If one ever finds themselves being abducted by aliens, there are several things one must know in order to survive the experience. The most important thing you can do is prepare yourself beforehand, and the best way to do that is to know the truth about alien abductions, which is why I would like to dispel several myths for you right now:
MYTH: You will be returned once the aliens are finished with you.
FACT: It’s called an alien abduction, not an alien borrowing and putting back in your warm bed when they’re done. Nowhere in the definition of abduction does it presume you will be returned safely, so chances are you will never see Earth again.
MYTH: But!
FACT: No. If you are returned to Earth, it is likely that you have been replaced by a synthetic lookalike, implanted with the memories of your former life. If you think you’ve been replaced by a synthetic lookalike, please do the human race a favor and kill yourself immediately before your hidden programming is activated and you turn into a killing machine. Besides, even if you are yourself, it means that the aliens didn’t want you, so there must be something wrong with you, therefore we don’t want you either.
MYTH: Aliens are little green men who want to anal probe you.
FACT: Aliens are large green men who want to anal probe you.
MYTH: Aliens will put you into a temporary paralysis in order to transport you to their ship.
FACT: The paralysis is self-inflicted because you don’t want to smush the shit you just took into your nice clean pajamas.
MYTH: Aliens abduct humans to run tests on them.
FACT: Yes, because you are just so fascinating, aren’t you? Wrong. Aliens did not come millions of lightyears from across the other side of the universe just to see how you poop. They’ve learned everything they needed about humans from the first ten abductees thousands of years ago. The rest they look up on Wikipedia.
MYTH: Aliens wish to breed with humans.
FACT: Seriously, you people need to get over yourselves. Aliens were not on their home planet getting interplanetary transmissions of Wife Swap thinking to themselves: “Damn, I gotta get me a piece of that!”
Entertaining post, very creative.
Oh Craig. The funny just never stops with you. I agree with Dave S. about stepping inside your head (and about the cows). How do you find the time to work full time and come up with so many amusing posts? Do you come up with a lot of stuff while you’re working or do you lie in bed awake conjuring up the funny – maybe while you’re in the shower? What’s your creative process?
Of course, when I read this post I thought of the Anal Probe sketch by Kids in the Hall:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aXfowQSAnqg
Michelle: Ahhh, Kids in the Hall. No one does anal probe humour like Canadians.
(Even spelled humour with the “u” to Canadianize it.)
Tam: Who doesn’t like to laugh at Canadians?
Michelle: Heeeeyyyyyyy. Should I be offended?
Canadian are renowned for being funny, we’re certainly not that good looking.
Creative process? Hmmmm. Watch LOTS of television
Lately I just write ideas down when I think of them and then let them marinate in my head for a few days then flesh it out into a real post.
Tam: You’re not just for laughing at – you’re for looking at too! There are plenty of good looking Canadians (men and women, but I think most of us here are interested in the men). For example: David James Elliot (JAG), Daniel Cudmore (X-Men), Cameron Mathison (All My Children), Eric Johnson (Smallville), Michael Shanks (Stargate), Nathan Fillion (Buffy!), Ryan Gosling (MMC), Ryan Reynolds (lots of stuff), David Peltier (Pairs Figure Skating), William Shatner (uh, the younger years) and Tahmoh Penikett (BSG).
Sorry I didn’t include images. Seems like it could be a Polt’s Palace post. Canuck Candy?
Craig: Thanks for giving me a reason to watch more television : ).
So, I guess I’m the only one with nothing to do on a Friday night…
You’re not alone. I’ve been catching up with stuff on my DVR.
I’m off to bed. Goodnight!
Sweet dreams – may visions of sugarbuns dance through your head.
Nope, surfing, not much else. I should go to bed but … that’s even more boring. Sleep well Craig.
Tam: LOVE TKITH!!! HiLARious, they are. And don’t forget the hottie Shawn Ashmore, who was in the X-Men movies as well (Iceman). I met him in person once when I was in Toronto. VERY nice guy. And really cute. Course, he IS a twin, so maybe it was his twin, who knows…still very cute.
HUGS…
Guess I’m the only one that had to get up to go to work on a Saturday morning…sucks….I gotta be at work and there’s nothing going on in Puntabuland. Whatever shall I do?
HUGS…
Does this mean that every time I’ve been anally probed, it was by an alien??? I just thought that Hubby and I were just experimented with yet another sexual position….now I find out he could be an alien???? Damn it all to hell!!!!!
Polt – are you mixing me up with Tam? I know those of us with vaginas all look alike…
You are a dork for thinking alien abductions are funny. In February of 2009 alien-human hybrids beat a 90 year old woman so severely that she died 3 days later. Her bruises and broken nose are documented in a hospital report. The alien-human hybrids also took her thought screen helmet, which she was not wearing to protect herself. Now that we have a real medical record of a woman being killedy by alien-human hybrids, the whole tone of alien abductions and alien-human hybrids on the earth is changed.