1. After my morning cup of coffee, I like to have a glass of Tropicana orange juice. Does the sugar in orange juice counteract any health benefits?
2. I’ve been obsessed with my new and improved love handles. Can I cause kidney damage by poking them so much?
3. Gay guys aren’t superficial, right? They will love me for my big, sexy brain? Related: How rich do I have to be before people don’t care how fat I am?
4. Why are Wii Fits sold out everywhere? Can someone get me one? Is it pathetic that I think a Wii Fit will help?
5. If I concentrate really hard, can I have Will’s body from So You Think You can Dance?
Picture from wonderfully talented Puntabulous reader Matt from Michigan.
6. I’ve given up soda except on special occasions (pizza, long car trips, movies) and eating after 8:00PM. Can someone please give me a pat on the back?
7. Which should be made a priority before going on my cruise? My softness? Or my shoulder hair?
8. If I get the size 34 pants to my suit let out because the last two times I wore it I wanted to shoot myself in the face, but the label still says 34, can I still say they’re size 34 pants?
9. What other nuggets of health and fitness knowledge can you pass on to a dorky boy such as myself?
10. How long can I ask questions such as these, while avoiding the whole “working out” issue, before you guys lose respect for me?
When all else fails, I’ve got one word for you: lipo.
no, no, no, bwahahaha, ?, Du’h, no, yes, no, pat, #1, yes, ____, forever
1. No, but your stomach will be an acidic mess.
2. Poking, no. Stabbing, yes.
3. I can’t speak for Gaysâ„¢ as a whole, but of course I am superficial. There is a money:fat ratio, however.
4. Wii boxing is more physical than anything I’ve ever done in a gym.
5. No.
6. Diet Coke is a girl’s best friend.
7. The shoulder hair.
8. Yes. I would even recommend stitching a 32W Paul Smith label on a 34W H&M suit.
9. Start a regular exercise program before you turn 30.
10. Depends on the money:fat ratio, really.
What you need is a boot camp program to get you motivated and in shape! come on Puntab readers, take your goddamn skirts off and push craig, imagine the pictures he will show when he is rock solid and sporting a six pack instead of drinking one!
Everyone hates going up one size, but when you wear your new clothes that aren’t too tight it makes you feel like you’ve lost weight. Yeah, it’s just an illusion, but it feels good for a while.
*gives Craig a pat on the back*
and a *smooch*
vuboq hates exercising, and wonders what kind of lardbutt he’s going to become when he stops walking to work … *sigh*
From Amy’s Magic 8 Ball:
1. No
2. No
3. Obnoxiously
4. Possibly
5. Not likely
6. Certainly
7. Should Hair For God’s Sake Man
8. Yes
9. Sex burns calories. Rent porn.
10. It’s Over Dude.
1. If it’s naturally sweetened, no sugar added, then it’s OK. But it’s still sugar. I have a big glass of water first thing every morning. It’s the best thing you can do for yourself that doesn’t involve actual exercise.
2. I’m not even going to humor this with a response.
3. Hi, I’m from planet Earth. Let me know when you’ve arrived. In response to your other query: ask David Furnish.
4. I have no idea. I have no idea. I have no idea.
5. No.
6. I’ll give you a pat on the head and another glass of water.
7. If you don’t plan on taking off your shirt, go with the hair. Otherwise…
8. Whatever makes you happy, baby.
9. How much time do you have?
10. Well, I’d have to have some to begin with in order to lose it, right? KIDDING! I’M KIDDING! As long as you need to, baby.
Puntabulous readers: this is a cry for help. Anyone within driving distance of Craig needs to go get him away from his computer and out of his house. Someone find a blind date for him. Hurry! The man is about to implode. I’m only partially joking here… my Mom radar is buzzing.
1. No
2. Unlikely
3. As rich as those disgusting rapper guys on MTV with the half naked chickies writhing on their car while they huff and puff their way through a song about how hot they are in bed. *gag*
4. Wii fit is popular, just don’t let anyone videotape you doing the hula hoop thingy and put it on YouTube, THAT is funny.
5. Not likely
6. pat pat pat, just drink diet.
7. Its not much hair, go with the softness.
8. Oh yeah, definitely
9. None, I’m a poor poor example to follow. Cheesecake anyone?
10. The fact that you are even acknowledging it and not joining me in the land of denial give me immeasurable respect for you.
