Caveat Emptor! Sexual phrases are not always what they appear to be. Before you end up in a sticky situation, you might want to get some of these phrases cleared up.
Oral Sex: That’s where you do it over the phone, right?
Anal Sex: Isn’t every time anal sex? “No, you’re doing it wrong! Where did you learn to do that? I hope you showered! Ugh, this is the worst!â€
Blow Job: This is just asking for trouble.
Sex Kitten: Okay work with me here. Sex: Good. Kittens: Good. Sex and kittens, gotta be good, right? So when someone’s like “I’m a sex kitten.†You’re like “Hmmmm, okay, I can go along with that.†And then it’s just like regular sex. Like, what’s up with that? Where are the kittens?
Water Sports: One time, someone was like: “You into water sports?†and I was like: “Hell no! It all sounds like fun, and starts off great, and then you have to be it in Marco Polo, and then it’s just torture.†And they were like: “Sigh.â€
Scat: And then this other time they were like: “Are you into scat?†And I was like: “Hell yeah! Shoobidy shoo bee dooby doo!†and they were like: “Uh, yeah, whatever.†And then they shat on me. True story! Okay, not really. And that water sports thing didn’t happen either.
Nipple Play: Unless you have four of them, and they light up like a game of Simon. I don’t really consider that playing. FYI: Simon is one of my most favorite games ever.
Poppers: I feel like these should be a delicious snack. But maybe just because they remind me of that awesome episode of Futurama. Those were popplers though.
Role Play: I don’t get it. No one is ever impressed with my level 5 wizard status.
Sugar Daddy: So everything starts out kinda normal. You go to the park. You eat one of those oversized rainbow lollipops. He asks you to call him Daddy. Whatever. He’s nice so you go along with it. Then before you know it he wants to have sex with you. Huh? I thought this was gonna be some sort of big brother program? But with candy.
Tossing Salad: Um, what?
Bush: You’d think with a name like bush, you’re supposed to let it grow out.
What other misleading sexual phrases am I forgetting?
Mark: Oh, I’m *so* much more schmoe.
Damn, we’re going to have to start finding blind dates for you guys. (And no smart ass comments about how they’d have to be blind to date you. That’s crap.) Maybe I could start a service.
Nice display of modesty Dave S.
I — on the other hand — cannot deny that I am the hottest person on the face of the planet.
Tam: Just make sure your service doesn’t have the Crypt Keeper as it’s spokesperson, and they allow gay couples
Nice display of Truth Craig!
Tam: Find me a date. I’ll take her out to see a local band.
Maybe Our Cat Philip. Dinner beforehand, with a stop at Cup O Joe to sit on the patio and sip a cup of coffee or two.
Now go go go!
(Do I sound too desparate? Because that’s what I was going for…)
Haha… Goatsee…
Almost as good as tubgirl (look it up Craig…)
I guess if you’re looking for examples of literal meanings not reflecting the action, you could go the ‘cherry’ route.
Dave S., at least it was you explaining to your son what “cock” is and not the other way around. Just 2 years ago, I had to explain to my mom what “BJ” meant and she’ll be 62 this year. I didn’t even realize shelters like that existed.
Mark: No Crypt Keeper and the gays are always welcome
Dave: Let me work on that. I know someone in Cincinnati, maybe she knows someone in Columbus. Not that far apart right? And dial back the desperation, its not pretty.
i am only 9 yirs old but my mommie left the comutir on and i red this, sumtimez i heered daddy say to mommy it iz a good day for boston pancakes and she sayz only if he will giv her the teabag. what iz everybodie talkin about?
Tam: I like someone who’s got a good beat and is easy to dance to.
Woohoo! Just got word that the power’s back on in my neighborhood! Woohoo again!
Now I get to see what all spoiled in my fridge and freezer…
Mark: Right??? and then when i finally figured out what it meant, i was like, “but…how do you blow if its in your mouth?” I still could not let go of the whole blowing concept.
Dave
Maybe that is a good dance and you can beat people to it.
Craig: I don’t know what Earth *you* are on, but on my Earth…oh who am I kidding, you are pretty damn special. Oh and ignore Nicky, don’t look up tub girl. Next he’ll have you look up octopus girl (god I need therapy after recalling that).
Mark: I totally wondered that when I was 13.
Tam: Pants with zip off legs was awesome!
Let’s clean things up a bit, anyone willing to admit bring the giver or receiver of a dutch oven?
I’m *so* glad all these terms are going over my head…
I think I vomited a little looking at the comments. Why must I read the comments!
How did you overlook rimming? If ever an activity required a euphemism it was that one, but ‘rimming’? Don’t they do that with salt in cocktail bars? I’ll never look at a margarita the same way again.
Sven: Look up tossing salad.
Why do I know all this stuff?!?
I like ‘rimming’ so much better and really don’t want to know where ‘tossing salad’ comes from. I’m afraid it might spoil my appetite for salads for quite a while.
Dave S., You might want to leave your daughter at home once in a while. Firstly, you look taken when she’s around and secondly (censored), brain bleach, please.
Dave: Taking into account your desperation I don’t think you can be too fussy. If she’s breathing you’ll be ahead of the game. Have patience, I put out feelers.
“You know I love you Craig, and Dave S. is a cutie. But as hot as you both of you are, if neither of you have had a date since Jan/Feb, I have to quote Vince, “It’s your own damn faultâ€. I wish I was half as hot as either one of you.” Amen, brother man, i am SO with you on THIS comment.
Dave S.: “Oh, I’m *so* much more schmoe”…yeah, okay, but a schmoe with ABS CARVED FROM MARBLE!!!
And I haven’t commented before now cause this whole thing was blocked at work. i hate when that happens.
But seriously, what rocks have you people been living under. You seriously had to look up a lot of those terms??? Really? Christ, I must be a much bigger slut than i ever imagined…
HUGS….
A friend of mine (although she shouldn’t be my friend after telling me this grossness) just told me about the “Alabama Hot Pocket”. It’s revolting, just so you all know.
Hey — Teach Me Something Tuesday is back!!!!
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The post sounds like something a Mormon would write.
Jesus. Mary. Joseph.
How about:
donkey punching
cleveland steamer
hot carl
hot lunch
sounding
and the worst “power bottoms”
A guy asked me one time if I was into Moogie shaving. I said no, I like my Ferangi grandparents hairy. Who knew? How misleading is that!!