Caveat Emptor! Sexual phrases are not always what they appear to be. Before you end up in a sticky situation, you might want to get some of these phrases cleared up.
Oral Sex: That’s where you do it over the phone, right?
Anal Sex: Isn’t every time anal sex? “No, you’re doing it wrong! Where did you learn to do that? I hope you showered! Ugh, this is the worst!â€
Blow Job: This is just asking for trouble.
Sex Kitten: Okay work with me here. Sex: Good. Kittens: Good. Sex and kittens, gotta be good, right? So when someone’s like “I’m a sex kitten.†You’re like “Hmmmm, okay, I can go along with that.†And then it’s just like regular sex. Like, what’s up with that? Where are the kittens?
Water Sports: One time, someone was like: “You into water sports?†and I was like: “Hell no! It all sounds like fun, and starts off great, and then you have to be it in Marco Polo, and then it’s just torture.†And they were like: “Sigh.â€
Scat: And then this other time they were like: “Are you into scat?†And I was like: “Hell yeah! Shoobidy shoo bee dooby doo!†and they were like: “Uh, yeah, whatever.†And then they shat on me. True story! Okay, not really. And that water sports thing didn’t happen either.
Nipple Play: Unless you have four of them, and they light up like a game of Simon. I don’t really consider that playing. FYI: Simon is one of my most favorite games ever.
Poppers: I feel like these should be a delicious snack. But maybe just because they remind me of that awesome episode of Futurama. Those were popplers though.
Role Play: I don’t get it. No one is ever impressed with my level 5 wizard status.
Sugar Daddy: So everything starts out kinda normal. You go to the park. You eat one of those oversized rainbow lollipops. He asks you to call him Daddy. Whatever. He’s nice so you go along with it. Then before you know it he wants to have sex with you. Huh? I thought this was gonna be some sort of big brother program? But with candy.
Tossing Salad: Um, what?
Bush: You’d think with a name like bush, you’re supposed to let it grow out.
What other misleading sexual phrases am I forgetting?
Role Play: But did they like your wand?
I offer you Space Docking and Cleavland Steam Roller. I’ve been scarred by looking the first up, so I leave you to your own devices to look that one up. As for Cleavland Steam Roller; it’s 6:45 and to early for me to be as clever as you.
Male Genitalia: Whatever you do, don’t misspell “male.” It doesn’t end well.
Okay, thanks so much for that extremely disturbing image this morning John. Hell, its waaaaay too early to have read that. Okay, there is NEVER a good time to have read that. Blech.
I’m glad that a couple of stories there were fictitious Craig because otherwise I’d be even more disturbed than I am thanks to John. I’d be careful with that sex kitten thing, kittens have sharp little needle claws, that could be painful.
And speaking of which, I just found out that my son had no idea that “cock” was slang for male genitalia. Seriously. He’s 14. Where did I fail as a father?
Of course, it did give me the opportunity to teach him all *sorts* of words he can use now that he’s in high school…
And I have no idea what water play is. A Broadway production of Little Nemo?
Oh, sorry, it’s *Nipple* play and Water *sports*. But I still don’t know what Water sports is…
Don’t mind me, just having another conversation with myself…
urbandictionary.com Dave. Better buy your son a book since you seem to be falling down on the job.
I’m pretty sure my 13 year old daughter would have gotten that one on a multiple choice test, which may not speak well for MY performance as parent.
john: I am forever scarred after looking those up. While they are both ridiculously disgusting, I have to admit that the term Space Docking is pretty clever. If only that cleverness was put to good use.
Okay, so *I* had to look up Space Docking, too. My first thought: Holy Crap! Then I realized, oh, that’s kinda the same thing… (except, I guess it would be “Holey”…)
Loved this phrase in the definition: “involves very accurate control and near-perfect alignment” Disgustingly funny.
All I can say is “Ew.”
The only term I’ve ever heard that scares me more than space docking is “pink sock.” You’ve been warned, do you really still want to look it up?
Craig, is this post your way of saying you really need a date?
AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!
Why do I insist on looking up these words???!!!
jerekeys: Actually, I think all these words are keeping me from dating ever again.
Craig: I remember the first time I looked up Space Docking. Someone made the statement and told me to look it up when I asked what it was. My usual response to those things is:
http://members.cox.net/seshomaru/the%20hot%20carl.jpg
(link it totally safe for work)
I had the same reaction when someone showed me goatsy for the first time. For the uninitiated, just let that one pass.
john: That LOL Cat is awesome.
Ugh. Had to look up goatsy too. I’m starting to regret this post.
