Aug
15
I forgot to tell you I saw the new X-Files movie! And oh goodness how awful it was! I didn’t see too many episodes of the X-Files series, but I loved what I saw, and enjoyed the 1998 movie immensely. So what happened with the movie? Before going on, I’d like to warn you about all the massive spoilers I’m going to drop, because I can’t really describe how awful it was without telling you all about it. Also, you shouldn’t really care about spoilers because you should under no circumstances see this movie.
Okay here goes. First off: No aliens. What? You’re going to give me an X-Files movie without aliens? Even Indiana Jones is fighting aliens these days and you’re going to tell me that Mulder and Scully aren’t? What’s up with that?
So what’s the story about, you ask? Women are going missing. Turns out they’re being kidnapped by Leoben from Battlestar Galactica. He’s stealing them because they have the same rare (of course) bloodtype as his gay love muffin, and a russian Dr. Frankenstein is going to put the gay love muffin’s head on one of the women’s bodies. Okay, so he’s only stealing women because the dying gay love muffin wants a female body? Why not a male body? That’s not explained so it comes across a bit gay guys are freaks and really just want to be girls-ish. Um, what?
Then there is this priest who was a pedophile, and all the uncomfortableness that comes along with that. Nothing says “fun day at the movies!” quite like pedophilia. Anyway, the priest is having psychic visions of the women going missing and is helping Mulder and Scully track them down. Turns out he molested the dying gay love muffin when he was a kid so he has some sort of mental connection to him. Oh, and in the biggest TMI moment of cinema history, the priest blurts out of nowhere “I castrated myself when I was 22!”
Let’s see, what else? Oh right, Scully is a doctor now, and she’d trying to cure a little boy with a really rare (of course) disease. She has the daring idea to use stem cells! Oh, but she works for a hospital with a “Saint” in the name, so clearly the hospital administration is not pleased. But then Scully has a magical training montage where she literally Googles “Stem Cell Research” and finds the cure for the super rare disease. That’s funny, because if I Google “Stem Cell Research”, all I get is the Wikipedia page for Stem Cell Research. Nope! No cures for super rare diseases there! The complicated issue of stem cell research was reduced to a quick Google search, and Stem Cell Research = Good, No Stem Cell Research = Bad. Regardless of my support of stem cell research, I absolutely hate being pandered to like that, and it just smacks of poor storytelling.
Anyway, I don’t think I’m getting through to you the awfulness of this movie. So you’ll just have to trust me. Did I forget to tell you about the experimentation and torture of dogs? Yeah, there was that too. The tense issues discussed wouldn’t be so bad if it was executed better. And I suppose it was enjoyable to see Mulder and Scully back together again. I just wish it was under better circumstances. But since I’m a fanboy, I’m prone to hyperbole and must say that it was downright awful.
Chris Carter had 6 years (since the series ended in 2002) to write this movie, and this was the best he can do? Putting a dying man’s head on a woman’s body. That’s it. What, did he spend 5.75 of those years in a hole gaining no real world inspiration for an awesome movie? Or was he thinking of all these ideas for movies, and then when this one came up, he was like “That’s the one! That’s what my movie is going to be about!” Because it was an awful idea. Kinda like George Lucas and Steven Spielberg picking crystal skulls as their mystical object of choice for their latest movie. Really? Not the Bermuda Triangle? Or Noah’s Ark? Or the Fountain of Youth? Or something that doesn’t result in the worst last 20 minutes of any movie ever?
August 15th, 2008 at 5:36 am
I didn’t watch the X-files in its later years (I tried to once, but couldn’t get through an episode) but watched it a lot early on an loved it. Actually, I always preferred the non-alien episodes, since they seemed a little more scary to me.
(And the sad thing is, this review totally makes me want to see the movie. There’s always something special about movies that get a 1 out of 10. Or a -39342 out of 10, as the case is here.)
August 15th, 2008 at 6:45 am
I’m with Heather — I loved the first few seasons of X-Files, but last few were tough to take. And I really enjoyed the first movie. I caught wind early on to avoid this latest incarnation and took the advice. I think I ended up seeing The Dark Knight again instead. Um, yeah…a slightly better movie.
