Puntabulous

AKA An excuse to write about movies I have recently seen

1. Funniest deleted scene - Pink Panther

As much of a Steve Martin fan as I am, I had heard such bad things about the remake of the Pink Panther I put off seeing it. To my delight, it was funny and surprisingly sentimental. It was directed by Shawn Levy (Cheaper by the Dozen, Night at the Museum) who has a history of infusing comedies with that warm and fuzzy feeling. Steve Martin becomes his own unique and appealing Inspector Clouseau. His accent and pathetic attempts to say “I want to buy a hamburger” alone is hilarious. Jean Reno is a perfect straight man partner for him. An unexpected cameo by Jason Statham and some laugh out loud moments (try keeping a straight face when they dance in that “camouflage”) also make it worth watching. But the award I would give it however would be funniest deleted scene. It’s two parts where Clouseau accidentally makes the molding of the arch in Kevin Kline’s office fall down. The second time it falls to the floor, he declares “This is where it wants to be.” It reminds me of my favorite line from Twins when Arnold says upon tripping a pedestrian “The pavement was his enemy.” Ok, so neither of those moments reads as funny as they are. Go ahead and judge for yourself. It may not be as awesome as the new Get Smart but I don’t think you’ll be disappointed.

2. Most Unnecessary Camerawork - Sleuth

For me, Kenneth Branagh is the greatest living director on the planet. Michael Caine is one of the greatest actors on the planet. And Jude Law is so gorgeous, I could watch him all day long. What could possibly go wrong with the remake of Sleuth? Camerawork. Angles from above, angles from below, angles from below the waist, angle in on a single eye, angles in mirrors. Ken, Ken, Ken what were you thinking? You didn’t have to do anything (except write a better ending) to make these two actors in one house more interesting.

3. Creepiest, Cheesiest special effect - Solstice

Solstice is a fairly good direct to DVD horror movie from the makers of The Blair Witch Project. It’s about a girl who goes to a cabin with a group of friends and starts seeing what she believes is her sister who recently committed suicide. It has a likable cast (including Shawn Ashmore of Smallville), interesting mystery and one of the cheesiest special fx I’ve seen outside of Scifi Channel. Basically it was a black shadow (shaped like a Pacman ghost?) with glowing eyes. The weird thing is how much it creeped me out. The only thing I could think of was that it was closer to things I’ve thought I’ve seen when I was kid. Things from my child’s imagination that terrified me. I never saw a little girl with inexplicably unwashed hair over her face or a boy saying “Redrum! Redrum!”. In the dark of the basement or shed it was the shadows that scared me. The ones that seemed to turn to look at me. Was it really low budget and cheesy? Yes. Laughable? Pretty much. Creepy? Definitely.

4. Most self indulgent annoying performance - Julia Roberts in Oceans 12

Oceans 11 & 13 were entertaining but 12 should be skipped for a muddled plot and most of all for an incredibly annoying scene with Julia Roberts playing a character who is playing - Julia Roberts. It’s something that’s been done before such as in the otherwise superb show Due South which referred to Leslie Neilson’s character as looking like Leslie Neilson. But never have I seen it done for as long or as self indulgently as Julia Roberts’ performance. First there are unheard whispers about who this character looks like and should pretend to be in order to further their diamond heist. She coyly protests, “Oh no! I don’t look a thing like her!” They insist “Oh yes - it will work!” Reluctantly she agrees to pretend to be - surprise! Julia Roberts! The “joke” goes even further when she runs into Bruce Willis playing himself, mistaking her for Yes! Julia Roberts! Not only did it completely take me out of the movie, it aggravated the heck out of me. If I had been eating popcorn I would have thrown it at the screen.

