Aug
22
Wormholes are common and frequently bring unsuspecting citizens of the 21st century into the 31st century. That’s why I’m here. Your friendly neighborhood guide to the future. My goal is to help you understand and be able to fit in with the futuristic society of the future.
Today’s Edition: Raising Children in the Future!
I know you came to the future expecting miracles, and wonders beyond your imagination, but we humans still haven’t unlocked the key to immortality, and we still occasionally enjoy bombing the shit out of each other, so we still require ways of replenishing our population. Until that glorious day when we can gather all the children of the world and say: “So long kiddies! Your services are no longer required!” and shoot them into space, children are still a required aspect of human life.
Since the evolution of the stinging vagina tentacle in 2711, straight vaginal sex has been deemed impossible for all but the most masochistic of men. Due to this evolutionary tailspin, all children are born in what are called Procreation Stations. After passing a simple (read: very simple) intelligence test, you and your partner will be deemed qualified enough to become parents. Once the pair of you submit genetic material, three potential children will be gestated and birthed in state-of-the-art robo-uteruses, and raised for a period of five years by a trained staff. This allows the parents to avoid those troublesome (read: cry-y) baby years, and permits you to choose the baby of your choice, because you really can’t tell if a kid is going to grow up to be hot until they’re at least 5 years old anyway. Unpicked children (hereby referred to as “uggos”) will remain at the facility and trained to work there making the Procreation Station completely self-sufficient. It’s Green!
Nothing is more powerful than the bond between a parent and their child. That is why after retrieving your brand new child from the Procreation Station, they will live with you for a period of two weeks, allowing you to connect with them before they are shipped off to Schooling Facilities for the next 13 years. Your child’s Managers (sometimes referred to as “Teachers”) will keep you abreast of their progress and send you letters of love and adoration from your children, which will allow you to show off to all your friends. The archaic practice of testing and grading children has been eliminated in favor of coddling and indulgence in the interest of protecting their delicate self-esteem. Besides, if you wanted a smarter child, you should have picked the uggo at the Procreation Station while you had the chance.
When your child reaches 18 years of age, they will graduate (the term is used loosely of course, lest you forget their delicate self-esteem) from the Schooling Facility, and returned to your care. At this point, you’d probably like to avoid any awkward conversation and send them off to college. Not so fast! All forms of higher learning have been banned by our Culcari Overlords (May our spines be the wishbones upon which They feast) because we infidels require no knowledge beyond what is taught to us by our wise and noble Culcari Overlords (May our spines break evenly so that They may all garner what They wish, for Their wishes benefit us all).
Your last duties as parents will be to ensure the quick marriage of your child. You will wish this to be done as quickly as possible to prevent any unpleasant interactions while living together. After all, no one likes a complete stranger living in their household. Due to the extreme coddling and indulgence your child will have received at the Schooling Facility, they will have developed minimal social skills, and will be unable to find a suitable mate on their own. Luckily for you, Marriage Centers are readily available to find your child’s perfect match and handle all the arrangements for the wedding. When the big day arrives, your only concern will be remembering their name and staying sober enough for the obligatory parent/child dance to the song that will be generated via computer based upon each of your interests.
If there is one thing you should learn from your experience of parenthood, it should be the importance of donating generously to the scientific community. The sooner we are able to find the key to immortality, the sooner we don’t have to put up with this bullshit anymore.
August 22nd, 2008 at 7:39 am
Isn’t that school system already in place? Hmmm. Cynical am I?
August 22nd, 2008 at 8:23 am
Intelligence tests before you procreate…is that something we can institute NOW? Would save us a lot of headaches, and people driving slow in the fast lane, and people driving 6 miles with their left turn signal on, if we could do that now. Maybe our future Culcari Overlords (May Our bodies crunch quietly under their tires, so as to not disturb their drining experience) can come into the past and get that thing started?
HUGS…
August 22nd, 2008 at 8:25 am
Obviously, above, when I said drining I MEANT driving…unless our Culcari Overlords (May our intestines only increase the beauty of their homes as they’re strung across their living rooms) have something called drining….
HUGS…
August 22nd, 2008 at 8:34 am
I, for one, am glad I still live in the present where children like me were allowed to grow up both attractive and brilliant.
August 22nd, 2008 at 9:00 am
Polt: I assumed “drining” is comparable to what happens after a human grabs a burger at the drive-thru window. (From now on, that’s what I’m calling it.) Our Culcari Overlords (May they find my aftertaste as pleasing as my texture) will be munching down on their roadkill.
August 22nd, 2008 at 9:03 am
This post reminded me of a Bill Hicks skit:
If you have children here tonight—and I assume some of you do—I am sorry to tell you this. They are not special. I’ll let that sink in. Don’t get me wrong, folks. I know you think they’re special. You think that. I’m telling you—they’re not. Did you know that every time a guy comes, he comes 200 million sperm? Did you know that? And you mean to tell me you think your child is special? Because one out of 200 million sperm connected? Gee, what are the fucking odds? Do you know what that means? I have wiped entire civilizations off of my chest, with a grey gym sock. That is special. Entire nations have flaked and crusted in the hair around my navel….. I have tossed universes, in my underpants, while napping. That is special.”
