I’m still on the online dating scene. No, I haven’t gone on any dates yet, but there are a few possibilities. Don’t worry, as soon as I go on a date, you’ll be the first to know. But looking through profiles got me thinking of what kind of person I’m looking for, and what characteristics would lead to an automatic deal breaker. Here are some real (and hypothetical) ones I’ve come across online and previously in real life:
Read Actual Books. Oh dear lord, do not list magazines in the “favorite books” portion of your online profile. I’m not saying you have to be a book worm, but it would be nice if you’ve read at least one book in the past year. Or at least brought a book with you on your last vacation, even if you never got around to actually reading it.
Have Pictures. This one is strictly an online profile pet peeve. But seriously, have pictures. Having to ask for them is awkward and makes me feel more superficial than I really am. In order to avoid that unpleasantness, if you message me and you don’t have pictures, I will just ignore you, which somehow makes me not feel as superficial.
Smokers. We all have our vices, and yeah, that Big Mac isn’t doing me any favors, but smoking is just lame. And I don’t care how much gum you chew afterwards, I can still taste it on you. Gross.
Weird Collectibles. Okay, let’s say you go on a date. Everything goes wonderfully. Afterwards he invites you in for a drink. No hanky panky! You have your well prepared drink in hand while he shows you around his beautiful place. And then he shows you the display cabinet with his Precious Moments collectible statues collection, where you quickly count over a hundred creepily cutesy big-eyed kids reenacting every possible life experience before your very eyes. Oh, and he tells you there are more in boxes in the garage, but he ran out of room in the display cabinet. And then there’s more in the bedroom, which you only saw on the tour, and not because you broke your no hanky panky rule. And yes, you have a 20th Anniversary Optimus Prime figure, which you cherish, but it’s in your closet (out of the box!) and only occasionally played with. Baseball cards? Comic books? Sure, I can handle it. But some things are just not meant to be collected by normal people.
Be Well Groomed. Short, clean fingernails are well appreciated.
But Not Over-Groomed. Don’t have girl eyebrows. Thanks.
College Education. This one’s a bit dicey. There are a lot of reasons why people didn’t or can’t go to college. Not everyone has the support in their lives to make it an expected next step after high school. But I think it’s the aspirations that matter most. If they didn’t go because they had to get a job right out of high school due to financial or other issues, but they’ve always planned on going back at some point, that’s one thing. But if they went for a semester and dropped out because a professor was giving them too much homework, and they don’t plan on ever going back, then that’s another.
Doesn’t have a driver’s license. This is a random one, but can you date someone who doesn’t — and will never — drive? I guess it’s a different thing if you live in the city, but I’m a suburbs kinda guy. I tried the city for a year and detested it, with a large part having to do with relying on unreliable public transportation. Being able to drive myself around is essential to my life. And sure, picking someone up to go on a date certainly isn’t a disaster. But always having to be the driver? What about years from now when we’re married? I can’t always be the driver. Going on long car trips and not being able to tag out when you get tired? That just sounds rough, especially for me who hates driving for long periods of time. And what if we’re home alone and I have a heart attack and needed to get to the hospital? They can’t drive me there! I’d die! I know a few older couples where one of the partners doesn’t drive and they make it work. I just don’t know if I can.
Different Job Schedules. I leave the house at 5, work 7 to 5, and get home at 7 every Monday through Friday. I’m sorry you had that day off, but after a long day of work, I don’t want to hang out with you. I want to get into my pajamas and watch TV. And no, I don’t want to meet up at 11 on Saturday night after you get off from work either.
Lives with his Parents. Okay fine, so we’re not all perfect. I’m twenty-seven and I still live with my parents. It’s not that I can’t live on my own, it’s just that I choose not to right now. I’d rather save up for a house rather than rent at the moment, thank you very much. I always get one of two reactions when I tell people I still live at home. It’s either 1) Passive Aggressive Disgust “Does your mom still make your lunch? LOL!” 2) Envy “Oh you’re so lucky! I would totally still live with my parents if I could.” What about you? Is it a deal breaker if they still live at home?
There we have it. Writing out this list makes me feel like a conceited bastard, but I don’t think anything here is too outrageous to expect in a date. And keep in mind this list doesn’t take into account the x-factor, the butterflies in the stomach, or any of those other dreaded swoon-inducing qualities that make you go “dang!”
So what are your dating deal breakers?
