Puntabulous

It’s almost like having Lucille Bluth back in our lives!

I enjoyed Fringe again last night. Nothing great, but an enjoyable hour of television. The problem I sense coming though is that soon anything will be possible. Yes, that’s the point of the show: teleportation, reanimation, cloning, so forth and so on. But once anything is possible, any challenge should be faced with ease. But if every challenge is faced with ease, there wouldn’t really be a show.

For example, just two episodes in, and we’ve already talked to a dead guy, and saw the last sight of a dead woman. If you ask me, that’s pretty much got everything covered right there that you’d need to solve a murder mystery. I predict that each new episode will introduce a new fringe-y way of solving a mystery, and yet, the characters will most likely forget all of the ways they’ve previously solved them.

I don’t want there to come a time when I’m sitting there thinking: “Why don’t they just do that thing where they talk to the dead guy?” And if each new episode introduces us to something new, we’re all gonna be thinking: “Why didn’t they do this, or that, like they did that one time?” But I also don’t want lame excuses why they can’t revisit old techniques, like “Oh, we can’t do that again because the light refraction of the negative cuff links are all off!” Or something.

So be careful Fringe writers. I know you want to give us loads of cool things, but us fanboys have good memories and we aren’t easily fooled with lame excuses to get around previously established plot points. Oh, and can you also tone down the crazy Dr. Bishop act? It’s kinda getting on my nerves.

Caveat Emptor! Sexual phrases are not always what they appear to be. Before you end up in a sticky situation, you might want to get some of these phrases cleared up.

Oral Sex: That’s where you do it over the phone, right?

Anal Sex: Isn’t every time anal sex? “No, you’re doing it wrong! Where did you learn to do that? I hope you showered! Ugh, this is the worst!”

Blow Job: This is just asking for trouble.

Sex Kitten: Okay work with me here. Sex: Good. Kittens: Good. Sex and kittens, gotta be good, right? So when someone’s like “I’m a sex kitten.” You’re like “Hmmmm, okay, I can go along with that.” And then it’s just like regular sex. Like, what’s up with that? Where are the kittens?

Water Sports: One time, someone was like: “You into water sports?” and I was like: “Hell no! It all sounds like fun, and starts off great, and then you have to be it in Marco Polo, and then it’s just torture.” And they were like: “Sigh.”

Scat: And then this other time they were like: “Are you into scat?” And I was like: “Hell yeah! Shoobidy shoo bee dooby doo!” and they were like: “Uh, yeah, whatever.” And then they shat on me. True story! Okay, not really. And that water sports thing didn’t happen either.

Nipple Play: Unless you have four of them, and they light up like a game of Simon. I don’t really consider that playing. FYI: Simon is one of my most favorite games ever.

Poppers: I feel like these should be a delicious snack. But maybe just because they remind me of that awesome episode of Futurama. Those were popplers though.

Role Play: I don’t get it. No one is ever impressed with my level 5 wizard status.

Sugar Daddy: So everything starts out kinda normal. You go to the park. You eat one of those oversized rainbow lollipops. He asks you to call him Daddy. Whatever. He’s nice so you go along with it. Then before you know it he wants to have sex with you. Huh? I thought this was gonna be some sort of big brother program? But with candy.

Tossing Salad: Um, what?

Bush: You’d think with a name like bush, you’re supposed to let it grow out.

What other misleading sexual phrases am I forgetting?

I’ve been sitting here for the past twenty minutes with a biore strip on my nose and a glass of sangria in my hand whilst trying to think of something entertaining for you all, and I’m sorry to report that I’ve come up empty handed. Some random topics I’ve toyed with are: 1) That I haven’t been on a date since January. Seriously, January. Perhaps I need stronger biore? 2) That I’m really excited about TV Night tonight, which is where a bunch of friends and enthusiastic TV watchers gather at a bar to discuss recent TV highlights. It’s so much fun. You should be totally jealous. 3) That I watched the new CW show Privileged and it was kinda awesome. Funny, soapy, and even kinda geeky! 4) That the first seasons of Chuck and Pushing Daisies come out on DVD tomorrow and I’m really excited, because those were the two best shows on TV last season. 5) Someone at work said I reminded them of Tom Hanks. And when I made that “What are you talking about?” face, they were like, “Stop! You’re doing it again!” as in “You’re doing your Tom Hanks thing again!” So apparently confused and douchey are interchangeable.

