Puntabulous

I am this close to giving up on Fringe. As I discussed this weekend with Michelle, a major problem is that they’re trying to explain fake science with more fake science. In X-Files, you had these outlandish mysteries that you were trying to solve with science that was somewhat based in reality. In Fringe however, you’re solving outlandish mysteries with make-believe, and it’s so blatantly make believe that there’s nothing interesting about it. If I hear someone say something like “There are things happening in this world that we can’t explain.” or “You must change your expectations for what is possible.” and say it as if it’s the most poetic thing they’ve ever said, I’m going to shoot myself in the face. And while people think that Dr. Bishop is the best thing about this show, he continues to drive me up the wall. “Oh look! He loves root beer floats! That’s so wacky!” Grumble. Grumble. Grumble.

Turns out the world’s first joke was a fart joke dating back to 1900 BC. An ancient Sumerian (of Sumer, located in southern Mesopotamia, now Iraq) proverb goes: “Something which has never occurred since time immemorial; a young woman did not fart in her husband’s lap.” Um, I don’t get it. Farting on someone else’s lap? Kinda funny I guess. Farting on someone else’s pillow? Hysterical. Star Wars fart jokes? Abysmal. But there you have it. The world’s oldest joke.

Teach me something new or tell me your favorite bad joke.

I saw Eagle Eye this weekend. While very entertaining it was so completely outlandish that you had to suspend every ounce of disbelief in your body, which thankfully I am able to do, and can possibly attribute it to my generation’s adoration of Saved by the Bell. Screech had a robot for goodesss sakes! Also, about halfway through, the movie takes this completely unexpected turn that ends up dominating the rest of the movie. And while unexpected is always nice, original is even nicer and we’ve seen this element in dozens of (better) movies already. Do you know how hard it is to review stuff like this and not give away spoilers? Geez. But there was a car chase that was pretty awesome, regardless of the out of control editing. Gee Willikers! Those gosh darn teenagers sure love quick moving pictures! Now get off my lawn! Oh and lets not forget the tacked on ending. Oh goodness, that was bad. But overall the movie was really fun. I’d just like to make a request that Shia step out from underneath Steven Spielberg (who executive produced) and make a fun romantic comedy or something where he doesn’t play an endearing bumbler who can also save the world. After all, it’s getting to the point where if they make a Jurassic Park 4 and Alan Grant and Ellie Sattler had a kid, I’m not entirely convinced he wouldn’t be a wise-cracking, dinosaur-punching Shia Labeouf.

by Craig McAnally

The world awoke to a dying Sun.
While scientists clamored and politicians fought,
The people of the world had no one left to comfort them.
So a little girl from Cedarwood Drive took up her sword.
She flew to the Sun and proclaimed:
“Behold! I am the Goddess of Cedarwood Drive!
And you sir, are not doing your job!”
“But I’m old and tired,” said the weary voice of the Sun.
“I no longer have the energy to shine.”
The girl took pity upon the Sun and sheathed her sword.
“But the people of my world need you,” she said.
“What business is that of mine?” cried the Sun.
“I know nothing of your world.”
“Oh but I think you would like it very much.”
And the girl began to tell the Sun stories of her life and her world.
Stories of her parents, her brothers, her friends.
Of love and friendship, of birthdays and holidays.
She sang songs and told jokes.
Together they laughed and danced.
And the Sun began to shine again.
The girl looked back at her world,
And saw it prosper in the Sun’s renewed rays.
“Thank you friend,” she said as she turned to leave.
“Won’t you stay with me?” said the Sun. “I’m very lonely.”
So the girl stayed and continued her stories.
But her life was short and she soon ran out of tales to tell.
So she began to make believe and invent stories of her own.
Stories of wizards and knights and goodness and valor.
And of puppies.
Oh the Sun very much liked to hear about puppies.
He longed to hold them in his arms.
To let them tickle his face with their fur.
The years passed by and the little girl grew old and gray.
But the Sun continued to shine brightly.
And when she would tire, he would make up stories of his own,
Which were always very silly,
Because the Sun did not know exactly how the world worked.
And when he was stuck, he would make up words.
But they always made her laugh and that was what mattered.
And this was how it was for years and years.
On the day she drew her final breath,
Turning back she looked upon her world and knew that all was well.
She turned to the Sun and smiled.
Before closing her eyes one last time she whispered:
“Well done, my boy.”
And the girl, the woman – the Goddess of Cedarwood Drive,
Fell upon the Sun and joined her spirit with his.
And together they continued their stories.
And shone forever.

