No one loves Christmas Carols more than I do. We have a tradition in our house that we can’t listen to Christmas music until the night before Thanksgiving when we’re baking pies. But this year when I heard that Kristin Chenoweth released a Christmas album (which is awesome), I totally cheated and started listening to it well before Thanksgiving. But just because I adore Christmas music doesn’t mean I can’t see its flaws. Some of the songs are just downright ridiculous. I’ve compiled a list of some of the worst Christmas lyrics I could think of, and invite you to add your own:
Song: It’s The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year
Offending Lyric: “And caroling out in the snow, there’ll be scary ghost stories, and tales of the glories, of Christmases long, long ago!”
Why it’s Stupid: Who the heck tells scary ghost stories on Christmas? “And when they got out of the car, they saw that the bumping on the roof was really the antler of a dead reindeer hanging on the tree overhead! Ooooooooo!”
Song: Blue Christmas
Offending Lyric: “And when those blue snowflakes start falling, that’s when those blue memories start calling.”
Why it’s Stupid: Um, snowflakes aren’t blue, they’re white. They don’t even remotely reflect the blue color of the sky the way water does, so who do you think you’re kidding? You’re obviously just making that up to fit your song. Well I’m not falling for it!
Song: I’ll Be Home for Christmas
Offending Lyric: “I’ll be home for Christmas, you can count on me, please have snow, and mistletoe, and presents ‘neath the tree. I’ll be home for Christmas, but only in my dreams.”
Why it’s Stupid: Wait a second. So, you’re not actually going to be home? But you said to have snow, mistletoe, and presents waiting around the tree! And you’re not even going to show up? Who’s gonna help me shovel the snow out of the driveway, that I only requested on your behalf? And now I have to wait on those ridiculous lines to return your presents? Jackass.
Song: The Twelve Days of Christmas
Offending Lyric: All of them.
Why it’s Stupid: It’s just a terrible, terrible song, with no redeeming values whatsoever. Who wants all those lame gifts anyway?
Song: Do You Hear What I Hear?
Offending Lyric: “A star, a star, dancing in the night, with a tail as big as a kite.”
Why it’s Stupid: I suppose I can forgive the idea of a star dancing and having a tail. I guess we are to presume that it’s a shooting star, which would be kinda hard to follow if you were one of the Three Kings, but whatever. I just can’t forgive the awkward use of the word “kite” which is obviously only there to have a word that rhymes with “night”. A tail as big as a kite? Aren’t tails long? And aren’t there better examples of things with tails?
Song: Run Rudolph Run
Offending Lyric: “Out of all the reindeer you know you’re the mastermind. Run, run Rudolph, Randalph’s not too far behind.”
Why it’s Stupid: Reindeer don’t run. They fly. Get it straight. And who the fuck is Randalph?
Song: A Marshmallow World
Offending Lyric: “Those are marshmallow clouds being friendly, in the arms of the evergreen trees, and the sun is red like a pumpkin head, it’s shining so your nose won’t freeze.”
Why it’s Stupid: Another blatant attempt to change facts in order to get their lyrics to rhyme. This one is even a double-whammy! We are not from Krypton. The sun is not red, and neither are pumpkins, you stupid moron.
Are there any you’d like to add to the list?
Wow Craig! I just downloaded the Sarag McLachlin version. That’s a song so many people can ralate to on so many levels.
My Christmas playlist is from the 50′s.
I prefer the old old stuff, not the reworked disco version by various current popular artists. If its sung by someone who isn’t dead or in a seniors’ home, I’m likely not going to love it.
I know it’s re not ra. I feel stupid when I mistype.
Tam: I love the old versions of “Baby it’s cold outside”
I love “Santa Baby.” But I also love “Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer.”
The one song I despise is “Dominick the Donkey.”
Craig, I don’t mean the video. I mean the other *standing* offer that Polt has for you.
Crap, now I have a “Baby Its Cold Outside” earworm. I went down for coffee and found myself humming it as I’m getting my tea. Arrrgghh. Not that its a bad song, but having it repeat endlessly in your head is REALLY annoying.
One of my all-time favorite Christmas songs isn’t a Christmas song at all: “Sleigh Ride.”
Worstest song ever ever ever: “All I Want For Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth.” Argh@
Tam: When you think about it the lyrics to “Baby It’s cold Outside” could be thought of as the first Date Rape song. But the tune is soo damn catchy, you can’t help but hum it.
