So you’re in the cantina on Mustafar, throwing back some Bothan brandy, and you realize that you’re in the company of some not so savory people. In fact, you’re unwittingly hanging out in a Sith establishment! And they’ve all got their eye on you! Quel horreur! Oh, but wait, they’re not giving you death eyes, they’re giving you sexy eyes. But now you have another problem! Which one do you bring home? Yes, I know you want to bring them all home, but Sith only like to do things in pairs. “Always two there are.” and all that lame prequel business. So here’s a handy guide to help you choose the Sith lover of your dreams:
WHO: Darth Maul
WHY HE’S GOOD IN BED: If hard and fast is your thing, then he’s your man because this guy is all about rage. Plus he has the largest lightsaber in the galaxy.
WHY HE’S BAD IN BED: That lightsaber could be overcompensating for other shortcomings, if you know what I mean.
VERDICT: This guy certainly isn’t going to kiss you when you’re done. Heck, he might not ever care if you, uh, finish. But if you’re looking for a one night fling, then he just might be the man for you.
WHO: Count Dooku
WHY HE’S GOOD IN BED: He’s old, which means he’s got plenty of experience, and his lightsaber is curved, which might come in handy to hit those hard to reach spots. Okay, enough lightsaber jokes. Maybe.
WHY HE’S BAD IN BED: But he’s a was a Jedi in his earlier days, so his age might be for naught. And no one’s bringing wrinkly back.
VERDICT: Let’s face it, he isn’t the kind of man you swoon over, but he’s a Count, which means he’s loaded. Anyone looking for a sugar daddy?
WHO: Darth Vader
WHY HE’S GOOD IN BED: He was pretty handsome once, and there’s something hot about cocky pilots who know how to use the stick between their legs. (I said no more lightsaber jokes, I said nothing about control sticks!)
WHY HE’S BAD IN BED: He was only a hot Sith for a few hours before he got burnt to a crisp, so unless you happened to catch him in those two hours, the thought of bumping up with that metal suit just doesn’t scream sexy. Plus he has some serious Mommy issues.
VERDICT: He was a whiny bitch for the first 25 years of his life with zero charm or wit, and yet still managed to get in Padmé’s pants. He must be doing something right.
WHO: Asajj Ventress
WHY SHE’S GOOD IN BED: She’s another one with a lot of rage. Seeing as though she’s a woman, I’m sure it has something to do with never finding a man to love, or her uterus being barren, or whatever angry women are always prattling on about, but she can make pain hurt oh-so-good.
WHY SHE’S BAD IN BED: When she’s done beating you to a pulp, and satisfied with the amount of lickage of her boots, she’ll need you to call her pretty cause she’s still a girl, and that kinda spoils the whole bondage mood.
VERDICT: For you straight dudes and lesbos, I’m afraid Asajj might be your only choice, but if you need someone to make you their bitch, she’s your girl.
WHO: Darth Caedus
WHY HE’S GOOD IN BED: Formerly Jacen Solo, so he’s got the looks of a pre-Vader Anakin Skywalker, without the unfortunate cookage.
WHY HE’S BAD IN BED: He’s always been in competition with his twin sister Jaina, who was always way cooler than he was, which has led to some unfortunate inadequacy issues. And no one wants their mate to start talking about their sister mid-coitus.
VERDICT: Jacen always had a special connection with animals, which I think demonstrates his softer, sensitive side, which you might be looking for if you want a long term thing. But he’ll still kill you.
WHO: Emperor Palpatine
WHY HE’S GOOD IN BED: The hooded cloak adds a bit of mystery into the mix, and can be perfect for a little pre-coitus roleplaying. He can be little black riding hood, and you’ll be the big bad wolf. You’ll huff, you’ll puff, and you’ll blow.
WHY HE’S BAD IN BED: Have you seen what’s under that cloak? The millennia have not been kind to him or his ass cheeks.
VERDICT: Who doesn’t get turned on — even just a little — by authority? And who has more authority in the galaxy than this guy? And maybe if you ask nicely, he’ll send a few Sith lighting shocks through your body in just the right places.
So what do you say? Which one of these fine Sith Lords will you be bringing home tonight?
Wow, decisions decisions for a Monday morning. Hmmm. Well, I’ve a thing for tattoos, but not generally full facial, that’s going a bit far, but wrinkles doesn’t do it for me either, nor girls no matter how kick-ass. Can I have two? You said they come in pairs (or did I have to be part of the pair?), Darth Maul then Darth Cadeus for some cuddling after. If I can ONLY have one I’ll take tattoo boy, not really looking for a relationship.
Pre-crispy Darth Vader…absolutely. If he’s not an option, I’d think about Count Dooku, just for the money angle…but then his hands got chopped off, i recall, so I guess gentle caresses by him are out of the picture, eh?
That being the case, I’ll have to settle for Jacen…which is really sad since he’s never been played by an actor, he’s only words on a page. Can I, though, pretend Zac Efron is playing him in some future film? I mean schtupping Zac Efron would seem to be a suitable subsitute for nearly anything, right?
