Aug
13
I make no secret of my fascination with online personal ads. I love them. And the trashier the better! I don’t meet people from them, I just enjoy them for their entertainment value. It’s like people-watching from the comfort of my own home! Like going to Central Park in your feetie pajamas, if you will. After reading my fair share of personal ads, I’ve come across a lot of the same terms and phrases and decided to give you a handy guide to understanding them:
Boi: It’s like “boy” but with an i! Because boy just takes so long to type, they needed to shorten it. Oh wait. No. It’s not shortened at all. It’s exactly the same amount of letters. So, um, what’s the point? And tell me which is worse: A 30 year old man calling themselves a boi (conceited!) or a 50 year old man in search of a boi (creepy!)?
Vers: Short for “versatile”, this means that they enjoy giving as much as receiving, which — contrary to how it sounds — has nothing to do with the Christmas spirit. Oh, and they’re probably lying to make themselves seem more appealing.
Fun: “Fun” doesn’t mean a rousing game of Hungry Hungry Hippos. It means sex. However you can guarantee that balls will be going into mouths.
Maybe More: As in “looking for friends, maybe more” which means “under no circumstances do I want a relationship, I’m just saying it’s a possibility so we can keep getting it on.”
Discreet: Married.
VGL: “Very Good Looking”. What ever happened to a little modesty? Everyone knows that if you’re asked to rate your looks on a scale of 1 to 10, you’re supposed to bring your personal opinion down two notches, and allow the other person to say “Oh no! You’re much higher than that!” But if anyone ever writes just GL, then you’re in trouble, because they’re probably uggo.
Masc: Short for “masculine”. When describing themselves, people enjoy throwing around the word “masculine”, not because they enjoy monster truck rallies and deer hunting. It just means they’re not one of those homos you can see floating down the street from a mile away, and you better not be one either.
No Drama: Doesn’t everyone hate drama? Has anyone ever said “I love drama!” as in “If you try and break it off with me, I’ll call you every fifteen minutes and show up at your place of work!” Saying “no drama” is useless because humans are dramatic creatures by nature, and it is ridiculous to just say “no drama” and expect people to obey. Oh, and people who say they hate drama, are the most dramatic queens you’ll ever meet.
NSA: “No Strings Attached”. Like the first single of the NSync album of the same name, they will be saying “Bye Bye Bye” before your head even hits the pillow.
LTR: “Long Term Relationship”. Long is all relative. Uness you ask for it in inches. Even then, it’s still a bit iffy.
Fats: As in “No fats!” as in “I’m super gorgeous and only want other super gorgeous people to reply to me, and even the idea of deleting your fat, disgusting message to me makes me want to binge and purge.” Using the word fat in this way makes me think of potato chip bags that say “No Trans Fats Added!” Why not say “fatties”? We all know what you mean, and you’re obviously throwing all sense of politeness out the window, so why not just go the whole nine yards? Besides, who doesn’t like a little cushion with their pushin?
Open-minded: Don’t be alarmed if I ask you to pee on me.
What have been your experiences with personal ads? Any terms I’m forgetting?
August 13th, 2008 at 7:54 am
I don’t know if I should laugh at or be afraid, very afraid of this post…so I think I will laugh! Great job Craig, this feels like a teach me something Wednesday because I sure learned alot of terminology that I didn’t know before!
August 13th, 2008 at 8:03 am
Well, I’m not the connoisseur of personals that you are, but I see many ones with “bi-curious” which seems to mean they haven’t even admitted to themselves they are gay but still want to have some fun with the same sex with no guilt, after all, they were just “curious” and now they can go back to their straight lives.
August 13th, 2008 at 8:13 am
I can honestly tell you that I’ve never read a personal ad in my life, so like Hayden said — this is like a Teach Me Something Wednesday.
But, hey, now that I’m almost single, maybe I should start. Hmm, I wonder how I would write my own… (of course it would probably sound cheesy and come with the voice of Jim Lange…)
Best line ever: “…who doesn’t like a little cushion with their pushin?” Damn, that’s funny.
