This is the story of my bottle of Tanqueray. Felice get out of here! Stop being such a camera queen!
Anyway, let’s start this story when I was like: “Screw you Mom and Dad! I’m moving to Brooklyn!”
And then a year later I was completely broke and like “Jus kitteh! Can I moves back in wit yous?”
So I moved back home and for two years I squirreled away all my money like some sort of savage beast that squirrels away stuff, and yet isn’t a squirrel.
And then this cute little house in my neighborhood went up for sale.
And I fell in love with it and imagined myself in that house and life would be just grand.
And my fantasies may have looked something like this because I would be the master of the Outer Rim Territories my own home!
Another fantasy included me having a cat, because I really want a cat but my Mom (fine, and me too) is allergic.
And the last fantasy involved me being totally sophisticated in my own home and having totally sophisticated dinner parties where people drink sophisticated drinks and talk about sophisticated things like America’s Next Top Model.
And part of drinking sophisticated drinks included owning an actual bottle of Tanqueray for Gin and Tonics because I always get the house gin when I order them and for some strange reason I equated owning my own home with allowing myself to buy the good stuff (even though if I had a mortgage to pay I’d probably only be able to afford water, but go along with me on this).
Don’t ask what that picture is about. I googled sophistication and that’s what I got. Deal with it. So after I was done fantasizing about my new life as a criminal overlord slug the epitome of class and sophistication, I called my bank to see about getting preapproved for a mortgage. I had squirreled away all that money after all!
And they were like:
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! And when they finally stopped laughing and were able to catch their breath, they were like “You can afford this“:
And all my hopes were crushed, because while I may have saved all that money by living at home, I still had enough debt in the form of student loans for Scrooge McDuck to swim around in.
And didn’t I go to a state school to avoid spending all that money? Oh right. It’s still pretty dang expensive. Oh, and grad school. Sigh.
But fear not! This story has a happy ending! No, I didn’t win a million dollars and buy the house anyway. But at least now I have a benchmark and a goal to work towards. So while I may still not be a homeowner, or a criminal overlord slug, or the proud parent of an adorable little kitteh, I bought myself a bottle of Tanqueray because I deserve it. Cheers!
THE END.
Student debt sucks but you have a goal, well done. Enjoy that high class gin.
Oh how I long to see the video of your expressive dance on the theme of squirreling away money. The fourth photo in this story is one of your most hilarious ever.
Hurray for happish endings! That was cute.
I really, really, really want to go back to school to finish up my degree, but I’m having the reverse problem. I’m trying to pay off debt in order to live like a student again. Oy.
Drink away! And for what it’s worth, it’s totally possible to have cats even if you’re allergic. (We have two, and TwoPi is.) We also still have a bit of student debt, which is kind of funny and kind of sad since neither of us has been students in this century.
In terms of saving for your house, don’t forget: the longer you live at home with your parents, the more money you save AND the more your parents are willing to pay to (get)/help you out.
Love to see how the bottle is half empty and it is no wonder seeing how big that G&T glass is you are drinking out of. Looks like you will be needing a new bottle real soon…look for Tangueray 10 to go on sale and really splurge on a bottle of that, even better than the regular Tangueray…I am also a fan of Beafeater…good to start the day with a drinking post!
Ha! Awesome.
And my favorite brand of gin, to boot. (Sapphire’s overrated in my opinion).
And after my divorce is finally over — and I’m completely broke — maybe we can share in the expense of that Maytag box. Well, okay, I probably wouldn’t be able to afford a *Maytag* box. We might have to settle for Frigidaire…
Dave S, how long does it take to get divorced? It seems like this has been going on for years. Sign the paperwork and get some hot little 22 year old to surf those abs!
Tam: Thanks!
Robair: Be careful what you wish for. I think a video of me dancing would be like the tape from The Ring. Evil and cursed.
Howard: I think that’s a great idea! You should totally do it.
Ξ_Heather: Cool. Does TwoPi take any allergy medicine? I take Claratin. Also, how do you prevent cats from scratching up furniture? I worry about that.
Hayden: No, it’s not half empty. And it may be a big glass, but I only put a single shot in! I already know Nicky is gonna hate this post, so we don’t need him to freak out more than he already will!
Dave S: Just get Polt to be your sugar daddy and we’ll be able to afford whatever we want!
