I don’t know what happened,
They used to be just right,
But not any longer,
My pants are too tight.
I double check the tag,
Nope, they’re the right size,
But my belly hangs over,
I can’t believe my eyes.
There once was a time,
I’d eat what I wanted,
And never gain a pound,
It’s a trait that I flaunted.
Those days are long gone,
Now everything’s snug,
But it just ain’t that cute,
I’m no bug in a rug.
Nowadays I love to snack,
Don’t let that food linger,
If you don’t move any quicker,
I’ll eat that last chicken finger.
I know what you’re thinking:
“Craig! You are so lazy!”
But I refuse to work out,
So your comments don’t phase me.
Yeah, whatever, deadly sins,
I know one of them’s sloth.
But what do you expect?
I’m no man of the cloth.
So here’s to you youngins,
Who enjoy being svelt,
Enjoy it while it lasts,
Soon you’ll loosen the belt.
Cute but oh-so-depressing. Off to squirt some whipped cream in Bossy’s latte.
You definitely DON’T have to worry about your weight!
The poem itself is impressive though, particularly the rhyming. That’s much harder than you’d think. I’m taking a master’s poetry class right now and only one person submitted a poem so far that rhymed. The rest of us have to resort to free form.
Youth is wasted on the young. You have mad skillz in the rhyming department as my daughter would say.
This is so appropriate seeing that i just finished a banana for breakfast after getting up at 5 a.m. to go for a run and having to pick a second pair of pants this morning because the first pair don’t fit anymore…how much does lipo cost?
I think I can speak for Dave S., as well as myself, in saying the loosening of the belt isn’t necessarily inevitable.
43 years and still 30 inches. Damn proud of that.
Of course, I can’t tell you the last time I had a chicken finger, so it certainly is a trade-off. Have another one for me.
Choices, choices.
I could eat right and exercise a lot, and that’d probably add 10 years to my life.
Then again, that’s 10 more years of eating right and exercising. Sigh.
Bossy: Don’t forget the caramel.
Michelle: That’s awesome. I’d love to read some of your poems! I’m only good at writing the poetry that rhymes. I was surprised when someone referred to my Changing the World post as a poem. Does that really count at poetry?
Tam: Thanks!
Round Paul: Say HI to Ru for me.
David: Who invited you to my fat post party?
TwoPi: Agreed. A life without chicken fingers is no life at all.
Too close to home
I’m gonna go try to do sit ups in the corner now.
A response to Ode to Happier Times.
32×32 was the standard of life
athletic and fit, it helped land me a wife
but time soon passed, as it always will
and larger sized pants I started to fill
my waist got bigger, and the worst, oh lordy
my fine back yard was now a back forty!
the cause of all this, was my greatest fear
burgers, French fries, ice cream and beer
Not a big deal, I’d just cut back
Soon I’d be fit and hot in the sack
But it didn’t work, I was not getting slim
Too much time had passed, I required a gym
My brothers told me of my genetic fate
Not working out means increasing my weight
I hated working out and being all sweaty
Wanting ice cream and looks was hardly petty
So now I work out 3 to 6 times a week
And though I’m more fit, I’m not at my peak.
I like looking good, but cookies I can’t pass
But, there’s more to life than having a fine ass
Craig: I don’t like working out either, but as 40 looms it becomes more and more a necessary evil.
john: Didn’t anyone tell you that comments to posts aren’t supposed to be better than the actual posts themselves? That was freaking awesome!
Craig, people who love to talk about how (insert something they perceive as a defect) they are have no real intention of fixing it. But you certainly do it in a well-written and entertaining way, and that’s why we wuv you
Seriously. I’m not falling for it. You and I both know the day you really decide you want to change, you won’t need anyone else telling you what to do, and you won’t need to ask anyone either. You just go and do it. Cause in the end, the ONLY good reason to get fit is yourself. Doing it “for other people” is never going to work, even if it is the love of your life, much less a perceived amorphous mass of sex-obsessed gay strangers. The only good and lasting reason to change comes from within. Sounds corny as hell, but ’tis true.
So good luck with that.
Ah. Yeah, I wish I could loosen my belt… That sounds kind of weird.
But seriously, I can’t gain weight! I’ve been 110 for so long. Last semester I hit 115 but now I’m back at 110. And I try to gain weight and it doesn’t work. Guess my metabolism es muy rapido
Craig, at it’s simplest weight is just the result of supply & demand. I have no idea how to increase the demand without increased physical activity, that would leave you only with reducing supply aka eat less, less calories, less fat, less carbs, less fun. You’re still allowed to sniff those chicken fingers, tho, so not all is lost.