Not that there is a long tradition of Those kind of songs. Ahhh, maybe I should just shut-up.
Mark: I played the video on the link Craig posted for that date rape video for a colleague. It opened her eyes to a whole new world.
I’m so evil. Now she’ll never listen to it without thinking about that again. I’ve likely given her an earworm too, so I’m doubly evil.
Mark: I was thinking “first” date rape song? There are more? With a Christmas theme?
Rum-pa-pa-pum
As a retail clerk this year, I have to say that the most pervy song of the season is actually “Baby, It’s Cold Out There.” From the women’s part of the song: “The neighbors might think / Say, what’s in this drink / I wish I knew how / To break this spell / I ought to say no, no, no, sir / At least I’m gonna say that I tried / I really can’t stay / Ahh, but it’s cold outside I simply must go – Baby, it’s cold outside / The answer is no / This welcome has been / So nice and warm / My sister will be suspicious / My brother will be there at the door / My maiden aunt’s mind is vicious / Well maybe just a half a drink more” And, of course, them guy’s part includes line after line urging the girl to stay with comments like “gosh your lips look delicious” and “How can you do this thing to me” and “What’s the sense in hurting my pride.”
Yay! Nothing says peace on Earth and joy for all like date rape!
Before you just the 12 days of Christmas too harshly, have you seen the 12 Gays of Christmas video?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BSedhEoutP0
It’s rated Solid Gold!
Tam: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rLmJtrVvb_U
“You will succumb to me.”
Tam: Sorry, I went through my entire collection of date rape songs and couldn’t find another one with a Christmas theme
“Baby when the lights go out, I’ll show you what it’s all about” If I could only count the times Uncle Bob said that to me.
Jere: That video was the BEST EVER!!!
Ryan: A boy band in a bowling alley. Woohoo.
Jere: That was a brilliant video.
Aren’t they reindeer “paws” up on the roof-top?
Craig: “on the Ally McBeal Christmas CD (yes, I own that, shut up).” You had me at hello.
I am SO glad you have brought up this subject because I am annoyed every year by these lyrics:
He knows when you are sleeping
He knows when you’re awake
He knows if you’ve been bad or good, so be good for goodness sake!
THIS IS GOODNESS FOR SANTA’S SAKE. Not goodness’ sake.
Thanks for letting me get that off my chest.
Amy: Excellent point!
I forgot to add how much I like “All I Want For Christmas Is You”.
I was in New York today and saw the Christmas thingy at Radio City Music Hall and I think you’ll be glad to know that the Rockettes also thing the “12 Days of Christmas” lyrics are dumb. Instead of singing them, they usually just sang the numbers and then did a little dance for the object.
They said the whole thing once, but usually it was just numbers…
(and yeah, who wants those gifts?! leaping lords?!)
OH! And the best Christmas song is “My Only Wish” by Britney Spears!
Will: No, it’s “up on the housetop reindeer pause.” They pause to let Santa out of the sleigh. Plus I think reindeer have hooves, not paws.
Jere: I’ll need to wait till I get home to watch the video.
john: It’s such a great CD, isn’t it?
Amy: LOL! Very good point!
Enrico: I bet Polt would LOVE some leaping lords
Enrico: But it’s so much better with guys. Nothing against the Rockettes; I’m just sayin….
Drat this busy job of mine that keeps me from doing the really important things like post comments
Great post Craig, I am always befuddled by songs that take liberties with the English language, and you have come up with some stunning examples.
My favorite Christmas songs are done by Bob Rivers; “The Restroom Door Said Gentlemen” is a classic example.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IYeufeUYcTY
I bet I’m not the ONLY one around here that would LOVE some leaping lords!
HUGS…
Craig: I’m going to bed now but don’t forget to check out Polt’s 12 Days..It’s awesome.
And why is it I always get caught up in the conversation and forget to tell you how Great your post was? Your analysis of Christmas songs was hilarious!! I’ll try to be a better commenter from now on. Nite Nite.
jere: thank you SO MUCH for the 12 Gays Of Christmas!!! LOVED it (natch!). What fun! i was rather partial to the tall cutie in the black wifebeater, and luckily, he was easy to see throughout most of it! Sweet!