I do love the idea of an intelligence test, I wish stupidity hurt so there would be more incentive to find a cure.
August 22nd, 2008 at 9:07 am
That’s a funny piece John.
August 22nd, 2008 at 9:10 am
Tam: Maybe just a little. But rightfully so.
Polt: If you don’t address spelling errors in subsequent comments, I do my best to correct them for people if I catch them. But it’s too late now, you’ve already drawn too much attention to it.
David: if only we were all as lucky as you.
TwoPi: Love the aftertaste line.
john: I don’t know who Bill Hicks is, but that skit is freaking hysterical!
August 22nd, 2008 at 9:26 am
Craig: Isn’t it?! The gray gym sock line kills me every time.
Look him up on YouTube when you get a chance. He was (he is deceased:( ) absolutely hysterical.
TwoPi: Aftertaste! That’s fantastic!
August 22nd, 2008 at 9:44 am
Marriage Centers would beget Separation Centers, which would beget Divorce Centers, which would beget Custody Centers, which would beget hours and hours of Dr. Phil reruns. Hell, why don’t the Culcari (May our spouses satiate Their hunger), get rid of marriage altogether?
I’d be more than happy to just spooge in a cup, have a kid, and skip that whole “till death do us part” business.
Oh, wait, my spooge doesn’t work anymore…
August 22nd, 2008 at 9:58 am
Ummm. Bitter much Dave?
I myself am merely cynical. And I’m sorry you are broken. Or maybe I’m not. That was probably a tad TMI for me.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:07 am
One of those “Damn, did I just click ’submit’?” moments…
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:10 am
Ah well, makes us all closer. LOL Hopefully not in a squicky way.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:27 am
Dave S., shooting blanks, eh dude? Well, as long as you can still…fire the pistol, I guess all is well, right?
Tam: What’s wrong with being closer in a squicky way. (Lurve the word squicky, I do!)
HUGS…
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:33 am
Unrelated: How do we like the navigation bar at the top of the main page? I just threw it together last night to display some of the better aspects of Puntabulous and revert to a more standard blogroll. Thoughts?
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:41 am
I noticed it this morning Craig. I like it. The about me is good, easier to read the blog roll because its not so skinny so you can see the whole title easily. Well done.
Damn I need to do some work and I’m procrastinating. Now I’m tempted to go check out more of the blog roll. No … I … will … work….
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:52 am
Yes! Forgot to add that in my original comment this morning, but I noticed it right away. I like it! Keep it!
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:17 am
One uterus, two uteri. I just had to check.
I wonder what was going through the mind of the first man to encounter SVT.
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:20 am
Oh hi Speller McSpellerton.
It can go both ways: http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/uteruses
(LOL: “go both ways”)
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:26 am
And I finally figured out what SVT was short for. (I’m a little slow.)
I’m sure they loved it at first. Added grip and all.
But then the stinging starts.
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:27 am
Great post, just don’t show it to publishing company you send your children’s book to. You know, might create some ill-will
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:39 am
“Added grip and all.” Hilarious.
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:42 am
Man, I stupid.
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:46 am
Not at all! I wouldn’t have known otherwise unless I looked it up.
After I made my comment I thought it came off as snotty, so I atoned for my sins by voting for you as Hottest Daddy Blogger and encourage others to do likewise!
August 22nd, 2008 at 12:37 pm
It wasn’t snotty at all. If anything, it was snotty of me to come over and be That Guy, even if unfortunately I am That Guy, and even if I didn’t know what I was talking about.
(And thanks. Of course the whole hot thing is just a joke, but at the same time, Neil Gaiman must be stopped).
August 22nd, 2008 at 12:42 pm
Ugh. Neil Gaiman. I fell in love with the movie Stardust and thought he was the bomb-diggity. That is until I read the book and it wasn’t as good. Then I saw Mirrormask and was horrified by its awfulness. And he’s totally not hot. He must be stopped.
August 22nd, 2008 at 1:24 pm
Did I see a grammar nazi?
Craig: Love the new navigation bar. It would have come in handy the other day when I was looking to see if Dave S. really had a face like Iggy Pop (which he *so* doesn’t).
I also *LOVE* Stardust and was disappointed by the graphic novel.
Dave S.: You had to type spooge didn’t you.
People In The Sun: I would imagine the first man’s thoughts were along the lines of “Ooo, this is new and kind of neat, so that’s what all the fuss over tentacle porn is about! Wait, WHAT!?! OW! OW! OW! FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY WHY!!!!”
From there it descends into a replay of Nancy Kerrigan’s post knee whack rant.
August 22nd, 2008 at 1:35 pm
This has nothing to do with today’s post, but I just had to share with you that I was reading this book to my daughter just now before I put her down for her nap and totally thought of SV & VG.
http://www.amazon.com/Razzle-Dazzle-Colors-Books/dp/0689814976
I hope this doesn’t get kicked back as some kind of spam. I swear I’m not trying to sell you anything, just trying to show you this book cover!