It’s funny — before the movie opened I heard an interview with Chris Carter and he said that the movie was made for a wider audience than just X-Files watchers. Then, after all the bad reviews started coming out, I heard him say “It’s really a fan movie.” (?!)
August 15th, 2008 at 6:50 am
Well of course, at that point (after all the bad reviews) it really IS just a fan movie, whether it was intended that way or not!
August 15th, 2008 at 7:08 am
I don’t know about that. I saw it with my cousin Michelle, and she wasn’t happy with it either. And she was a HUGE fan of the show from beginning to end. So I don’t think it was a fan movie either.
Heather, no one loves bad movies more than me (Catwoman, Showgirls) but this didn’t have the “so bad it’s good” quality.
Speaking of bad movies I’m going to see The Clone Wars after work today. It’s going to be dreadful! 17% on Rotten Tomatoes!!!
August 15th, 2008 at 7:29 am
Chaz and I are going to see it this afternoon! Can’t wait. Bad or not.
Then it’s Tropic Thunder tonight at our neighborhood theater/tavern. It’s going to be a good day. 
August 15th, 2008 at 7:43 am
Wow, that sounds brutal. I loved Scully nd Mulder in the day. Seems like that day has passed. Thanks for the warning and I can’t believe there were no aliens. That’s the whole freaking point.
August 15th, 2008 at 7:44 am
Dave S: Let’s see if you have that same enthusiasm coming out of the theater.
August 15th, 2008 at 7:47 am
Clarification: I meant Chaz and I are going to see Clone Wars.
It somehow sounds more fun than pedophilia, dog torture, and self castration…
August 15th, 2008 at 7:48 am
Craig: We’ll have to compare notes this weekend.
August 15th, 2008 at 8:17 am
Dave S: The wink added at the end makes it sound like we’ll discuss it after a marathon of sex rather than discussing it in the comment section of the inevitable review I post.
August 15th, 2008 at 8:23 am
Craig, after you get done body surfing on Dave S’s abs could you please tell us about it…
August 15th, 2008 at 8:25 am
X-Files was good when it was a monster of the week show, by the end it just got silly.
I saw The Mummy 3 this week, wait for the rental. Looking forward to Tropic Thunder.
Craig: I watched Catwoman this past weekend out of curiosity. WOW was that bad. And I can’t believe you like Show Girls too (darlin’). Now *that* is a movie that is awesomely bad!
August 15th, 2008 at 8:27 am
Brad: I’ll pass the message along to Polt. I think he has a better shot.
john: Well honestly I’ve never seen the whole thing. And I’ve only seen the VH1 version where they paint cartoon bras and panties on all the strippers. It’s so poorly done, it adds to the enjoyment.
August 15th, 2008 at 8:35 am
Craig: Was that a marathon-sex-wink? I keep getting it confused with the more platonic let’s-watch-a-movie-and-bake-some-cookies wink. Damn. No wonder I don’t get approached at bars…
August 15th, 2008 at 9:21 am
Firstly, I had no intentions of seeing the movie as the trailers of it looked about as interesting as watching grass grow. Did love the X-Files, but they’re time has passed.
Secondly, If Craiggers is gonna be doing any ab surfing on Dave S., I want to be there. I’ll sit quietly in the corner and just watch. Well, I won’t be JUST watching….
Thirdly, Craiggers, I don’t think either of us have ANY shot at that….but a boy can dream.
And lastly, what the HELL kinda bars are you going to, Dave S., where there is even such a thing as a “watch-a-movie-and-bake-some-cookies wink”? I’ve been to many a bar in my life, gay, straight, and some that I’m not sure what they were, but I’ve never given, recieved or even SEEN a “watch-a-movie-and-bake-some-cookies wink”….bars in Ohio must be WAY different from bars in the Mid-Atlantic. And in Toronto too.
HUGS…
August 15th, 2008 at 9:23 am
I’m so glad I decided to skip the X-Files movie. I’m also tempted to skip Clone Wars, so I’ll be interested to hear if you think it’s as bad as most of the reviews I’ve seen so far. Also, if what I read is true, if you’re looking to escape blatant gay stereotyping, don’t count on it from Clone Wars.
