Seeing as though I haven’t been on a date since January, I’ve decided to try my hand at online dating again. In my experience with them, I’ve found that even the bad ones aren’t so bad, and if they’re really bad, then at least you have good stories to tell friends. Like that time I went on a date with someone who told me beforehand that he wore hearing aids, and it turned out he was deaf. Which is fine, just surprising because for some reason I didn’t connect “hearing aids” with “deaf”. Call me dense, but I just need things to be spelled out for me a little clearer.
But that date taught me the importance of talking to the people I’m meeting over the phone (or TDD) first, which led to the time I talked to the master xylophone (he called it a marimba, but seriously, it’s just a big xylophone) player over the phone and he told me to (and I quote): “Talk to me like I’m your boyfriend.” Um, what? Didn’t end up going on that date. So thank you deaf guy, for teaching me that valuable lesson and helping me not go on a date with creepy xylophone guy and getting chopped to bits and thrown into the ocean.
Oh, but online dating isn’t all bad. I had my first kiss (male or female) on an online date. Did I mention I was a sophmore in college and nineteen at the time? What can I say? I was a late bloomer! His name was Artie, and starting up the whole online dating process again made me think of him so I looked him up on Facebook and added him as a friend. He probably has no idea who I am, and is gonna be all like WTF? But while I’m sure I was just another guy he went on a date with, he was my first kiss, and who doesn’t remember their first kiss?
Anyway, on this new online dating venture of mine, I’ve enlisted the help of the master of seduction himself: Dr. Phil. That’s correct, I’ve joined Match.com. And by “joined” don’t think I mean “subscribed”, because that would insinuate that I actually paid for my membership, but I did not. I’m on the free plan where you can only wink at people, rather than sending them messages. But the way I see it, my screenname on their is Puntabulous, and if we wink at each other, shouldn’t they just google “Puntablous”, find my blog, find my email, and then email me there? I know that’s what I would do. And if they’re not smart enough to figure that out, then perhaps I wouldn’t want to date them anyway. Unless they do google “Puntabulous”, find my blog, realize what a giant turd-burger I am, and join a nunnery. Then I’m screwed. Wish me luck!
So tell me some of your online dating stories! Or about your first kiss!
I disagree. It’s up to Joe to share his own pics.
And come on David, it’s about time we knew what you looked like also!
Awww. Craig – the title of this post is so sad (and yet funny at the same time). I have every confidence you will find someone deserving of you. Turdburgers are hard to come by. I highly recommend falling in love with a friend. Worked for me and my husband. We met when I signed him up at a video dating service (before online dating took off). We were friends for a few months when after a few (or more) drinks (get over it Nicky) we started making out. Do you have a cute friend you could liquor up/make out with?
First (real/open mouth) kiss: Also a late bloomer (or good girl?). It was my first year in college. It was very surreal – I felt like I was looking down on him going in for the kill and laughing the whole time. Poor guy…
…and wouldn’t it be a monastery?
john – do you/did you have a recent birthday?
Well done Michelle! It’s about time someone told Nicky to simma da na with his alcohol issues
Joe: I can do all of that too. And I can put both feet behind my head, touch my feet to my head while lying down on my stomach OR while standing up. I can bend my leg up past the front of my hip, where I can place it to rest (that one might be hard to visualize).
Michelle: Thanks. Now I’m crying twice as hard as before.
Nicky: You and I could never be lovers. We’d end up tied in knots.
Craig: Donna Summer in the phone book?
Michelle M.: I turned 40 on the 8th.
Joemoesexual: (best name ever!) I hope you know I wasn’t trying to give you warning advice. You made it clear it wasn’t what you expected or were looking for, but I am glad you didn’t wind up a gimp locked in someone’s basement.
Dr. Para: That story was AWESOME! From Omar to Eric to the hose down to obsessing about being dirty. Truth really is stranger than fiction.
Craig is *so*not into distance. How was Hollywood Craig?!? *I* can tell you it wasn’t good….
