I forgot to tell you I saw the new X-Files movie! And oh goodness how awful it was! I didn’t see too many episodes of the X-Files series, but I loved what I saw, and enjoyed the 1998 movie immensely. So what happened with the movie? Before going on, I’d like to warn you about all the massive spoilers I’m going to drop, because I can’t really describe how awful it was without telling you all about it. Also, you shouldn’t really care about spoilers because you should under no circumstances see this movie.
Okay here goes. First off: No aliens. What? You’re going to give me an X-Files movie without aliens? Even Indiana Jones is fighting aliens these days and you’re going to tell me that Mulder and Scully aren’t? What’s up with that?
So what’s the story about, you ask? Women are going missing. Turns out they’re being kidnapped by Leoben from Battlestar Galactica. He’s stealing them because they have the same rare (of course) bloodtype as his gay love muffin, and a russian Dr. Frankenstein is going to put the gay love muffin’s head on one of the women’s bodies. Okay, so he’s only stealing women because the dying gay love muffin wants a female body? Why not a male body? That’s not explained so it comes across a bit gay guys are freaks and really just want to be girls-ish. Um, what?
Then there is this priest who was a pedophile, and all the uncomfortableness that comes along with that. Nothing says “fun day at the movies!” quite like pedophilia. Anyway, the priest is having psychic visions of the women going missing and is helping Mulder and Scully track them down. Turns out he molested the dying gay love muffin when he was a kid so he has some sort of mental connection to him. Oh, and in the biggest TMI moment of cinema history, the priest blurts out of nowhere “I castrated myself when I was 22!”
Let’s see, what else? Oh right, Scully is a doctor now, and she’d trying to cure a little boy with a really rare (of course) disease. She has the daring idea to use stem cells! Oh, but she works for a hospital with a “Saint” in the name, so clearly the hospital administration is not pleased. But then Scully has a magical training montage where she literally Googles “Stem Cell Research” and finds the cure for the super rare disease. That’s funny, because if I Google “Stem Cell Research”, all I get is the Wikipedia page for Stem Cell Research. Nope! No cures for super rare diseases there! The complicated issue of stem cell research was reduced to a quick Google search, and Stem Cell Research = Good, No Stem Cell Research = Bad. Regardless of my support of stem cell research, I absolutely hate being pandered to like that, and it just smacks of poor storytelling.
Anyway, I don’t think I’m getting through to you the awfulness of this movie. So you’ll just have to trust me. Did I forget to tell you about the experimentation and torture of dogs? Yeah, there was that too. The tense issues discussed wouldn’t be so bad if it was executed better. And I suppose it was enjoyable to see Mulder and Scully back together again. I just wish it was under better circumstances. But since I’m a fanboy, I’m prone to hyperbole and must say that it was downright awful.
Chris Carter had 6 years (since the series ended in 2002) to write this movie, and this was the best he can do? Putting a dying man’s head on a woman’s body. That’s it. What, did he spend 5.75 of those years in a hole gaining no real world inspiration for an awesome movie? Or was he thinking of all these ideas for movies, and then when this one came up, he was like “That’s the one! That’s what my movie is going to be about!” Because it was an awful idea. Kinda like George Lucas and Steven Spielberg picking crystal skulls as their mystical object of choice for their latest movie. Really? Not the Bermuda Triangle? Or Noah’s Ark? Or the Fountain of Youth? Or something that doesn’t result in the worst last 20 minutes of any movie ever?
Craig: I agree – another reason to be disappointed. Though at the time I was so annoyed by Mulder and Scully’s arguing and put off by pics of decapitated dogs, I didn’t pick up on the man on woman’s body thing.
But sometimes I do miss the obvious as in Star Trek VI. Mom & Nicolle were talking about the one armed Klingon and I asked “What one armed Klingon?” Uhhh, the one with one arm!?!
LOL @ “What one armed Klingon?†Uhhh, the one with one arm!?!
I can’t believe I forgot to mention their strained relationship as another shortcoming of the movie. Of course we expect some minor arguing and back and forth banter, but in the movie they just seemed so utterly distant. I might have just been happy to see them together on screen that I didn’t realize that they totally took a major step backwards in their relationship which took so long to build.
They definitely took a step back. And they missed an opportunity to go forward and explain what happened to the telekinetic part alien child that they gave up to save him from the government. Now we may never find out.
I think I can explain the Polt/ DaveS confusion on the cookie bar thing. See, Polt honey, when DaveS said …”bar cookie, wink…” You thought of an actual bar where you go to meet and drink and wink at all the cookies you see. DaveS meant a cookie in the shape of a bar. ( Kinda like an icebox or drop cookie, just a different type of cookie.)
I have no doubt Polt, that you are a pure “drop cookie” man, with or without salty nuts. (wink)
As I explain just how the cookie crumbles in my best Pollyanna-ish voice.
I can’t decide whether to watch Phelps win his 8th gold tomorrow night, watch the last 2 episodes of the 2nd season of Tudors or go see Vicky,Kristina Barcelona.
Though, I was informed last nght by my 17 yr old son that my future daughter-in-law one the gold medal in all around women’s gymnastics, so I do have that going for me.
And Craig, I am soooooo glad I skipped the Xfiles movie, that sounds horrible, and I have a big fondness for atrociously bad movies.
Dee Loralei, and chance you have to watch Phelps is a chance you better take. God knows I don’t give up a chance to watch him. Yum.
Oh, and I’m not really sure that I get your explanation, but anything that ends in “salty nuts (wink)” works for me!
HUGS…
Okay, in my boredom waiting to go pick up my daugher from a party, I noticed that Craig accused me of eliminating unborn children. LOL How the hell did I miss that? You know of my distaste for small humans that do not share my genetic code? Huh. All in the name of science right?
Polt, I can’t believe you don’t know what a bar cookie is vs a drop cookie. Sheesh man. Here’s a pic. http://www.preparedpantry.com/3-in-1chocchipcookies.jpg The bar cookie is the one that looks like a “bar”. Some brownies could be considered bar cookies but not really. Actually not at all, a brownie is delicious and unique. Ignore that. And if Dave S is into bar cookies, I’m out. Too high of a kink level for me. Even if his doodle isn’t snicker worthy.
Tam: I don’t doubt for a second that my doodle is snicker-worthy…
Polt, I had no doubt you’d get some play off the salty nuts covered cookie, but I was hoping you could richochet it off the “Drop cookie” for the “Carom!” (Anyone else remember that game? Or am I showing my age?)
And yea, Polt, I did kinda decide to watch Phelps Saturday after he won his 7th gold tonight. And agree with you, one should never turn down the opportunity for viewing him, though I think our own DaveS might have comparable abs.
And yea, Tam(Meee) and I both know way too much about cookies
And do I get bonus points for not going near the snickering at Dave’s doodle? Anyone???
I too think Dave S.’s abs are comparable to Phelps’…I’d certainly like to the judge trying to determine which is better. I don’t know one what scale you’d determine that, but as long as being a judge requires me to rub and feel all over both the sets of abs, then I’m all for it!
And Dave S., you’ll note, I trust, that I never even thought of snickering at your doodle.
HUGS…