August 15th, 2008 at 9:45 am
Polt: You mean to tell me you don’t seek cookie-baking partners at bars? Please. *Everyone* seeks cookie-baking partners at bars. Granted, I avoid the ones that are real batter markets…
August 15th, 2008 at 9:51 am
Craig, I just want to believe the movie is worth watching. But I think I’ll take your advice after all — I make it to so few movies that it’s best not to waste one.
Dave S, I gotta believe that the “watch a movie and bake some cookies” wink will get you someone sometime. I’m a firm believer in happily-ever-after even if it takes a while. I have no doubt at all that someday Craig’s going to get his iced-tea brought to him out on the lawn.
August 15th, 2008 at 9:51 am
Heather: A large negative number sounds like it could be an integer overflow, so I can’t tell whether it is really bad or so good it wrapped around into the negative numbers.
Craig: I don’t know what you are talking about. They didn’t make any movie called The Clone Wars. I am sure Super Viagra will back me up.
August 15th, 2008 at 9:54 am
jerekeys: Yes, I’ve heard about Ziro the Hutt! I cringe just thinking about him!
Ξ_Heather: I’m impressed! Way to pull out an obscure Puntabulous post reference! Someone’s been studying!
Ryan R: Super Viagra knows the difference between dreams and reality. Like the rest of us, he dreams of a day where Star Wars is awesome again, but the reality is a lame Clone Wars cartoon.
August 15th, 2008 at 10:10 am
Dave S., the few times I’ve visited a ‘cookie’ bar, I always left with either a nutty one , or just the leftover crumbs, when all I wanted was just one with a little bit of sugar in them. This is why I avoid ‘cookie’ bars.
HUGS…
August 15th, 2008 at 10:31 am
I never watched the X-Files on TV, so I have no problem skipping the movie here, though your description of it makes me want to rewatch Frankenhooker…that was a fun movie.
I know I’ll end up going to see The Clone Wars, but I’m going to try to sneak into it after paying to see something better.
August 15th, 2008 at 10:40 am
Craig/FDot: I’m just interested in seeing what they do with this new concept. I don’t have high hopes, but it sounds like it’ll be fun. Of course, they all look vaguely like the Thunderbirds… (”The Jedi are go!”)
August 15th, 2008 at 10:41 am
But other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, did you enjoy the play?
August 15th, 2008 at 10:49 am
Well Dave S., I like baking cookies.
Is that the right wink? Is baking cookies a euphemism for something really kinky? I hope so.
You’re right Polt, even up north here we don’t do the cookie baking wink often, but I’m sure it does happen. Afterall, we’re really open to the alternative lifestyle. You could probably marry a cookie up here and have spousal rights. Then when the marriage crumbles who would be to blame?
August 15th, 2008 at 10:49 am
Polt and Dave S: Cookie rhymes with Nookie. Just sayin’
David: LOLOL! (I know that says “Laugh Out Loud Out Loud” but I needed to stress how funny I thought that was.) And where is your damn avatar already?
August 15th, 2008 at 11:00 am
Dave S.: The director of “The Clone Wars” has stated that the Thunderbirds were a major influence on the looks and movements of the characters in the film. Sadly, no Lady Penelope though…..
August 15th, 2008 at 11:01 am
You thought X Files was bad, wait till you see Clone Wars. Great god that was painful…
August 15th, 2008 at 11:08 am
Meee: Just don’t snicker at my doodle.
August 15th, 2008 at 11:36 am
Craig’s right. I loved all 9 seasons (even the Robert Patrick episodes) and was still very disappointed in the movie. I could even have put up with the awful plot if it weren’t for Mulder and Scully’s arguing for the for 3/4 of the movie. It took them 9 seasons to get together and this made it seem like they were back in season 2. And any movie that involves torture of dogs is on my ‘don’t see’ list.
I would recommend the new DVD X-Files Revelations however. It contains some of the series best episodes including 2 of the funniest: Clyde Buckmans’ Final Repose with Peter Boyle as a clairvoyant on the trail of a serial killer. And Post Modern Prometheus a b&w episode, tribute to Frankenstein with a creature that’s obsessed with Cher (because of the movie Mask). They are everything the movie should have been.