There was a time recently when all you had to do to be eligible for a house was show a bottle of Tangueray and some cat litter.
Cats can’t spell. They stupid.
TwoPi wasn’t taking medicine, but the whole not-being-able-to-breath thing started to become a problem. I’m not sure what he’s taking now – I’ll let him answer that.
The cats scratch up the furniture, mostly the couch. We didn’t buy an expensive couch. I’m not sure what a good solution to that is, except maybe find a kitten that’s been declawed. [Or you could have a cat declawed. That kind of gives me the willies, but I think it's only dangerous if you plan to let your cat outside where it wouldn't be able to defend itself.]
People in the Sun: There was a time recently when all I had to do to get whatever I wanted was show a little leg.
Ξ_Heather: I agree. I don’t like the idea of declawing. Just seems cruel and unnatural.
1) that second photo of you is just aDORable!!!
2) Where else would your house be, Craiggers, but the Outer RIM territories?
3) Craiggers, Dave S., just remember my lust outweighs my self-respect…I just might go neck deep into credit card debt if I can be a sugar daddy to you both and surf both your abs I’ll have enough money to get you a good place, a duplex…ya know, a microwave box on TOP of the Frigidaire box!!!
“we moving on up, to the East Side”
HUGS…
Hayden: The divorce has only been going on officially since, like, April. First hearing is on Sept. 2 (wish me luck…). :-/ Any 22-year-old would would go out with a 40-year-old with a daughter a mere 6 years her junior, I’d have to question…
Craig: Between you and me, we could take Polt for all he’s got.
Polt: Just out of curiosity, what’s your net worth?
Craig: The first shot of you (on your way to Brooklyn), it looks like you got some guns there. Have you been working out and not told anyone? And did you do the drawing of yourself that is pasted over Jabba? It looks great!
john: Thanks! Maybe WiiFit is working better than originally anticipated? No, that wonderful drawing was made by Dave S who also did the Super Viagra, Vagina Girl, and Evil Bunny artwork. I asked him to make it for me but haven’t figured out a way to properly incorporate it into the site just yet. But in the meantime, it’ll be fun to insert myself into random pictures.
Good luck Dave. Our daughters are almost the same age. Please tell me it doesn’t get any worse between 13 and 16. Lie to me if you have to. I can take it.
Allergy meds: in the past, when it got bad I’d take Loratadine (aka Claritin), which works well enough. But usually I didn’t take anything, except for my asthma meds, which dealt with the worst of the symptoms, so long as you don’t mind itchy eyes, but hey it was a lot less to remember, eh?
But then my asthma prescriptions all ran out, as did the meds themselves. And by some miracle everything was okay for a few months, so I forgot about it, and did nothing.
Then last week my lung problems suddenly return (horrid stuff), and my doctor goes a bit overboard [4 prescriptions, plus 3 OTC medicines -- I have no idea how I'm going to remember all of this...]
Anyways, on her recommendation, I’m now taking Cetirizine Hydrochloride (aka Zyrtec) once a day, every day, as a long term response to living with cats. I can’t comment on how it is working yet, since I’ve only taken one dose, and it’s currently hard to separate out the cat allergy from the lung infection from the asthma to be able to know what’s up.
Oh, and I like the idea of Craig as Zelig. Keep that going!
Dave S: I too prefer Tangueray to Saffire. Apparently the high class gin gets rid of a lot of the harsher flavor components that I personally associate with “gin”. So for me, I’m even happy drinking Fleishman’s (or similar low-grade stuff), especially if it has been stored in the freezer prior to use. But then again, I haven’t actually had any gin (“rotting christmas trees”, as my wife says) in ages… maybe I’d find it all nasty now.
Well huzzah for small victories eh Craiggers?
Cats and furniture: the blunt approach is amputation (aka declawing), but happily Craig passes the humane instincts test and ruled that out.
The books all suggest putting scratching posts around the house, especially near objects you don’t want clawed (e.g. sofas). My experience is that cats see through that instantly, and go straight for the sofa, in the same way that they’d walk right past a can of Purina Cat Chow (with real meat by-products!) and go straight to your beef tartare. (No, Polt, that isn’t a euphemism.) The books also suggest using a squirt gun to discourage evil behavoir, but all that seems to do is train the cat to not claw when you’re around.
My mom solved this problem by buying leather furniture; for some reason our cats hated the texture, and never clawed it. But that had the side effect that they never curled up on the couch, either.