5. American version better than Asian Version - The Eye

Often when the American movie machine gets a hold of an already well done foreign movie, it grinds it down til it’s a poor imitation of the original. Not so with the American version of The Eye. I saw the Asian version one day on IFC and enjoyed it. It was a ghost story in which the main character receives a donor pair of eyes and begins seeing dead people. It wasn’t jump out of your seat scary as much as sinisterly atmospheric. My only problem was the ending left me a little confused. Like most Asian horror movies, it was purposely abstract. The American version starred the immensely watchable Jessica Alba. The apparitions in it weren’t as frightening but the story was more understandable and the ending ultimately more satisfying. It was actually very touching and made me teary, something few horror movies do.

6. & 7. The “Get me the Hell out of this car” award:

There are many many great chase scenes and now with computer fx things can be done that couldn’t before. Some work, some don’t. The best still remain the ones that are actually done live. Lately they have developed new cameras that they can place inside cars during the chases and crashes. It really makes you feel like you are in the car with the driver. Two movies have used this technique to effectively unsettling results. The first is The Bourne Supremacy, the middle movie in the Bourne trilogy. There is a long car chase down narrow streets and across a 12 lane highway! For most of the chase, you feel like you are in the car with Matt Damon, shifting his gears, looking in his mirrors etc. By the time you hit the huge climax in a tunnel, you feel like you’re as beat up as his borrowed taxi-cab.

The other movie is We Own the Night, a gritty crime drama with Mark Walhberg and Joaquin Phoenix playing brothers on opposite sides of the law. There is a shocking car chase that takes place at night - in the pouring rain, shown totally from Joaquin’s point of view in his car. It’s unique and very disturbing. Neither of these descriptions do them justice, you have to rent them, experience them and then I bet you too will be saying “Get me the Hell Out of This Car!”

8. The “Get Me the Hell Out of this Movie” award:

As I’ve said before, I love scary movies. I love to be scared in scary movies. But once in a while comes a scene where the only thing keeping me in the seat is the death grip I have on the arm rests. The first time it happened to me was in Platoon when they were beating the villagers with their guns. I squirmed in my seat and kept looking at the exit as if I could will myself out of the theatre. The entire movie had been excruciatingly realistic, painful to watch and that particular scene was the worst. I wanted to stay because I felt it was an important movie, one I could learn from. It wasn’t a movie made to entertain.

That’s why I decided to give the award instead to a movie that was meant to entertain, The Descent, a horror movie about cave divers getting lost and encountering monsters. The one funny thing about the movie was that the monsters weren’t nearly as scary as the teeny tiny caves that they were trying to get through. For someone who is very claustrophobic (me me me) the scene in which one of the women gets stuck in a deep dark narrow tunnel was nauseating. Other movies not for the phobically inclined include Arachnophobia (spiders! Yick!) and the middle segment of Cat’s Eye with Robert Hays on a dizzingly high ledge.

9. Best DVD Revelation - Cloverfield

Cloverfield is one of my favorite movies of the year, containing one of my favorite monsters. I know many people couldn’t take the home video aspect, but for me that made it even more engrossing. I felt like I was actually there. I was certain that it would lose it’s effect on the small screen but happily it didn’t. I was just as absorbed. I was also able to stop, pause, slow mo- the scenes with the monster getting a better look and appreciation for it. The most interesting part for me though was the behind the scenes featurette which not only gave me a much better view of the entire monster, it revealed intriguing plot points that could easily be missed or didn’t make it into the movie at all. I won’t give it all away except for one tiny thing. It’s a baby! The humongous monster is only a infant and it’s rampaging the city is merely the actions of a poor scared baby monster crying out for it’s mommy! The creature fx people said they did this because they believed nothing could be worse than what a frightened trapped animal could do. Now I think it’s cute! Don’t you?

10. “Why don’t they have this feature on all DVDs?” award goes to Planet Terror

DVDs contain all kinds of special features: , director’s cuts, behind the scenes, commentaries, interviews and so on. A unique but kind of cute option on the Cabin Fever DVD, is called “Chick Vision”. With this feature activated, a pair of hands covers the screen during the scary extremely gory moments so you don’t have to cover your own eyes. It’s a cute if sexistly titled gimmick. The Return to House on Haunted Hill and Final Destination 3 both have little questions appear during the movie giving you different options such as being able to choose who lives or dies. It’s like a live version of those old “Choose your own adventure” books. This could be a very cool feature if only it was put in better movies.

