Jan
9
If one ever finds themselves being abducted by aliens, there are several things one must know in order to survive the experience. The most important thing you can do is prepare yourself beforehand, and the best way to do that is to know the truth about alien abductions, which is why I would like to dispel several myths for you right now:
MYTH: You will be returned once the aliens are finished with you.
FACT: It’s called an alien abduction, not an alien borrowing and putting back in your warm bed when they’re done. Nowhere in the definition of abduction does it presume you will be returned safely, so chances are you will never see Earth again.
MYTH: But!
FACT: No. If you are returned to Earth, it is likely that you have been replaced by a synthetic lookalike, implanted with the memories of your former life. If you think you’ve been replaced by a synthetic lookalike, please do the human race a favor and kill yourself immediately before your hidden programming is activated and you turn into a killing machine. Besides, even if you are yourself, it means that the aliens didn’t want you, so there must be something wrong with you, therefore we don’t want you either.
MYTH: Aliens are little green men who want to anal probe you.
FACT: Aliens are large green men who want to anal probe you.
MYTH: Aliens will put you into a temporary paralysis in order to transport you to their ship.
FACT: The paralysis is self-inflicted because you don’t want to smush the shit you just took into your nice clean pajamas.
MYTH: Aliens abduct humans to run tests on them.
FACT: Yes, because you are just so fascinating, aren’t you? Wrong. Aliens did not come millions of lightyears from across the other side of the universe just to see how you poop. They’ve learned everything they needed about humans from the first ten abductees thousands of years ago. The rest they look up on Wikipedia.
MYTH: Aliens wish to breed with humans.
FACT: Seriously, you people need to get over yourselves. Aliens were not on their home planet getting interplanetary transmissions of Wife Swap thinking to themselves: “Damn, I gotta get me a piece of that!”
January 9th, 2009 at 7:05 am
MYTH: Aliens abduct cows.
FACT: Aliens *are* the cows. They’re merely returning to their home planet for their shore leave before the official invasion begins. Watch the udders. Watch the udders very very closely.
January 9th, 2009 at 7:07 am
Best line *ever*: “Besides, even if you are yourself, it means that the aliens didn’t want you, so there must be something wrong with you, therefore we don’t want you either.”
This whole thing is hilarious! I’d love just for a moment to step inside your head and see what the hell it is that comes up with these random posts that are so damn funny.
January 9th, 2009 at 7:13 am
Well, call me weird, but I’ve always sort of WANTED to be abducted by aliens. I always thought it would be cool. Of course they never choose the ones who want it. Its like the kid in school with his hand up in the air waving madly when the teacher asks a question but the teacher ignores them. I am that kid. In an alien abduction context. Sigh.
January 9th, 2009 at 7:29 am
Tam, in her best 1940’s film noir voice: “Take me. Take me now!”
January 9th, 2009 at 8:00 am
“If you are returned to Earth, it is likely that you have been replaced by a synthetic lookalike, implanted with the memories of your former life.” So they’re fans of Total Recall too.
Whilst we’re at it, how do you know that you lived the memories you have? Perhaps you are the replacement urging suicide on behalf of the overlords. Are you the final cylon?
January 9th, 2009 at 8:49 am
But you didn’t say WHY aliens abduct humans (beyond the desire to anal probe). It’s fine to dispel the myths but you can’t leave a void in it’s place! If they’re not going to travel millions of light years for a booty call, then they’re not going to travel millions of miles just to give unwanted prostate exams. Spill, boy.
January 9th, 2009 at 8:54 am
Craig: Excellent, you are so clever.
Dave S.: Your comment about cows made me think of the Skrulls (help me out here Polt). The Skrulls, shape shifting aliens, attacked Earth, but were defeated by the Fantastic Four. Mr. Fantastic hyp-mo-tized them them into thinking they were cows at the end and set them in a pasture.
Many issues later, the townspeople started going Skrull because they drank the milk from the Skrull cows. It was a great story.
January 9th, 2009 at 9:15 am
Myth: Aliens want to enslave humanity by weakening our minds and will-power.
Fact: TV is their weapon of choice
What happened on Ugly Betty last night? Did Brody and Jessica kiss? Did Brody and Wes kiss? Who wants to be a millionaire?
January 9th, 2009 at 9:23 am
john: Yes, you are correct, that’s what happened to the Skrulls. And those cows came back during the Kree-Skrull war and were involved in all that. Course, this is Marvel back in the 60’s, back before they started spitting out the drivel they do now.
Great post, Craiggers. Don’t know where you get these ideas from, but as long as they keep coming, I don’t care.
HUGS…
January 9th, 2009 at 9:58 am
Palindrome: Alien Edition
Okay, so true story: There was this short little alien named Olaf who came to earth after catching an Earth television transmission of “The Sound of Music,” which he had instantly fallen in love with. So anyway, Olaf met this dude Alan who also had an affinity for the musical. Alan was really excited because he totally loved singing all the songs, but especially “Do Re Mi”. But Olaf had a horrible voice and refused to sing Alan’s favorite song with him. Despondent, Alan declared:
“Alien Olaf, alone I la.”
