No one loves Christmas Carols more than I do. We have a tradition in our house that we can’t listen to Christmas music until the night before Thanksgiving when we’re baking pies. But this year when I heard that Kristin Chenoweth released a Christmas album (which is awesome), I totally cheated and started listening to it well before Thanksgiving. But just because I adore Christmas music doesn’t mean I can’t see its flaws. Some of the songs are just downright ridiculous. I’ve compiled a list of some of the worst Christmas lyrics I could think of, and invite you to add your own:
Song: It’s The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year
Offending Lyric: “And caroling out in the snow, there’ll be scary ghost stories, and tales of the glories, of Christmases long, long ago!”
Why it’s Stupid: Who the heck tells scary ghost stories on Christmas? “And when they got out of the car, they saw that the bumping on the roof was really the antler of a dead reindeer hanging on the tree overhead! Ooooooooo!”
Song: Blue Christmas
Offending Lyric: “And when those blue snowflakes start falling, that’s when those blue memories start calling.”
Why it’s Stupid: Um, snowflakes aren’t blue, they’re white. They don’t even remotely reflect the blue color of the sky the way water does, so who do you think you’re kidding? You’re obviously just making that up to fit your song. Well I’m not falling for it!
Song: I’ll Be Home for Christmas
Offending Lyric: “I’ll be home for Christmas, you can count on me, please have snow, and mistletoe, and presents ‘neath the tree. I’ll be home for Christmas, but only in my dreams.”
Why it’s Stupid: Wait a second. So, you’re not actually going to be home? But you said to have snow, mistletoe, and presents waiting around the tree! And you’re not even going to show up? Who’s gonna help me shovel the snow out of the driveway, that I only requested on your behalf? And now I have to wait on those ridiculous lines to return your presents? Jackass.
Song: The Twelve Days of Christmas
Offending Lyric: All of them.
Why it’s Stupid: It’s just a terrible, terrible song, with no redeeming values whatsoever. Who wants all those lame gifts anyway?
Song: Do You Hear What I Hear?
Offending Lyric: “A star, a star, dancing in the night, with a tail as big as a kite.”
Why it’s Stupid: I suppose I can forgive the idea of a star dancing and having a tail. I guess we are to presume that it’s a shooting star, which would be kinda hard to follow if you were one of the Three Kings, but whatever. I just can’t forgive the awkward use of the word “kite” which is obviously only there to have a word that rhymes with “night”. A tail as big as a kite? Aren’t tails long? And aren’t there better examples of things with tails?
Song: Run Rudolph Run
Offending Lyric: “Out of all the reindeer you know you’re the mastermind. Run, run Rudolph, Randalph’s not too far behind.”
Why it’s Stupid: Reindeer don’t run. They fly. Get it straight. And who the fuck is Randalph?
Song: A Marshmallow World
Offending Lyric: “Those are marshmallow clouds being friendly, in the arms of the evergreen trees, and the sun is red like a pumpkin head, it’s shining so your nose won’t freeze.”
Why it’s Stupid: Another blatant attempt to change facts in order to get their lyrics to rhyme. This one is even a double-whammy! We are not from Krypton. The sun is not red, and neither are pumpkins, you stupid moron.
Are there any you’d like to add to the list?
Oh, Craig…you were in line to be the dork of my dreams until you admitted to loving Christmas music. Christmas music = waterboarding.
Can I get a “Hell yeah!” from anyone else who spent a significant portion of their life in retail during the holiday season?
I like the christmas season and the spirit that comes with it but I have to draw the line with Xmas music, I really hate it, all of it except the piano tunes that charlie brown and snoopy have in their shows…
Love Christmas music! And this is a hilarious post, Craig! The song that I always thought was oddly inappropriate as a kid: “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus.” I mean, as an adult it’s cute and all, but as a little boy who still believed in Santa, all I could think of was, “Hey, that’s not right!”
Okay, here are lyrics that always bothered me:
Up on the housetop
reindeer pause,
Out jumps good old Santa Claus.
Down thru’ the chimney
with lots of toys,
All for the little ones,
Christmas joys.
Ho, ho, ho!
Who wouldn’t go!
Ho, ho, ho!
Who wouldn’t go!
Who wouldn’t go?!? Go where?! That makes no sense! And they say it as though the answers obvious, because after all, who wouldn’t go to that place and do that thing…??
you know, it took me a long time to figure out “scary ghost stories,” too – but then i realized – it’s from Dickens’ “A Christmas Carol” – where he gets visited by all the ghosts of Christmas past, present, and future. Took me 27 years to figure that one out. But, still kinda lame, and weird.
A: Oh you know I’m still the dork of your dreams.