August 13th, 2008 at 8:26 am
BTW: You have the entire office laughing this morning.
August 13th, 2008 at 8:49 am
SWM - which obviously stands for Single White Male. But when I first read a couple of these many many years ago, in my youthful innocence, I thought it meant Straight White Male…which really made me wonder why they were advertising in gay personal ads.
D&D Free - this means drug and disease free, NOT that they’ve never been a dwarf in a role-playing game…although that could be a whole other fetish thing…
OH, and Dave S., if you’re placing a personal ad, what you write isn’t going to be all the important. Just make sure you post a picture of your abs, that’s all they’re gonna need to see.
HUGS…
August 13th, 2008 at 8:56 am
My favorite is how they all say they’re looking for “sane” guys. Somehow I doubt the truly insane have access to the Internet in their institutions, much less are they capable of responding to an add that doesn’t even use real language.
Oh, and my favorite sentence ever written on Puntabulous: “Don’t be alarmed if I ask you to pee on me.” You’re a genius, Craig!
August 13th, 2008 at 8:56 am
holy crap dude, this is hysterical… truly…
oh craig, why are you so damn funny (and cute!)
August 13th, 2008 at 8:57 am
Spicy and funny post. Just when you thought Puntabulous was getting TOO family-friendly. I once tried to use personals to actually make new friends. Yeah, right, that went well. I did actually make friends on MiRC, not sure anyone remembers that anymore. Before the chat rooms on the Internet? Man, I’m old.
August 13th, 2008 at 8:58 am
Okay Polt, my first thought was cool, you get a free board game AND a date. Guess I’m out of the loop.
August 13th, 2008 at 9:00 am
PNP - which means “party and play” or in other words, “I’m so afraid of sex and the remote possibility of intimacy that I can only do it when I’m totally fucked up on drugs.”
August 13th, 2008 at 9:07 am
A post with pictures of my parents doing Wii Fit and I’m suddenly family friendly?
Maybe we should consider this my Miley Cyrus on the cover of Vanity Fair post.
August 13th, 2008 at 9:18 am
When I’m bored I check out Yahoo personals (w/ photos) from different cities just to spot the guys that are lying about their age. Like the ones who say they are 32 but from their pic it’s obvious they are closer to 52. Either they are lying or they have had a very rough 32 years.
August 13th, 2008 at 9:50 am
right up there with the people who say “no drama” are the people who say “tired of games” “no game players” etc. This is a disappointment to me whenever i show up to a guy’s house with Clue, Monopoly or Dream Date in hand.
August 13th, 2008 at 10:01 am
“it drives me krazy” - I am a guy posing as a girl with the intent of posting your responses on the internet.
Warning - NSFW:
http://www.encyclopediadramatica.com/RFJason_Craigslist_Experiment#The_Experiment
August 13th, 2008 at 10:59 am
Shockingly, I have had relatively good luck with online personals (one “LTR,” a few instances of “fun”), but for some reason newspaper ones freak me out; all that work, much less payoff/word-count….I don’t know. Thinking about the type of person who would do that instead of filling out a free online form leads my brain to dark, Unabomber-who-just-wants-to-show-you-his-vast-collection-of-little-red-satin-pillows-embroidered-with-puppies places. Though I was roommates once with someone who actually was the “you” of one of those “saw you on the train, sexy-pants” Missed Connections ads, and even ended up on a couple of dates with the guy! She experienced neither “drama” nor “being chased down a hallway with a chainsaw.” So I guess you never know.
Also: now I won’t be able to look at a potato chip bag without thinking of the plight of my obese transsexual brethren, rejected even by snack foods. Thanks, Craig.
August 13th, 2008 at 11:00 am
“Oh, and people who say they hate drama, are the most dramatic queens you’ll ever meet”
::giggle::
Yeah.
August 13th, 2008 at 11:03 am
Maybe we should just start making up abbreviations. Like, CU (Completely Undateable), or UTAWOC (Uglier Than Amy Winehouse On Crack).