Sorry for all the TV-centric posts this week. But television has kind of consumed my life, so um, get used to it. Air kisses! Anyway, I don’t ask for a lot in life. I’m a pretty simple guy with pretty simple needs. That’s why I don’t think the following request should be met with much resistance from the TV Lords of Kobol. Did anyone watch Survivor last night? Does anyone outside my family still watch? Anyway, if you did, then you will understand my request that Charlie and Marcus make out this season. Or even just cuddle for a bit on a rainy night. Watching (cute!) gay Charlie fall all over straight Marcus is kind of painful to watch, so it would be really helpful if it wasn’t entirely one sided, and Marcus returned Charlie’s affections with a bit of saliva. And just to clarify, this isn’t about me being able to watch two good looking guys make out on television. This is all for Charlie’s sake. I’m very unselfish like that.

And no, not a smack across the face with the heavy hand of shut the eff up. (Though that might help.) Instead of being on Project Runway, she needs to be a contestant on America’s Next Top Model. I’m not saying this because seeing her in that pop outfit last night made me realize how gorgeous she is. Though I will admit she’s cute. But she needs to be on America’s Next Top Model because there is no way in hell Tyra would let her continuously get away with talking back to the judges week after week. Tyra would have put a stop to that immediately with her mama bear ways. “You need to listen. We’re trying to help you.” And next week if Kenley kept it up, she would be booted, just like our poor misguided Nikeysha. (Although I think Nikeysha was eliminated just in time for makeovers, because seriously, what would you have done with that hair?) Oh imagine if Janice Dickinson were still a judge while Kenley was a hypothetical smack-talking contestant? Sigh. A boy can dream.

Did anyone else think that the guest judge/fashion designer on tonight’s America’s Next Top Model was a major asshole about the whole Samantha runway non-fiasco? Seriously. Major douchebag. And I really like Samantha. But I think my heart belongs to Joslyn. And maybe Sheena.

Netflix #42 - Spirited Away - Suggested by Minh, Nicky, Brian, Steven, and The Infamous Dr. Para

I wanted to see this for such a long time since I’ve heard such amazing things about it everywhere. And look at all the people that recommended it! But I have to say that I was disappointed. The animation was spectacular, and the character designs were all incredible. But the story just did nothing for me. Maybe I was just expecting the wrong thing? But I thought there was going to be a grand magical adventure through new and exciting worlds! But instead, it all took place in a bathhouse. And not one of those sexy bathhouses either. Just a regular bathhouse. With lots of soap and water, and not much excitement. I did however adore the cute little soot-balls and if anyone happens to have one I could keep as a pet, I would be very grateful. Thanks.

Netflix #43 - Gone Baby Gone - Suggested by Nicky and Tam

This was a great movie. I’ve never seen anything with Casey Affleck in it before, but he was fantastic. As was Michelle Monaghan, who’s movies (Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, Mission Impossible 3, hopefully Eagle Eye!) I always seem to enjoy, even though I’m not sure how much of it has to do with her, because her roles are never anything ground-breaking, but I enjoy her nonetheless. Oh, and Amy Ryan totally deserved her Oscar nomination for this, because even though her character was less than savory, she really pulled it off. The story was a downer, but kept me guessing, and even though the ending was a mix of emotions, I was left satisfied. It’s definitely worth renting if you haven’t seen it!

Keep your recommendations coming!

An epic fantasy that only the CW could bring us!

All kidding aside, you just know I’ll be watching. It’s based on The Sword of Truth series by Terry Goodkind. Anyone ever read them? I haven’t. Oh, and his name is Craig Horner. You’re welcome.

UPDATE: It’s aired now. HERE IS MY REVIEW!

And please no snarky comments from the peanut gallery who say Heroes was never great. Tonight’s episode was awesome! Hiro and Ando back together! And making comic book references! Eeeeevil Sylar! Veronica and Weevil! Lots of people using lots of powers! Mohinder and Maya! Okay, so maybe not everything was great. But if you put the two crappiest characters together, it cuts the amount of their crappy scenes in half. Great! Let’s hope it keeps up!

How was it, you ask? Very nice. The Amber Spyglass is coming along quite nicely. Oh, you mean leaving the house? Being out in nature? Sunlight? The cool breeze coming off the Long Island Sound? Yes, yes, that was lovely also.

What’s your favorite traditionally animated Disney movie? Mine’s Tarzan.