I think the hardest thing for me was portion control. I stopped eating a lot of preservatives. I started buying “whole foods”. Like masada bakery breads and whole vegetables. Another thing I’d do is cook a big meal for myself. Put the amount i was going to eat on a plate and then instantly put the rest of the food in tupperware in the fridge so I wouldn’t be tempted to have seconds or thirds.
Also, something I reccomend to anyone trying to lose weight is http://www.sparkpeople.com it’s free, you can setup your goal weight and when you want to lose it by and it does all the work for you. YOu can even make a grocery list and it will tell you, based on your list, what to have for each meals. try it out. and you know that i’m only interested in your huge brain.
treadmill, 1 hr at least 3x a week. That’s all it’ll take. Just sayin.
Here it is, the point in your life where you have to decide a little flab, or a lot of exercise and salad.
Just remember this:
When Lois got fat on Family Guy her and Peter found that “fat sex” was the hottest sex they have ever had!
The shoulder hair is easily taken care of and should be priority. Besides sweating hurts.
BTW, I thought about you while watching Family Guy the other night. Stewie thought he was going on a cruise with Peter and Lois and said:
“Just think Brian, an hour from now I’ll be surrounded by seamen….sperm whales and seamen….Oh look a swallow!
1) Not if the coffee kills you first.
I hope mens’ sizes are different than womens’ or I’m really depressed.
2) You’re asking the wrong person.
3) See # 2
4) No ,but you’re speaking to someone who spent a fortune on the whole ‘Richard Simmons Sweating to the oldies’ series, used it for a month and then used the excuse “Well, it’s not on DVD” to let it gather dust.
5) Hurray for the Power of Positive Thinking!
6) Pat Pat
7) Remember the hair may protect you from shoulder sunburn.
9) I love my laziest ever made mini exercise bike, You can lay down and watch tv while doing it.
10) As funny and amusing as this post is – I still don’t know what the heck you talking about. Your side of the family got the tall thin gene and you are the tallest (aren’t you like 6’3??) and thinnest! You are perfect just the way you are!
I’m only going to answer the most important one….shoulder hair!!!! And here’s a pat….(on the back, not an androgynous person)
1. I’m not sure. I don’t drink coffee or juice, so I can’t say.
2. Nope. Mine are just fine and unfortunately, still there.
3. No one really cares how fat you are except you. Seriously.
4. Don’t know. I’m sure *someone* can. No it is not.
5. I don’t know, but if it works tell me, I need to start concentrating.
6. Excellent start!
7. I’m going to go with self acceptance. Buy a speedo and develop a Eurpoean accent, no one will look twice and some may be attracted by the accent.
8. Only you know for sure.
9. I have found that for me, doing cardio for 20 minutes twice a day works best. Once in the morning and once at night. I’ve been known to hit the free weights 3 times a week (every other day) but I fell off that wagon, it’s still in sight though…
10. Can you lose something you have never had? Kidding! Just remember, you can always say you are in shape. Round is a shape.
In all seriousness, don’t worry about it. You’ve already started watching what you eat, continue to make small changes and try to increase your exercising. You could walk or pick up some light barbells and do some basic weight training (where it Dave S. when you need him?) I’m sure you will be back to fighting weight in no time. And if not, who cares as long as you are healthy.
I would like to thank the punbtabulous readers for using my name twice this week!
Air kisses,
Richard Simmons
john: #7. Too funny. Don’t forget some gold chains!
1. My husband and I drink Tropicana oj every morning, too. There’s a commercial for Tropicana acai raspberry juice narrated by some woman with a weird British-ish accent. Her pronunciation of Tropicana is so ridiculous. Now we have to pronounce it that way, too. Trohpicaaaahna.
3. Steve Wozniak fat?
6. Big pats on the back.
7. Shoulder hair.
9. I’m afraid you’ll have to exercise. I second RayRay – invest in a treadmill, put it in front of the tv. Eliminating fast food and cutting down on alcohol will help, too. And don’t quit if you slip up.
Craig,
I can only answer two of your questions. As a fat man, I don’t feel qualified to do more than that.
1. The sugar in your Tropicana is mostly fructose which is a better sugar for you than sucrose and won’t adversely effect any health benefits.
10. You get one more.
#3:My new friend Michelle has a point, I’d cuddle with Steve Wozniak! But not just because he’s a billionare. After seeing him on My life on the D-List with Kathy Griffin, I think he’s really cute and cuddly.
And I’d cuddle with you Craig anytime!
Yay Mark! I love the hilarious Kathy Griffin. Now we can be besties!