August 13th, 2008 at 11:06 am
BeRightBack: Yes! Newspaper personals definitely make me wonder. I also wonder about people who have online pics where you can tell that it’s a scanned copy of a picture, rather than a digital original. Do I really want to date someone who doesn’t have access to a digital camera?
August 13th, 2008 at 11:21 am
Craig: well, actually, I don’t have a digital camera. But at least I get my photos developed onto a CD so I can put them easily on my computer! Right? Can I still post here? Hello? Criag? Still there?
….Hello? Oh, it’s just you again, Sk8rBoiD2ThaMoines? Sigh. All right, tell me about your Elvis commemorative stamp collection. I’ll get comfortable with some trans fats.
….Yes, that means I’m cheating on you. And no, I don’t think skinny Elvis has “smarmy eyes.” Okay, maybe a little.
August 13th, 2008 at 11:23 am
Oops. Sorry BeRightBack. I’m of course referring to scanned pictures, with pictures of 1970’s cars in the background. Who are they trying to kid? We can tell they’re old.
…Did I save myself? Or am I just digging deeper.
Love me.
August 13th, 2008 at 11:23 am
Personals scare me. I don’t think I could ever meet up with someone based on only a few lines of text that I’m supposed to decipher. However, I do enjoy reading them on occasion. I find Craigslist’s to be the funniest, since, if it’s even possible, they have the least amount of tact.
Dave S.: I don’t think UTAWOC would work as an acronym as that’s a physical impossibility for anyone else to achieve.
August 13th, 2008 at 11:33 am
Craig: So you’re saying I should change my Manhunt pic from that cloudy scanned Polaroid showing me ankle-deep in a kiddie pool filled with glistening cubes of cherry jello, my ample frame supported by a macrame lawn chair and squeezed into Gee, your Hair Smells Terrific promotional silk-screeened T-shirt and a pair of frayed-to-the-balls Daisy Dukes as I toast the camera with a Hamm’s?
Oh who am I kidding. I swapped in that photo of me crouching naked and roast-pig-like with an 8-track tape clutched between my teeth ages ago.
August 13th, 2008 at 11:35 am
I think I’ve driven traffic from this thread enough for one morning. See you again soon, Craig!
August 13th, 2008 at 11:38 am
::checks to see if BeRightBack is a Manhunt screenname::
Nope. Dang.
August 13th, 2008 at 11:42 am
My favorite is the ad with no pictures that demand you unlock your private photos inorder to contact them.
Of course there are also those guys who have been “39″ for 20 years. Since I’m 39 people say I look good for my age, then I have to tell them I don’t look good for my age I’m just not lying about it.
The extreme closeups of “junk” and other body parts not meant for photography as a main pic, is that really the first impression they want to make? I figure they are what they are showing me.
August 13th, 2008 at 11:48 am
I need some brain bleach there BeRightBack. Thanks for that visual. NOT!
August 13th, 2008 at 11:59 am
” Love me.” Craiggers, what do you think I’ve been trying to do all these years?
ExAstrisScientia: aren’t photos of….junk appropriate if all you’re looking for is NSA fun for the night and not a LTR or more?
HUGS….
August 13th, 2008 at 12:02 pm
BeRightBack: “…squeezed into Gee, your Hair Smells Terrific promotional silk-screened T-shirt…” Damn, that’s funny.
August 13th, 2008 at 12:06 pm
Polt,
If all you want is a dick, that’s probably what you’ll end up with. I hear that Milton Berle was quite well endowed, but I would NEVER go there, so be careful of when your “shopping the junk”
August 13th, 2008 at 12:48 pm
I always laugh at the ads that are like:
“Kind, gentle man seeks soulmate enjoys discussing great works of literature, watching classic movies, getting greased up and made to squeal like a pig in a sling, romantic dinners, and long walks on the beach. No freaks.”
P.S. “No freaks” usually means “I’m already the drama freak in this relationship so don’t you be one too.”
August 13th, 2008 at 12:54 pm
Some of my favorite phrases from Craigslist…
“Seeks dom” = I’m going to lie down during sex and expect you to do all the work.