But none of these topics could really pan out into a full fledged post. So uh, how are you?

by Craig McAnally

There was once a boy who wanted to change the world.
Unsure of how, he asked his mother.
“How do I change the world?”
And his mother said: “I do not know. You will need to ask the world.”
So the boy left his home and asked the grass.
“How do I change the world?”
The grass thought for a moment then said.
“I would not know. It is impossible for me to change the world.
Water makes me grow tall and wide.
And the sun makes me healthy and green.
I cannot change the world. The world changes me.”
Unhappy with that answer, the boy moved on.
He travelled far until he reached a mountain.
“How do I change the world?”
The mountain old and sturdy said.
“I would not know. It is impossible for me to change the world.
In the spring, grass makes me green,
And in the winter, snow makes me white.
I cannot change the world. The world changes me.”
Still unhappy, the boy moved on.
He walked for miles until he reached the ocean.
“How do I change the world?”
The ocean moved thoughtfully in and out of shore.
“I would not know. It is impossible for me to change the world.
Water from the mountain makes me rise and fall.
And the currents make me flow.
I cannot change the world. The world changes me.”
Discouraged, the boy walked home.
Once there his mother asked.
“Did you find the answer you were looking for?”
“No” said the boy.
“The grass, the mountain, and the ocean said
They could not change the world.”
“Well that does not seem right,” said his mother.
“Grass on the mountain makes it green and beautiful,
And the mountain sends water to nourish the ocean,
And water from the ocean makes grass tall and strong.
It seems to me that they fail to recognize their own importance.”
The boy thought for a moment and smiled.
He knew then that power to change the world was closer than he thought.
And it always was.

Now that a few months have gone by, have you had proper time to roll Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull around in your heads? Have you thought to yourself: “Hmmm, was it really as good as I thought?” Believe me, I’ve been there with just about every Star Wars prequel. I’d come out of the theater proclaiming it was the BEST! MOVIE! EVER! and then each subsequent viewing on DVD makes me realize how terrible (okay, fine, not good) they really are. If this review (written at the time of release) is any indication, I might end up feeling the same way about the new Indiana Jones adventure. It’s long and extremely thorough, but a very enjoyable read that I highly recommend. CHECK IT OUT!

It’s true. I’ve fallen in love. Allow me introduce you to my Acer Aspire One Netbook. Let me preface the story of how we met by telling you about my laptop. The one I got three years ago and had grand plans of taking it everywhere. And my everywhere, I mean it never left my desk once.

But then I read about these things called Netbooks on Gizmodo and they’re super portable laptops. They don’t have the best specs out there, but the 1GB of RAM and 120GB of Memory beats the pants off the 512MB of RAM and 80GB of Memory on my big clunker laptop. Did I mention that the old clunker never left my desk once?

But there were so many different kinds of Netbooks, I had no idea what to choose! There was the ASUS Eee, the MSI Wind, and of course the Acer Aspire One. Note that none of those link to the $399 version I bought because I got it a week ago so naturally it’s already outdated. But that’s okay. So I researched my booty off. Seriously, I don’t know where it is. If you find it, please get it back to me. And don’t do anything dirty to it please. Pervert. But anyway, after all my very sophisticated research, I settled on the Acer because I feel like I got the most for my money. And it came in blue.

So I got my shiny blue Netbook in the mail the other day and it has been magic ever since. Magic, you ask? Yes, magic. Because I can take it anywhere I go. Like my bed. And the couch. And um, all the other exciting places I go. But wait! It get’s more exciting. I can take it on the train to work, where I have a full hour every day where I am forced to focus on writing my children’s book, which is currently up to page 21, thank you very much. So basically I’ve set up some sort of children’s book writing sweatshop for myself. Grand.

So Fringe was pretty awesome tonight, right? I think the cast all seemed pretty good and likable. Good to have you back Josh! Loved the freaky opening scene. It’s amazing what they can do on television these days. And the mystery seems really intriguing also. The line “Question him.” at the end was ridiculously awesome. Thoughts?