January 9th, 2009 at 10:01 am
You mean that wasn’t an alien? It was just some short, bald dude with an anal probe fetish? Damn! Now I really feel violated!
January 9th, 2009 at 10:55 am
I’ve always had a secret desire to be assimilated into the Borg collective. But only because I want to know what everyone else is thinking.
January 9th, 2009 at 11:18 am
Dave S.: I think you have way too much time on your hands if you can come up with something like that. At work.
Mark: You could just be a Betazed….they’re all telepathic, and there’s no machine implantations without permission type of thing going on.
HUGS…
January 9th, 2009 at 11:29 am
Polt: Yeah, Betazeds know what people are thinking or feeling, but it’s just a general impression. If I were Borg and another Borg thought I was fat, I could get in their face and say ” Oh no you di’int”
Ok, I know I’m missing the whole Borg concept; maybe I’m just paranoid.
January 9th, 2009 at 11:31 am
I was assimilated into the Bore collective once. It wasn’t all that interesting.
January 9th, 2009 at 11:35 am
Mark (great icon choice, by the way): Betazeds are telepathic, Deanna could only get “impressions” cause she was half human. But full blood Betazeds are fully telepathic. And during their marriage ceremonies, everyone there is naked. Which is yet another reason to want to be on Betazed…although I’d prefer to be the paparazzi photographer hiding in the bushes snapping pictures.
HUGS…
January 9th, 2009 at 11:41 am
Go out and by the book Communion now…it will freak you out.
January 9th, 2009 at 11:43 am
Polt: If I ever become a Betazed, Craig, Dave S., and You will definitely be on my invitation list.
January 9th, 2009 at 11:45 am
Marriage invitations
January 9th, 2009 at 11:47 am
I had a buddy named Robert who had the misfortune of being assimilated. We, of course, called him:
Borg Rob
January 9th, 2009 at 11:50 am
Holy Crap Dave! Only you would have the tight muscular sexy brains to think of that thingy that means the same thing forward and backwards!
January 9th, 2009 at 12:01 pm
I know, I’ve violated my New Years resolution. I’ll be quiet now.
January 9th, 2009 at 12:06 pm
Dave S. : again…that’s freaky. All I know is ABBA…..
HUGS…
January 9th, 2009 at 12:11 pm
Resolute? E tu, loser.
January 9th, 2009 at 12:12 pm
Rats live on no evil star, Dennis sinned and radar are the only ones that jump to mind.
January 9th, 2009 at 12:18 pm
Race Car
January 9th, 2009 at 12:21 pm
Okay, so Mark’s apparently a really good golfer. So good, in fact, that he was approaching the final hole as the leader in a major Tournament and was a shoe-in to win. The tournament was such a big deal that they had famous rapper T.I. to commemorate the win. Knowing Mark would win, the tour organizer leaned over to T.I. and told him:
“Rap as Mark rams a par.”
January 9th, 2009 at 12:21 pm
I’m always asking to be abducted and anally probed, but my Christmas wish never comes true.
January 9th, 2009 at 12:37 pm
Superman, being an alien and all, just can’t help but probe people. In fact, just last night he pointed at Ms. Lang, grabbed his probe, and ordered:
“Lana! Anal!”
January 9th, 2009 at 12:38 pm
Dave: That one with Mark was excellent. Well done.
January 9th, 2009 at 12:40 pm
With all these palindromes, Jonah’s probably just wishing I’d shut the heck up. To that, I say:
“Ha! No, Jonah!”
January 9th, 2009 at 1:09 pm
Dave S.: being the Superman fanatic I am, I’m somewhat perturbed over the Lana Anal thing…but then being the slut I also am, I just shrug and go with it.
But good golly, don’t they give you any work to do on Fridays? Do I need to call Corny and see if she has anything for you?
HUGS…
January 9th, 2009 at 1:34 pm
eventually all this talk of aliens and sci-fi b.s. will turn to Satan and when that day happens I hope that all of you will see the burning aura behind Dave S’s posts and realize that he is the true source of evil…i can’t stop the noise in my head when he posts….
January 9th, 2009 at 1:44 pm
Sounds like someone’s got a wee crush on Dave S!
January 9th, 2009 at 1:44 pm
Funny you should mention that, Jonah, because you’re right, I…
…live evil…
January 9th, 2009 at 1:47 pm
Sorry, Polt.
I’d
perturb a Brut rep
in a heartbeat, but I’d never seek to perturb a Polt.
January 9th, 2009 at 2:11 pm
Bill: you used crush wrong…i want to crush Dave S and his posts…he is an axis of evil…unless he is talking about Buffy….
January 9th, 2009 at 2:21 pm
Zoinks!! I stand corrected then, Jonah…
January 9th, 2009 at 3:13 pm
Jonah: Doth protest too much, methinks.
In other words: You wanna bang Dave S.
January 9th, 2009 at 3:19 pm
Who from the gay contingent here doesn’t want to bang Dave S?
