Monthly Archives: January 2009

NOTE: My friend Denise (Hi Denise!) says I don’t talk about celebrities enough on here, so here I am talking about celebrities:

Breaking up is never a pretty thing, but for celebrities it can be even more difficult since it is out in the world for public consumption, which can be made even more complex when kids are involved. And these days, who has more kids than the Jolie-Pitt family? So I’m here today to help get a game plan in place just in case the day comes when Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt decide it’s better for the world if they share their genetic godliness with us mere mortals to improve the world’s gene pool, and go their separate ways. With a plan in place, we can hopefully avoid any unfriendly conflict and the breakup can be resolved quickly and efficiently.

First and foremost, you should become familiar with the children of the Jolie-Pitt family, which are shown below:

Maddox: Angelina and Billy Bob Thornton adopted their first child from an orphanage in Cambodia in 2002. When they divorced, Angelina received sole custody of Maddox, with Thornton to have reasonable parenting time.

Zahara: In 2005, Angelina accompanied by Brad Pitt, adopted Zahara from an orphanage in Ethiopia. In 2006, Brad legally adopted Maddox and Zahara, and their last names became Jolie-Pitt.

Shiloh: Later in 2006, Angelina gave birth to Shiloh, her and Brad’s first biological child.

Pax: Then in 2007, Angelina and Brad adopted Pax from an orphanage in Vietnam.

Knox and Vivienne: Angelina gave birth to twins Knox and Vivienne — her and Brad’s second and third biological children — in 2008.

I’ve tailored a specific custody arrangement for each child based on what we know about their adorable little existences thus far.

Maddox: Though Angelina and Brad are the legal guardians of Maddox, Billy Bob Thornton still had his right to reasonable parenting time. So my plan is to let the custody battle be between Angelina and Billy Bob, and leave Brad out of it for the moment. Don’t you worry your pretty little head, their are still plenty of kids for Brad to get his grubby little hands on! Anyway, the judge should state that since Billy Bob only has a smaller portion of the parental rights than Angelina, that they should cut off Maddox’s legs and give them to Billy Bob, and Angelina will gain custody of the rest. I suspect that Angelina will accept this proposal and be thrilled by the idea of being able to show off her amazing humanitarian skills by caring for a boy with no legs, however Billy Bob will be appalled by this idea, and demand that Angelina have sole custody of Maddox, rather than sacrifice the boy’s two legs. The judge will then award sole custody of Maddox to Billy Bob for having better parental instincts. Winner: Billy Bob!

Zahara: Okay, I realize that she’s only four, but let’s face it, Zahara is hot. She’s been hot since Angelina brought her home at 6 months old. Like, she’s a supermodel. She’s gonna have boys banging down her door when she’s older, so she’s gonna need Papa Pitt around to keep the boys in line. And I worry that after Brad, Angelina might fall back into her wild, sex in limos, vial of blood wearing ways, and that’s not the role model I want for Zahara. Winner: Brad!

Shiloh: I realize I went on and on and on about how hot Zahara is, and of course I mean no disrespect to Shiloh, because she is gorgeous as well. But I’ve done a bit of research and Shiloh is primarily a boys name, so girl is gonna have a whole bunch of identity issues when she gets older! And I know some of you may be thinking that name meanings don’t really have any bearing on people’s lives, but Craig stems from Crag — the Gaelic word for rock — and I was a geology major in college. Enough said. So Shiloh is going to need a strong female presence in her life to counterbalance the mannish feelings she’ll have about her name. Winner: Angelina!

Pax: We all know Brad really isn’t into this whole adoption, humanitarian business. He’s only doing it to impress Angelina who I’m pretty sure is never going to stop adopting children. So if they split up, Angelina will keep buying new babies, and since she already has custody of older Shiloh, it would make Pax a middle child when she gets a new one, and I’d hate to do that to him. Haven’t the Vietnamese suffered enough? Winner: Brad!

Knox: I’m fairly certain that Knox will devote his entire life to being the exact opposite of what his crappy butch name would suggest. Just as Apple Martin will prefer oranges, Knox Jolie-Pitt will be the faggiest fag who ever sashayed down a rainbow. And while some might think it would be best to make sure he has a strong father figure in his life, you must never separate a fag from his mother. Winner: Angelina!

Vivienne: Aw, come on, throw the poor girl a bone. The best news she’s had in four years was a dog movie. Winner: Jennifer Aniston!

So there we have it. I think this plan is entirely fair because both Brad and Angelina get two kids each, and we even show Billy Bob and Jennifer some love, which they both so desperately need after they were scorned by their oh so pretty lovers. Everybody wins! Especially the publishing houses that sign these kids up for memoir deals. Is it too early to teach these kids how to sign on the dotted line?

Check out the definition of Puntabulous in Urban Dictionary (click to enlarge):

How cool is that? Thanks Dave! Head over there and give it a thumbs up!