Puntabulous Guest Debate

Well lookie here! Puntabulous Guest Debates have returned! And who better to get us back into the debating swing than Casey from Moosh in Indy? Last time we had an epic battle over Cookies and Brownies. This time it’s personal!

TODAY’S TOPIC: TALL VS SHORT!

Casey: How do long car rides treat you Craig? Pretty uncomfortable right? No leg room, no head room, gah, that can’t be fun. Well, okay, so you can pay a whole lot extra for the “bigger” rental car. Or you can pay a bunch of money for cars with all sorts of leg room. But then there’s the gas thing. You see, cars that fit people like you aren’t so good on the gas. And with fuel nearing $5.00 a gallon you would either have to be the son of an oil tycoon or flat out MoneyBagsMcAnally to be able to afford driving anywhere. (And I’m pretty sure we’re all aware that you’re neither.) I guess you could just not have friends, take the back seat out, slide the front seat all the way back and your problem is solved. But me on the other hand? I can fit in a packed clown car and still have room to stretch out and enjoy a can of Pringles and a frosty pop.

Craig: Long cars rides in my modest sedan are fine, and I thank you for your concern, which I will just pretend was sincere. Speaking of cars, I bet you’re one of those short people that borrows the cars of tall people and returns them with the seat all the way pushed up to the steering wheel because your little insignificant legs can’t reach the pedals and you’re not nice enough to return the car in the condition you got it in. And the poor magnificent tall person who was kind enough to lend you their car in the first place is the victim of extreme squishing when they unknowingly sit in the seat right after you return it. CoughRudeCough! Anyway, being tall is awesome. Ever hear of the phrase “short, dark and handsome”? There’s a reason why America’s Next Top Model has a height requirement of at least 5’7″. Modeling is about more than just knowing how to smile with your eyes. It’s about the whole package, and the package isn’t complete without the proper height.

Casey: Honey, ANTM ended months ago. Let’s talk about SYTYCD. Frankly the tall dancers? They were a little on the lurpy side. Sure they were all kinds of pretty when they were twirling! and with the lines! OH! the beautiful! LINES! But when they stood still they just looked like big sweaty misplaced trees with heads. Did anybody else notice that the SHORT dancer won? Being short people can use words like “cute” and “adorable” and “pocket sized” to compliment you. Don’t forget “button” and “tiny” and “petite”. However one would require a grand stretch of the imagination to compliment a giant. How many ways are there to say “tall”? Honestly? Here, I’ll try. “Hey Craig, you’re looking awful, uh, vertical today.” See? Short is easy to relate to, enjoyable, “cute” even. Tall’s just kind of, overbearing and lanky. And occasionally creepy. Besides, you know I could spank those ANTM girls any day at smiling with my eyes, height requirement or not.

Craig: Um, excuse me. Do the words “statuesque”, “grand”, and “strapping” suddenly have negative connotations that I’m not aware of? Oh, and let’s not forget about “towering”! That’s right! I’m not tall, I’m a towering hunk of man beef! But don’t worry, you’re not short either. You’re abbreviated, truncated, and squat. Boy, thesauruses are fun! And fine, I’ll admit that short people make cooler dancers because they’re so easy to spin like tops. Plus it’s easy to pop and lock when your arms and legs are so small that all you have to do is move your body and your arms and legs automatically move along with it. But how about professional sports? Tall people have advantages in basketball, volleyball, and just about every other sport I can think of. I don’t think there’s a single sport where being short is an advantage. Oh wait, maybe hide and seek. But then you end up being hidden too well and people forget about you and then they stop looking for you, because if you’re going to forget to find someone it’s certainly not going to be the statuesque one.

Casey: Hello. I’d like you to meet my friends the gymnasts. Gym-nasty if you ask me. Bulging muscles, the ability to hover in midair, those toned rear ends. Makes me just shiver thinking of all those well developed muscles. However your freakishly tall athletes? Just that. Freakish. They had to play basketball and become swimmers because they couldn’t find any normal clothes to fit them. Which brings me to another point. It’s so easy for me to get my pants hemmed to the perfect length. I can even leave them long and wear big pretty heels that all the gays covet. However, being tall, I’ll bet a lot of the pants you find leave you looking like Erkel. Dude, where’s the flood?

Craig: Um, are you seriously comparing yourself to female gymnasts? Because for every adorable Dominique Moceanu there’s about a dozen crazy, squeaky-voiced Kerri Strugs. And as for clothing, I have no idea what you’re talking about, since for gay men, belly shirts are completely normal. Besides, who thinks it’s cool to have to roll up your pants so they don’t drag along the ground. Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Now I’d like to ask you about the last parade you attended. Was it crowded? Was it hard to get a spot in the front row, by the street? How was your view? Pretty difficult to see over everyone, right? Aw, what a shame! If you were tall, no matter where you are, you have a great view!