But the award for “Why don’t they have that on all DVDs” definitely goes to Planet Terror because one of the audio tracks is an audience watching the movie along with you, recreating the excitement that one feels when you see a great movie with a large audience. Planet Terror is the perfect movie for this because it is made in the 70’s tradition with B movie gore thrown in (and over and around and..) It’s a great action-dark comedy-zombie movie. All the gasps, squeals and “ewwwww”s heard during the opening scene involving balls (not the bouncy kind) made it all the more funny and let you know right away what the tone of the movie is. People laughed at the appropriate parts and you can hear them scream or jump at the scares. Best of all - in the final action scene you can hear all the huge cheers, whooping and clapping when Rose McGowan turns her “disability” (lost leg) into her power (machine gun), she kicks major ass to save the day. The scene completely rocks and the ability to be able to share that experience over and over with an audience while in my own home is truly awesome.

Hi everyone! This is Craig’s Dad, and I would like to talk briefly about socks. Not White Sox or Red Sox, and definitely not “Old Sock Stew”, just plain old regular socks. I’m sure some of you are wondering what I could possibly have to say about socks that would be in the least bit interesting. Well I’m either going to surprise you or embarrass the hell out of myself and my son Craig.

I think it is interesting the way socks and the wearing of socks has evolved over the past fifty or so years. I’m not sure what it says about us as a culture and I’m sure it would be even more interesting if I could relate it to something significant like global warming or bias in the media. But after all, their just socks, so what do you expect from me?

When I was a kid you could always tell the “have” kids from the “have not” kids by their socks. If their socks stayed up around their calves they were definitely “have” kids. If, on the other hand, their socks slid down around their ankles they were poor, “have not” kids. You see, the elastic in their socks was shot and they couldn’t get them to stay up and they couldn’t afford new socks. Craig’s Mom says that she used to put rubber bands around her socks so they would stay up, but that just seems uncomfortable.

A few years ago my daughter started harassing me about the fact that I wore my socks pulled up. She was always squatting down and pushing them down around my ankles telling me how uncool I looked. When I would complain all I’d get was the infamous “Oh, Dad!”

Now, of course, the really “with it” people wear socks so short you can’t even tell they’re wearing any at all. We had socks like that in my younger days too. Of course they were socks so old they slid all the way down into your shoe and usually ended up wrapped tightly around your toes and the ball of your foot. Not really very comfortable or stylish.

Well what do you think? How does the change in the way we wear our socks reflect the change in our culture?

Today’s Teach Me Something Tuesday is brought to you by Ξ_Heather and TwoPi from 360 - The Math Blog.

A HISTORY OF CRUISES

This year we celebrate the 190th anniversary of passenger ships. The company that began the era was the Black Ball Line, offering service from Craig’s own New York all the way to England and back. Soon there were steamships going back and forth carrying people, mail, and even – on the Royal Mail Steam Packet — a cow for fresh milk. By 1844 pleasure cruises had evolved for their own sake instead of just transportation, and within 20 years there were all sorts of amenities such as electric lighting and entertainment. And except for little disruptions like world wars, the industry has continued to grow.

Of course, cruises are not without their risks. There’s the whole Titanic thing.

But there’s also the German Cruise ship Maipu, which sunk after being hit with US troopship General M. L. Hershey on a foggy morning in 1951.

(Don’t worry Craig, no one was killed.)

There’s the Greek Cruise Ship Neptunia which was almost certainly named after the half-human half-Atlantian Aquaria Nautica Neptunia and which was sadly grounded on a rock in Ireland in 1957.

(Don’t worry Craig, no one was killed.)

