Turns out the world’s first joke was a fart joke dating back to 1900 BC. An ancient Sumerian (of Sumer, located in southern Mesopotamia, now Iraq) proverb goes: “Something which has never occurred since time immemorial; a young woman did not fart in her husband’s lap.” Um, I don’t get it. Farting on someone else’s lap? Kinda funny I guess. Farting on someone else’s pillow? Hysterical. Star Wars fart jokes? Abysmal. But there you have it. The world’s oldest joke.
Teach me something new or tell me your favorite bad joke.
I’ll start:
What do you call cheese that isn’t your own?
Nacho Cheese.
A man and a young boy are walking into the woods at dusk. The little boy starts crying and the man asks him what’s wrong? The little boy looks up at the man and says he is scared. The man looks down at him and says, “You think you’re scared, I have to walk out of here alone in the dark!”
On your right is a herd of gazelles being chased by a lion.
In front of you are four deer.
Behind you are five stampeding horses.
On your left and right are Ostriches blocking you in.
What must you do to get out of this highly dangerous situation?
Get off the merry-go-round.
(okay, I *suck* at telling jokes…)
What do you call a dog with no legs?
Doesn’t matter, he won’t come when you call anyway.
Yeah, yeah, a comedian I’m not. I don’t get the Sumerian joke either.
Farting on someone’s pillow? really? Shame!
(it is kinda of funny though)
A guy is running late for work and speeding to get there. As he speeds over a bridge, he noticed a cop car sitting in the bushes. That cop car comes out and pulls him over. The cop says to him, “Do you know how fast you were going?”
“I’m sorry officer, but I needed to get to work.”
“What do you do?” asked the officer.
“I’m a Asshole Stretcher.”
“What’s a Asshole Stretcher do?”
“Well, I start with one finger, and once that’s loosened it up, I go with two fingers, and then three and then four, and then my fist, and eventually the other fist and then I keep working them and moving them and stretching them until I can get the asshole stretched out to about six feet.”
The cop looks at him in disbelief. “Well…well, what do you do with a six foot asshole?”
“You give him a badge and a gun and put him in a cop car next to a bridge.”
Ba-dum-DUM! Thanks, thanks, I’ll be here all week. Try the veal and don’t forget to tip your waiters!
HUGS…
I have a feeling no good can come of this….
Said the Buddhist to the hot dog vendor: “Make me one with everything.”
I almost went with the blond joke.
john: I needed a friend to explain your’s to me. “Read it slow and forget about the hot dog,” he said. And then I got it. Love it.
Tam: Your’s made me LOL at work.
Thank you for explaining John’s joke Craig. Not too swift here. Glad I could make you smile.
john: That was hilarious.
Polt: That was disgustingly funny.
Tam: That was LOL.
Craig: That made me laugh with juvenile sincerity.
Hayden: That was worth repeating to my coworker.
And then there was the dyslexic, insomniac atheist who stayed up all night, wondering whether there is a dog
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Morning in the chicken coop. A hen sees the lots rooster running toward her and starts thinking: What to do? What to do? If I stand still he’ll think I’m a slut. I’m not stupid enough to run away. Well, I think I better stumble.
Hey, I just noticed that this is the 17th TMST. Sheesh — has it been that many already?!
A boy and a priest are playing ping-pong. The boy misses, and cusses out loud: “Shit!”. The priest admonishes him and tells him he should not say bad words, as God is watching. They play some more, and the boy stumbles and lets his racket drop. “Screw it”. The priest agains warns him not to curse, and the boy goes “yeah yeah, whatever”. After a few more balls, the boy is defeated, and goes “godamn it, what the hell!?”. Suddenly there is a bright flash of light and the sound of thunder, and the priest drops in a blaze of fire to the ground. A grave voice is then heard from the skies…
“Fuck, I missed!”.
Me: Hey, I have this great joke…
Co-worker: ::sigh:: I’m not really interested in hearing about your love life, Dave.
Ouch.
(It’s funny because it’s true!) (sadly…)
Bernd: Can you explain the chicken one? I’m a tad perplexed.
Rooster wants nookie. Hen wants nookie too, so she doesn’t want to run away, but doesn’t want him to perceive her as a slut. Hence she stumbles to give rooster access to her tender parts. All happy
sorry, this is my favorite joke and it works better in German.
Alright, I’m with you Bernd. I’m a little slow! Danke!
A man walks into a bar with an octopus and says: “I bet you my octopus can play any instrument in this bar for a free drink.”
The bartender agrees and produces a guitar. The Man places the octopus on the guitar. It proceeds to feel around the string and then to play a tune on the guitar. The man asks for his drink.
The bartender says, wait, one more and leads the man and invertebrate to the piano. Again the man places the octopus on the instrument where it feels its way around and begins to play a tune. The man again asks for his free drink.
