Jun
16
This is the story of my earring. Oh, I’m sorry. You didn’t know I was such a badass? Because I totally am. Except I was never a street fighter. Or an owner of such arms that were so muscley that you get that vein running down them. Or on a show that was really awesome for approximately one season.
I was a sophomore in college, and being the total badass I was at the time, I figured the best place to get a badass earring would be at the home of badass: Hot Topic. Because nothing says badass quite like crappy clothing designed by an annoying (albeit a million times more famous than I’ll ever be) blogger. Hey look! A kitten skull and crossbones! You don’t want to mess with that guy!
So I went into Hot Topic, and picked out this totally badass 18 gauge earring with a blue stud. I swear it was the most masculine one they had. No really. So I get brought into the back room by this really nice lady who looked like this:
And she’s really nice, but looks like crazy. And you know what they say: “Don’t judge a book by it’s cover, unless they’re darker than you.” And she’s super excited that I’m getting an earring, and she’s even more excited that I’m getting that particular earring because she has the same one in her: PICK ONE: A) Belly Button. B) Tongue. C) Nipples.
If you answered C, give yourselves a pat on the back. And before I could say “Ew! TMI!”, she was putting an earring in my left ear cartilage. And wasn’t there some sort of archaic rule where gay guys are supposed to pierce their right ear? But I assume that’s a really awkward question to ask a guy before you pierce his ear. And I was such a champ about it. I didn’t cry once! Maybe that’s part of the trick. Distract them images of nipple rings in their ears, and they won’t feel a thing!
And now that I had my new badass earring, I had to go around doing badass things like going to class, doing homework, and reading Harry Potter. Man, it’s a miracle I survived those crazy years. And the first time I went back home from college after getting the earring I had to walk sideways so my mom wouldn’t see it because I failed to tell her about it because I was such a badass and knew she wouldn’t be crazy about it.
And who would have thought that walking sideways wouldn’t be enough to sustain the secret of my earring? So obviously she found out. Let’s just say that she wasn’t too pleased.
But she got over it because I was such a badass she had no choice but to respect my badass ways. A couple of months later I changed the earring to one of those even more badass hoops with the ball in the middle. I don’t even want to think about where that Hot Topic girl had one of those! And while I was home I was waiting tables at Ground Round, and my manager said I had to take out my earring. Did the girls have to take out their earrings, you ask? Nope. Just the guys! Goooooooooo feminism!
Because apparently Ground Round is too classy to have male waiters with earrings, but they’re not too classy to weigh kids when they walk in the door and charge by the pound. You stay classy, Ground Round! But I was also given the choice of either taking out my earring or covering it up with a band aid. And since I was such a badass I chose to cover it up with ridiculous bandaids that were a million times more noticeable than the earring itself. Such a badass!
And since I was wearing ridiculously noticeable bandaids, my customers would always ask why I was wearing them, and I would tell them how my manager made me do it, and they’d feel bad for me and leave me bigger tips. But then one day there weren’t any more bandaids. And I had to take out my badass earring. And this is what I looked like:
And for reference, this is what I looked like with my earring in:
And while I was in the restaurant bathroom taking out my earring, looking at my gorgeous self in the mirror, it dawned on me that I looked exactly the same without my earring as I did with it. So I never put it back in. And even though it’s been seven years since I’ve had that earring, to this day whenever one of my siblings garners the negative attention of my mom, they stutter for a moment and then exclaim: “Yeah, well, Craig got an earring!” Because it was just that much of a scandal. Total badass.
THE END.
June 16th, 2008 at 7:23 am
I had an earring for about 2 weeks when I was 19. I was given an earring as a gift (by someone who thought I had a pierced ear, but I didn’t). So, I decided one day to give it a try. I got an ice cube and a pin and pierced it myself. It wasn’t as bad or blood as it sounds.
I did the same sideways walk for a while and managed to keep it hidden. I did show my mother who gave me the worst reaction: “I’m disappointed in you.” She thought I did it to make them (my parents) upset.
I kept it for about 2 weeks without my dad seeing it, but ultimately decided it wasn’t for me. The hole has long since closed, but is slightly visible.
June 16th, 2008 at 8:03 am
I love your stories.
June 16th, 2008 at 8:19 am
Thanks Zee Brat! I gave them their own category now for easier access!
June 16th, 2008 at 8:23 am
I got my tongue pierced when I was twenty. Two days later my tongue had turned green. I had been warned about it but it freaked me so much i took the stud out.
June 16th, 2008 at 8:40 am
Craiggers, your badassitude is indeed quite impressive.
Although, the thought of YOU working at a place called “The Ground Round” just makes me giggle like a schoolgirl.
HUGS…
June 16th, 2008 at 9:41 am
The Ground Round classy? Isn’t that the place where they used to let you throw the peanut shells on the floor?
I had my ear pierced when I was 15, it involved 3 joints a potato and a sewing needle (hot topic didn’t exist yet). I gave up wearing it when I was 30, I don’t know what became of that potato.
June 16th, 2008 at 9:51 am
That is a great story. That Ground Round is badass.
June 16th, 2008 at 10:01 am
If you had grown your hair long you could have covered the earring and your mom wouldn’t have seen it. Of course then you’d have long hair and I doubt that’s your look. That’s what my daughter did when she pierced her cartilage; covered it with her hair. But she wears ponytails and so before long I saw it and sighed. A piercing isn’t permanent at least, once you take it out it disappears. Then she got a tatoo (not visible when she’s clothed thank God) as soon as she turned 18 and I didn’t have to sign anything.
But all of that is better than working at Ground Round. Who names a retaurant Ground Round? Gag.