Craig, all you have to do is finish your children’s book and make oodles of money as the next J.K. Rowling. Then you can eat your fill of Super Viagra cookies and buffalo chicken dip.
1. I’m on a low-GI diet, so for me, yes. For you, it’s possible, but I don’t think so. It would be better if you just ate an orange, though.
2. Definitely not.
3. If you were actually fat, very rich. But I think someone as tall as you who is still able to fit into a 34 waist (albeit uncomfortably) isn’t exactly on the fast track to obesity.
4. No idea.
5. I’m going to go with yes. So long as while you’re concentrating you’re also lifting really heavy weights.
6. Good job! Small steps add up to a lot.
7. Shoulder hair! Please.
8. Sure. I cut all the tags out of my pants and call everything I wear “one size fits all” if asked.
9. I second Joe’s sparkpeople recommendation!
10. I think you know the answer to that.
Sorry I’ve been so quiet today! I spent all morning trying to update my damn iPhone to version 2.0 and the Apple servers were down. Now I’m off to a wedding!
Thanks to everyone for their comments and advice today!
Michelle: Totally, Craig will need a medallion to pull the look off. Either that or an Italian Horn pendant.
What. No Comment from Dave S. What has happened? Oh noeeeessss…
Ahh, there are plenty of ways to deal with this without the dreaded working out.
I’m on that 34/36 line myself. I held it off for a while by switching to diet soda, but I’m running out of non-exercise options.
I’m a little late on this one — it was a busy Friday last week with all the news interviews and whatnot about my iPhone
— but I gotta weigh in on this one. (of course)
The #1 thing that I can’t stress enough is that health and wellness needs to come from wanting to improve life through health and not just to look better. Not a single person is happy with their body. There’s always something that you hate or that you think needs to improve or ultimately are unhappy about. It’s a deadend.
But if your motivation is health, then it makes all the difference in the world. I originally started leading a healthier lifestyle because I simply wasn’t keeping up with (at the time) my 2 and 3-year-old. I was getting regular heart arhythmia (sp?). I needed to get healthier not only so I could be a good dad, but also so I could live longer.
So don’t be motivated by appearance — it’ll fall flat every time since our own view of our own bodies is hopelessly flawed.
But the bonus is that as you live a healthier lifestyle, getting a better body does eventually follow.
Your outlook is always more important that what you look like on the outside.
Oh, and I almost forgot: Your ability to not eat after 8pm is absolutely phenomenal!!! I’ve tried to do that on and off for the past decade of my life and have failed every time I’ve tried. The fact that you’re capable of doing that is, from my perspective, truly incredible.
You’ll get a hardy pat on the back from me on that one!
Craig, if you visit gaygamer.net you’ll find one of their writers writes a weekly column on his weight loss and health using Wii Fit. it might inspire you… once you find one, of course.
Asking whether to deal with your shoulder hair or your softness is like asking whether to put clothes on or to clean your messy apartment before your mom comes over. One is relatively easy to do and good to do and the other can be done at least partially after doing the first.
Oo. Ryan R. waxes philosophic. Nice.
I was going to add that Captain Caveman had significantly more unsightly hair and he still got to hang with the Teen Angels…
Zowie Dave S. Just how old are you? An added benefit of Cavey’s hair was the ability to store objects in it. Wonder what Craig would hide away…
Have you tried a tapeworm?? They’re the best! I named mine “Tapey”.
I have to agree with Dave, you have to want to do it for yourself or it will never work out (ha!). When I decided to get a trainer and really hit the gym hard, it was not because I felt the need to show off in muscle shirts or I needed some sort of validation from other people, it was because I was tired of being tubby and I wanted to do something about it. I didn’t need the compliments either, though that helped a bit in the motivation.
As for Wii Fit, I am really trying to find one, too, and I think it will help just because it will get you off your butt. The good news is there are a lot of new games coming out that are more challenging that the pack in game.
For my age, I am pretty skinny and not very muscular. I want to gain muscle to look more toned in the bicep, ab, chest, and forearm regions. I have the proper equipment, such as Bench Press and Hand Weights. What is is good workout regime I could do. Also, I want a diet regime, not to lose weight, but gain muscle and also gain some weight. I know protein is good, but what else should I eat. . So if anyone has a good workout, and diet regime, could you help me.. . Thanks in advance.. Does anyone have an actual protein diet they use, like….. . Breakfast- ?. Lunch- ?. Dinner- ?.