Alright, I finished Season 2 of Star Trek: Next Generation. It was a vast improvement over the already good Season 1. Here are some of my thoughts:

The Writer’s Strike of 1988: People warned me that this season wasn’t any good because it was cut short by the Writer’s Strike, but I thought the effects were minimal. The season was cut short, but since it was the 80’s and shows actually had a suitable number of episodes, there were still 22 shows, which is a standard season these days, so it seemed normal. Also the first episode from the season was a rework of a script from Star Trek: Phase II and the last episode was a clip show. Both were pretty crappy episodes, but a bad episode of Star Trek is still an episode of Star Trek and therefore not all that bad.

Defending Dr. Pulaski: Occasionally watching reruns late at night, I never figured out how that random doctor who wasn’t Dr. Crusher fit into the whole scheme of things. Then when I watched Season 1 and Dr. Crusher was there and I already knew that she would be there in the movies that take place after the series, I looked it up online and read about how Dr. Pulaski replaced Dr. Crusher in season 2 but was disliked so much by the fans that Dr. Crusher was brought back. So I fully expected to hate her. When she first appeared and didn’t get along with Data, an inkling of hatred began to form. But she worked out her concerns with Data in the first few episodes, and it turns out that she was actually pretty cool. While Dr. Crusher is like the caring family pediatrician, Dr. Pulaski is more of a thinking scientist who also had a bit of a sarcastic sense of humor that I enjoyed. Granted I like the idea of Dr. Crusher and the history she shares with Captain Piccard, which leads to a more multi-faceted character, I respected what Dr. Pulaski brought to the crew.

The Recreation: Turns out there’s more to do on the U.S.S. Enterprise than play out your sexual fantasies on the Holodeck. Season 2 introduced us to the lounge Ten-Forward run by the mysterious and wise Guinan, played by Whoopi Goldberg, and was also the season of the first poker game. You can pretty much guarantee that any scene involving Ten Forward and/or poker is gonna be fun and really adds to the natural chemistry between all the actors. Oh, and Guinan and Q know each other, which I just think is all sorts of awesome. She also delivers my favorite line ever in the clip below:

Lwaxana Troi: Why didn’t anyone give this woman her own sitcom? Yes, I realize that her episode this season made just about all the same jokes as her episode last season, but I just get such a kick out of her and her crazy tall assistant Homn.

Stand Out Episodes: This season had the first encounter with The Borg in the episode Q Who. The Borg are just about the best villains in science fiction history and also the antagonist in the best Star Trek movie (yes, even better than Wrath of Khan) First Contact. Another episode that I absolutely loved was Measure of a Man where a Federation engineer wants to disassemble Data in order to figure out how he works so the Federation can make more of him. Data protested so they had to have a trial in order to determine Data’s rights as either his own person or the property of the Federation. It was just such an amazing episode. I especially liked how Data keeping a hologram of his friend and comrade Tasha Yar was used as evidence to prove his more human sensibilities. I realize that last sentence won’t make sense if you don’t know what I’m talking about, but trust me, it was really great.

Now I’m switching to Season 2 of Babylon 5, which I started over the weekend. I’m already liking Commander Sheridan better than Commander Sinclair and Londo’s hair has been vastly improved. I have a good feeling about this.

Um, what? Did I just thoroughly enjoy an episode of Gossip Girl? Because I was under the impression that I didn’t like Gossip Girl. But I gave it another shot at the urging of Meg and it was kind of awesome. And hysterical. Blair might be my favorite person ever. She had me at “Bee Tee Double-U”.

Anyone who knows me knows I hate talking about politics, which is why you’ll never see me talking about them (it?) on here. This post is a list of things I find irritating about politics and things I find wrong with both parties. Examples I use should in no way be interpreted as my personal viewpoint or endorsement. Try and keep your comments general in regards to what you don’t like about politics and not about a specific party. It’s just not how I roll. So here goes.

Here are some things that bug me about politics:

The Extremes: Are there no republicans or democrats anymore? Why is everyone conservative or liberal? I hate the idea that you’re not a proper republican or democrat unless you’re far conservative or liberal.

The Insults: Whenever politicians want to prove that they’re just like us they either go to a seedy bar and drink a shot of whiskey, or go buck hunting. Is that all us average Americans are into? Drinking and hunting? Don’t you find that a tad insulting? How about taking a break from the campaign to see The Dark Knight? I’d be impressed!

The Debating: Is anyone ever gonna be like: “Oh! That’s why you’re for abortion? I never thought of that before! I’m totally Pro-Choice now!” No. Not gonna happen. So how about everyone just shuts their traps?