January 9th, 2009 at 3:34 pm
i rather bang amy winehouse than Dave S but at least I can give Dave S credit for having better hair than her….
January 9th, 2009 at 3:50 pm
Ouch.
January 9th, 2009 at 3:54 pm
ok, he wants to get banged by Dave S.
January 9th, 2009 at 3:56 pm
bernd FTW!
January 9th, 2009 at 4:13 pm
I’m super scared of aliens!!! and Zombies too!
January 9th, 2009 at 4:14 pm
If I was to get banged I still rather get banged by Amy Winehouse……
January 9th, 2009 at 4:32 pm
Now THAT’S the Devil talkin’, Jonah…ewww ! Can a get an Amen?
January 9th, 2009 at 4:35 pm
AAAA-men, Bill!
HUGS…
January 9th, 2009 at 4:45 pm
Amen, Bill
Myth: Aliens only communicate in Palindromes
Fact: Even when you read them backwards Sarah Palin’s answers don’t make any sense.
January 9th, 2009 at 4:47 pm
I wish an alien would abduct me from work. I am OVER it.
January 9th, 2009 at 7:27 pm
Entertaining post, very creative.
January 9th, 2009 at 9:05 pm
Oh Craig. The funny just never stops with you. I agree with Dave S. about stepping inside your head (and about the cows). How do you find the time to work full time and come up with so many amusing posts? Do you come up with a lot of stuff while you’re working or do you lie in bed awake conjuring up the funny – maybe while you’re in the shower? What’s your creative process?
Of course, when I read this post I thought of the Anal Probe sketch by Kids in the Hall:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aXfowQSAnqg
January 9th, 2009 at 9:29 pm
Michelle: Ahhh, Kids in the Hall. No one does anal probe humour like Canadians.
(Even spelled humour with the “u” to Canadianize it.)
January 9th, 2009 at 9:33 pm
Tam: Who doesn’t like to laugh at Canadians?
January 9th, 2009 at 9:51 pm
Michelle: Heeeeyyyyyyy. Should I be offended?
Canadian are renowned for being funny, we’re certainly not that good looking.
January 9th, 2009 at 10:00 pm
Creative process? Hmmmm. Watch LOTS of television
Lately I just write ideas down when I think of them and then let them marinate in my head for a few days then flesh it out into a real post.
January 9th, 2009 at 10:42 pm
Tam: You’re not just for laughing at – you’re for looking at too! There are plenty of good looking Canadians (men and women, but I think most of us here are interested in the men). For example: David James Elliot (JAG), Daniel Cudmore (X-Men), Cameron Mathison (All My Children), Eric Johnson (Smallville), Michael Shanks (Stargate), Nathan Fillion (Buffy!), Ryan Gosling (MMC), Ryan Reynolds (lots of stuff), David Peltier (Pairs Figure Skating), William Shatner (uh, the younger years) and Tahmoh Penikett (BSG).
Sorry I didn’t include images. Seems like it could be a Polt’s Palace post. Canuck Candy?
Craig: Thanks for giving me a reason to watch more television : ).
January 9th, 2009 at 11:05 pm
So, I guess I’m the only one with nothing to do on a Friday night…
January 9th, 2009 at 11:19 pm
You’re not alone. I’ve been catching up with stuff on my DVR.
I’m off to bed. Goodnight!
January 9th, 2009 at 11:27 pm
Sweet dreams – may visions of sugarbuns dance through your head.
January 9th, 2009 at 11:34 pm
Nope, surfing, not much else. I should go to bed but … that’s even more boring. Sleep well Craig.
January 10th, 2009 at 8:18 am
Tam: LOVE TKITH!!! HiLARious, they are. And don’t forget the hottie Shawn Ashmore, who was in the X-Men movies as well (Iceman). I met him in person once when I was in Toronto. VERY nice guy. And really cute. Course, he IS a twin, so maybe it was his twin, who knows…still very cute.
HUGS…
January 10th, 2009 at 8:19 am
Guess I’m the only one that had to get up to go to work on a Saturday morning…sucks….I gotta be at work and there’s nothing going on in Puntabuland. Whatever shall I do?
HUGS…
January 10th, 2009 at 1:29 pm
Does this mean that every time I’ve been anally probed, it was by an alien??? I just thought that Hubby and I were just experimented with yet another sexual position….now I find out he could be an alien???? Damn it all to hell!!!!!
January 10th, 2009 at 4:41 pm
Polt – are you mixing me up with Tam? I know those of us with vaginas all look alike…
June 20th, 2009 at 9:59 pm
You are a dork for thinking alien abductions are funny. In February of 2009 alien-human hybrids beat a 90 year old woman so severely that she died 3 days later. Her bruises and broken nose are documented in a hospital report. The alien-human hybrids also took her thought screen helmet, which she was not wearing to protect herself. Now that we have a real medical record of a woman being killedy by alien-human hybrids, the whole tone of alien abductions and alien-human hybrids on the earth is changed.