HUGS…
Darth Maul, absolutely, hot, hot, hot. I was very disappointed when they offed their most fascinating character in the first movie. Wouldn’t it have been fascinating if Obi Wan had put a lot of effort (very personal effort, if you get my drift) into turning him into a Goodie only to have him get killed by Annakin in a jealous rage at the end of epi 3. As punishment Annakin gets choped up by Obi Wan and has to sleep with the emperor henceforth.
Count Dooku is more of a friend for stimulating conversation over dinner than sheet acrobatics. The emperor is only interesting to Necrophiliacs and/or Masochists. As evidenced in the movies he is into E-Stim causing intense emotions and if that’s your thing, tally ho.
Don’t have an opinion on the books’ characters and their bedability. If Jacen can keep the animal hair out of his bed he might be an interesting option.
They all have appointments 30 minutes apart. What? I’m a Slut Lord.
Hmmmm Darth Maul, and Darth Caedus… Maybe Asajj Ventress
Be careful Howard! If word gets out, you’ll have a team of rebels (including Porkins!) skimming your surface, through the trench, and shooting things into your exhaust port.
Craig: Brilliant, really. I laughed out loud in my office. Oops.
I was laughing my butt off at “The millennia have not been kind to him or his ass cheeks.” and then laughed more at Howard’s “slut lord”.
Asajj is my choice and I’m happy to lick her boots if she’s willing to lick my light saber.
I’d rather bring home Jar-Jar Binks than any of those freaks. And there is that tongue of his.
Bernd: Very interesting idea! That definitely could have been interesting! Darth Maul was certainly dispatched way too soon.
LOL @ John
David: You can have Jar Jar. If he sucks as much off screen as he does on screen, I bet you guys will have a great time.
I’ll sleep with all of them but the one with the hatchet wound. I’m slutty like that.
Craig, not to mention that if George had gone with my plot, your wife would have had much shorter days at the set and you could have consummated your marriage (played “Guess the celebrity”) more often with her.
Good point Bernd. I also always thought Qui-Gon should have been the apprentice, so when he died, Obi-Wan would have taken more responsibility for his death, and tried to fix it by training Anakin, rather than just getting stuck with him the way he did.
I’m very particular when it comes to Sith lords. Oh, sure, they’re great for a night out on the town or ravaging the occasional Alliance outpost, but sleep with one? Never. Seriously. Have you ever noted their smell? It’s not pretty. That Darth Vader guy? Yeah, he and I hung out at Panera one time – we were supposed to go Chipotle, but he needed internet to check his Myspace – anyway, at one point he leans in to take a taste of my vegetable soup and holy shit did he stink. Vader, dude, two words: leather cleaner.
And that Ventress lady had a thing for me back in the day and asked me out to a movie. It went fine until she started arguing how unrealistic it was that droids would fall in love and the apparently idiotic design of the ship which would completely not be hyperspace worthy and that the humans were the only thing that was even close to being right because they portrayed them as flocking dolts. I told her I thought it was sweet that the droids fell in love and told her to leave WALL-E the hell alone. To which she responded, “Have sex with me. Now.” So I said, “Take back what you said about WALL-E.” She wouldn’t, so we didn’t. Bitch.
And finally, that Jacen kid. ::sigh:: He’s been pursuing me since forever. I keep telling him I’m not interested and to stop all the calls or so help me, I’ll shut down the hyperfrequency completely. Of course, then he starts texting me. Idiot. Just can’t take a hint that I don’t want to sleep with him. Well, okay, I might consider it if he promised to build me a lightsaber. And if he dressed better. And used some deodorant once in a while.
Dave S, yeah I guess male bonding with Darth Vader would be quite difficult, with that stupid mask he probably has no clue on where to chug the beer into. And I don’t think a man who is so obesessed with getting you onto his Dark Side (wink) is fluent in indie-rock and chicks.
Jacen is working on getting his gay-card and needs all the help he can get. Clearly his gaydar is not yet operational, even though he’s got taste and he needs sensitivity training. Maybe you should agree to a date with him and drag him to his first gay bar. There you can abandon him without worries to the ministrations of the more experienced crowd. That should be the last you ever see, hear or text from him.
Craig, good idea, but Qui-gon was bland as a piece of toast, so whether he was master or paduan or Padme, I couldn’t care less, I was not sad to see him go.
Hmmm. I’d try my best to catch Darth Vader before the lava had its way with him. After teaching for a few years in public schools, I can really dig someone who enjoys killing young children.
After the lava though…well, he looked a bit like the Kraken, so I’d move onto Darth Caedus. I can handle his temper tantrums.
Dave S: Please tell us you were high when you wrote this, please. Otherwise you are being held accountable for being more self-indulgent than Carson Daly and his crap show….
What, no General Grievous as a sex toy option?
Jonah, after this past Saturday night, I may well have to agree with you…
Dave S: finally, something we may be interested in hearing about…yet you don’t don’t tell us…
Too much Bothan brandy perhaps?
LOL @ jere
Yeah, what he said. (Totally Lost expression)
I’m so glad guides are back (I love them). Too bad I have no idea what any of this means…
Yeah, what Mark said.
Dave S: You never cease to amaze me!! Srsly.