August 22nd, 2008 at 1:40 pm
john: Stardust was my favorite movie of last year. So funny and sweet. Everyone in it was just perfect.
That’s really funny Kimi! I stole “Razzle Dazzle” from an Episode of LOST. But any excuse to think about everyone’s favorite crime-fighting duo is a good excuse!
August 22nd, 2008 at 1:41 pm
I’m sure women would be on board with the whole state-of-the art robo-uteruses/uteri. No pregnancy /no pain. And I like the intelligence test - prevents a future nation of bumbling morons (Ã la, the movie Idiocracy).
August 22nd, 2008 at 1:42 pm
The fact that a SVT is in our evoltionary future is yet another reason I’m glad to be gay. There’s always mutants that pop up with genetic feature before their time (just ask the X-Men) and I certainly wouldn’t want to chance a mutant with a SVT……
How horrible the thought…
HUGS….
August 22nd, 2008 at 3:38 pm
I’m going to skip over the SVT discussion, as I would have to be extremely drunk to come into contact with one (and I don’t drink), but say that you and Tam aren’t too far off the mark when it comes to school. Grades are getting less important as coddling the students takes precedence, usually from the parents. I offer three examples that I have knowledge of.
1. A student recieved an 85 on a Science test. The next day, her parent calls the teacher to say that she witnessed her daughter studying for the test and therefore she could not have gotten an 85 and the teacher must have made a mistake in grading it. The parent wanted to teacher to regrade the test to fix her ‘original grading errors’
2. Another student, who was a jackass, acted up constantly in all his classes. One day, unbeknownst to each other, three different teachers all called home and left a message about his behavior in class. Did the mother call the school the next day to discuss said behavior? No, she called to complain about the conspiracy the teachers were in to make her student look bad, since she knew he would never act up in a class.
3. A third student, a junior, 17 years old, was caught with an unopened beer in her locker. Her defense? She wasn’t going to drink it at school, but at a party later that night. Her parents were called in and she was suspended. The parent’s response? They were actually mad at the school for suspending the student since she said that she wasn’t going to drink the beer at school, but later at the party after school, and what was the problem with that?
August 22nd, 2008 at 3:58 pm
Wow FDot. I can only imagine. What frustrates me most is the teaching to the lowest common denominator. We will only make the work hard enough that the poorest student will achieve a passing grade, no one will ever be pushed to do more even if they are capable. And god forbid anyone be forced to repeat a grade or even redo work.
But those parents have been around forever. I remember in Middle School (many many moons ago) there were a couple of kids like that and the parent was always at the school making excuses, never the kids’ fault. Now it just seems schools are more likely to give in to it.
August 22nd, 2008 at 4:37 pm
At the risk of sounding Pollyanna, the Mrs. is a teacher and teaches an inclusion class room (inclusion being a mix of regular ed and special ed- usually kids with behavior issues coupled with learning issues). She teaches first grade and has dealt with children in her class who are read at a 4th grade level along with children who function with the maturity and intellectual capacity of a 3 year old(poor kid and his brother had lead poisoning). She has had several kids over the years who aren’t potty trained when entering her class.
Her philosophy as a teacher is to teach with rigor and the kids will work to it (I’m simplifying) rather than teaching to the lowest common denominator and it works. Are all her kids geniuses? No, but her test scores each year are the highest in the grade level and usually show marked improvement for individual students.
I point this out only to say that there are positives in the Education Community. I’m not saying she is God’s gift to teaching or that the stories that FDot reported aren’t the unfortunate majority of situations with kids in schools. (She had one parent state that her daughter would behave better if my wife would stop badgering her to behave.)
August 22nd, 2008 at 4:44 pm
I hate when I miss comments.
Craig: I loved Michell Pfeiffer and DeNiro, oh and the guy who played Septimus, but you are right, everyone was amazing. Even Claire Danes (who can be a little flat in my opinion).
I loved the scenes between Lamia and Ditch Water Sal. Plus, best character names ever: Lamia, Mormo and Empusa.
August 22nd, 2008 at 6:09 pm
I hope you didn’t think I was blaming the teachers John. I know they are forced to work with an increasingly disfunctional system. My daughter has been fortunate to have some amazing ones over the years but her share of duds as well. Such is life.
August 22nd, 2008 at 6:31 pm
Tam. NOT AT ALL!
Living with a teacher, I hear both sides: the behavior problems with kids and parents as well as the stories of teachers who slack off and usually both in equal measure. She is equally frustrated by an ESL teacher who refuses to teach with rigor as she is with parents who’s miracles from heaven couldn’t possibly behave or test poorly.
I only meant to provide a small ray of hope that the next generation isn’t completely doomed.
August 22nd, 2008 at 9:11 pm
Dictionary.com?!?!?!?!
O_O
August 23rd, 2008 at 12:29 am
“Since the evolution of the stinging vagina tentacle in 2711, straight vaginal sex has been deemed impossible for all but the most masochistic of men.”
This is sheer and utter genius.