“No recip” = I have this fantasy of having an orgasm without any effort on my part whatsoever. Like NSA to the power of 10.
“Straight/Married” = Totally gay, but I don’t like body grooming and have a gut. You’ll fulfill your “straight guy” fantasy and I don’t have to make an effort to look like I care about my appearance.
“dd free” = Stands for drugs/disease free. What it really means is “I haven’t been tested for anything in a while, there are no obvious sores, and I don’t have health insurance, so please don’t give me anything.”
“I have pics for trade” = I’m not great looking, but if you seem really nondiscriminating, I’ll email them to you later.
August 13th, 2008 at 1:09 pm
Okay, at this point, I gotta say this is the most entertaining comment string that I’ve experienced on Puntabulous for quite some time (and there’ve been some good ones lately). You guys are a riot.
August 13th, 2008 at 1:29 pm
BeRightBack made me snort! That is some funny writing right there.
So, when they lie about being versatile does that mean they are total tops or big nelly bottoms?
And Craig, how freaking clever is to down grade your own opinion of your looks by 2 to get the “oh you’re higher than that”! Genius I tell you!
August 13th, 2008 at 1:51 pm
Craig, a totally entertaining post and I’m in agreement about this being Teach Me Wednesday.
(And not just teach me, I’m at work in a room I’m not usually in and several other folk have asked me about this site as I sit here reading….I’d better get back to doing some work now to maintain my non-street cred.)
August 13th, 2008 at 2:09 pm
S: Love the “no freaks” line right after some freaky deaky interests.
Jerekeys: Love your explanation for the “straight/married”! That’s genius!
John: It’s precisely why I tell people I’m a 10. So they can be all like “Oh no! You are most certainly a 12!”
Ξ_Heather: Bonus points for spreading the Puntabulous gospel!
August 13th, 2008 at 2:47 pm
You know, in spite of all the weird stuff you find online, I’ve also found my boyfriend of almost ten years (we live together) online. Wasn’t on a dating site though, it was on text chat on IRC (internet relay chat). All I had to go on at first was a screen name, which I actually didn’t like, PetBoy. I thought it was something kinky, but he was just expressing how he liked PetShopBoys
Good thing I cleared that out fast.
August 13th, 2008 at 2:50 pm
Craig: Okay, you caught me. I must admit to being a bit dishonest.
I must confess that I am not the hairy chunk of be-denimed man-meat I may have led you to believe I am; rather, like most anonymous denizens of the internet, my 700-pound frame floats serenely in a softly churning, nutrient-rich bath heated to precisely my body-temperature; my muscles, long since atrophied from prolonged disuse, are completely immobile save for those governing the movement of my eyes, one of which is trained on a carefully-positioned series of monitors showing my favorite websites (Daily Puppy, Call of the Cthulhu, The Official Site of the popular Canadian comics strip For Better or For Worse, robust vestiture emporium RawHides.com, the “Vinyl and Porcelain Dolls” subsection of the Franklin Mint website, a site specializing in “fan-fic” that features characters from the popular television program The O.C., and, of course, Puntabulous) while the other twitches and squints in a code decipherable only to my faithful undersecretary Mathilde, who transcibes my efforts at expression with touching fidelity into the various forums where I while away my days, preserving even my syntactical errors, which she termed “blinkos” one night in a fit of levity; I believe she’d hit the digestive biscuits and absinthe rather hard that night, as is her wont from time to time.
I hope you don’t think any less of me for my confession, Beloved Craig. To further cleanse my conscience, I must divulge that my Manhunt profile name is, as you may have already surmised from the above self-description, “TwinkBoi69.” But I must implore you: no drama pls! Mathilde is quite saucy enough for one household.
August 13th, 2008 at 3:02 pm
BeRightBack: You crack me up! “Mathilde is quite saucy enough for one household.” might be my favorite sentence ever. I love the word “saucy” when describing someone.
And fan-fic featuring characters from the popular television show The O.C. is a post for another day!