The Cattiness: A few years ago I heard someone on the train say: “Yeah, I’m gonna go see Passion of the Christ because I’m curious, but I’m gonna buy a ticket for another movie because I don’t want to show it any support.” Um, what? Don’t be a dick. Oh, and did you know that “Obama Nation” is a play on the word “Abomination”? I just figured that out. I’m a little slow. Isn’t that the most ridiculous play on words ever?

The Hyperbole: “He scares the crap out of me!” Really? You know what scares me? People who punch kittens in the face. I’m pretty sure both candidates are really nice people. How about: “I really hope he doesn’t win.”

The Hypocrisy: “The children of the candidates are off limits!” Unless they’re pocket-sized and adorable and say cute things, or if they’re going off to fight in Iraq, or if they make good photo-ops.

The Definitions: I understand that by definition reporters are supposed to be impartial while commentators are allowed to be partial. But to me, anyone in the newspaper, or on the TV or radio giving me news is a reporter and shouldn’t be partial. You know what they say: “A rose by any other name would still have let go of Jack’s hand.” Or something.

The Life or Death Stakes: Oh my god! This is the most important election ever in the history of elections! Whoever wins, the world will implode upon itself just as the other party had tried to warn you about! Why didn’t you listen?! You bastard! Also, your life is so frakked up, that you need a new president to fix everything for you, which again goes back to the insulting aspect.

Okay fine, you want to know who I’m endorsing? I’m campaigning for a Michelle Obama/Sarah Palin co-president ticket, like some sort of Amazonian society that you’d see on episode of Star Trek. I bow down to our sassy overlords! And if they ever disagree on a topic, they can settle it with a bikini mud wrestling match. You say sexist, I say patriotic!

Okay so my friend Mark sent me the song “The Magic Position” by Patrick Wolf a while ago. I’m not sure if I ever listened to it, or just glanced over it, but it came on my iPod the other day and I was immediately hooked. I proceeded to play it over and over again for the entire day.

When I got home that night I looked up the video on YouTube and was immediately horrified by what I saw. It was nothing like the glorious video I envisioned in my head, full of fun dancing reminiscent of those Old Navy commercials from the late 90’s. Instead I got this pretentious piece of poop filled with emo juice and bad idea pants (term borrowed from Meg), which just smacks of cooler-than-you hipster smugness. But the song is still awesome so here you go:

Oh, and for the record, Patrick prefers not to discuss his sexuality and states that “I don’t like to belong to any genre… sexually and romantically, I want to be free always.” Riiiiiiight. I want to see him have sex — stone sober — with a woman. Not gonna happen.

Okay, I finished The Subtle Knife (His Dark Materials, Book 2) by Philip Pullman. While suffering a bit from middle book syndrome, I enjoyed it thoroughly. Part of me feels like it didn’t have its own story and only served as set up for the final book, but I suppose that’s the way these things work. What exactly was The Empire Strikes Back about, anyway?

I worried about the introduction of Will Parry and his interference with Lyra, who I loved, and was disappointed that she played a smaller role this time around. But as you assured me, I learned to love Will, and this book was really his story, and I could appreciate it. I wasn’t crazy about the way Will’s maturity made Lyra’s outgoingness (totally a word) seem almost bratty, but it did give Lyra a chance to grow as a character, and I look forward to seeing where they both go in the final book.

I was also disappointed with the small amount of page time dedicated to Mrs. Coulter. Again, this book was more about Will, but I was completely captivated by every scene involving her and her evil golden monkey, so I was just longing for more. But I guess that’s a good thing, right? Keep me wanting more, rather than giving me too much and getting overloaded.

I’m incredibly interested in seeing where the story goes. There are a lot of things going on (What role does the awesome Mary Malone figure into all this? What are the Spectres? What about the Angels?) and it’s hard to tell who’s good and who’s evil, but I suppose all will be revealed in due time. I’ve heard mixed reviews about the final book, The Amber Spyglass, so I hope I’m not disappointed. Although I have a tendency to like my stories wrapped up nice and neat (“What? You mean Jack and Ennis don’t live happily ever after? What a crappy movie!”) so I may have to lower my expectations going in, because if The Subtle Knife taught me anything, it’s that stories rarely get wrapped up with a nice cute bow around them.

Let’s discuss things in a bit more spoilery detail in the comment section, shall we? Just no spoilers for Book 3 please!