Hayden: Love the Peanuts Christmas piano music.
Dave S: So funny! Who are they even asking that question? Santa? He’s already gone! The kids? But he’s coming to them! It just doesn’t make sense. Good addition!
Cortney: Oh yeah! That does make sense. Good catch!
Nice one man….too funny!
OMG – I love Kristin Chenoweth and was so glad when she released the Christmas album. She also does a phenominal job on an older album with “The Song Remembers When” a song originally by Trisha Yearwood.
Oh and the ghost stories is Charles Dickens. I just had this debate the other day with the husband when he was complaining about “scary ghost stories” not making sense.
Thought of another one. This one from “Deck the Halls”:
Troll the ancient Yule-tide carol
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la.
Huh? Troll? As in fuzzy-headed plastic toy? As in fishing in a slow-moving boat? And why would you want to do that with an ancient Yule-tide carol? Or is it really Carol? As iin Brady? Cuz I could *so* see myself trolling Carol Brady…
What about “Joy to the World”?
Who ever heard of a bullfrog named Jeremiah and why would a bullfrog have any wine at all much less mighty fine wine?!!!!
Worst Christmas Song Lyrics EVER: “Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer” in it’s entirety.
The Peanuts Christmas song is actually called Lucy and Linus, just FYI.
And just so you know, Craiggers, I did a “Polt’s 12 Days Of Christmas” video and posted it on my blog. You might be more interested in the gifts mentioned there.
HUGS…
Dave S: Another fine example.
Adam: I’ve never understood that bullfrog lyrics either. I suspect it was the writer of the song, and not the bullfrog who was drinking a bit too much wine at the time.
Polt: I’ll check out the video when I get home.
How is waiting until Thanksgiving to listen to Xmas music showing restraint? Do people actually want to start hearing that stuff any earlier than possible?
Courtney beat me to the explanation about ghosts.
Blue Christmas: Blue is a feeling, not a color. So snowflakes can totally be blue.
I’ll Be Home For Christmas: He’s asking you to be sure to have all kinds of lovely things for Christmas so he can picture them in his mind’s eye and know they are happening even though he can’t share them with you. You have obviously never been in a long-distance relationship. Thanks for ruining one of the few songs I actually like.
12 Days of Christmas: Are you kidding? It’s so bad it’s good! Sing it with a half dozen drunk gay show-tune queens at a bar and it becomes nearly transcendent.
Do You Hear What I Hear: OK, that one doesn’t make sense, but when you sing the refrain in a “round” format and add the building piano accompaniment, it actually is a cool song.
Run, Rudolph, Run: I’ve actually never heard of this one. Sounds awful.
Marshmallow World: WTF?
I don’t ever listen to Christmas music for fun, but I do enjoy – on occasion – attending caroling parties and tend to prefer the more religious tunes, like “O Holy Night” and “The First Noel,” but only because they have really great opportunities for us Tenors to show-off.
Oh, and “I Saw Three Ships” makes no sense to me at all. You saw three ships on Christmas Day? In the morning? Good for you. Go back to bed.
Well, Top Chef just did a whole theme of the 12 days of Christmas last night. Like anyone (except maybe Michelle and digkv) cares. Ummm, I like Christmas music okay but before Dec. 1? No way. I was bitching to the grocery store clerk about it in late November.
“Grandma Got Run” over is horrible and so is a song called “I Yust Go Nuts at Christmas” sung by some guy with a Swedish accent. Brutal. You can YouTube it. Can’t think of any specific lyrics that make me crazy but the ones you pointed out are definitely worthy.
David: I remember a cartoon in my youth (in the olden days) about the “I saw Three Ships” song. Mary and Jesus were on a ship. Ummm. How did that work?
Okay, looking at the lyrics for “Marshmallow World”, they are all pretty much a write-off. “it’s a whipped cream day” Huh? “The world is your snowball, see how it grows” I don’t get it. My world is growing or my snowball and I hope my world is slightly larger than a snowball. “It’s a sugary date, so what if spring is late”. I’ll tell you what happens if spring is late, I’ll be institutionalized. Sugary date? Maybe I need one of those. Does the guy bring lots of candy with him? I’m in. Now I hate that song. Thanks for that Craig.
David: LOL @ “Good for you. Go back to bed.”
Hm, what does it mean if my favorite Christmas song as a child was ‘Jingle Bells’? In English, long before I started to learn English! Hm, maybe I never cared for Christmas carol lyrics. At all. Ever.