August 13th, 2008 at 3:11 pm
BeRightBack: you had me at nutrient rich bath.
And Craig, look who’s being saucy now, expecting the “you’re totally a 12!”
August 13th, 2008 at 3:30 pm
For some reason, Craig, your post made me want to listen to Morrissey’s “You’re the One for Me, Fatty”; I love that song.
August 13th, 2008 at 3:35 pm
ExAstrisScientia: well, sometimes, all I want is a dick.
And I too heard Berle was well endoweled, and whilst I doubt I would have enjoyed it, I definitely WOULD have gone there, cause then I could see how big AND I would have been able to sell my story to the National Enquirer for an unGodly sum of money.
And then I’d be able to go on Craigslist and place this ad:A man with a larger than Milton Berle sized dick, and you better not try to fool me, cause I’ve seen the real thing. Oh, and no drama or freaks.
HUGS…
August 13th, 2008 at 3:59 pm
Ironically, OUT.com has an article about the founder of Manhunt being a “liberal republican” who gives money to McCain. Talk about big dicks!
article
August 13th, 2008 at 4:09 pm
lol Polt!
Too bad they don’t have an “Uncle Miltie” down at your local adult toy store!
“It fun for a girl or a boy!”
August 13th, 2008 at 4:41 pm
I go to work for one day and there are a billion comments?!
Anyway, it took me so long to understand just the basic vernacular, like BBW and stuff. But since I have like 18 guys who want on, I don’t really look at personal ads anyway.
And yeah, Craig, you’re right about lowering your score on a 1-10 scale. Like when I’m talking to friends, I’ll say “He’s too good-looking for me” just so they’ll say “What?! You are soo gorgeous!”
I think that we should all post our own personal ads now!
August 13th, 2008 at 4:53 pm
Ryan R. - I love encyclopedia dramatica!
August 13th, 2008 at 5:24 pm
Very funny post! I learned some new terms. When I was first coming out I looked at some personal ads. I couldn’t relate to any of it, and actually found it rather depressing that this was the “gay world” I was entering. Fortunately I realized that the world is a big place, and I could chart my own course.
Some time ago I was introduced to a friend of a friend on IM. In his profile he had some weird capital letters that looked like an acronym. He was rather flirty so I assumed it was some sort of “Personal Add Vernacular”. But I had no idea what it could possibly mean and a Google search did not help. I was concerned that he may have been into some exotic fetish. So I asked him what it mean. It turns out that the characters appeared to be the skyline of his alma mater when seen in the AOL IM client in a symbolic font. Since I was using the Gaim (NKA Pidgin) IM client at the time it just showed the letters without the font.
August 13th, 2008 at 6:18 pm
So this post got Ξ_Heather and I talking, and I mentioned that I had once placed a personal ad (roughly a year before we met, and five before we got married). On hearing that revelation she said I just had to post a comment…
Summertime, in Madison Wisconsin. My best friend and I are sitting on The Terrace (only in July there is no ice on the lake), quaffing beer and jokingly reading the personals in the local free weekly paper.
See, this was (just) before The Onion started up, so there was only one local free paper with which to wile the time away, while avoiding studying.
Anyways, reading the personals morphed into a game of writing personal ads for ourselves, as a lark. The first few were a bit too… earnest? Big on the “talking” and “long walks” thing. (Oh gohd, what if I google “long walk” and it turns out to be hip urban slang for some abominable sex act? Gah!)
By the end of the exercise [read: by the end of the third pitcher of beer], I’d decided that by golly I was going to SEND IN an actual personal ad to this paper. My friend vetoed my first attempt:
And I guess I owe him for that bit of good judgement.
What ended up in the paper:
The ad ran, I felt smug. Joke in paper, laughs all around, mission accomplished. And then…
A letter. In the mail. Forwarded to me from the paper.
Ew.
The response was as cryptic as the ad that had elicited it, and I didn’t bother to reply. It was all too random, too scary. And left me wishing I’d put “Send photo” at the end of my ad!
