Can you believe Christmas is already next Thursday? That’s crazy. In case you haven’t quite gotten into the Christmas spirit yet, here are the Wet Spots, everyone’s favorite dirty-minded singing act, to get you in the mood. Oh, and for you information, this is very NSFW:
If you like what you see, be sure to check out their other NSFW songs Do You Take It? and Labia Limbo. I’d love to see them perform live. Right now they’re performing in London, but they’re coming to New York in January. Holler! Click here for more information.
Listen up people: I need guest debaters! I’m all out and I need your help to do this. (I apologize if you’ve e-mailed me before and we never got started, but my memory sucks, so please e-mail me again. Sorry!) I’ve asked people in the past why they don’t want to do a debate and I get the same answers, so I’m here to try and ease your mind and hopefully interest you in a debate.
Question: Do you need a blog to do a debate?
Answer: No. As my cousin Michelle proved in our Muppet debate, you don’t need a blog to do a debate.
Question: What if I’m anonymous? What if I don’t want to use pictures of myself?
Answer: Doesn’t matter. As Avitable proved with our Star Wars vs Star Trek debate, you can do a debate without using pictures of yourself.
Question: But I don’t have enough time! (Okay, that’s not a question, but it’s a concern of some people.)
Answer: Who cares? The debating process can take weeks. We can take our time, e-mailing back and forth with our arguments days apart, taking advantage of free moments we have. Heck, me and Brian started our Star Trek debate in September, and we didn’t finish it until December!
Question: I’ve already done a debate with you, can I do another?
Answer: Yes! By all means of course you can! Casey from Moosh in Indy did both our Cookie vs Brownie and Tall vs Short debates.
Question: What if I can’t think of a good topic to debate?
Answer: Well you’re in luck! I’m a creative genius! So just e-mail me with some of your interests and we’ll work out a topic together! Or we can think up something completely random, like: Which is the cutest baby animal? or Who is the best actor of all time?
So what do you say? Interested? Send me an e-mail now!
Can’t wait for the January 16th premiere of Battlestar Galactica? Well I can’t help you there, but SciFi.com started airing webisodes called The Face of the Enemy. In the first one it’s revealed that Lt. Felix Gaeta is in a relationship with Louis Hoshi, originally from the Battlestar Pegasus. Oh the scandal!
I think we’ve all had our suspicions about Gaeta for a while now. I mean his name is Gaeta after all. Plus there was that singing of his last season, and we all know how much the gays love show business (there’s no business like it!). But it’s nice to finally get some confirmation. January 16th needs to get here as soon as possible. I can’t wait!
No one loves Christmas Carols more than I do. We have a tradition in our house that we can’t listen to Christmas music until the night before Thanksgiving when we’re baking pies. But this year when I heard that Kristin Chenoweth released a Christmas album (which is awesome), I totally cheated and started listening to it well before Thanksgiving. But just because I adore Christmas music doesn’t mean I can’t see its flaws. Some of the songs are just downright ridiculous. I’ve compiled a list of some of the worst Christmas lyrics I could think of, and invite you to add your own:
Song: It’s The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year
Offending Lyric: “And caroling out in the snow, there’ll be scary ghost stories, and tales of the glories, of Christmases long, long ago!”
Why it’s Stupid: Who the heck tells scary ghost stories on Christmas? “And when they got out of the car, they saw that the bumping on the roof was really the antler of a dead reindeer hanging on the tree overhead! Ooooooooo!”
Song: Blue Christmas
Offending Lyric: “And when those blue snowflakes start falling, that’s when those blue memories start calling.”
Why it’s Stupid: Um, snowflakes aren’t blue, they’re white. They don’t even remotely reflect the blue color of the sky the way water does, so who do you think you’re kidding? You’re obviously just making that up to fit your song. Well I’m not falling for it!
Song: I’ll Be Home for Christmas
Offending Lyric: “I’ll be home for Christmas, you can count on me, please have snow, and mistletoe, and presents ‘neath the tree. I’ll be home for Christmas, but only in my dreams.”