The bartender says: “One more!” and leaves for the back room, returning with a set of bag pipes. The man places the octopus on the instrument where it starts feeling its way around. After a few minutes of feeling around the man says “Hey, what gives? You going to play this thing or what?”
The octopus replies: “Play it? If I can figure out how to get these pajamas off I’m going to fuck it!”
Craig & Tam: I didn’t get my first joke right away either, but when I did I loved it.
Hayden: I *love* that joke!
Dave S.: I’m repeating your joke to my coworker as I type. (the merry go round one, not your love life. Ouch, your coworkers are mean.)
john: That was brilliant.
A man walks into a psychiatrist’s office wearing nothing but underwear made of Saran Wrap.
The psychiatrist looks at him and says, “I can clearly see your (you’re) nuts.”
HAHAHAHAHA! thank you everyone, these are great!
Jill, that’s hi-larious!
David from Brazil: That was hilarious. I LOL in my office got caught and had to repeat it. She laughed.
Dave S: Funny, sad but funny.
John: The octopus joke is great.
David from Brazil: That was awesome.
A man walks into a bar with a giraffe and they proceed to get blitzed. The giraffe drinks so much it passes out on the floor. The man gets up and heads for the door to leave the bar when the bartender yells, “Hey, mister! You can’t leave that lyin’ there!†The drunk replies, “That’s not a lion! That’s a giraffe.â€
Does anyone have a derrogatory joke about co-workers? Because I could use a good venting right now… >:(
CYE Dave. It was too long to post here but good for days when you want to slap someone silly.
What’s brown and sticky?!?!?
A stick.
A man walks into a bar. He yells, “Ouch! That hurt!”.
Ok why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead
Thats my favorite joke ever
What’s blue and red and has three eyes and lives on a tree and eats children?
A monster.
This one comes courtesy of my Mom. Person A is the one telling the joke.
Person A: Why did the elephant wear red nail polish?
Person B: Why?
Person A: So it could hide in a cherry tree. Did you ever see an elephant in a cherry tree?
Person B: No.
Person A: See how well it works!
People in the Sun: Love it.
Josh: Bad, funny but bad. LOL
Josh, Nicky and Chris: All hysterical! Oh and FDot too!
Craig: Now we know where it comes from. Your moms is funny.
From my coworker:
What’s brown and sounds like a bell?
“DUNG!”
Okay, now, for some reason, I have Huey Lewis and the News in my head singing “I Want a New Drug,” except — thanks to john — the word “drug” has been swapped with “dung”…
It gives the song an entirely different meaning.
John: Bad
Dave: I worry about you. CYE again.
What is CYE?
Aw, I liked the Dung one!
A family, little boy, girl, mom and dad, goes to the park with their new puppy. As soon as they get to the park the puppy makes a run for it and is heading for a huge cliff. The whole family runs after the puppy screaming and yelling for it to stop. The puppy is about to go over the cliff when the little girl grabs the puppy by the hind legs. The momentum of the dog carries the little girl about to go over the cliff, the mom catches up and grabs the legs of the little girl but they are about to slip over the cliff, the dad tries to stop them but his momentum can’t stop them and they all fall over the cliff to their death. The little boy catches up, looks over the cliff and starts to cry as he sees his family and dog dead at the base of the cliff. A man runs over and asks the boy what is wrong. The little boy tell him what happens and the man starts to unzip his pants and says don’t worry, your day is about to get alot worse….
Craig: Check Your Email. I just figured it out about two minutes ago. I thought maybe it was a Canadian thing…
Dave S: Okay I need to admit something. After I read “Check Your Email” I went and checked my email because I thought you emailed it to me.
Oh goodness. I can’t believe I confessed to that.
Dave S., perhaps if you cut back on the scat songs, maybe you’re love-life wouldn’t be such a joke that apparently your co-workers think it is?
Just trying to help, buddy.
HUGS….
Sheesh you guys are out of the loop. I thought “everyone” knew CYE. Sigh. Hell, maybe it is a Canadian thing. *shrug*
Do you want me to send them to you Craig? Then I can leave a post saying “Craig: CYE”
Craig: Damn, that was awesome! Checking your email…
On a day that started good, but has frustratingly been going downhill ever since, that was a spot of laughter that I desperately needed…
Polt: Scat as in “scram!” “shoo!” and “get outta here, ya damn kids!” ?
Hmm…I guess me yelling at attractive young women to get the hell off my lawn and use the damn sidewalk *could* be impeding my love life…
Or you could turn the sprinklers on to get them off your lawn. I mean, who would want wet skantily clad ladies on their lawn? Geez.
I’m suddenly realizing I’ve been going about this all wrong. I gotta get me a damn sprinkler…fast!!
Suddenly I have a desire to do yard work.
What’s the last thing to go through a bug’s mind as it hits the windshield?
It’s ass.
Hayden: Your’s is my fave.