I still live at home! But I do commute to school so I guess that’s a valid reason. You know, I actually don’t read as much as I’d like but that’s probably because all these text books make reading seem like a chore sometimes. I brought a copy of some Salman Rushdie book, the Enchantress of Florence or something and read a chapter or two before I forgot about it. However, I did manage to read a wonderfully funny non-fiction economics book called “Naked Economics” it was wildly entertaining and I guess I’ve decided that I like non-fiction now. Still love Great Gatsby and Youth in Revolt though= best books ever.
Good luck on your online dating Craig.
I have thrown myself back in the dating pool as well and I find it to be QUITE annoying. OMG the no picture profile especially. Why bother? I have so many deal breakers I feel like Elaine from Seinfield. He can’t wear white linen pants (unless we’re on a beach), he can’t have too much gel in his hair but he should be well groomed. Dressing down when I dress up. Currently, not speaking english is a very important one. Date creativity is important: It’s not an immediate deal breaker, but a movie on the first date is automatic points off. I want to TALK to you the first time we meet. Living with his parents is definitely a deal breaker, as is living alone but having no furniture.
Damn, I’m a tough cookie, I think. Best of luck to all these frenchies!!
He asks if I have a boyfriend. I say no.He looks at me wide eyed and says “why?”
Interesting question. Perhaps my list is unrealistic hence my perpetual single status. (Freaky long LOL)
1. No smoking, I was always the anti-smoking little nazi in my “everyone” smoked family growing up.
2. No drugs, don’t want the drama.
3. Has to have a job (I’m at the age where potential dates – unless I want to rob the cradle – likely shouldn’t have the “I’m in school” thing going on).
4. Ultra shallow – must make close to what I make or more (hey Sugar Daddy) or at least be on the way to that point. I’ve done the support a spouse thing financially and won’t go back there again. Need a more equal partner. So even if you are the hottest thing on two legs, if you work at the bowling alley spraying that stuff in the shoes on a part-time basis, you won’t get far.
5. Isn’t 40 and still living with parents and always has. If you moved back home to take care of elderly parents, its an awwwww factor, if its because you’ve NEVER lived on your own, its creepy.
6. Must be intelligent in the sense that while you might not have gone to university (preferred but not mandatory) at least you have a functioning brain that goes beyond hockey stats. Reading is good, and if nothing else there better not be any smartass remarks about how much I read. Get off my freaking case. (Oh sorry, pet peeve there.)
7. Travel. Must be interested, doesn’t have to have done alot, but at least be willing to come along with me (can’t be with someone long term and always be on solo vacations) or talk about it and be knowledgeable about the world out there. If someone said they never want to leave the city/province/country I’d have to say bye-bye.
So along with my job requirements to live elsewhere than Canada, I am totally doomed since my job is non-compatible with a partner having a job and to be honest, very few women in my position have relationships anymore. Its like the kiss of death so guess I am destined to be a solo flyer. Such is life.
So I can never be Puntabolous’ boyfriend, I don’t drive. I live smack-dab in the middle of a huge metropolitan area and can reach most cultural venues by foot, or subway. Between you and me, the truth is i’m scared to drive. It’s so dangerous!. Anyways. Probably the fact that i’m virtually married to someone who I live with for 10 years thousands of miles away would be a damper on our relationship.
I do agree with all your deal breakers though. And I also lived with my parents till i was 27, but now that i’m enjoying the bliss of living on my own (well, with my bf, but you knwo what I mean), I really have no clue what took me so long. I mean, what the heck was I doing? I had the money to get my own apartment darn it. Anyways. Better late than never.
1) someone who keeps yapping about his gorgeous ex boyfriend when he himself is not that good-looking.
2) someone who want to meet in another city when we both live in the same vicinity.
3) someone who tells me what he is “into” – too much information, too soon.
i am speaking from experience of course.
PBB: I once knew a guy that was the opposite. Just simply gorgeous , muscular body, pretty face, also very intelligent and driven (was studying for his masters at the time), and his bfs were simply plain ugly. No, i don’t keep in touch and can’t give you his number lol.
Certainly smoking is a deal-breaker, and I’ve TRIED to get past it. No dice.
You’re too young, or maybe you refuse to date older men, but generational gaps are a problem, too. If he doesn’t get my reference to Lost in Space (the TV show, not the movie) then this isn’t going to work.
Sense of humor. If he can’t make me laugh or vice versa, then it’s a no-go.
As long as the conversations are intelligent, his level of education isn’t a factor, but yes, he does have to have SOME job.
The driving thing has never come up, but if you had a heart attack, wouldn’t you want your partner to call an ambulance rather than drive you, all panicked, to the hospital? Plus, he can always learn.