/end short shameful confession
August 13th, 2008 at 7:44 pm
And now it is time to hear from the people who don’t leave comments while they are at work.
The whole subject of what is delicately known as “online dating” is a gold mine for bloggers. I wrote about my suggestions at my old blog.
And, because the people at the office haven’t laughed enough yet, here is my all time favorite from craigs list.
WARNING! THE WHORE’S HUSTLE & THE HUSTLERS WHORE
Please help me identify the homeless, neurotic, crackhead who came over to my home in Midtown this morning to hang out naked and watch porn, but who disappeared suddenly w/money, my girls stuff & a 12′inch Monster Dick Double-sided dildo he must of snuck out of my home submerged completely in his gaping, unfillable hole. Early 20’s. 5′8to 5′10ft tall. Brwn hair w/Dark complexion. Slim. He had a tribal tattoo on his RT arm but was more nelly and Queenie than Elton John’s Florist when she does drag dressed as Judy Garland. Said his name was Ryder, but I doubt it now.
He’s sportin $300 of my money and is undoubtedly janked to Jesus and probably walking funny. I’m also missing a fire extinguisher. Please e-mail me if this description matches someone you know. Save someone else from this depressing event.
August 13th, 2008 at 7:58 pm
My favorite meaningless phrase is “swimmer’s body.” Anyone who has seen the Olympics(R) knows that swimmers’ bodies are anorexic and totally out of proportion: arms to the knees, short legs, etc. What they usually mean is “I’m secure enough with my body to take my shirt off and go swimming.”
August 13th, 2008 at 8:52 pm
Chris: No one should ever judge the gay community by their personal ads. It’s like judging us based on our pride parades! YUCK!
TwoPi: Love the story! “help put the SIN back in WisconSIN” is hysterical!
chambleee54: That reminds of me of Craigslist’s Missed Connections which are equally as entertaining.
Joel: Yeah, “swimmers body” is awfully vague. Can’t whales swim also?
August 13th, 2008 at 9:29 pm
Well Joel, swimmers body may be vague but if it looks anything remotely like the guys on the US relay team, they’ve won me over. *fanning myself* No long walks or pina coladas will be required.
August 13th, 2008 at 11:38 pm
funny. that’s all I got.
August 13th, 2008 at 11:53 pm
“Likes sunsets and long walks on the beach.” Oh wait - that wasn’t a personal ad, that was an episode of the LOVE BOAT.
August 14th, 2008 at 9:27 am
HWP - Height Weight Proportional. Meaning, you better not be tall and super skinny or short and round. KInda like Goldilocks, huh…you need to be ‘juussstt rriigghhtt’.
Great piece.
August 14th, 2008 at 12:43 pm
I actually met my bf of, going on 7 years, on Yahoo Personals. He was really easy to find too. He was the only gay guy on there that liked any Blink 182… or hell anything besides Mariah Carey. So ya, it’s not as bad or cheesy as it seems. I personaly think everybody should try a personals ad if theyre looking for someone else. Just avoid the ridiculous ones.
August 14th, 2008 at 2:04 pm
The best personal ad I ever saw was actually not in the cringe-making world of the “Men seeking men” listings (how apt a title though: “Men seeking a man” just doesn’t cut it) but in the more mundane straight section: “Mediocre single woman with crap job, crap house and crap car, seeks crap bloke to complete the set and save ruining someone else’s life.”
Why can’t gays come up with stuff like that?
August 17th, 2008 at 11:11 am
“It’s like judging us based on our pride parades! YUCK!”
I Hate that the news totally ignores the Doctor’s and Lawyer’s in gay pride parades and focuses on the sensational that only perpetuate stereotypes.
But if there’s one thing I hate more, it’s the FHF’s who have no Pride at all in who they are.
August 18th, 2008 at 4:08 pm
“Uninhibited” = into drugs, bb, scat, children, family, dogs, and whatever else
October 23rd, 2008 at 8:49 pm
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March 22nd, 2009 at 7:16 pm
i luv miley she?ssooooooooooooooo coooooooooooooooooooooool !!!