This is the story of my bottle of Tanqueray. Felice get out of here! Stop being such a camera queen!
Anyway, let’s start this story when I was like: “Screw you Mom and Dad! I’m moving to Brooklyn!”
And then a year later I was completely broke and like “Jus kitteh! Can I moves back in wit yous?”
So I moved back home and for two years I squirreled away all my money like some sort of savage beast that squirrels away stuff, and yet isn’t a squirrel.
And then this cute little house in my neighborhood went up for sale.
And I fell in love with it and imagined myself in that house and life would be just grand.
And my fantasies may have looked something like this because I would be the master of the Outer Rim Territories my own home!
Another fantasy included me having a cat, because I really want a cat but my Mom (fine, and me too) is allergic.
And the last fantasy involved me being totally sophisticated in my own home and having totally sophisticated dinner parties where people drink sophisticated drinks and talk about sophisticated things like America’s Next Top Model.
And part of drinking sophisticated drinks included owning an actual bottle of Tanqueray for Gin and Tonics because I always get the house gin when I order them and for some strange reason I equated owning my own home with allowing myself to buy the good stuff (even though if I had a mortgage to pay I’d probably only be able to afford water, but go along with me on this).
Don’t ask what that picture is about. I googled sophistication and that’s what I got. Deal with it. So after I was done fantasizing about my new life as a criminal overlord slug the epitome of class and sophistication, I called my bank to see about getting preapproved for a mortgage. I had squirreled away all that money after all!
And they were like:
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! And when they finally stopped laughing and were able to catch their breath, they were like “You can afford this“:
And all my hopes were crushed, because while I may have saved all that money by living at home, I still had enough debt in the form of student loans for Scrooge McDuck to swim around in.
And didn’t I go to a state school to avoid spending all that money? Oh right. It’s still pretty dang expensive. Oh, and grad school. Sigh.
But fear not! This story has a happy ending! No, I didn’t win a million dollars and buy the house anyway. But at least now I have a benchmark and a goal to work towards. So while I may still not be a homeowner, or a criminal overlord slug, or the proud parent of an adorable little kitteh, I bought myself a bottle of Tanqueray because I deserve it. Cheers!
THE END.
I love how everyone is taking up my term “ab surfing” If anyone adds to wikipedia bus sure to use a picture of Dave S’s abs…
You could have the twin bed in the basement Dave if you don’t mind sleeping next to the cat litter box. You’d have your own TV with cable. And no Polt in the corner. Bonus.
A bed, a dark basement, *and* nearby feline defecation? What could be better?
Craig – that 3rd pic of you is just too cute…
I found a home and a kitty for you.
http://img408.imageshack.us/img408/6248/dsc03881vy.jpg
Although, something tells me you’re not a fan of bald pussies. And upon further reading, this still won’t solve the allergy problem.
Dave S., My mind is always already there, there’s no need for it to GO there.
“A bed, a dark basement, *and* nearby feline defecation? What could be better?”
Well, Polt in the corner could be better….at least for Polt.
HUGS….
Michelle M.: That has got to be the ugliest box I’ve ever seen.
Michelle M: As soon as someone exorcises the demon that is currently living in that box, I’ll move right in.
Michelle M: That is one creepy looking kitty.
Craig: The ceiling might be a little low for you in that box.
Why does the description of Polt in the corner remind me of the end of The Blair With Project?
I love Michelle’s box and I am a fan of bald pussies as well. Am I talking about the same thing? Only Michelle and I know….
Well, I love what’s in the box, but then I have a penchant for warm smooth soft-skinned hairless playthings. They amuse me.
vuboq loves gin. almost as much as he loves his kitteh.
Hayden: Woot!
Gloria Estefan is a national treasure. Whenever I see her, I always think of what Ana Gasteyer said to Gloria on The Celine Dion Show (http://snltranscripts.jt.org/97/97sceline.phtml): “You look very good for a woman who has had a bus accident, and a boat accident!” So true.
keep enjoying those gin and tonics at mom and dad’s house. Having a house is a money pit. In the mean time I’ll keep on enjoying your blog!
Lol I liked this posting. Great job Craig
I love you! (Since I’m at the bottom of the comments, I need to make an impact.) And you know, Tanqueray is overrated. pay off your student loans and when you’re 80, you’ll be able to afford a cute little cottage in the butt woods of New York State! Welcome to the American dream! Oh, unless your parents pass and leave you hundreds of thousands of dollars and some real property. Keep hoping!
We share the same goal, Waffle. Get rid of student debt, and then buy a big-boy home. Makes a single guy realize how easy those two-income households have it!
You have the most adorable facial expressions.
I remember when I first started looking at houses. The ones I could barley afford seemed flawed in substantial ways (small, near busy roads, hobbit height second floors [seriously!]). It was disappointing, but it helped inspire me to plan my financial future better. I made a spreadsheet in Excel to keep track of how much house I could afford based on my savings for a down payment. That really helped to encourage me to save more because I could visualize it putting me closer to my goal. Fortunately my investments did well, house values declined, and I saved lots of money. A few years after I started looking I entered the market in a strong position and bought my house.
My best friend was allergic to cats. His boyfriend had a cat. Initially that was an issue. However over time my friend’s allergenic sensitivity to cats seems to have lowered. In fact he even got his own cat! I think he has an air filter, so that may help.
My families first cat didn’t seem to claw furniture. He was an outdoor cat, so I think he exerted his energies more outside. My mother’s current indoor cat seems to mostly claw woodwork. I think the cat is more likely to train my mother than she is to train it at this point.
Well I love stories (which you can tell since I totally stole the idea for my own blog)…
But not alcohol
XD
I blame this comment stream for last night’s crazy dream about group sex in a dirty alleyway on top of cardboard.
I feel your pain Craig. I really really want a cat but the bf is really allergic and I have a minor allergy.
Hey! I just paid off the last of my credit card debt!!!!! now i just need to pay of the car and the student loans and i’ll be a RICH BITCH!!!!! YESSSSSSSS.
sorry i was drunk with power. It’s strange how being responsible can make you feel all powerful right up until you realize that you still have negative self worth.
Why don’t you just use that money to run away with me to europe and we can buy a little villa in tuscany. (yes i stole that from Under the Tuscan Sun)
For the cat scratching thing, I have heard that there are claw pads so the cat won’t scratch the furniture without going as far as declawing.
Fun about student loans. I get to look forward to those in grad school, most likely.
Why don’t you get a roommate(s) to help pay for the mortgage of the new house? Although, you may not be a fan of roommates, which is totally cool, because Im in the same boat.
And as my 21st is coming up in dec I need recommendations on suitable martini gins (Im the goody two shoes kid who waits, although I have tried a few drinks before)
[...] finally something non-political: Craig at Puntabulous tells a life story through pictures and a bottle of Tanqueray. I was drunk with [...]
Best. story. everrr. Back to moar lurk for me!
[...] – bookmarked by 4 members originally found by joshaweston on 2008-10-02 The Story of My Bottle of Tangueray http://puntabulous.com/2008/08/19/the-story-of-my-bottle-of-tangueray/ – bookmarked by 3 members [...]
Excellent!
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