Of course, all of the above criteria are predicated on the idea that this person is already at least moderately physically attractive to me.
If they’ve graduated high school, it’s a dating dealbreaker for me.
David from Brazil: you don’t suppose that he and the guy i dated use to be together, no?
dang! you should have kept in touch. hehehe
sigh*
I hate to say this Craiggers, but for once I almost completely disagree with you. Almost everything you’ve listed was a trait that I or my boyfriend had when we started dating. I read, smoke, bite my nails, never finished college, don’t have a driver’s license and used to live with my folks. He doesn’t read or smoke, collects weird things, has a driver’s license and used to live with his parents. Also, when we first started dating, we worked dramatically different schedules. I was a 9-5er and he worked 6pm-2am. It couldn’t have gone on forever, but we each thought the other was worth the effort. Now we’re engaged to be married.
Look for compatibility Craig. Work out the fixable kinks later. I can eventually stop smoking and get a driver’s license. He could take up reading or learn to collect less “stuffâ€.
If he or I had developed a list of deal breakers anything like yours, we wouldn’t be together today and I would have missed out on the love of my life.
ScottieC: Just when I was about to watch Angels in America, you go and disagree with me. Blasphemy! I guess now I’ll be sending them back to Netflix unwatched.
But that’s why I added the caveat at the end to account for that love business. You never know when it’s gonna bite you in the ass, so these deal breakers might not be deal breakers after all. Which means there’s hope for you David from Brazil!
Oh, and Evolving is right, movie first dates are horrendous.
I was always a sucker for old school charm. I come off as a total sex pot but there’s something to be said for someone asking to kiss you. Or not expecting to get laid at the end of the date. It makes you feel special.
I love having deep conversations. I try to avoid subjects like politics and religion, but a BIG deal breaker for me is a closed mind. Hear what I have to say and by all means disagree….but don’t be a dick about it.
I always fall for underdogs. I cannot stand when someone thinks that they’re all that. (even if they are) that’s an instant turn off. I remember one time, dancing in a club and I spotted this really hot guy across the room. (Instant crush) He comes up and ASKS to dance with me. (bonus points) while we’re dancing he asks me if I drove that night….(uh oh). “Why?”, I ask. to which he replies, “I was going home with you if you did.”
I said, “trust me you weren’t” and walked away.
I mean seriously? Ew.
I like someone who keeps up with the times when it comes to their look. I’m not a fashion whore. I will definitely give someone a chance if their not that into trendy clothes….(I shop at salvation army and target just as much as I do at the big names). HOWEVER, I will say that tapered-leg, stonewash jeans with big white tennis shoes is a major boner shrinker. I would apologize to anyone out there who wears these….but seriously….I’ll take you jean shopping. I recommend the loose fit bootcut jeans from The Gap. They are bootcut without being too tight on your legs. They’re sort of like the training wheels leading up to the tighter more European looking jeans, but I digress.
I’m not a gift person. I like actions. So cook me dinner. Take me to your favorite romantic spot and tell me why you like it, don’t buy me a watch and think that it warms my heart.
I could prattle on all day about love stuff. sigh.
I’ve done a lot of online dating with no success. I’m sure you’ll have better luck though. It worked for Mom and Nicolle (my sister).
I couldn’t go out with anyone who smokes either. Other problems I had were – guys who spent most of the date complaining about their ex; guys who were very condescending (can’t stand that).
I went out with one guy six times, who never had an opinion on ANYthing-not what where we went, what we ate, he didn’t even have a favorite movie or tv show. I’d end up talking with myself. So having a personality is definitely a must have.
Loving or at least enjoying movies is also necessary othewise we wouldn’t be spending much time together. An absolute must is someone who loves animals in particular dogs since mine isn’t going anywhere.
Craig: I think I was just offended because I see many of the things you consider “deal breakers” in myself (and the bf). I still think we’re very nice, attractive, caring people. Now go watch Angels in America!
Not so much a deal breaker but a red flag: too many shirtless photos in the profile. OK, nice eye candy but that tells me they are way too into physical appearance (which, in my experience, also suggests they only want one thing…).
As soon as I see lots of shirtless photos, I imagine them saying, “This is what I’m bringing to the table. You’d better be able to do the same.”
Well, I can’t bring that to the table. What I’ve got would be relegated to the kiddie table at Thanksgiving dinner.
I’m actually quite glad I don’t online date anymore. If, God forbid, anything should happen between me and my beau and I’m single again, I won’t be returning online. Bad experiences with insincere, cowardly people.
