Monthly Archives: August 2008

Netflix #38 – Kingdom of Heaven: Director’s Cut – Suggested by no one

People are idiots. At least that’s what movie studios believe. Although based on the success of some movies I may have to believe them. But more often than not though, I like to give people the benefit of the doubt. Not so with movie studios. So when Ridley Scott (director of Alien and Gladiator) turned in his cut of the Crusades epic Kingdom of Heaven, which clocked in at 3 hours, the studious balked and made him cut his Historical Epic by 45 minutes to make it into an Action/Adventure movie at just over 2 hours. The reviews were tepid and it was considered a box office flop. I caught it on DVD when it first came out and I couldn’t blame critics for their poor reviews. The movie — though entertaining — was jumbled and hard to follow. Then came Ridley Scott’s Director’s Cut. He was able to release it in theaters for a few weeks, and it got great reviews, but I didn’t get to see it until now, and it is by far a superior movie to the previous cut. Added character development really brought a depth to the movie that was missing from the previous cut, and everything just flowed much more comprehensively. So if you only saw the original (or never saw it at all) I implore you to see the Director’s Cut. It’s incredible.

Netflix #39 – The Station Agent – Suggested by Michelle, Andrew, and Burner

What a great little movie this was. I had never heard of it before it was recommended to me, but I think Peter Dinklage is fantastic in everything I see him in (“Call me elf one more time.”) so I was really excited about him having the starring role. The movie is about a train enthusiast who inherits a small piece of land in New Jersey with an old train depot on it. It chronicles the eccentric people he meets and the friendships he forms with them. It’s really quite charming. Bobby Cannavale is in it too, and he plays a completely crazy fun-loving hot dog vendor he meets and becomes friends with who is just completely lovable. I definitely recommend this one for a quiet afternoon.

Keep your recommendations coming!

Seriously Entertainment Weekly? Did this really deserve an F? It’s not as bad as everyone is saying. Is it bad? Yes, of course it is. This is Lucas we’re talking about. But there were definitely some good things too. Here’s a rundown:

The Good:

It really is a beautiful creation with loads of eye candy and whiz bang goodness. The battle scenes and lightsaber battles were great, and some of the shots were completely breath-taking. Remember that scene in Episode III where Obi-Wan and Anakin crash on the droid ship where Palpatine is being held hostage, and while his ship is sliding across the hangar floor, Obi-Wan jumps out of it, high up into the air, twirls around and cuts down a few droids? Well doing the movie in animation allowed the Jedi to be the Jedi that we’ve imagine all along and doing really cool Jedi things.

I actually liked the character designs. I know a lot of people are complaining about them, but Pixar and Robert Zemeckis computer generated humans just creep me the fuck out. Come on people, they never look real and their eyes are completely dead! So I really don’t mind the ultra designed look of the characters.

I thought the clones were pretty interesting this time around. I liked that they showed a bit of personality. Plus, when there was a group shot of some clones with their helmets off, they all had different haircuts, and hair colors, and tattoos. I just thought it was an interesting idea that the clones would seek an individuality by making whatever changes to their looks that they could. I think this point demonstrates a major strength and weakness in the movie and the prequels as a whole. There’s really great thought put into the most minor details, but not that much thought put into the major story. George Lucas = major story. His amazing and talented technical team = minor details. See where I’m going with this?

The Bad:

Just like the prequels, the movie is completely devoid of any good comedic banter whatsoever. How hard is it to write a quick joke? Anakin’s new apprentice Ahsoka calls him “Sky Guy” and he calls her “Snips” because she’s snippy. Really? Is that supposed to be funny? I have a freaking Viagra pill and Vagina who manage to have better banter than these people.

This movie didn’t need to exist. It only exists because they finished the first three episodes of the upcoming television series and thought it tied together nicely and could stand on its own, (and make them bucket-loads of money). Bad idea. The story wasn’t worth of being on the big screen. I think if this were on the small screen and in 30 minute doses as it was meant to be, (and not having to pay $10 to see), people would have been a bit more forgiving.

The Ugly:

Ziro the Hutt, Jabba’s gay, make-up and feather wearing, nightclub owning uncle. Everyone says he sounded like Truman Capote, but I think it was more like Eric Cartman doing an impression of the priest from Princess Bride. “Uh’ll be tha mowst powahful hutt in tha gawaxy!” Yes, he spoke english! It was horrible and totally cringe worthy.