Why it’s Stupid: Wait a second. So, you’re not actually going to be home? But you said to have snow, mistletoe, and presents waiting around the tree! And you’re not even going to show up? Who’s gonna help me shovel the snow out of the driveway, that I only requested on your behalf? And now I have to wait on those ridiculous lines to return your presents? Jackass.
Song: The Twelve Days of Christmas
Offending Lyric: All of them.
Why it’s Stupid: It’s just a terrible, terrible song, with no redeeming values whatsoever. Who wants all those lame gifts anyway?
Song: Do You Hear What I Hear?
Offending Lyric: “A star, a star, dancing in the night, with a tail as big as a kite.”
Why it’s Stupid: I suppose I can forgive the idea of a star dancing and having a tail. I guess we are to presume that it’s a shooting star, which would be kinda hard to follow if you were one of the Three Kings, but whatever. I just can’t forgive the awkward use of the word “kite” which is obviously only there to have a word that rhymes with “night”. A tail as big as a kite? Aren’t tails long? And aren’t there better examples of things with tails?
Song: Run Rudolph Run
Offending Lyric: “Out of all the reindeer you know you’re the mastermind. Run, run Rudolph, Randalph’s not too far behind.”
Why it’s Stupid: Reindeer don’t run. They fly. Get it straight. And who the fuck is Randalph?
Song: A Marshmallow World
Offending Lyric: “Those are marshmallow clouds being friendly, in the arms of the evergreen trees, and the sun is red like a pumpkin head, it’s shining so your nose won’t freeze.”
Why it’s Stupid: Another blatant attempt to change facts in order to get their lyrics to rhyme. This one is even a double-whammy! We are not from Krypton. The sun is not red, and neither are pumpkins, you stupid moron.
Are there any you’d like to add to the list?
The Day the Earth Stood Still
A truncated assembly of the TV Group consisting of Meg, Donya, Lance, Michael, Miguel, and myself went on a field trip last weekend to see The Day the Earth Stood Still. We knew as we entered the theater that it was going to be a bad movie (which was a reason why not all members of the TV Group were in attendance) but we didn’t realize the extent of its awfulness. It was horrendous. Bad writing, bad acting (and not just Keanu Reeves!), and bad special effects made this a huge disaster of a movie. I can’t even pick out bad things to say about it because it was just that bad. Meg says she hasn’t seen a movie that bad since A.I. (which is a valid argument) but I think that’s only because she didn’t see Alien vs Predator: Requiem.
Here is my spoilery synopsis: Keanu Reeves is an alien who comes to Earth in a bubble and declares that humanity is going to be wiped out because it is awful. He befriends Jennifer Connelly and Jaden Smith who are a widowed mother and stepson, and they go to MCDONALDS and she uses her T-MOBILE SIDEKICK to do stuff. Oh and there’s John Cleese! “Hi John Cleese! Thank god you’re here! Oh wait! Where are you going? Dang. Bye John Cleese!” And then we get to the end where just about every person in the world wants to bomb the shit out of the aliens, but Jennifer and Jaden share a hug, which makes Keanu forget about all the other assholes on this planet who wanted to blow him (and each other) up two seconds ago and decides that humanity isn’t all that bad after all and spares the Earth. THE END.
Netflix #52 – The Terminator – Suggested by Avitable and Michelle
Yes, it’s true, I haven’t seen the first Terminator movie until now. I’ve seen the second and third, and I’m a big fan of The Sarah Connor Chronicles (even though none of the main characters are ever in scenes together so you just know they all hate each other), but the first movie always seemed to evade my grasp. First things first. What the heck were you people thinking in the 80′s? Oh. My. God. THE HAIR! THE CLOTHES! THE JEANS TUCKED INTO SOCKS! It was just awful! But I digress.
This was an awesome movie! For some reason I had it in my head that like the Alien franchise the first one was going to move more slowly, but that wasn’t the case at all. This had all the action you would expect from something by the name of Terminator. I was also surprised by how much The Sarah Connor Chronicles matches the first Terminator in tone and style, especially the way you shift back and forth from present to future, while maintaining a single storyline. That was probably what surprised me the most, was how much story and action took place in the future. It was certainly a lot more than what we saw in the second and third movies, which is surprising because you’d think the advances in special effects would make the opposite true. Oh, and speaking of special effects, I loved the stop-motion terminator sequence at the end. It was just the perfect amounts of fun and cheese. I’d certainly rank this one equal to the second and third movies, and I’d say that the trilogy as it stands now is pretty consistent in quality through and through. Yes, I think the third one is a great movie, regardless of it being a carbon copy of the second movie. Anyway, I’m glad I finally got to see this, especially now with the Terminator franchise continuing next Summer.
