Puntabulous

There’s a special kind of lady in the world that delicately walks the line of sporty and butch. They are the Tomboys. Being a tomboy isn’t easy and there are several rules that one must follow if they wish to become one. To help you understand these rules, I’ve enlisted the help of Kara “Starbuck” Thrace from Battlestar Galactica. The following are some basic rules that Starbuck has demonstrated throughout the series that will help guide you through the process of becoming a tomboy:

Rule #1: Let your hair dictate your mental state. One wouldn’t think that tomboys care that much about their hair, but they do! To be a tomboy you must either have short hair cut well above the shoulder, or wear it in a constant ponytail. Take Starbuck’s time on New Caprica for example. She let her hair grow long, and didn’t bother to keep it pulled back in a ponytail. What was she thinking? Suddenly she was a weeping, solemn mess, who fell in love with her cylon captor. Even when she got back to the Galactica, she wasn’t the same Starbuck we all know and love until she cut off her mane.

Rule #2: Have issues, and plenty of them! There’s gotta be a reason why you’re a tomboy. If you have no issues, then you’re obviously some sort of poser trying to make yourself standout from the crowd. So you should just put on your apron and get back to the kitchen where you belong. Real tomboys have issues. Perhaps you didn’t have a good enough relationship with your batshit crazy mother, so she wasn’t able to teach you the finer traits of being a good woman like wearing dresses and throwing poorly. This of course spiraled out of control and you were essentially damaged goods for the rest of your life, never being able to commit to anything. But that’s the sacrifice you have to make if you truly want to be a tomboy.

Rule #3: Hate on women. As a tomboy, all other women are threats to you. As you make your transition to full on tomboy, you will begin spending all your time with men, and you must sever all emotional connections with women. You will need to show your dominance over other women not by outsmarting them or outworking them, but by being a complete asshole to them. The notion that two smart, outspoken women can work together for a common goal is absolutely ludicrous. No one wants to see that. They want bitch fights. Possibly involving mud pits. As Starbuck has demonstrated with her relations with Kat and President Roslin, the only time you will be allowed to feel any kind of emotion for women is when they are on their death bed. Too late you say? Not for a tomboy!

Rule #4: Don’t be afraid to girl it up every once in a while. As a tomboy you will be required to wear a dress approximately one time a year, but only so everyone can make comments about you. When you wear a dress, you will be paraded around like some sort of show dog while people say things like: “Wow, you really are a girl!” or “Looking good, lady!” or “Show me your vagina!” Yes, it’s insufferable, but you have to do it. You will be required to smile and say things like: “Enjoy it while it lasts!” and possibly stumble in your high heels, because that’s what tomboys do. Get it? Because they don’t wear high heels often. Who cares if you’re the best viper pilot in the galaxy? High heels require coordination beyond your level of comprehension.

Rule #5: Sleep around…with men! Tomboys are not lesbians. I repeat, tomboys are not lesbians. But people will think you are. Just because you’re awesome at Pyramid Ball doesn’t mean you play for the Sagittaron Sapphos. If you are a lesbian, you are not allowed to be a tomboy. Please stop reading immediately and refer to Admiral Cain’s Guide to Eating Out, which isn’t written yet. Starbuck has slept with three separate men throughout the series, four if you count Zak Adama, whom she had “relations” with before the series takes place. She even slept with Gaius Baltar for goodness sakes! I bet you tried to put that out of your memory, didn’t you? But these are the lengths you will need to go through to prove yourself as a true tomboy rather than just your average, run-of-the-mill lesbo.

There we have it. Go forth, my minions! Be the best tomboys you can be! Just be prepared for people to hate you because these rules also make you a bit of an asshole.