There’s always John Denver’s immortal classic “Please Daddy (Don’t get Drunk this Christmas” featuring these lyrics:
Just last year when I was only seven
And now I’m almost eight as you can see
You came home at a quarter past eleven
Fell down underneath our Christmas tree
Please Daddy, don’t get drunk this Christmas
I don’t wanna see my Mumma cry
Please Daddy, don’t get drunk this Christmas
I don’t wanna see my Mumma cry
Mumma smiled and looked outside the window
She told me son, you better go upstairs
Then you laughed and hollered Merry Christmas
I turned around and saw my Mumma’s tears
OOO….I remembered another good one right after John Denver’s. That Band Aid song from the 80′s “Do They Know It’s Christmas”, which I always thought was “Feed the World”
“Pray for the other ones
At Christmastime it’s hard, but when you’re having fun
There’s a world outside your window
And it’s a world of dread and fear
Where the only water flowing is the bitter sting of tears
And the Christmas bells that ring there are the clanging
chimes of doom
Well tonight thank God it’s them instead of you”
FDot: Nothing says Christmas Joy more than hunger and death. Possibly the most depressing Christmas song lyric ever: “And the Christmas bells that ring there are the clanging chimes of doom.”
But it’s still a favorite (although depressing) Christmas song of mine. Same as another gloomy one: George Michael’s “Last Christmas” (which I may or may not totally crank up when it comes on the radio…).
Dave S.: That’s one of my holiday traditions. I walk through the city and tell every homeless person I meet: “You hear those bells? Those bells are clanging doom for you! Thank God it’s you instead of me. Merry Christmas.”
LOVES IT!!!! I adore Christmas music too. I have XM in the nanny-mobile and I only listen to the Xmas music for the entire month of Dec, which is beginning to drive my little ones a little crazy.
Geez FDot! And I thought Christmas Shoes was bad!
I love Christmas music, but mostly just the re-worked rock’n'roll stuff, from Brenda Lee to Dee Snyder. (I especially love the Steve Vai-produced “Merry Axemass” albums….)
Two offerings… to take the rotten tree taste out of your gin and tonic, as it were. Twisted Sister’s version of “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” has little to actually recommend it, except Dee Snyder’s vocals are about 1 1/2 octaves lower than the “classic” recording from the 1930s that you’ll hear at the mall. (And hearing him sing it, I can just image “what a laugh it would have been if Daddy had seen Mommy kissing Santa Claus last night”.)
TS also did a more extensive rewrite of the 12 Days of Christmas song… receiving “12 silver crosses, 11 black mascaras, 10 pairs of platforms, 9 tattered t-shirts, 8 pentagrams, 7 leather jackets, 6 cans of hairspray, 5 skull earrings, 4 pints of jack, 3 studded belts, 2 pairs of spandex pants, and a tattoo of a V”
Ah, I love christmas. A shame I can’t play my favorite christmas music when my children are around.
FDot, nice tradition. I bet every homeless person thinks: Damn, where is a pitchfork when you really need one.
Dave S.: Don’t they know it’s Christmas time – Totally depressing, but yes, still a favorite of mine as well.
Personally, my FAVORITE (and this is the exact opposite of Craiggers’ post, but what the hell) Christmas song is Santa Baby, sung by Miss Eartha Kitt. Hearing her purring her way through that stirs even this gay man’s loins.
And the chipmunk christmas song, while cheesy and totally commericalized, is another favorite. When I hear I have to stop and sing along and do a little shuffle side to side…which i may or may not have already done whilst in the picture frame aisle at Wal-Mart earlier this year, much to the embarrassment of the friend who may or may not have been with me.
HUGS…
Polt: We were playing YouTube Christmas videos at the Christmas party yesterday at work and I hijacked the computer so I could put on Eartha. Sigh. Love her version. NO CHIPMUNKS!!! Loved them as a kid, now I realize I’m lucky my parents didn’t put me up for adoption.
FDot: Those are some real cheery songs there. Who the hell thinks those are great ideas for the festive season? Someone who needs to see a therapist maybe.
I LOVE “Santa Baby”. Growing up my Mom would play the Mae West “Wild Christmas” album each year, and that was one of the highlights.
But just how is Santa going to fit a Duesenberg Convertible under the tree?
Bernd: Pitchforks are so 17th century.
Tam: As much as I love Christmas songs, most of them do tend to be sad. Even a classic like “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas” is more about how crappy life has previously been than about festivity.
Polt, have you ever heard Mae West sing “Santa Baby”? (Indeed, I think we have a tape of an LP of Mae West Christmas songs somewhere).
DaveS: Who wouldn’t go Up To the Rooftop and then down through the chimney with good/old St. Nick. At least, that’s what I always assumed. And the answer is: Not me, because I’m scared of heights.