Our approach has been to buy cheap furniture and plan on replacing it once it gets too ratty. But “ratty” is in the eye of the beholder. Arguably our sofa has needed replacement for most of this decade.
As Mathilde can tell you, I’m a bitch about two things: the proper consistency of ladyfingers (just a little stale! But still cakey!), and my gin. So against the usual rules of propriety, I’ll have to point out that it is spelled “Tanqueray,” with a “q,” not with a “g.” (Click on my name for verification). Oh, calligraphy, look what your classy curls have wrought! Who will you bring down next?
Tam: It gets easier. But I have easy kids, so it might not be much of a barometer.
Neither are boy- or girl-crazy and both are pretty well-grounded and mature for their age.
TwoPi: Hey, I bet a cool, crisp Tanqueray and tonic would cure those lung problems of yours. Or at least make you not care as much.
(try Tanqueray Rangpur — it’s killer)
TwoPi: Thanks for the allergy info! I think you have it worse off with the Asthma. I don’t have that. Guess I was a better person than you in my previous life! Damn cats and their cat scratching ways. It seems there is no true solution. But goodness do I love their rebelious ways!
ScottieC: Huzzah indeed!
BeRightBack: Ugh! Good catch! Should I correct it or leave it? In other words, is my mistake moronic or charming?
Good luck Dave S, too bad lawyers had to get involved…When you question that 22 year old make sure it is the next morning…
Craig you get get a rescued de-clawed cat, that way you are saving a kitty and it benefits you, a win-win situation….
Tangueray is my most favorite. Ummm. Hubs thought I couldn’t tell, so he ordered me a house gin and tonic and a Tangueray and tonic and made me taste-test. I TOTALLY KNEW INSTANTLY which was the crappy house gin. Sophistication – that’s me.
Thanks Dave. So far so good for me really. Most of the time we get along great. Must be the great Dad your kids have that has influenced them.
I’ll just keep my fingers crossed.
DaveS: When my Uncle Lanny was 46 and divorced with three kids, he married a woman 24 years his junior who, at the age of 22, was only 2 years older than his oldest daughter. I think that was awkward at first, and I seem to remember some punches being thrown by an ex-boyfriend of hers, but over 25 years and two more kids later they still seem pretty happy: Lanny is now a healthy 73 year old and Liz is a gorgeous 49 year old who looks about 34.
Lanny smiles a lot.
I wouldn’t advocate the “only two years older than your daughter” age difference for you (illegal and all that), but I do think large age differences can work out….
Dave S., you don’t look a gift horse in the mouth and you don’t look a potential sugar daddy in the wallet, kay?
TwoPi: I can totally understand your cats, cause if I get the choice between meat ‘by-products’ and real beef tartare, well, there’s no doubt where I’m going! (meat by-products…what would that be, a dildo?)
Dave S., my last boyfriend was 19, a full twenty years younger than me. And like they say, what the young lack in experience, they more than make up for in stamina and enthusiasm.
Age is just a number.
HUGS…
So if Dave can get a hot young’un, can I too? Can I please? Is it open season on barely legals?
Tam and Dave S are totally going to get married.
Hey, if she kept feeding me Tanqueray and tonics I’d likely be up for anything. As long as she’s cool with spending the night in a Frigidaire box. With two kids. And a dog. And Craig. And Polt, if he happens to be calling in the favor for that duplex addition…
Since I’m not a drinker, I’m going to need an explanation here of what Gin is exactly and why Tanqueray is better than others on the market.
Plus, are you sure that Felice wasn’t going to try to nip a sip and you caught him in the act? I’d check the level of the bottle when you get home.
I totally meant that last post as a response the 22-year-old, but Craig’s comment slipped in front of it.
It’s all in the timing, Craig.
Dave S.: Great likeness of Craig! Sorry about the divorce, I hope the remainder of the proceedings are amicable.
Craig: I like Zyrtec better than Claratin. I find it controls the itchiness of allergies better.
TwoPi: 7 meds?! Are you sure your doc isn’t getting a kick back?
BeRightBack: Does Mathilde moonlight at all?
FDot: Tanqueray is superior for a gin and tonic because it has elements of citrus and mild herbs which compliment the combination of lime and tonic that you add to it for the drink. Sapphire lacks those nuances and is straight-up gin which is naturally woody, but is particularly piney due to the lack of subtle additions that Tanqueray has.