There’s the RMS Caronia, which had a hull that was painted not two, not three, but four fine shades of light green. It also boasted amenities like a bathroom in every room, which was fancy-dancy back in 1946. After a good long life it was sold, renamed the Caribia, and had an explosion in the engine room. She was sold for scrap, but while being towed to Taiwan in 1974 ran into a storm and sank. Poor Caribia.

(Don’t worry, Craig, no one was killed.)

But if cruising still appeals to you, it’s possible to spend more than just a week on the boat. In 1999, Bea Muller was on the Queen Elizabeth II when her husband died. She decided that she didn’t want to live alone in a retirement home, so she moved onto the QE2 and has been living there ever since, using e-mail to keep in touch with her landlocked family.

And what about today? At this very moment Royal Caribbean International is building the largest cruise ship ever, the Oasis of the Seas, which will hold 5400 guests and features rock walls, ziplining, and a moving bar. With all this fanciness set to launch in 2009, it makes one wonder just what the more distant future will hold.

NOW TELL US SOMETHING WE DON’T KNOW

Craig’s brother Adam here. I have been a fan of reality television since 1994 when I saw a marathon of the entire season of The Real World – Los Angeles on MTV. As far as I was concerned that was the peak for The Real World. San Francisco and London seasons were both very boring and I stopped watching. Until 1999 when I was in the US NAVY on my second Western Pacific Deployment aboard the USS Santa Fe. About 5 months into the 6-month deployment we pulled into Guam and since Guam has a giant Navy base we were all able to get barracks rooms to stay in for the week, which was a welcome treat after five months aboard the ship. Each of the rooms had television and guess what MTV was running that first weekend? It was The Real World – Hawaii season marathon. This was a great thing for a group of young homesick Hawaii based sailors to be watching a group of young people going to the same places we like to go and partying in the same clubs where we liked to party.

In any case, my point is that reality television is here to stay and I have been watching for a long time. Here are a few of the reality shows that I currently watch or watched in the past:

Reality Show: Survivor
What I Like: I think this was the first “main stream” reality show so you have to appreciate the fact that this show was the first to bring reality television to the masses. I started watching because everyone that I knew was watching it.
What I Hate: After watching two seasons of this show, it seemed to me that the people that won were always the ones that lied, bullied and cheated the most.
Why I Stopped Watching: I quickly got tired of watching the worst people win all the money.

Reality Show: Ice Road Truckers
What I Like: Just some regular guys trying to get a very difficult job done. Some of the guys are very smart hard working guys and others on the show are just a bunch of chuckleheads. It’s a broad cross section of humanity that is pretty fun to watch each week.
What I Hate: Season 1 took place on the Yellowknife ice roads. For season 2 they have taken four of the season 1 truck drivers and got them jobs driving on a different ice road further north and it feels a little contrived.
Why I Continue to Watch: So far the good outweighs the bad and the Sunday evening time slot makes it a great way to finish the weekend.

Reality Show: The Biggest Loser
What I Like: Just a bunch of normal people trying to lose weight. As someone that struggles with my weight, I find this show both entertaining and inspiring.
What I Hate: The show is a little too much like Survivor in that at the end of each show one of the players gets voted off the show. I think it would be better if the players were eliminated solely on the basis of weigh loss to eliminate a lot of the “game playing” that makes it almost impossible for the best players to make it into the finale.
Why I Continue to Watch: The good still out weighs the bad and it seems like they are constantly fine tuning the rules each season to ensure that the hardest working people make it further in the game.

Reality Show: Little People, Big World
What I Like: Just a nice normal family trying to lead a normal life on their farm selling pumpkins and peaches while overcoming the challenges of being little people.
What I Hate: The first season they were a nice normal family working several jobs to make ends meet. After the first season, it’s apparent that the Roloff Family has hit the big time. Remodeling their entire house, going on vacation every other week, etc., it’s all very contrived.
Why I Stopped Watching: After the first season, I just could not identify with the Roloff Family anymore.