August 15th, 2008 at 11:45 am
I have to say that I’m disappointed the X-files movie sucks so bad. I had high hopes that it might revive the franchise.
August 15th, 2008 at 12:11 pm
Mental Note #1: Don’t read Puntabulous comments while eating or drinking. “Don’t snicker at my doodle.” Damn that was funny.
Craig: I’d like to say that Show Girls was better with boobs, but it really wasn’t. I still laugh when I think of “Ver-Sase” though.
And I’m really annoyed, because now I want a cookie and have no way to get one until I am home.
August 15th, 2008 at 12:25 pm
Dave S: I had the same hope. That was my biggest disappointment with the movie- knowing it wouldn’t do well. Maybe that new J J Abrams series will be good?
August 15th, 2008 at 12:43 pm
I have high hopes for J.J. Abrams’s Fringe and Joss Whedon’s Dollhouse!
August 15th, 2008 at 12:56 pm
Dumb questions (which I know has been answered in the past and I chose to ignore it), how do I get to have a picture instead of the speech bubble of doom? I have to register somewhere but I forget.
August 15th, 2008 at 12:57 pm
Sign up at http://gravatar.com/ and you can upload a picture.
August 15th, 2008 at 1:10 pm
Let’s see if I get the plot. Polt is stitching Michelle’s arm to Craig’s body, trying to keep him alive. When he realizes that isn’t working, he tries to stitch Craig’s head to Heather’s body. ? Or do I have it all mixed up?
August 15th, 2008 at 1:15 pm
DavidK: No, you’re right. You just left off the part about Dave S being a pedophile, John torturing dogs, and Meee on a mission to kill every unborn baby on the face of the planet in the name of “Stem Cell Research”.
August 15th, 2008 at 1:39 pm
Did this work? If not ignore my swearing. (I’ve changed my name too.)
August 15th, 2008 at 1:40 pm
Well done! Is that a tattoo?
August 15th, 2008 at 1:41 pm
Hey! When did I become a dog torturer? (*looks at Dave S’s role*)
Never mind.
August 15th, 2008 at 1:54 pm
Yep, its on my back. I just had it reinked in May. Its hard to see it so small (on here, not in real life). Its supposed to be a phoenix kind of thing with its tail coming around to touch its head (on the right). That’s for those who are going “What the hell is that avatar thing?”. I’ll switch the ankle one later.
August 15th, 2008 at 1:55 pm
DavidK: this movie’s gotta be a horror movie, cause I can’t sew to save my life, and thusly, my stitching is truly horrid. Perhaps that’s why nothing’s working and I have to turn to a pedophile to get the stem cells from dogs…cause that would I’m sure help.
Or do I have it all mixed up…
HUGS…
August 15th, 2008 at 2:33 pm
Hey Craig, I never watched X-Files when it was on TV, but I saw the previews for this movie and a couple things came to mind - first, “They did another X-Files movie? When did that happen?” I swear I never heard about it until it was released. Second, “This thing looks like it sucks.”
Looks to me that the second thing is the reason why the first thing was an issue - it sucked so badly they didn’t even bother hyping it up. And now it’s practically disappeared from TV ads.
This is why I don’t bother seeing movies anymore. Well, that and I hate going to movies alone.
August 15th, 2008 at 2:56 pm
You’ve inspired me. Trying an avatar of my dog Rocket.
August 15th, 2008 at 2:57 pm
Didn’t work. I signed up using the site you gave. Any idea what I could have done wrong?
August 15th, 2008 at 2:58 pm
It worked Michelle! I see Rocket!
August 15th, 2008 at 3:08 pm
Didn’t you read my post on the movie? I wasn’t quite sure what kind of picture they were trying to paint of the gays but I know they did a bad job either way.
August 15th, 2008 at 3:15 pm
I just read it Justin. Though I don’t care that the bad guys were gay, the more annoying thing for me was the attaching his head to a woman’s body.
And good call about the “And guess who he’s married to in the state of Massachusetts” line. I totally forgot about that. You stay classy X-Files!
August 15th, 2008 at 3:16 pm
Thanks! I had to refresh my page (duh!) .