There are quite a few Christmas songs I dislike (though not “Three Ships a Sailing” because my parents played that every Christmas morning), but I’m drawing a blank at silly lines in otherwise good songs. I think Christmas songs can be played starting in September (and yes, I did work retail! As a giftwrapper for a couple Decembers back in college), but that’s probably because these days it’s unusual for me to hear any Christmas songs outside of my own house or car. Not at work, and really not so much at stores either. How come everyone else gets to hear them 24/7 but not me???
TwoPi: I have a large tree in front of my house. A convertible would fit under it quite nicely. I’d even put lights on it if I thought it would guarantee me the big prize.
Xi_Heather: I always thought I’d love to be a gift wrapper at the mall. I love to wrap presents as long as they are in regular shaped boxes. With ribbons and fancy wrapping paper I always thought it would be fun. It’s likely not. Never worked retail though, managed to avoid that.
Xi_Heather: We totally have to find that tape. In the meanwhile, there is one track from that album up on youtube (with the immor[t]al line “A man under the mistletoe is worth two under the tree”)
I like Christmas music, but have to be in the mood for it. I’ve actually been known to listen to it in July.
Tail as big as a kite made absolutely no sense to me.
I like Do They Know It’s Christmas, sad and depressing, but a good song. My all time favorite is Carol of the Bells. I also really like Baby It’s Cold Out Side, but only by Tom Jones and Cerys Matthews. It is made entirely out of awesome. God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen by BNL & Sarah McLachlan is pretty cool too.
I’m not a huge fan of overly religious song (I really dislike What Child Is This as it is just Greensleeves with different lyrics), but I do like Silent Night and Gabriel’s Message by Sting.
As for instrumentals, nothing beats The Nutcracker Suite, A Charlie Brown Christmas (Vince Guaraldi Trio) and the Sleeping Beauty Waltz.
I love Bing Crosby’s version of White Christmas, but my colleague just reminded me of this version we got last year. It makes us giggle like mad and makes you snap your fingers.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y-FCtZkmThA
John: I love Nutcracker Suite. I have it on CD somewhere.
This has been an awesome Puntabulous post/comments! It totally gets me in the Christmas mood.
Especially after a totally shitty night.
Thanks, Craig!! (for the post, not the shitty night…)
Tam, actually, it WAS fun being a gift-wrapper! In college we got the entire month of December off, so it was the perfect job and I never had to deal with unpleasant people or anything. It was in a department store (Rileys?), though, and not the mall. The only downside was having to work Christmas Eve until closing.
Craig, didn’t you post a youtube video of “Baby It’s Cold Outside” last year that put a totally didn’t spin on the song?
I should have looked at this early this morning. When you don’t post your comment until afternoon, you tend to get lost in the shuffle.
To me, the worst are the ones with a stealth religious message. I get tired of hearing what a terrible person I am, and how I need Jesus to make me wonderful. Many of these traditional songs have a horribly negative Religious meaning. For those of us who just want to enjoy peace on earth and good will towards men ( and a few parties), this message mongering can be very discouraging.
Heather: Yes, it’s one of my favorite videos ever:
http://puntabulous.com/2007/12/24/baby-its-cold-outside/
Dave S.: Christmas Music overcomes all shitty nights, eh?
“Baby It’s Cold Outside” is a favorite too.
HUGS…
Craig: Who won the debate between 12 Days of Christmas and Little Drummer Boy?
I’ve added a Christmas playlist to my iPod. I usually exclude them because they are not something that I want in the mix of everything else.
Way to reference a classic post Ryan R!
As far as I’m concerned, I win all my debates.
http://puntabulous.com/2006/12/04/puntabulous-counter-puntabulous-3/
@Dave S: troll means to sing heartily. I thought it might be an archaic word, but when I checked the dictionary it’s still current!
@Craig: the star with a tail as big a kite would be a comet, which is one of the things that the star of bethlehem is thought to be. Curiously it comes from the greek Cometa, which means long-haired star (why does Dave S suddenly come to mind?).
Hmm, maybe I should have waited till Teach Me Something Tuesday to have posted this
The only Christmas song I “must” listen to every year is the Temptations version of Silent Night. Just imagine me with my face all “scrunched” up trying to hit the high notes. But nobody can hear me in my car so who cares.
I really like the song River. I originally heard it by Robert Downey Jr on the Ally McBeal Christmas CD (yes, I own that, shut up). It’s originally by Joni Mitchell, but I’d say my favorite version is by Sarah Mclachlan.
The polt video got me in the holiday spirit. Craig, how can you resist?
Chambleee54: Unfortunately I’m at work so I can’t watch it. I’m excited to see it though!
My Christmas playlist is strongly influenced by the late ’90′s.