Aug
29
I think we can all agree that pedophiles and murderers aren’t exactly the apple of society’s eye, correct? Yes, there’s all that nasty business about sexually abusing children and sadistically killing people, but there’s another serious problem too.
Growing up watching the old Adam West Batman shows, I envied the secret passageways in Wayne Manor and the Batcave. Even Barbara Gordon managed to fit a cool secret turnstile in her apartment, which made me green with envy.
I told myself that one day I too could have a house with secret passageways and hidden rooms, possibly accessed by fireman poles, Jetson-style conveyor belts, or perhaps even a twirly slide. How much fun would that be? And after all, as Americans aren’t we guaranteed life, liberty and the pursuit of unnecessary excess? I mean, I can go to Burger King and get a BK Stacker with four (read: FOUR!) burgers on it. Why shouldn’t I be able to translate that same concept into my home?
But no.
Pedophiles and murderers have given secret rooms a bad name. Could you imagine if word got out that I had a secret room in my house? That it could only be accessed by gently pulling on a fake copy of a fake book on a fake bookcase which was really a hidden doorway? People would think I used it for sick purposes! Of course in reality it would only lead to my office, or my entertainment and media room, and the only reason it’s behind a hidden passageway is for the kitsch factor. But I wouldn’t even be able to explain myself!
“No really! Just swing on this fake bungee vine and you’ll see that it’s all perfectly normal!”
It would never work. And no, I’m not trying to make light of the other nasty stuff that makes pedophiles and murderers such unsavory people. I’m just trying to point out yet another reason that may not have occurred to you before. Can’t you just consider my feelings for a moment? I will never be able to fulfill my childhood dream. Thanks a lot pedophiles and murderers. You really are bastards.
August 29th, 2008 at 6:13 am
Maybe you could call it a Panic Room, and then people would just think “Jodi Foster” and they’d go on their merry way.
I’m not sure how you’d explain the twirly slide, thought, except that if you were panicking the slide might calm you down. Laughter is the best medicine, especially when someone is robbing you blind on the other side of the bungee vine.
August 29th, 2008 at 6:17 am
When I was a kid my dad used to tease us about installing a fireman pole in the house to increase the speed with which we kids could get ready for school. I totally believed it and was disappointed that it would never happen.
While murderers and pedophiles certainly are bastards, there may be hope yet Craig: http://nichedoors.com/products.htm
Check out the one at the bottom hidden behind a wine rack.
August 29th, 2008 at 7:16 am
Ξ_Heather: I bet the robbers had a pretty rough childhood. I’m pretty sure if you let them take a spin on the twirly slide they’d leave you alone.
john: Those are incredible! Who would have though there were enough people as childish as me to justify an entire market!
August 29th, 2008 at 7:35 am
Craig: Perhaps you’d like to move to Zurich, and take a job with Google. They let the engineers design their office building, and it features twirly slides and firehouse poles to make going down floors a bit more efficient and fun. (The “professional” masseurs are a nice bonus.)
http://www.snopes.com/photos/architecture/google.asp
August 29th, 2008 at 7:40 am
I wish we had firehouse poles at work. Those working on the 8th floor would have a wild ride down. My fear would be as I go to get on at the 3rd floor someone who is picking up speed from above would make me about 6 inches shorter (which I can’t afford). Childhood dreams are just meant to be that, dreams. Which sucks basically.
August 29th, 2008 at 8:50 am
What a funny coincidence. I’ve contracted the firm Pedophiles & Murderers to BUILD my dream home. You should see what they’re planning for the kitchen!
August 29th, 2008 at 9:16 am
They really are bastards, indeed. I love Alice in Wonderland doors - those tiny little attic doors. And narrow spiral staircases that lead up to turret-like rooms. And those can be perfectly legit! But they aren’t as cool as secret passageways and faux bookcases.
August 29th, 2008 at 9:22 am
Okay, so I totally want to work at Google. Oh wait, I don’t want to “work” there, I just want to live there. I wouldn’t work at all. I wonder how long it would take them to figure out I’m producing nothing? Or that I’m not an engineer.
August 29th, 2008 at 9:37 am
I’d love to have firehouse poles at my work….but the whole building is generally just one floor. I could have them at home, since I live on the first floor….but there’s two apartments on the second floor and two apartements on the first floor beneath me. I guess I’d have to get a right-of-way through their apartments first to put the firehouse pole in…and that would be too much money. I’d be happy with just an elevator, so i don’t have to drag my fat ass AND my groceries up two flights of stairs all the time.
HUGS…
August 29th, 2008 at 9:48 am
Craig: I’ve saw a show on one of the Discovery networks or HGTV and they showed a house where the staircase could be lifted to reveal another staircase below it that lead down to a secret room. It was pretty wild. Of course, the people who owned it killed people for a living so they could afford it.
August 29th, 2008 at 10:43 am
The way I see it, you could:
a) buck society’s ‘morals’ and ‘ideas’, build your giant Chutes and Laddersâ„¢ house and enjoy your office space and/or entertainment center. Perhaps you could place some fake prop heads on a windowsill to amuse the neighbors.
b) give in to society’s ‘morals’ and ‘ideas’, build your giant Chutes and Laddersâ„¢ house and become a murderer and/or a pedophile. I would personally suggest murderer as there is less chance of the victim talking afterwards.
August 29th, 2008 at 10:46 am
FDot: LOL!
August 29th, 2008 at 11:06 am
I loved Panic Room.