Reality Show: Shear Genius
What I Like: Yes, I am a straight man and I like to watch a reality show about a bunch of hairdressers. But these are not fabulously wealthy hairdressers to the stars, these are real down to earth people. Some have been in the business for many years and some are fairly new to the business and they compete each week doing a job that they love. Besides that, I have had a crush on Jaclyn Smith since the late 70’s.
What I Hate: Sometimes the contestants get saddled with a client that is hard to deal with. For example, a client that doesn’t want their hair cut or colored. Why are these people on the show?!!! Don’t they understand the premise of the show?!!!
Why I Continue to Watch: What’s not to like about this show? Real people, a fair competition, Jaclyn Smith, this show has it all.

Reality Show: Project Runway
What I Like: Okay now I know that my manhood is really in question here but hear me out. It’s very similar to Shear Genius. Real People competing in a contest doing something they love and the beautiful host, Heidi Klum.
What I Hate: I am totally clueless when it comes to fashion so the designer that I think is the best never wins.
Why I Continue to Watch: Again… What’s not to like about this show?!!!

So there you have it, my take on reality TV. In case you did not see the pattern, I like real people doing real things. I don’t enjoy watching rich and fabulous people spend 60 minutes each week showing me how fabulous they are or how much money they can spend. Yeah, I am looking at you, Real Housewives and Gene Simmons. And I also don’t like when reality shows deal in matters of the heart like The Bachelor and The Bachelorette.

So tell me what you think about reality TV.

Me and my sister leave on our week long cruise to Bermuda tomorrow morning. We’re too nervous to be excited, but everyone assures us we’ll have a great time, so I guess we’re just being nervous Nellies. I have some guest posts lined up for the week I’m gone, which I’m sure you’ll enjoy as long as they self-publish the way I programmed them to. Fingers crossed!

I hope everyone has a great week! I’ll see you when I’m tanner more relaxed!

On July 18th, winner of the 2008 Bloggie for Best GLBT Weblog, Perez Hilton posted THIS POST about Mischa Barton, cleverly insinuating (without specifically stating) that she was falling down drunk.

On July 21st, PerezRevenge.com posted their version of the story, showing pictures taken at the same time, of her bending down to pet a dog. CHECK IT OUT!

Very interesting! Clearly pictures can be used to tell whatever story you want. I know which story I believe!

Everyone is going nuts for the Katy Perry song “I Kissed a Girl”. It may be catchy and all, but it is a total rip off of the Jill Sobule song of the same name, which is a million times better:

Jill Sobule is also the singer of my theme song “Supermodel”:

I never miss an opportunity to take camera phone pictures of things that amuse me. I went through my camera phone last night and decided to post some of my favorites:

The train just got bombed by a terrorist and you want me to ninja my way through the durable looking plexiglass window with the thick rubber molding? I don’t think so.

This poor guy was walking down a crowded New York City street twirling this contraption around. His shirt said “MERRY MAKES THE WORLD GO ROUND”. I have no idea what that means.

A magazine called Watch Time. Wild!

Um, what? Is it going to explode or something?

So immature.

This is my hairy leg after Harley fell into the pool. I was in the pool with him and he was struggling like crazy to pull himself out. But I had to pull him over to the stairs so he wouldn’t scratch the liner. So he scratched me instead.

Barclay Street. Like Lieutenant Barclay from Star Trek who used to use the Holodeck to fulfill his sexual fantasies. My hero!

Me modeling my new glasses.

Head over to the fabulous blog Evolving Revolver run by the lovely and talented Juliet. You’ll remember her from our heated Martha vs Oprah debate, which I totally won. But then again I pretend to win all my debates. Speaking of debates, where the heck have they been lately? Oh don’t worry, I have a few in the pipeline.

Anyway, she started a new feature called Red Wine Teeth where she and a guest get drunk off red wine and dish about hot topics! And she asked me to be the very first guest! How fantastic! CHECK IT OUT HERE!