Casey: Alas I was referring to male gymnasts. Alexi Nemov anyone? I dare you to find a tall man with those kind of muscles and ability to hover. (Hulk Hogan doesn’t count.) And actually, now that you mention it, my small spry frame allows me to deftly maneuver in places you tall people are unable to get to. Actually allowing me, yes little ol’ me, the best seat at the parade. And movies? I can promise you that every time you go to a movie someone wishes for your head to be cut off. Yes. Off. I don’t care how cute you are in that belly shirt, you’re head is blocking our view of Shia Labeouf and we won’t stand for it. Now hand over your pink card assuming I roll up my pants. Any practicing gay man should have a good tailor on speed dial. I’m a stay at home mom and even I have a tailor on speed dial. Oh? What’s that? No one wants to tailor your never ending pants? Too bad. You’ll just have to admire mine.

Craig: I don’t know what kind of crappy movie theaters you have in Indiana, but here in New York we have a little thing called stadium seating. So my height shouldn’t be a problem for all you violent shorties who seat themselves behind me knowing full well what they’re getting themselves into. And why would I need a tailor? They actually make clothes in my size! You short people are the ones who need the normal sized clothing tailored to meet your stumpy needs. Either that or you’re shopping in the petite section with Dakota Fanning. Let me ask you this: How do you reach things on tall shelves? Either you have to ask a handsome tall stranger such as myself to help you out, which we will do out of the kindness of our hearts. Or you have to lug out a chair or stool like some sort of child trying to reach the faucet. Either option proves that short people are incapable of simple tasks.

Casey: Oh my darling Craig. Do you even have any idea how much money I save on clothes because I’m still able to shop at Gap Kids? I’ll just say this: BUNCHES. And don’t be hatin’ on the stool. Because it’s tall freaks like you that come over to my house and rest on my stool, probably because the air up where you are is so thin. It’s likely to kill anyones IQ by at least a couple dozen points. But that’s okay, because when you’re at the library you can reach all the really long boring books on the top shelf that the rest of the normal sized world has forgotten about. You know, the ones on motivated scientific reasoning biases, epistemological beliefs, and theory polarization. That should be able to bring the ol’ thin air IQ back up a couple of clicks. In the meantime I’ll be reading Martha’s new cookie book down here in my beanbag chair. Oh? You want a beanbag chair too? Sorry dude, bean bag chairs in your size are called hot air balloons and I’m fresh out.

Craig: Oh, I bet you feel so fabulous shopping at Gap Kids too. Nothing says “sophistication” quite like going to a fancy dinner party wearing a pink polka dotted jumper. And be sure to get ready for your fancy dinner party by cooking something fun and delicious. Oh, you should probably try a new recipe so you’ll want to go to the library to take out a new cook book. You know, those books that are so big they need to be kept on the top shelf. There’s another reason books are kept on the top shelves: because they’re so awesome. And awesome books need to be kept out of reach of children (and short people) with sticky book-ruining fingers. Seriously, where do you put your fingers? Are you sensing a trend here? Gap kids? Stools? Short people are pretty much the same thing as children. Oh, and only children like bean bag chairs. Seriously, they look like fun, but they are terrible TERRIBLE pieces of furniture. And I use that term loosely.

Casey: Jealous much? Sounds like somebody outgrew the playground before he was ready and is a little Bitter Betty about it. What’s so great is that all that money I save on grown up clothes? I can spend it on cookbooks. Who even goes to the library anymore? Lonely old men and hobos? Yeah, that sounds about right. It’s okay though, it must be really lonely up there with all the trees and leaves and birds just dying to peck your overgrown eyeballs out. Down here it’s all about the birds and the bees and the flowers and the furry little woodland creatures that keep me company and help me with my daily chores. That’s right. I’m a princess and you’re just a big awkward giant. When did Disney ever make a movie about that, HUH?

Craig: I take offense to that! Oh wait, you said hobos. Sorry, I misread that. What Disney movie did they make about my life you ask? A nice little classic I like to call “Mickey and the Beanstalk”. You know that one where those terrible little critters climbed up the beanstalk and performed some crimes the police would refer to as “breaking and entering”, into the house of a lovable giant who was minding his own business way up in the sky out of everyone’s way. How does this happy little story end, you ask? They kill the giant, that’s how. Tiny people are murderers. Little bite-sized murderers. They must be stopped at any cost. While you may be a princess in your own mind, I’m a giant among insects. Fee Fi Fo Fum! I smell the blood of a wee woman!

So who do you guys think won?

Be sure to head over to Casey’s blog: Moosh in Indy!

Think you could do better? Send me an e-mail with a topic you’d like to debate with me! If you’ve previously sent me a topic, and I never got back to you, or if we haven’t started the debating process yet, send me a reminder! I’m very forgetful! For more Puntabulous Debates CLICK HERE!