August 29th, 2008 at 11:17 am
My dream home always included a waterslide out of my bedroom window ever since I saw Christian Slater step out his window in “The Legend of Billie Jean.”
You’ve overlooked one important possible resolution of your dream - you could always just become a pedophile or murderer.
August 29th, 2008 at 11:18 am
D’oh, FDot beat me to it. And with more wit.
August 29th, 2008 at 12:58 pm
Totally off topic - did someone here mention the show Torchwood many posts ago? I saw the commercial for it on Space and wondered if its worth starting to follow since its on right after Supernatural. I thought someone here said it was good but I might be insane so maybe not.
August 29th, 2008 at 1:10 pm
Tam: I’ve heard great things about Torchwood but haven’t had the chance to catch up with it on DVD. I’m looking forward to it though.
August 29th, 2008 at 2:24 pm
I’ve been silent today because I find this entire conversation offensive.
Okay, not really.
Except for the fact that not a single reference has been made to pole dancing. I’m just sayin.
Gotta get back to work. Busy busy busy…
August 29th, 2008 at 3:16 pm
Tam, Torchwood is fabulous, it’s like a CSI: Cardiff but with less murders and more aliens, with cheesy british accents, cheesy special effects, a dashing GAY hero. It boldly goes where American TV only dreams of going, with occasional same sex romps and kisses and love-stories. For me it’s must-see TV. They just started filming season 3, but it won’t come here until 2009.
BTW Craig, have a look at their head-quarters, maybe you get some inspirations for your dream-house
August 29th, 2008 at 3:22 pm
Thanks Bernd. I think our Space channel started Season 2 on August 8. (Who the hell starts a season premier in August?) so I’ll have to catch up. I will watch tonight and see if I can figure out what’s going on. Maybe I can get season 1 at the Blockbuster so I can catch up with what happened last season. Sounds like fun.
August 29th, 2008 at 4:08 pm
Tam: I’ll concur with Bernd, Torchwood was really good. I personally didn’t like season 2 as much as season 1, but they both are worth watching. The Main character is dashing, but I think of him as more try-sexual (try anything once, twice if it’s good - he really is sexual and is not bound by the sex of his partner. His primary love interest is male, but he flirts with everyone and has done a good portion of them.) I also agree that the show really does boldly go places and does it well.
Season 1 episode 6 “Countrycide” is a must see.
Dave S.: I was surprised that Polt’s earlier comment didn’t say something about wanting the firemen in his house regardless of the structural limitations of his apartment.
August 29th, 2008 at 9:16 pm
http://www.hiddenpassageway.com/gallery/album0.html
August 29th, 2008 at 9:20 pm
feyrbrand: Man, those are awesome! I especially love the fireplace models!
August 29th, 2008 at 10:13 pm
I used to want to be an architect when I was a child. I would think about innovative modern designs, sometimes including hidden secure rooms. I enjoy watching a series on HGTV called Extreme Homes. Some of the homes are rubbish and just not practical, and some are amazing! It is just fun to see whats out there.
When I was buying my house during the home inspection we discovered a deep hole under the study. My lawyer discovered it was an aborted attempt to build a bomb shelter. After very briefly contemplating that it would be cool to have a bomb shelter I ultimately decided to require the seller to have it remediated since it was undermining the foundation.
I like Torchwood. I also preferred the first season. I felt like some of the plots were getting just a little too far fetched in the second season. I have heard that the third season will be more like a mini-series of fewer episodes covering one story line rather than the way it has been before.
I started watching Torchwood with my somewhat homophobic mother before I was fully out to her. It was a part of my coming out process, and I will always appreciate it for that.
August 29th, 2008 at 11:50 pm
So I watched an episode tonight. I realized I have seen the odd episode here and there. It was the switching memory one. I’ll keep watching to see if I get into it. It was worth checking out regularly.
August 30th, 2008 at 12:06 am
Forgot to add that it appears the lead character (whose real name and series name escapes me) has elf ears. Not sure they are his natural ears or special Torchwood ears but they are definitely pointy. I noticed it 3 times so it must be pretty extreme. Not that I mind elf ears on a guy.
August 30th, 2008 at 7:39 am
Torchwood’s lead character is Captain Jack, and I forget his last name. The actors name is John Barrowman, and I’ve never actually noticed his ears.
Torchwood ROCKS! It’s like my favorite tv series. Unfortunately, we gotta wait till next year to see any of it.
john, Countryside freaked me the crap OUT! Ohmigod!
And yeah, I’d like a house full fireman, as long as their uniform consisted of the fireman’s hat. Oh and I guess the big boots too. That’s it. That would be their leisurely laying around my house outfit. Niiiiice….
HUGS….
August 30th, 2008 at 9:18 am
Polt: No kidding! That was the one episode I had to watch with the lights on. Oh, and how cool was the Suzie story line?
Captain Jack’s last name is Harkness.
August 30th, 2008 at 10:57 am
The only thing I have close to a secret passageway is one of those cheap hollowed out books that stick out like a sore thumb on the bookshelf. But at least I have somewhere to put my ahhhh, smoking tobacco.
August 30th, 2008 at 11:26 am
This is so funny! I never thought about it having been ruined but you’re right. I think a lot of us dreamed of having secret rooms/mystery houses. Did you ever hear Dane Cook’s riff on this subject? He also talks about wanting trap door under the welcome mat that would drop down into a pile of marshmallows, because they really couldn’t be mad at you when they realize it’s marshmallows.
September 1st, 2008 at 1:42 pm
It should be Hardness.