History of the medical field has taught us one thing: Disease and sickness evolve and strengthen at a similar rate as our means to prevent them, and thusly, disease will always have the capacity to surpass our means of treatment and prevention. When the Ebola virus was treated, there was Small Pox to take its place. When the AIDS virus was treated, there was the KBM virus (marked by its instantaneous explosion of the genitalia upon contact) was there to take its place. Medicines could only do so much before the newest disease pillaged the human population. It was therefore determined that the key to proper healthcare was not to come from without, but from within.
That key was Nanobots. In 2137, Apple Corp. developed the iHealth system, introducing nanobots into the bloodstream, which act as super antibodies, cleansing blood, and preventing disease. While nanobots are introduced automatically into every human at birth, you don’t think those nanobots control themselves, do you? Of course not. The nanobots are controlled by a highly sophisticated computer system at Apple Corp., and for your convenience, there are several monthly plans that are available for purchase.
The monthly service to keep the software up to date with all the latest microbe and virus definitions is free until the age of 13, at which time the body has lost all of its natural ability to defend itself from even the mildest pathogens. The service fees thereafter depend upon the level of service you desire. $1000/month will prevent some colds. $50,000/month will prevent cancer as long as you sign up for the 70 year coverage plan. Eligibility for the service is contingent on your criminal history, and credit report. Service can be canceled by the provider at any time for any reason without notice, but the nanobots are yours to keep.
That is, until 2398 when the Robot/Human treaty, signed after the robot revolution, was enacted such that nanobots earned equal protection under the law, and were free to come and go as they please. If the iHealth system does not appeal to you, Microsoft released the ZuNano system, which works just as well as iHealth, at a lower cost, but due to poor marketing and public awareness, just isn’t as cool.
After the 2681 invasion and conquest of the Earth by our Culcari Overlords (May Their stomachs never fill at the all-you-can-eat infidel buffet) the Human Race (hereby referred to as the infidels) was officially removed from the Six Kingdoms of Species and reclassified as a virus. Since viruses have no protection under the law, all human rights were therefore stripped away from the infidels. There have been moves to return these rights to the infidels, however due to the complex nature of this issue (if you give rights to one virus, suddenly all viruses will want rights and before you know it, a family of Hepadnaviridae will be selling cupcakes at your kindergartener’s bake sale) it is an uphill battle.
Due to the viral classification of the infidels, the use of any kind of health treatment (including nanobot technology) was deemed a purposeful spread of a virus, therefore biological warfare and an act of terrorism. Because of this, all nanobot technologies were either closed down, or taken over by the criminal underground, where prices skyrocketed, though monthly rates could be substituted by providing certain “services” to the criminal underlords. (Participation in the “service” program is voluntary, however they are in control of system of nanobots running through your bloodstream, so it’s kinda not.)
Though the average lifespan of an infidel has steadily decreased in recent years, according to our Culcari Overlords (May Their slip ‘n slides run slick with our blood) the Universe has never been healthier.
Thanks to my cousin Michelle for the genuine evil bunny and Dave S for the brilliantly bloody action shot!
Okay, so we added the ornaments, and I’m happy to report, that I think it looks just as good as last night. We used to have ordinary bells and balls, but every year my Mom buys us ornaments that represent something that has happened to us during the year, so every year there are less bells and balls, and more unique ornaments. These days, almost every ornament is unique. It’s a tree full of memories.
We got a new Christmas tree this year. (Yes, we use a fake Christmas tree, get over it.) It’s the kind with the lights already in it, and it made my life a million times easier. I think it came out really nice too. We almost don’t want to ruin it by putting the ornaments on, but can it really be a Christmas tree without ornaments? We don’t think so. So we’ll put on the ornaments tomorrow, but I fear it won’t look as nice. I’ll keep you updated!