You do know it’s Tanqueray, with a “q”, right?
Student loans are a bitch, that is true. My wife and I have $300K in loan debt.
I demand more Felice.
Dave S.: my sister married a guy who was two years younger than our father and his oldest daughter was three years younger than my sister. Everyone thought it was going to be weird and scandalous, but it turned out just fine. They were 23 and 47 when they got married.
Aww…don’t fret. Believe you me, ’tis a far far better thing to have a pile of cash (even if it is outweighed by a pile of debt) and be sitting on the real estate sidelines for a little while longer. Being a homeowner is overrated. I thought I was going to make 100 grand like all those people on HGTV who bought foreclosures in Miami for $20 and have now rehabbed it into some showplace featured in Ocean Drive magazine and lend a cup of sugar to Gloria Estefan when she’s between royalty checks for The Rhythm is Gonna Get You. Sadly, that has not turned out to be the case. Enjoy your gin! (And thanks for the link to my blog!)
Okay fine, I caved and corrected the spelling of Tanqueray. I couldn’t stand it! But the hyperlink to this post will forever remain a testament to my misfortunes.
Hayden: That’s actually a really great idea!
Amy: Screw the hubs! I bow down to your superior skill and knowledge.
FDot: He has been a bit beligerent for an herbivore lately.
David: Fixed.
Avitable: Damn! That’s the price for living like royalty I suppose. Oh wait, you don’t live like royalty?
jerekeys: The call for more Felice has been heard.
FrugalFag: No problem! I just realized this post is perfect for you! I’m almost as frugal as you are! Did you know that Gloria Estefan is the copper plumbing of the music industry?
Well, I actually have a home with a roof and 2.5 baths. Not likely to move into the Frigidaire box with Dave and Craig. However if the duplex came through a visit might work out. As for gin, I don’t have any in my booze cupboard at present but I could be convinced to give it a whirl. I drank gin as a kid, but it was likely cheap as crap hence the reason I haven’t touched it since I moved onto beer at university which was way cheaper. Seems like things go full circle, after beer was wine, then cocktails, then vodka and now I’m back to beer. Guess gin is next on the list. I’m not an alcoholic really. Nicky is going to be so disappointed in me. Sigh.
>Well, I actually have a home with a roof and 2.5 baths. Not likely to move into the Frigidaire box with Dave and Craig.
Tam: Great! We’ll move in with you next week. Thanks for offering! You’re awesome! Anyone have any moving boxes we can borrow? We only have one and it has pee stains in the corner…
Dave S.: So….citrus + herbs > wood? Alcohol is so confusing.
LOL Dave. Think you and Craig could share the double bed in the spare bedroom? No boxes here and I don’t WANT to know about that stain. Glad garbage bags work. Then there’s that whole visa thing. Do you have any skills that we might like to use up here in Canada? I mean besides gin appreciation. Although you both seem pretty creative so maybe you could get a job making short films for the Canadian Film Board. They’d love Super Viagra I’m sure.
FDot: For a gin & tonic, absolutely. However, for a gin martini, the woodier gins — like Sapphire — are preferable.
Where’s vuboq when we need him?
I’m intrigued on the relationship between the latino diva and copper pipes. And I envy ppl who can drink, I never do. I have too much of an addictive personality to ever do something like smoke, drink, gamble, whatever.
“And Polt, if he happens to be calling in the favor for that duplex addition…”
Dave S., you make it sounds like this is gonna be a one time thing. I tell you what, if I’m getting you the duplex cardboard box, you better believe there’ll be a washing machine box attached to the back where I’LL be living…and calling that favor as often as I want and/or need…I do love me some ab surfing…..
And if Craiggers and Dave S. are gonna be sharing ANY kinda bed in any kind of room, you better beLIEVE I’ll be in the corner of the room…just watching.
(Ya know, I think I’ve crossed the line from witty sexual banterist into scary stalker guy here….)
HUGS….
Maybe it looks like royalty to a poor family in Africa or something.
Bravo! Beautiful story. I laughed and cried, but that’s probably because my meds levels are off.
Polt: Umm…I was thinking separate beds… I’m thinking you were thinking something else…? (Does your mind *always* go there?) And I’ll make sure the box’s door is locked to, y’know, keep out the stalkers.