Craig & Dave S.: I’m with Michelle M., you both will find someone. Marble abs and sexy philtrum aside, you two are talented, funny and all around good guys. Like Michelle M., I also fell in love with a friend. We worked together and started to get to know each other while dealing with our respective bosses. As time passed we became friends and then began to flirt. Eventually her boyfriend (who worked with us at the time) got nervous about me and asked her to get engaged. She said “Are you out of your mind?!?” went to her room and packed everything he ever gave her, handed it to him and told him to get out. We started dating that week and have been together ever since.
Nicky: Try to calm down, lord knows you can’t dry your tears off with a towel.
John: Not at all. I’m actually glad you brought it up. I’d hate for my story to be taken as a pro unsafe sex thing.
john: good point
joe: good point as well. haha. So you’d rather be lovers than have a bend-off? I was hoping to get a blog entry out of it but you had no e-mail address so I couldn’t bug you by e-mail and force you to
: (
I am mysterious aren’t I.
John: Happy late Birthday.
Psh! Just e-mail me and help me make a blog entry!! You can be the first ever guest on Hotel Tuesday!
john & Michelle M.: Those are great stories.
I have a friend that I wouldn’t mind becoming more, but the timing’s wrong. 
And have I mentioned I’m terrified of women? Yeah. I instantly turn into a buffoon. It’s my superpower.
Nicky – you’re welcome.
john – what Tam said.
Where’s Dave S.? The comment count should be up to 200 by now.
Dave S.: And there you are. That was weird.
The timing is always wrong – that’s what the liquor is for…
John: How come you didn’t tell us when your birthday passed?! Unless you did and we didn’t see. But happy belated birthday!
Tam & Michelle M.: Thanks!
Dave S.: I’ve been where you are and my best friend is there as we speak. I’ll tell you what I tell him: relax. I find it hard to believe you are a buffoon (I know, I know, I haven’t witnessed it) you were married and have 2 kids after all. Give yourself some time and who knows, maybe the time you give yourself will be the time your friend needs….
I like poking people on Facebook, that’s always fun; didn’t know you could wink. And I think that Nicky would pwn at yoga or something, not that I know what actually happens in all that new age exercise stuff, but I hear flexibility is of importance.
Craig: I didn’t know it was required…
Damn. Your right, Michelle, I gotta catch up!
How’s this?
And this? (is it 200 yet…?)
john: How can we shower you with gifts if we don’t know when your birthday is?
Oh, sorry, it doesn’t work retroactively.
john: Oh, trust me, I’m a buffoon…
And sorry to everyone for missing out on today’s comments. I was busy having straight-on-gay sex with Polt.
My date from heck was not originated on-line , but from a speed dating event. It was my first time doing gay speed dating, which was totally exhausting. I came away with a few matches. One seemed quite interested in me. I thought he was handsome. He seemed a little high energy. He was younger than I was looking to meet. He was 20, at the time I was 29. Before our date he actually missed a train because he did not want our call to get disconnected. He insisted that I could call him any time and that he would always answer. These were red flags. I naively ignored them.
I let him talk me into an all day beach date at a popular NY beach with an amusement park. All day first dates are a hugely bad idea! I started the day wanting him to like me. Five minutes after we met I wanted him to like me much less than he did. He wanted me to commit to a second date and he asked me to go on some sort of cruise with him early in the date. Everything about him seemed emotionally unstable. At this point I just wanted to get through the date without committing to anything further, but not upsetting him too much.
He was very into astrology, to the extent that he was trying to tell me how I was supposed to be based on my birth sign. When I tried to explain that I believed in free will and did not personally subscribe to astrology he started arguing with me. In one first date he made me feel like I was stuck in a dysfunctional bad relationship.
After dinner he insisted that I go on a ride with him. I don’t do roller coasters, anything high, or violent rides. He suggested we go on what looked like a scrambler. I had been on those in my youth, and felt that I could handle that. Well…. that thing turned out to be a scrambler on super steroids. It was the most dizzy, violently terrifying ride I had ever been on. This was right after dinner!
