There’s a special kind of lady in the world that delicately walks the line of sporty and butch. They are the Tomboys. Being a tomboy isn’t easy and there are several rules that one must follow if they wish to become one. To help you understand these rules, I’ve enlisted the help of Kara “Starbuck” Thrace from Battlestar Galactica. The following are some basic rules that Starbuck has demonstrated throughout the series that will help guide you through the process of becoming a tomboy:
Rule #1: Let your hair dictate your mental state. One wouldn’t think that tomboys care that much about their hair, but they do! To be a tomboy you must either have short hair cut well above the shoulder, or wear it in a constant ponytail. Take Starbuck’s time on New Caprica for example. She let her hair grow long, and didn’t bother to keep it pulled back in a ponytail. What was she thinking? Suddenly she was a weeping, solemn mess, who fell in love with her cylon captor. Even when she got back to the Galactica, she wasn’t the same Starbuck we all know and love until she cut off her mane.
Rule #2: Have issues, and plenty of them! There’s gotta be a reason why you’re a tomboy. If you have no issues, then you’re obviously some sort of poser trying to make yourself standout from the crowd. So you should just put on your apron and get back to the kitchen where you belong. Real tomboys have issues. Perhaps you didn’t have a good enough relationship with your batshit crazy mother, so she wasn’t able to teach you the finer traits of being a good woman like wearing dresses and throwing poorly. This of course spiraled out of control and you were essentially damaged goods for the rest of your life, never being able to commit to anything. But that’s the sacrifice you have to make if you truly want to be a tomboy.
Rule #3: Hate on women. As a tomboy, all other women are threats to you. As you make your transition to full on tomboy, you will begin spending all your time with men, and you must sever all emotional connections with women. You will need to show your dominance over other women not by outsmarting them or outworking them, but by being a complete asshole to them. The notion that two smart, outspoken women can work together for a common goal is absolutely ludicrous. No one wants to see that. They want bitch fights. Possibly involving mud pits. As Starbuck has demonstrated with her relations with Kat and President Roslin, the only time you will be allowed to feel any kind of emotion for women is when they are on their death bed. Too late you say? Not for a tomboy!
Rule #4: Don’t be afraid to girl it up every once in a while. As a tomboy you will be required to wear a dress approximately one time a year, but only so everyone can make comments about you. When you wear a dress, you will be paraded around like some sort of show dog while people say things like: “Wow, you really are a girl!” or “Looking good, lady!” or “Show me your vagina!” Yes, it’s insufferable, but you have to do it. You will be required to smile and say things like: “Enjoy it while it lasts!” and possibly stumble in your high heels, because that’s what tomboys do. Get it? Because they don’t wear high heels often. Who cares if you’re the best viper pilot in the galaxy? High heels require coordination beyond your level of comprehension.
Rule #5: Sleep around…with men! Tomboys are not lesbians. I repeat, tomboys are not lesbians. But people will think you are. Just because you’re awesome at Pyramid Ball doesn’t mean you play for the Sagittaron Sapphos. If you are a lesbian, you are not allowed to be a tomboy. Please stop reading immediately and refer to Admiral Cain’s Guide to Eating Out, which isn’t written yet. Starbuck has slept with three separate men throughout the series, four if you count Zak Adama, whom she had “relations” with before the series takes place. She even slept with Gaius Baltar for goodness sakes! I bet you tried to put that out of your memory, didn’t you? But these are the lengths you will need to go through to prove yourself as a true tomboy rather than just your average, run-of-the-mill lesbo.
There we have it. Go forth, my minions! Be the best tomboys you can be! Just be prepared for people to hate you because these rules also make you a bit of an asshole.
I wear a dress approximately once a year and no one’s ever called ME a tomboy. And I sleep around! What am I doing wrong?
Oh, right. The vagina.
Actually, I just want to point out that at no point did I agree to be your minion. Truth be told, I think it’s the other way around. Because you’re needy for attention and you know that being funny will get you lots of attention, you continue to provide humorous entertainment to please us.
You’re our bitch, Craig. It’s that simple.
If this is all it takes to be a Tomboy, well hell, I’m three/fifths of the way there now! I already am #2, #4, #5! Especially #5.
HUGS…
I hope you notice that even Starbuck shaves her armpits. She probably cuts herself because she does it while downing a 40, but still.
……………..
She slept with more people than that! Stupid ho slept with her cylon captor I’m sure. And probably that black guy when she was in the hospital. By now she’s probably slept with Gaeta too. And remember she slept with Billy but then he died and couldn’t tell anyone!
Hey, at least you admitted she’s an *sshole.
I love you. That was one of the greatest posts ever. And Nicky, SHUT your piehole! There’s a difference between being a stupid ho and a strong, sexual woman! But yes, she is an asshole.
Additional rules: The only appropriate ways to express that you like someone (more than just one-night stand sex) involves trying to beat them at some sort of sport (i.e. Pyramid or boxing).
You’ve got to be able to hold your liquor. When you get drunk, you’ve got to be a mean drunk. None of that weepy, sad, emotional sharing bullshit, when you’re hammered you’re going to cut down everyone one around you (hint: make them insecure by comparing them silently to previous/other lovers).
Stupid ho: cheating on your boyfriend with a TAKEN man and then marrying your boyfriend the next day anyway! And THEN hugging the TAKEN man in a boxing ring IN FRONT of his wife and making her sad all while ignoring your HUSBAND! aka Starbuck!
You are amazing, Craig. I’m looking forward to Admiral Cain’s Guide To Dining Out.
last time I wore a dress no asked to see my vagina
When do we get Doc Cottle’s Guide to Popular Visions, Songs, Ravings and Prophecies of the dead and dying?
Hey Craig!
I’ve never actually watched Battlestar Galactica (yet..), but I still like these posts. And they made me think of you the other day, when I was on the set for the prequel pilot, Caprica. Do you think you’ll be a fan of it too, or will the lack of your favorite tomboy make it lose its charm?
Jamie: You were on the set of Caprica??? That’s awesome! How come?
And yes, I’m excited for Caprica, although slightly cautious because I love BSG so much.
She may sleep with guys, but I know that Kara really is a lesbian
I was an extra dancing in this virtual reality night club with lots of drugs and orgies and strange human sacrifices. It was neato, though I couldn’t quite figure out what any of it had to do with battlestars or galacticas.
From what I could tell though, it looks like it will be good! But I’ll err on the side of caution with you.
“Sagittaron Sapphos” – good one. I can imagine high school emo dropouts getting bullied with that one in hallways across the twelve colonies.
complete crap!!
Thanks Hannah! It’s almost as if you’re my own personal ray of sunshine!
Haha… dude, that post describes me completely (aside from the sleeping around thing. I’m very monogamous). I fall more into the Sam Carter (Stargate) camp… I’m a bit more laid back and not as aggressive.
And as a tomboy I will tell you… I do care about my hair. Short and sweet… but it’s still got to look good.
hilarious post dude, I was laughing my ass off.
Hooray for Starbuck love!!
Hahaha! This is an awesome post! Have to say I agree with 80% of it! But may take the other 20% under advisement.
I don’t care one bit of my annoying hair i usally keep it down with knots and tankles i wear only trousers jeans plain tops tracksuits jumpers socks and plain necklaces with a unfashionable silver pendant nothing valubale i just wear trainers for shoes