Maybe there is physical activity that you wouldn’t think of as working out, like sex (top only), dancing, sex, playing team-sports (not bowling), sex, taking the stairs, sex, bicycling to work, etc.
Otherwise, just pretend you are a pregnant transsexual.
Craig: Stop, I’ll blush (and thank you, what can I say, I was inspired). Hey, I gotta have something: Polt’s all smart and political, you’re funny and clever and Dave S. is talented and abtastic.
I got bunnies.
Nicky: My nephews are the same. One of them is 5’9″ and is 108 the other is 5’6″ and it took him 20 years to break 100lbs. The third in that family is the heavy weight at 5’8″ and 125lbs.
Stop right there bernd. “Top Only”? You obviously haven’t been with creative people. I’ll…. stop now before this comment section becomes seriously NSFW.
Okay, I’m finally weighing in. Uh, no pun intended…
I despise anything aerobic. I run on the treadmill occasionally (like, *maybe* once or twice a week for a mere 20 minutes), but I hate hate hate it.
And a life without delicious fried foods? May it never be. And Dairy Queen ice cream. Best thing ever. And beer. And peanut butter M&M’s. And Raising Cane’s.
Damn. I’m hungry…
so cute! i totally feel you, i have BEEN there. its when you know you’re getting old. now i look at teenagers at the mall eating french fries with care-free abandon with loathing.
I mean, it’s great that everyone is being all supportive and giving suggestions for weight loss and all that, but let’s keep it in perspective: did we all just forget that Craig is *still* totally adorable? I mean, if you’re gaining weight, you’re wearing it oh-so-well. And there’s nothing hotter than a man with a chicken finger in his mouth…
*That’s* my problem… Anyone got a chicken finger I can borrow?
(I’ll give it back when I’m done…)
Nicky: 110?! How tall are you? I also hated my super skinny days. I’m happy with the weight I’ve put on.
Bernd: Pregnant transexual…brilliant!
David from Brazil: Don’t worry. I’m also interested in what Bernd has to say!
Dave S: What are Rasing Cane’s?
Claudia: I hate teenagers anyway, so it’s all good.
Thom C: Oh you flatterer!
Teenage Fans: Just kidding, I love you!
Craig: Raising Cane’s is a fast food place that only sells chicken fingers. Best ever. Seriously. They literally have only four things on their menu: Chicken fingers, fries, cole slaw, and garlic bread. That’s it. Because you really only go there for the chicken fingers..
Mmm… I think I’m going there for dinner tonight.
John: Amazing post, well done.
Nicky: I hate you.
(not really, luv ya)
Now I’m going to go and eat my lame-ass leftovers for lunch. I’m starved after all this talk. Guess I’ll be joining a gym. Sigh.
Dave S. I hate you, I can’t even smell those things, without gaining weight.
As for t/b, I’m sweat-soaked whichever end of the stick I get, but coupling Craig’s unwillingness to work-out with bottoming did not add up to increased physical activity. Of course he could graduate to bottoming …
Tam: Thanks.
Dave S.: You look like you do and only do cardio “*maybe* once or twice a week for a mere 20 minutes”? You realize I hate you as much as Nicky now, right?
Chicken fingers? Has no one heard of crispy cajun chicken fritters?
And btw, you’re still a “youngin”
And still damn Hot!
I’d so love to feel for you, but given the fact I was BORN with thunder thighs, you’ll understand if I don’t – given there was a time in your life you could indulge without repercussion. Oh, to have even a DAY in my life where I could eat whatever I want and not gain weight…
sigh….
Neat poem. I have not written rhyming (or frankly any) poetry in quite a while. It was always tricky for my to avoid having my rhyming poetry sound too Cat in the Hat-esque, especial when I intended for it to be deep and serious.
I think metabolism can work in cycles as we age, or perhaps there is an adjustment window to an altered base metabolic rate. In my late teens I had a 28″ waist. When I was in my mid 20′s I had a 34″ waist. By my late 20′s I was back down to a 30″ waist. I made some minor alterations to some my diet, but I generally eat what ever I want whenever I want. So I think my appetite gradually changed to mesh with my new metabolic rate.
I actually like not being super skinny anymore. My face has filled out more and I seem to carry most of my weight on my upper torso so I can throw on a tight shirt and look buff to the untrained eye.