I was trying as hard as I could not to blackout on the ride. I was literally in shock. He starts freaking out about how he is so sorry he made me go on that ride. I kept trying to tell him that I did not blame him, but that I needed to recover before I could discuss anything. When I got off I felt totally destroyed. That was the end of the date. I felt like I was dying, but I had to take the train back home.
On the train he explained that because I was feeling bad it made him feel bad. He tried to get me to rub his back. Meanwhile I was just trying not to pass out on the train. No alcohol was involved in this day, just the scrambler from hell, after dinner. Then he starts saying how he wants to take me home and tuck me in. I am just hoping I can get away from him before I collapse at this point.
Fortunately we parted at the train station. Absolutely no kissing took place, thankfully. The next day I didn’t call him soon enough in his opinion, so he left me a voice mail apologizing for the first date, chewing me out for not calling sooner, and then asking to go out again. I told him that I did not think we were compatible.
After that date I was SOOOOOO glad to be single! It was an educational experience for me. I try to be more aware of red flags and try to allow graceful escape options if a date goes badly enough. I will never do another all day first date. It was a really bad date, but I survived.
This turned out to be such a great topic, and a chance to tell one of my incessant rambling stories is always a plus. However, wtb an edit button, I’m a grammar Nazi perfectionist and when I see small errors with what I write, I wanna scream
.
John: “Truth really is stranger than fiction.”
I was saying that last weekend when the back to back stories I told to friends began with “And so this the naked pollack comes out wielding a hatchet,” and “So we had cops draw guns on us the last night and escort us out of Boystown, before we stepped out of the car.”
Chris: I love this line:
“On the train he explained that because I was feeling bad it made him feel bad. He tried to get me to rub his back.”
What a crazy person! He wants sympathy because he made you feel bad? I don’t get it!
Chris: Damn. *I* was getting sick just *hearing* about that date of yours. Sheesh…
Craig: I was thinking the same thing!!
I dated a clown. No, seriously, she was a professional clown. She never knew when to turn it off, it was horrible!
ARG! Someone emailed me on Match.com but they won’t show me who it is because I don’t have a paid subscription! Dang it!
Awesome! Tell them to send you more info. If they’re interested, they will!
Oh, wait, why would you listen to me? I’m getting divorced and haven’t had sex since January…
Calm down Dave S. Deep breath. I can’t even read the message or see who sent it because I don’t have a paid subscription. Now try commenting again…
::sigh:: Sorry. ::breathing in:: ::breathing out::
Craig/Dave: Yep, I believe that he had some serious emotional issues. Unfortunately I was not in any position to help him work through those issues.
I don’t want to scare you guys off the idea of dating. I think the situation I experienced is very rare. I should have seen the red flags sooner and taken things much slower with him. Now I know, and as GI Joe says, “Knowing is half the battle.”
GI Joeeeeeeeeeee. Sorry had to sing that song to myself, and re watch those awesome redubbed GI Joe clips; thanks for the reminder Chris.
digkv: I was thinking of those redubbed clips too — hilarious.
Chris: Yeah, one of the red flags I should’ve seen with my clown date was that she would bring these little toys and games to play when we would go out to a restaurant. Really. She would insist we play with stuff while we waited for our food. I’m a socially conservative guy — I don’t like attention brought to myself — (well, of course, then I go and do something like I did Friday night…) and I just couldn’t take it anymore. We actually dated a few times before I said enough’s enough.
Chris: Ooo, my internal DSM IV is having a field day with that story! Glad you made it out of that one.
Dave S.: You are *such* a liar. You just said you had straight-on-gay sex with Polt and now you are expecting us to believe you haven’t had sex since January..
Oh, and as for gifts, no worries, not you have a year to plan!
And Dave, on a side note, do you mind if I email you a “work” related question?
john: Ah, yes, but which one am I lying about…?
And, yeah, definitely feel free to email me about whatever.
Dave S.: So when do you spill the beans about your Friday night exploits? Did you do some sort of naked pumpkin run?