And sorry Craig, It’s a part of my religion not to watch any Star Wars movies, so I don’t know anything about Sitheys.
Umm…yeah…talking about Saturday probably isn’t a good idea in a public setting… I’ll leave it to your imaginations.
Craig: I do blame it on having too much to drink…
Hey, did everyone hear there was an Evil Bunny sighting in Mexico?
http://hoteltuesday.blogspot.com/2009/01/day-2-el-arte-de-las-compras.html
Henry rockin the plaid shorts and and sportin’ a churro! Loved it. Gotta check your blog out more.
Steve’s Rebooted: Hatchet wound, that’s harsh.
Craig: LOL! If he sucks as much off screen!
Dave S.: Rockin body, artistic talent and humor. You’re the triple threat.
Jere: I’m curious to see what attachments Grievous has.
LOL. Thanks Craig.
And, as is my practice, I will get completely off topic.
Is it wrong for a 100% gay man to be 100% percent in love with a woman?
I think I could happily spend the rest of my life with Norah Jones. (without the sex of course), but isn’t that an oxymoron for a 100% gay man?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z6zyog0DPZY&feature=related
If the 100% gay man realizes that being in love and wanting to bang are 2 completely different things. Unless you don’t want to get your hands down her pants you are still 100% gay.
Thanks Bernd, but now can you tell me why I love “Bust your windows” by Jazmine Sullivan?
Mark, what am I, Puntabulous’ resident psychic? Craig’s Dr Phil? Maybe you want to bang to the music.
Bernd, LOL, I just thought someone could tell me why I love that stupid song so much.
I think it’s 20% lyrics and 80% music.
I’d go for pre-crispy and fried Darth Vader too…..but the whole plastic shell and wiring could really screw things up in the romance department. So in second place, I’ll go with Darth Maul…he’s not much of a looker, but he’d be okay in the “slam, bam, thank you ma’am” and I wouldn’t have to look at him very long just so long as he knows how to use his light saber.
After today, I’m thinking Count Dooku. I need a sugar daddy. Plus, he’s got that silver fox thing going for him.
Aren’t Jacen and Jaina the Wonder Twins?
Gleek.
Michelle M.: the wonder twins….teehee….
Actually, the comic book geek (geek, not gleek) in me forces me to say to was Zan and Jayna…but then you probably knew that.
Hey, Michelle M., could we be a team like that? Polt and Michelle M., the Puntabulous Twins? By touching fists and saying, “Puntabulous Twins powers…ACTIVATE!”, you could take the form of any animal you wanted, and I could have magically appear any cute sexy guy I could think of to have decadent, debauched monkey sex with. Oh, and the sex would be in a hot tub…have to have a smidge of the original concept, dontcha know?
HUGS…
Bernd: I thought you were the resident expert on all things gay.
Mark: Nothing wrong at all. I totally have a man crush on Tom Brokaw. But as Bernd notes, I’m not really into getting into his pants. Unless we are the same size, then I get to double my wardrobe.
Polt: Sounds good : ). Think of all cute sexy guys you could cascade over as shower water.
Form of…. a dancing monkey!
But then sometimes I get too wrapped up in lyrics. Like these.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sTd7ckuY7Gg&feature=related
OK, as my email tells me I’ll shut up already.
Polt: In a hot tub is so not original. Now in the kitchen sink or on a tire swing, THAT would be an original concept. I want to see the Wonder Twins costumes. Spandex anyone?
Tam, I think, we have many experts on all things gay here on this blog. Just ask and you shall receive many, many answers. Ask 10 gay men a question and you will get 20 answers …
and 30 recipes.
Mark, never justify your likes and dislikes to others. There’s no accounting for taste. Especially when you did all the cooking.
Wow. Slim pickings at the Sith Bar. I guess I would have to go with Darth Caedus. I might be able to help him work through his sororal issues. I don’t mind a sensitive side, assuming he is not a total sop all the time. I couldn’t stand anyone as whiny as Darth Vador was in his youth. However, given Dave S.’s issues with him, I might not give him my number right away. Maybe just e-mail for a bit.
In high school I had a crush on a blue eyed blond girl for a time. She was cute. However I can’t see myself with a blue woman. I’ve never had a smurf fetish.
Old men, burn victims, and full body tattoos don’t really do it for me either. I guess I am just too picky.
Michelle M.: form of dancing monkey – BRILLIANT!
bernd: “and 30 recipes”! Bwahahaah….well not really, I mean anything more than corn flakes and milk is pretty much beyond my culinary skills.
HUGS…
Tam: I wasn’t really going for originality, hell, I just wanted to have sex with a cute sexy guy. The hot tub was just throwing a bone (no pun intended) to Zan’s powers.
But you wanna see Zan and Jayna’s powers, check this out:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wonder_Twins
It’s got the cartoon costumes, the comic book costumes, and a painting by Alex Ross with a pretty freaky Gleek.
HUGS…
This is freakin hilarious. Maul I guess, or Jacen if he can be a man about it.
This is so great. Hmm…I didn’t now Jacen went dark. Something about getting it on with the spawn of Han and Leia is hot.