Jabba’s son. Oh I’m sorry. You didn’t know Jabba had a son? Well he did. A little stupid tadpole that wouldn’t shut his mouth, burped (because burp jokes are just hysterical), and was the worst character design of any Star Wars character ever.

While I’m at it, I’d say the Hutt storyline was pretty stupid all around, and demonstrates one of the most major weaknesses of the prequel trilogy. Does everything from the new trilogy have to tie directly to everything from the old trilogy in a nice little bow? Why not introduce a completely new alien gangster, that could compete with Jabba? Was anyone really wondering what Jabba was up to during the prequels? And while I’m on the subject, did Anakin really need to be the creator of C-3PO?

I forgot to tell you I saw the new X-Files movie! And oh goodness how awful it was! I didn’t see too many episodes of the X-Files series, but I loved what I saw, and enjoyed the 1998 movie immensely. So what happened with the movie? Before going on, I’d like to warn you about all the massive spoilers I’m going to drop, because I can’t really describe how awful it was without telling you all about it. Also, you shouldn’t really care about spoilers because you should under no circumstances see this movie.

Okay here goes. First off: No aliens. What? You’re going to give me an X-Files movie without aliens? Even Indiana Jones is fighting aliens these days and you’re going to tell me that Mulder and Scully aren’t? What’s up with that?

So what’s the story about, you ask? Women are going missing. Turns out they’re being kidnapped by Leoben from Battlestar Galactica. He’s stealing them because they have the same rare (of course) bloodtype as his gay love muffin, and a russian Dr. Frankenstein is going to put the gay love muffin’s head on one of the women’s bodies. Okay, so he’s only stealing women because the dying gay love muffin wants a female body? Why not a male body? That’s not explained so it comes across a bit gay guys are freaks and really just want to be girls-ish. Um, what?

Then there is this priest who was a pedophile, and all the uncomfortableness that comes along with that. Nothing says “fun day at the movies!” quite like pedophilia. Anyway, the priest is having psychic visions of the women going missing and is helping Mulder and Scully track them down. Turns out he molested the dying gay love muffin when he was a kid so he has some sort of mental connection to him. Oh, and in the biggest TMI moment of cinema history, the priest blurts out of nowhere “I castrated myself when I was 22!”

Let’s see, what else? Oh right, Scully is a doctor now, and she’d trying to cure a little boy with a really rare (of course) disease. She has the daring idea to use stem cells! Oh, but she works for a hospital with a “Saint” in the name, so clearly the hospital administration is not pleased. But then Scully has a magical training montage where she literally Googles “Stem Cell Research” and finds the cure for the super rare disease. That’s funny, because if I Google “Stem Cell Research”, all I get is the Wikipedia page for Stem Cell Research. Nope! No cures for super rare diseases there! The complicated issue of stem cell research was reduced to a quick Google search, and Stem Cell Research = Good, No Stem Cell Research = Bad. Regardless of my support of stem cell research, I absolutely hate being pandered to like that, and it just smacks of poor storytelling.

Anyway, I don’t think I’m getting through to you the awfulness of this movie. So you’ll just have to trust me. Did I forget to tell you about the experimentation and torture of dogs? Yeah, there was that too. The tense issues discussed wouldn’t be so bad if it was executed better. And I suppose it was enjoyable to see Mulder and Scully back together again. I just wish it was under better circumstances. But since I’m a fanboy, I’m prone to hyperbole and must say that it was downright awful.

Chris Carter had 6 years (since the series ended in 2002) to write this movie, and this was the best he can do? Putting a dying man’s head on a woman’s body. That’s it. What, did he spend 5.75 of those years in a hole gaining no real world inspiration for an awesome movie? Or was he thinking of all these ideas for movies, and then when this one came up, he was like “That’s the one! That’s what my movie is going to be about!” Because it was an awful idea. Kinda like George Lucas and Steven Spielberg picking crystal skulls as their mystical object of choice for their latest movie. Really? Not the Bermuda Triangle? Or Noah’s Ark? Or the Fountain of Youth? Or something that doesn’t result in the worst last 20 minutes of any movie ever?