Love your monkey Scottie.
When is your big day?
On a side note, I am the only person at work who can’t access the internet. Wahhh! Typing om my phone is so slow.
I have to agree with shirtless photos in the profile. It’s just so unnecessary.
A lot of your deal breakers one or both of me and my boyfriend have though. I’ve found that finding friends that don’t have these dealbreakers helps. My boyfriend doesnt read, but I have a few friends who are into the same books as I am, that works out okay for me.
I agree with no smoking. It’s such a bad life decision. My boyfriend was a smoker when we first met. In fact, on our first date in real life a crack head stole his lighter in the Village on West 4th. Funny story. Anyway, I told him I couldn’t keep kissing him if he was going to keep smoking, he quit the next day.
No drugs. Thats a definite with me. I’m not into the drug scene, and I really don’t want to be. Yes, I consider weed to be a drug. Again, something my boyfriend did when we met, but stopped after I voiced my concerns.
I agree completely with keeping short fingernails, not having girl eyebrows, and not collecting tons of wierd shit. Though I must say, that last one is a real sign of an obsessive personality. Another thing I don’t want to be a part of.
Last deal breaker for me, is someone who calls me everyday with nothing to talk about. They just call because they think they should, or their last boyfriend liked to be called a lot, or something. I don’t know what it is. If you don’t have new information for me during a phone conversation, please don’t bother.
Deal Breaker: Doesn’t Drink Alcohol–Not that I am against people that don’t drink but I am going to put it out there from the beginning that I like to drink. I like a beer or a glass wine or a cocktail at the end of the day and on special nights, say the world series or a party, I like to have quite a few drinks. If you are going to ask me how many beers I have had at the end of a party, because you don’t agree, then one of us will be packing the bags the next day. So, we might as well skip all the drama right from the beginning. If that is ok with you partner, the next round will be on me but I won’t buy you a soda…
I’ve only ever been on 1 date so far in my life, so not much would be a deal-breaker at this point (maybe if he was a furry), but there are things that would turn me off.
1. Cheapness. I’m the type that would attempt to pay for everything, but it would be nice to be beaten to the punch once in a while.
2. Lack of sense of humor. I have no trouble making light of the most horrific topics, so a sense of humor is an absolute must.
3. Obsessive Detailer. If I ask ‘How was your day’ or ‘How was work’?, a one or two word answer suffices. If something really interesting happened, I’d like to hear that. I don’t need an hour by hour recounting of every conversation, phone call, caloric intake, wait for a taxi, cloud formations……
4. Lack of pop-culture knowledge. I could learn to live with the other 3, but if he has no idea what I mean when I talk about the ‘Truffle Shuffle’, it’s over. I need someone who’d actually enjoy staying in for a night and watching episodes of Maude.
Some of the deal breakers you listed are easily fixable and others not so. I think the ones that are fixable, that don’t reflect a deeper character “flaw,” are less of a deal breaker than the others. But of course, if not cutting their nails means they lack personal hygiene, then I’m sure that’s a pretty big deal breaker.
And on living at home – it is really common now to live at home until either you buy your own home or until you move out to live with a significant other or friends or something. Just for money reasons. Rent is expensive in the city. I moved out this past year to be closer to school but I have no plans of moving from my parents’ house for good until it is financially sound.
“And I don’t care how much gum you chew afterwards, I can still taste it on you”
Ah, didn’t you smell it on their stinky fingers when they caressed your cheek before kissing?
As an ex-smoker, I can testify that smokers have stinky fingers.
But my favorite M4M ads say they are looking for someone who is “non-judgemental”;…….Are you looking for a gay man or what?
@FDot
Having a sense of humor is a must. That’s a real deal breaker with me. I come from a family of ball busters. You just won’t last long around any of us if you can’t laugh at yourself.
Lack of pop culture knowledge however is different. It was something I got to share with my boyfriend and see his reaction for the first time at watching various things. He had never even heard of the Breakfast Club. Insanity, I know.
I was talking to my mom the other day and happened to mention that it was cold out the other night so I stashed a hot water bottle by my feet when I went to bed — you know, to keep the toes toasty — and she looked at me like I was an 80-year old woman — as if to say, “This is why you will never have a husband, son.” Oh well.
I was chatting with an intelligent, nice, funny guy online. He was my match…. Then he used the N-word to tell me why he didn’t support Obama in the primaries. OMG, who today uses that word? That was a deal breaker.