August 15th, 2008 at 3:28 pm
Craig: I agree - another reason to be disappointed. Though at the time I was so annoyed by Mulder and Scully’s arguing and put off by pics of decapitated dogs, I didn’t pick up on the man on woman’s body thing.
But sometimes I do miss the obvious as in Star Trek VI. Mom & Nicolle were talking about the one armed Klingon and I asked “What one armed Klingon?” Uhhh, the one with one arm!?!
August 15th, 2008 at 3:32 pm
LOL @ “What one armed Klingon?†Uhhh, the one with one arm!?!
I can’t believe I forgot to mention their strained relationship as another shortcoming of the movie. Of course we expect some minor arguing and back and forth banter, but in the movie they just seemed so utterly distant. I might have just been happy to see them together on screen that I didn’t realize that they totally took a major step backwards in their relationship which took so long to build.
August 15th, 2008 at 4:01 pm
They definitely took a step back. And they missed an opportunity to go forward and explain what happened to the telekinetic part alien child that they gave up to save him from the government. Now we may never find out.
August 15th, 2008 at 4:25 pm
I think I can explain the Polt/ DaveS confusion on the cookie bar thing. See, Polt honey, when DaveS said …”bar cookie, wink…” You thought of an actual bar where you go to meet and drink and wink at all the cookies you see. DaveS meant a cookie in the shape of a bar. ( Kinda like an icebox or drop cookie, just a different type of cookie.)
I have no doubt Polt, that you are a pure “drop cookie” man, with or without salty nuts. (wink)
As I explain just how the cookie crumbles in my best Pollyanna-ish voice.
I can’t decide whether to watch Phelps win his 8th gold tomorrow night, watch the last 2 episodes of the 2nd season of Tudors or go see Vicky,Kristina Barcelona.
Though, I was informed last nght by my 17 yr old son that my future daughter-in-law one the gold medal in all around women’s gymnastics, so I do have that going for me.
And Craig, I am soooooo glad I skipped the Xfiles movie, that sounds horrible, and I have a big fondness for atrociously bad movies.
August 15th, 2008 at 8:52 pm
Dee Loralei, and chance you have to watch Phelps is a chance you better take. God knows I don’t give up a chance to watch him. Yum.
Oh, and I’m not really sure that I get your explanation, but anything that ends in “salty nuts (wink)” works for me!
HUGS…
August 15th, 2008 at 9:36 pm
Okay, in my boredom waiting to go pick up my daugher from a party, I noticed that Craig accused me of eliminating unborn children. LOL How the hell did I miss that? You know of my distaste for small humans that do not share my genetic code? Huh. All in the name of science right?
Polt, I can’t believe you don’t know what a bar cookie is vs a drop cookie. Sheesh man. Here’s a pic. http://www.preparedpantry.com/3-in-1chocchipcookies.jpg The bar cookie is the one that looks like a “bar”. Some brownies could be considered bar cookies but not really. Actually not at all, a brownie is delicious and unique. Ignore that. And if Dave S is into bar cookies, I’m out. Too high of a kink level for me. Even if his doodle isn’t snicker worthy.
August 15th, 2008 at 10:07 pm
Tam: I don’t doubt for a second that my doodle is snicker-worthy…
August 15th, 2008 at 11:32 pm
Polt, I had no doubt you’d get some play off the salty nuts covered cookie, but I was hoping you could richochet it off the “Drop cookie” for the “Carom!” (Anyone else remember that game? Or am I showing my age?)
And yea, Polt, I did kinda decide to watch Phelps Saturday after he won his 7th gold tonight. And agree with you, one should never turn down the opportunity for viewing him, though I think our own DaveS might have comparable abs.
And yea, Tam(Meee) and I both know way too much about cookies
And do I get bonus points for not going near the snickering at Dave’s doodle? Anyone???
August 16th, 2008 at 8:34 am
I too think Dave S.’s abs are comparable to Phelps’…I’d certainly like to the judge trying to determine which is better. I don’t know one what scale you’d determine that, but as long as being a judge requires me to rub and feel all over both the sets of abs, then I’m all for it!
And Dave S., you’ll note, I trust, that I never even thought of snickering at your doodle.
HUGS…