I guess she was literally a bad clown date ( http://puntabulous.com/2007/08/02/puntabulous-guide-to-dating/ ).
When I was a little kid I was afraid of clowns. I don’t know if I could date one. My friend made a music video where a clown gets hit by a car ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BWDHbVynaT4 ). The poor clown had to stand in front of the car for a bunch of takes as they drove towards him and slammed on the breaks.
Dave S.: I won’t hesitate a guess. If it’s January, I’m sorry and hope you had a good time. If it’s Polt; Polt, I’m sorry.
Oh and CYE & Thanks!
Chris: Afraid of clowns as a kid? Hell, I’m not crazy about them as an adult! Oh, and Josh has an interesting sound, I’ll have to check out more of his stuff.
Chris: Another hilarious story, not so much for you, but I laughed. I’m so evil to laugh at the trials of others.
Dave S: There better damn well be pictures of that straight-on-gay sex thing.
And a clown who brought games to restaurants? Ummm. Weird I worked for a children’s festival for a couple of years, clowns are a unique breed. And buffoon? Somehow I think you’re a bit hard on yourself.
Chris: I like your friend’s song.
Tam: “Somehow I think you’re a bit hard on yourself.”
And Polt too, apparently (ba-dum-dum).
Chris: That song is awesome. I gotta look up some more of his stuff…
john: Shame on you for making fun of my and Polt’s sweet sweet lovemaking.
(okay, does everyone know I’m kidding?)
John: Well, I was thinking since he hasn’t had sex since January he was just hard.
But I didn’t want to go there.
Ooops, I just did. LOL
Hey! (I think I’m being talked about behind my back…)
Okay, I’m off to bed. But I gotta make one more observation:
Do you realize we stayed on target (for the most part) for 150 comments?! That has to be a record…
Ah YES, I have returned!! It’s good to be home.
Now…allow me to catch up….
Nicky: my comment awaits you on your blog. And I took two years of Latin, a semester of German in college, and still can just barely speak English, so I couldn’t read your post….not that reading it is was I was there for anyways.
john: I too noticed the happy trail, but as our young Nicky was only curious about his abs, that’s what i commented on. No reason to give the boy anything else to ask about, eh?
And I couldn’t tell from the photo, how do you know his ass is hairy?
john (again): toe cleavage? Really? to each their own, I suppose.
joe: A foursome, lots of beer, hot tub, all in one bed, you threw up and left…that was YOU???
Dr. Para: I LOVE your story! It’s something I can totally relate too…from many sides: yours; Omars, Evil Matts…hell, even Gay Cop Eric…although I’ve never owned a gun. I’m sure it was much less fun to experience than it was to read.
David from Brazil: Just so you know, I did, in fact, in college, deep throat a cheerleader, and even a hand up her shirt. BUt it never went any further…it was fun and all, but not my thing.
Adric: “Slapped me with a dead squid for ten minutes” BWAHAHAHHAHAH!!! Damn near shot Pepsi out my nose laughing at that one!
Pardon me momentarily whilst I imagine trying to untie a Nicky/Joe human knot….would require a LOT of babyoil, one imagines…oh the fun….
I can personally assure EVERYONE that contrary to what he says, Dave S. is nowhere NEAR a buffoon! And I met his co-workers, and while they are a fun bunch of people, I’m not really sure there’s anyone there he’d make a good pair with….
Dave S.: We had straight-on-gay sex today????? damn, wish I remembered it…. “Socially conservative”???? Who the hell are you trying to kid???
Chris: Dave S. in a naked pumpkin run!!! now why didn’t I think of that??? I’m gonna try tomorrow to have a big post on my blog about the weekend. All will be revealed then….photos too. Unretouched, unphotoshopped, photos.
john: YOU’RE sorry? think how sorry I feel about it not happening!
Dave S;”my and Polt’s sweet sweet lovemaking.” …now I wish I hadn’t had those four drinks, musta passed out. The least you coulda done was TOLD me about it!
HUGS…