Rich: You’re Mom prob looked at you like that cause the old fashioned hot water bottles had an attachment with a hose that turned them into a red/orange douchbag.
Yes I’m old.
And my Grandmother, when she was young would use old wash cloths as panty liners, then put them in a bucket of bleach water and wash and reuse them. (As panty liners)
How do I know this? She told my sister when she didn’t think i was listening.
Sorry Craig, leave it to me to get off topic. I’ll shut up.
Yay, I have the internet. Damn viruses.
Jim: Ouch, that’s pretty brutal. I figure things like not being a racist biggot are kind of a given.
I suppose for me its also being able to deal with my sarcasm. Sorry but I’m not going to reign it in for ya. Oh and no babies. If you have one already great, I can deal, but I made sure that wasn’t going to happen again. BTDT, got the kid to show for it. I’m quite enjoying no more diaper duty.
@Rich
That’s not nice of her. There’s someone for everyone out there if the two of you don’t have long lists of deal breakers lol.
My biggest dating pet peeve is racism or bigotry, even shrouded in “humor” and a disclaimer about how “not a racist” you really are. I also immediately ignore any message from someone whose profile says anything along the lines of “I want a guy who acts like a guy, if I wanted to date a girl, I’d date a girl” because I always associate that statement with internalized homophobia and self-hate.
My biggest dating deal breakers:
When the first thing out of his mouth is: “How big are ya?”
I had one guy ask me, while I was enjoying our dinner and sipping my Manhatten, “Do you like golden showers?” I nearly choked on my cherry! (the cherry in my cocktail).
“Golden showers”? Who wouldn’t Love being showered in gold?
I almost added “weird fetishes” to the list, but figured that would just open up a whole different can of worms, so I left it off.
Craig: You’re afraid to get us started on urbandictionary aren’t you. LOL
Correctamundo!
Mark: HAHAHA awesome!
Be careful how many “deal breakers” you put on love. You can choose to be happy or you can choose to create criteria of someone who just doesn’t exist.
roboto has a good point. I wouldn’t throw the word deal breaker around loosely. I really had one DEAL BREAKER. One thing that I would not give into and that was drugs. If the person was perfect in everyway and did drugs I was out. Other than that they’re more or less turn ons and turn offs.
I DEMAND PERFECTION!!!!!
But not really. Perhaps “deal breaker” is too harsh a word. But I’m not a fan of the “turn on/off” phrases either. Do nicely clipped fingernails turn me on? That just sounds creepy.
Creepy depends on what you do with the clippings!
Some people are really into hands that are neatly manicured because of what can be done with them…..
…..and I’m leaving that alone.
@Tam Thanks.. I love my monkey too? And our big date isn’t set in stone yet. It’s probably going to wait until I get braces on and off. So 2 summers from now?
Deal breaker does sound harsh, but trust me, love is not enough sometimes if other crap is in the way. And yes, I have a thing for good hands, so sue me.
Bill: eeeeeeeewwwwwww!
Jomoe: Handle the remote control properly?
ScottieC: I’ll be sure to clear my schedule
Craig: Remote control, stick shift, joystick…….
AWWWWWW Craig! I think your preferences are just that … preferences! You’ll meet the right guy and those will go out the window. That’s what happened with my first partner (who passed away in an accident). BTW not only do I drive but I also have a Commercial Pilot’s License!
Scottie: Lots of time to plan then. Okay, do I have to search urbandictionary for “monkey” now? I’m afraid.
Tam: I’ll save you the time. Monkey means penis. Yes, we have lots of time to plan. It was originally going to be a shorter engagement but I want nice teeth for the wedding photos. Can you blame a boy for being a bit vain on the most important day of his life?
Damn, that’s boring Scottie. I knew that one but thought maybe there was something REALLY dirty out there. Sigh. I’m sick, truly.
You don’t want to ask my daughter’s opinion on braces. I was told the first day that I had better be prepared for her to hate me for two years. Yeah, yeah, whatever. LOL She’s counting down the days until she gets them off hopefully in February. (I’m counting down the days until the payments stop.) I’m sure she’ll thank me when her big day comes somewhere down the line. It is an important day and looking your best and feeling your best that day counts.
Did you know that you can search your name on urbandictionary? How do I know this? My 13 year old told me. After I started breathing again (“everyone knows about it mom” said with a suitable eyeroll) it seems my name can mean: A beautiful and seductive woman, who is also a complete psychopath.
Well they got it half right. Bwaahahahahaha (That’s an evil laugh by the way.)