Okay, I WANT to look that up jerekeys but I’m afraid. My mind is already working overtime on these others and I have a feeling it will be even worse than I’m imagining, but I’m sure before long I’ll have looked because my curiousity will get the better of me. I just thank god that urbandictionary doesn’t have pictures. It doesn’t does it? No wait, I don’t want to know.
That’s a cute link John.
Okay, my resistance to my curiousity lasted about 45 seconds. I had a feeling that’s what it was.The fact that I was able to figure it out and have my fears confirmed scares me slightly.
If only they made bleach for the brain.
Grossest day *ever.*
Dave S: Not my fault though! My terms were pretty standard! It’s you perverts who took it to the next level
Uh, Craig… “caveat emptor“? “Let the buyer beware”? I might suggest “caveat conficior” (let those who get together beware).
Help I need an adult! Or some mental floss.
Craig: I *told* you not to look! I love that lolcat, because some things can’t be unseen. Like goatsy and tub girl.
I had to look up pink sock. When will I learn?
John: At least you had to look it up. The fact that I knew what it was is not good. I’m not going anywhere near tub girl.
Smart woman Tam.
Craig: “Perverts”? We resemble that remark.
I’m so NOT gonna look any of those up. Rlly, humans are capable of such disgusting stuff. I feel so utterly normal. I like sex with people who are of legal age, reasonably good looking, clean. I don’t like to feel much pain and don’t like anything disgusting. It’s simple, right? If you surf these dating sites and online porn too much you’ll just be scarred for life.
I was confused by “blow job” for years.
This is too funny, and now I have a whole bunch of stuff to Google ; )
Nicole, what part of scarred for life you didn’t get? Don’t do that
Claudia: LOL, When I was about 13 i wondered what “blowing” on it did. I even tried blowing on mine. Didn’t do a thing for me.
“I haven’t been on a date since January.” I think you have your answer to that one.
What a bunch of novices. Try “rusty trombone” “strawberry shortcake” dirty sanchez” and ‘hot carl”
Also, drunk straight guys have given new meaning to the phrase “Can you do me a favor”.
David: I’m not going to do it, I’m not going to look (besides I already checked dirty sanchez a couple of years ago *hanging head in shame*) I have a limit of how many perversions I can read about before lunch and I think I’ve surpassed it.
1- Craig, is this “Tell me something I don’t know”?
2- Tops and bottoms do not mean pajamas.
Wouldn’t Dirty Sanchez be an awesome name for a Super Viagra villain?
Yes it would Craig. LOL
Trout slapping and teabagging always confused me. I’m all for food in the boo-dwar but sushi and tea are messy. The he was all wanting to have “snowballs”, and I was all “Um ok but its summertime… Freak!” Luckily anal sex means only once a year.
I’d hate to see how Dirty Sanchez fights, ewww.
This video discusses the Dirty Sanchez, as well as Sneak a Peak. It is called sex education in Iraq
i’m pretty sure no one calls it “space docking”, its just “docking”.
Damn, I leave for a meeting for a couple hours and look what Puntabulous has turned into.
Craig, you are going to get *so* many google hits from this comment string…
David from Brazil: I’m with you, brother. Of course, I haven’t had any opportunity for sex since *February*, so what do I know?
chambleee54: I was always confused by the term “versatile bottom.” (?) I still don’t understand that one. Reversable jogging shorts?
Dave: I think its those pants with the zip off legs that turn into shorts. Good for year around wear.
I worked as a lifeguard in Va Beach 20+ years ago. On the last day of training our instructor told us “If you don’t get laid this summer it’s your own damn fault”. You know I love you Craig, and Dave S. is a cutie. But as hot as you both of you are, if neither of you have had a date since Jan/Feb, I have to quote Vince, “It’s your own damn fault”. I wish I was half as hot as either one of you.
Tam: OMG, I love you. That was hilarious!
try a chili dog…. very sick…..*shudders*
What about an icy mike? Or Dan Savage’s contribution to modern language, santorum?
Mark: I don’t get hit on and I’m too shy to hit on someone else.
Damn. I guess that *does* translate into being my fault…
Craig, I guess we just have to have more self-confidence. But not in order to try out these new things we’re learning today. Anything but that…
Chili Dog: ughughgghgughgugh
Icy Mike: burrrrrrrrr and gross
Mark: It’s just so hard to meet people when they blatantly refuse to magically appear in front of me while sitting in my cubicle or in front of the TV or computer.
That sucks doesn’t it. It always works out that way in my fantasies. Oh well, screw Vince, what did he know.
Craig: “It’s just so hard to meet people when they blatantly refuse to magically appear in front of me…” Exactly! Why don’t our friends understand this?!
I guess you hotties and us schmoes face the same obsticles, oh well