in the 5th century
June 10th, 2008 at 12:27 pm
Mark: Easy boy. I’m certainly not a genius. These days we use Wikipedia. But with fact-checking!
June 10th, 2008 at 12:33 pm
What is this Wiki….. thing you speak of? I am still reading World Book Volumn 16, Q-R.
June 10th, 2008 at 1:11 pm
Craig: I used to drink Diet Coke (about 2 cans = 1 cup of coffee in terms of caffeine) but went caffeine free about two months ago. I haven’t noticed much of a difference.
Sue: Mocha=gross because it contains coffee. I see it an an unholy alliance because I really don’t like chocolate much either. In things it is ok (chocolate chip cookies, ice cream and of course the peanut butter cup) but I don’t like it by itself.
June 10th, 2008 at 1:39 pm
Can I just say when you said “Easy Boy”, you stirred feelings that haven’t been stirred since “Puntabulous has got Back”
June 10th, 2008 at 1:49 pm
The Hoodie, The Backwards Hat, The Shades!!! And OMG the Wife Beater….You will never know how HOT!!!!
June 10th, 2008 at 1:50 pm
Sorry, I’m channeling Dave S. Where is his cute ass anyway?
June 10th, 2008 at 2:02 pm
Not channeling on the “youre Hot” stuff but on the number of comments. Step up Dave, we love you too!
June 10th, 2008 at 2:39 pm
Mark: Wow.
June 10th, 2008 at 2:43 pm
Ooops, sorry, I was feeling talkative today, (shy glance)
June 10th, 2008 at 3:16 pm
OK, last comment, lol. Check out the movie “Almost Normal”. It’s playing now on LOGO, the “Lesbian Ordinarily, Gay Occasionally” channel. It’s a little cheesy but has a really cute ending.
June 10th, 2008 at 3:48 pm
Well that was very cool, never heard of Selkies but I wouldn’t mind meeting one on a dark beach.
Moving on. In a similar mythical vein, Satyrs are the Greek half man/half goat creatures who are renowned for their sex drive. If you wiki it, you will find a lovely picture of one balancing a goblet of wine on his penis, the tip of his penis no less. Here is the link and while he has human feet (apparently the Romans made them more goat-like) he does have a tail. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Image:Komos_Douris_BM_E768.jpg
They are lovers of wine, women and boys, and are ready for every physical pleasure. They roam to the music of pipes, cymbals, castanets, and bagpipes, and love to dance with the nymphs (with whom they are obsessed, and whom they often pursue).
June 10th, 2008 at 4:07 pm
Yay! Teach me Tuesdays are back!
Judy Collins has a song (not original to her) called “The Great Silkie of Sule Skerry” about a woman who’s all upset that she doesn’t know where her son’s father is — apparently it was a one-night stand — and then he appears and it turns out he’s a Selkie and he takes the kid from her and tosses her some money instead. Nice guys, those selkies. (But then — and I’d forgotten this until I looked up the lyrics just now — he goes on to explain that she’d marry a gunner who would end up hunting and killing both he [the selkie] and the baby seklie-human. What a depressing story. I’m sorry I brought it up.]
Less depressing fact: when the bones of an iguanodon were found, there was one that was curved so they thought it was a horn, like a rhino. Forty years later they realized that it was supposed to be a thumb spike.
June 10th, 2008 at 4:30 pm
*sigh* I leave for one afternoon — *one* afternoon — and the Puntabulous comments sections goes to hell in a handbasket.
Jiminy Christmas…
June 10th, 2008 at 4:45 pm
Okay Heather, I thought FOR SURE it was going to be a penis bone. Guess I’ve still got Satyr’s on the brain.
June 10th, 2008 at 4:49 pm
Meeeee: That is one talented Satyr!
Heather: Nice info! Except now I’m sad because a wee little selkie got killed.
June 10th, 2008 at 6:21 pm
There are 365 days in a year and a total of 414 festivals in a year in New Orleans.
June 10th, 2008 at 9:31 pm
Well you might already know this (I’m assuming it’d be on wikipedia), but you can play as a selkie in one of the Final Fantasy games, Crystal Chronicles (probably the worst one btw!)
They aren’t sea creatures though…
June 11th, 2008 at 3:12 am
They’re definitely a Northern thing, Scandanavian.. Probably viking. Not much of that mythology around where I live!
We do however, have Kelpies. They’re like horses, but live in Lochs and Burns and such, and try to lure folk back to their death.. Not so hot.
x
June 11th, 2008 at 4:02 am
Today (June 11th) in 1939, Franklin D. Roosevelt invited the King and Queen of England to visit America. While there were here, they tasted a hot dog for the first time ever.
June 16th, 2008 at 3:42 pm
“Selkie skin” would be a runaway best seller name for a condom.