June 16th, 2008 at 12:03 pm
You want badass, get a tattoo. You can even get it in a place your mom will never see.
My mother wasn’t too pleased when I got my first earring, but she absolutely hit the roof when she found out about my tattoo.
June 16th, 2008 at 12:59 pm
This story makes me think of my brother. He got his ears pierced amd was working at Togos at the time and had to put a bandaid on it. He comes in my room at about 11 and wakes me up, “Omg Kat help me get this bandaid off”. We tried and tried (it was all around the hoop) to get it off we ended up taking it out. lol good times
June 16th, 2008 at 1:25 pm
“And wasn’t there some sort of archaic rule where gay guys are supposed to pierce their right ear?”
I remember that archaic rule (it’s from the straight guy’s perspective) ‘Left is right, and right is wrong.’
I bow to your superior badassery here. I would never be able to have someone stick a needle through any part of me. I would go into a dead faint.
June 16th, 2008 at 2:10 pm
James (my bf) had his nipple pierced once. Thankfully he caught it in a shower door and ripped it out the week before we met or, I swear, I wouldn’t have given him the time of day. Ears: fine. Anything below the neck? Keep on walking.
June 16th, 2008 at 2:28 pm
Sven: Ouch! My toes curled while reading that! But I have to ask: What does his nipple look like now?
And agreed, nipple rings are a definite turn off.
June 16th, 2008 at 2:40 pm
This posting is hilarious because I did essentially the same thing…lol
I moved away for about 6 years and in that time, I came out, got both my ears pierced and a tattoo.
Each year, I tried to shock my parents each visit home. The first year it was coming out to them. The second year was just showing up at their door. The third year, I got an earring and that was quite possibly the most shocked I’ve ever seen my Mother. Her claims to “rip it out if I ever got my ear pierced” did not come to fruition though. And the tattoo simply wasn’t that much of a shocker it seemed. lol
And that’s my life in 60 seconds.
June 16th, 2008 at 3:02 pm
I’m sorry but I would choose a nipple ring over the wrong number of nipples. (1 or 3 just doesn’t cut it)
June 16th, 2008 at 3:34 pm
Hmmm…just wondering what kind of badass tattoo you would get…
And completely off topic - funniest commercial ever:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EJJL5dxgVaM
June 16th, 2008 at 3:40 pm
Sven: Ouch! That had to hurt. Both the piercing and its removal.
I remember the archaic rule of “left ear buccaneer, right ear queer”. Can anyone name the 80’s movie that helped to “immortalize” this quote?
I think the rule is very out of date now. Most guys I know with pierced ears have them in both ears.
June 16th, 2008 at 3:41 pm
Michelle M: I would get tattoos of Super Viagra and Vagina Girl on each of my not-so-bulging biceps.
June 16th, 2008 at 4:57 pm
I think all of us did the pierced ear thing. I had mine from 20 to 30. Had multiple piercings in both ears.
June 16th, 2008 at 6:02 pm
Great story!
My Piercing:
During spring break of my freshman year of college a friend from high school convinced me to get my ear pierced. There was a deeply negative (on a number of levels) parental reaction. I somehow got a hotel room that night and threw a large crazy drinking party. I never did that before or since. That was a crazy day for me. I was massively hungover at the Easter service that my parents required I attend the next day. I had to excuse myself and pass out in the car. That was a rough few days…
My De-Piercing:
I did go through a bad ass phase. I wore combat boots and a black leather jacket. So my earring of choice at the time was in the shape of a hatchet. I was near the mosh pit at a heavy metal concert. Some guy with long hair bumped into me. His hair caught on my earring. It nearly ripped my ear off. The earring was lost and I decided that an earring was an unnecessary chink in my bad ass armor. I never missed it.
June 16th, 2008 at 7:43 pm
This was one of my most favorite of your posts. I loved your earring but your tale about it is SO funny! You can be qute the badass though:knowing Karate; Went ski-diving (something I could never do!) This entire site proves what a true bad ass you are.
My Badass earring experience didn’t go too well. The day before I was teaching my first class, something I was terrified of, I decided to get two piercings…..on the top of my ear. Sure it wasn’t far but at least it was cartilge! It actually did help make me feel braver,slightly cooler for about a year.
But then I noticed I was growing a little doorknob on the back of my ear by the studs. What was cool before was suddenly ewww!! get if off!!! now! A dermatologist scraped off the doorknob and said to let them close over. Not wanting anymore foreign objects developing on my body, I gave in like a wuss.
I have had a fair share of badass moments. Such as having STP manager’s phone &beeper number, Staying overnight at Rockfield Studios (where Bohemian Rhapsody was recorded)while watching my friend make his new CD. I’f add hanging out with Sondheim.. But that is probably only badass in the theatre community.
June 16th, 2008 at 8:48 pm
Yay! Perez Hilton!
June 17th, 2008 at 1:02 am
I got my ear pierced junior year in college when I was in England. Since I also arrived back in the States sporting a gay-porn mustache and a rat-tail dyed blonde, the earing was the least of my family’s concerns, as my sister’s wedding was coming up in two months. I buckled and cut off the rat-tail, but kept the earing and mustache which are forever enshrined in the wedding album. Ugh. I got rid of the earing the following year for about the same reason you did, Craig. The ’stache followed shortly after.
June 17th, 2008 at 1:04 am
Honestly, I stopped reading this post at the picture of the pretty arms. It was truly tragic how quickly The OC went downhill. I only watched like a season and a half.
June 23rd, 2008 at 6:13 pm
I had my right eyebrow pierced. It ended when I was careless when putting on a hoody.