HUGS…
“…and who the fuck is Randolph?” was anyone else shocked and amazed that our dear, sweet, innocent Craiggers dropped the F-bomb? I was totally stunned, well, after I stopped rolling on the floor laughing I was quite stunned by his behavior. Would it not have been more proper to say “whom the fuck is Randolph?”
“Baby it’s cold outside” always gave me the creeps. Nothing says christmas like a little date rape.
I always loved “the secret of christmas” (the ella fitzgerald version)
and “what are you doing new years.”
Craig: Maybe so. The last time a small heard of reindeer came flying at me, there was no time to check what was on the ends of their legs before running to cover. By the way, carols in Spain have some impressive lyrics too: we’ve got fish in the river that can’t stop drinking for happines, mice that eat St. Joseph’s underwear, and poor Mary’s chocolate that seems to be eternally drunk before she can taste it.
Randolph = Tracker of fugitive reindeer that likes to speak in the 3rd person? **ping**…aborted comic strip idea…
Amy, I thought that you were going to use that verse as an illustration of another creepy stalking Christmas song. Sort of a prequel to “Baby it’s Cold Outside”.
I just got back from caroling with the boys. The printed sheet they had had the marshmallow lyrics on it and I got worried that I was going to have to sing about red suns, but we skipped that one. [I think I've seen a red sun, though I might be thinking of the moon. There was an amazing red moon a year or two ago, right after it got dark, but replacing "sun" with "moon" in the lyrics doesn't make any more sense.]
jere: That was better than the Rockettes!
Polt: Yes the one in the black wifebeater was very hot. So was the one closest to the camera.
I saw the Rockettes after Thanksgiving, I was in New York, and I enjoyed the secular parts of it. It was also the biggest cheese-fest I have seen in awhile.
Someone needs to make a gay version of the 12 days of Christmas. It just needs to be written.
Also I found the sexiest version of Santa Baby on iTunes: It is by Perfect Project and its on the album The Mistletoe Lounge. It will stir the loins of anyone.
I’m big on remixed versions of songs. I think you mostly hear them in the trendy clothes stores, but they are really cool and refreshing after hearing the classics nonstop on the radio.
First “Christmas Shoes” and now “A Marshmallow World”? How can I have never heard of these?
john: I was going to say that (you can guess what).
Dave: “Good for you. Go back to bed.” So funny – and now that will go through my head whenever I hear “I Saw Three Ships”.
Miss you guys…
I’ve now listened to all my Christmas music, barring the songs that I decided were crap.
Ryan: Which would be?
Steven: Looking at iTunes, the majority of ‘Nsync’s Christmas album.
Wow people still listen to ‘Nsync? That would be around 5th/6th grade. God I feel young.
Red suns aren’t bad…as long as you’re talking about the one Superman’s home planet Krypton orbited. In that context, great idea, in a Christmas song, eh, not so much.
HUGS…
Does this count as a gayish version of “The 12 Days”? At least the fifth day’s something to look forward to.
http://il.youtube.com/watch?v=0VraaEaOzYQ
My second job involves cleaning an office at night, by myself, so there is no background noise to cover the music. So for the last two months (about), I have been listening to Christmas music nonstop for three hours a night, five nights a week. Company policy: no headphones, so no chance of shutting it out. Every night has a Most Hated Lyric (mhl), the one that stays with you until well after midnight and has you muttering angrily to yourself. Here is last night’s MHL, from Do You Hear What I Hear: “a child, a child, shivers in the cold, let us bring him silver and gold.” Whatthehell. Thanks so much. How about a goddam blanket instead. Unless Mary can take that silver and gold and send Joe out to WalMart for a space heater, it’s pretty damn useless, now isn’t it? Or order room service from the inn? And on a related subject, what did they do with that gold, frankincense and myrrh, anyway? Set up a college fund? And I also object to the “mariahfication” of Christmas songs, which gives a whole new meaning to the words “Christmas goose”. Thank you so very much, Mariah, Celine and Christina, you make my evenings a living hell. And very few Christmas carols should include a horn section, if you ask me. Gods, I can’t wait until about January 10th. Can you tell I have to be at my second job in less than an hour?
It should be noted that “I’ll Be Home for Christmas” was written during WWII (that’s the war against Hitler for you young people, like in the new Tom Cruise movie) and is about a soldier dreaming about coming home.
Charles nailed it. Context makes “I’ll be Home For Christmas” make sense.